Wednesday, August 04, 2004

Days Like This

Will I always remember her birthday? Will there always be certain days that stop me in my tracks, wherever I am and whatever I am doing, and immediately take me back to another time and place? I wonder if certain places will always be us. Is there no end? Then I wonder if I really want there to be an end. Perhaps I enjoy the pain. I would have to admit that I do enjoy remembering. As sad as that is, I do. I smile when I think of her, of us. So maybe it is by my own choice that I continue struggling, clinging to the past, hanging on to memories. Surely most everyone has someone that they cannot forget, someone that they miss, someone that they would give anything to find their way back to once again. Surely I am not the only one.

Then sometimes I wonder if all of that is even true anymore. I know that it has been true in the past. But now, I wonder. Am I just so used to feeling this way and saying these things, that I say them simply because that is what I have always said? Maybe I am simply afraid to let go of the past. It has always been a problem for me, one of my greatest weaknesses. I try so hard to hold on to precious time, but no matter how tightly I hold on, it continues to slip thru my fingers. Maybe that is what this is all about. Just maybe. After all, she is gone, right? But then days like this come around and I know. She's not gone.

But maybe it is all right to remember. What is wrong with looking back fondly at something from the past? Surely nothing. I suppose the trick is to be able to look back fondly without letting those things in the past hinder the present. I know that I have allowed that to happen before. But just remembering. That is OK, right? She is a part of me. She is sewn into the fabric of my life. To try and take that away and erase those memories would be taking away a part of me, of who I am.

Will I always remember her birthday? Much the same way as I remember to breathe. It is not by some conscious act that I remember. I just do. It just happens. And you know what? I don't really mind it. There is something refreshing and renewing about it to me, remembering people and times from your past. Besides, I smile when I think about her, about us. And I'm kind of thankful for days like this.

"It can happen in the dead of night, or any day of the week. Sometimes you'll come find me when I'm in bed asleep. And I'll have that dream about you, and I sure love what I see. When the thought of you catches up with me..."


  1. I understand how you feel. I think everyone has one or TWO :) people that they hang on to form the past. Just because the memories were so wonderful, and the feelings were strong. It's perfectly normal. Nothing to worry about.