Thursday, June 30, 2005

Plans for the 4th?

So what is everyone doing for the 4th of July? We are trying to come up with some ideas. Something besides just going to Point Mallard to watch the fireworks.

Bad Dream
I had a terrible dream last night. I dreamed Pablo's aquarium was leaking out of one of the bottom corners. I was running late for something and really needed to leave, but the water was draining out fast. He was just like panicking I could tell. I had the little bowl that I bought him in, but for some reason, I didn't want to put him in there. Then I went to the kitchen but all the bowls were colored. I wanted something clear so he could see out. Well, all the water ran out and he ended up on the floor somewhere. I thought he was dead :-( But I picked him up with his little net and put him in some water, and he sprang to life.

When I woke up this morning, the first thing I did was look over at his aquarium. He was swimming around waiting for me to get up :-)

Look Mom, No Spinner!
As we were trying to plan something for the 4th, someone suggested playing Twiste. That brought to mind the lakehouse trip. One night while we were there, we found a Twister box. Well, the mat was in there, but the spinner was missing. So, resourceful as we are, Shane called out random instructions while Kyle, Tammy, Melody, and I played. It was umm... interesting. Especially when Shane called out a color that wasn't on the board.

Four Three Two One day weekend
In other news, I met up with K and J-Mo for dinner last night. I have decided to take off work tomorrow. So you're probably thinking a four-day weekend, right? Well, no. I have to work Saturday. AND Monday. HUSQVARNAAAAAAAHHHH!!!! Anyway, I am pretty well exhausted from all that has been going on lately. I've been working six days ever since the beach trip. *whine whine* Need to get out of this place for awhile. I'm ready for another road trip.

"And you know it might not be that bad. You were the best I ever had. If I hadn't blown the whole thing years ago, I might not be alone..."

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

That City

That city will always be her. I have let go of the past. I have come to realize and accept what will never be. But I still remember. Everytime I drive thru that city, I am reminded all over again. She haunts the city streets. I can feel her. Everywhere.

Even before I reach the city, I think of all the times she must have made this very same trip. And it always gives me the same feeling, an odd mingling of emotions. Same place, different time.

I always wonder the same things while I am here. Where did she live? Did she walk these very streets that I am walking now? I pass a convenience store and wonder if she ever stopped there. I stop to eat at a little corner cafe. I wonder if she ever came here. And I wish that now was then, and that she was here.

The people I pass, the faces I see, I wonder if they ever knew her, one person in a sea of a million. Did the wind ever blow her hair into a mess? I imagine that it did, and I smile. Did she ever go to the movies alone? I think how that should never have happened, and it makes me a little sad.

I wonder if she ever got lonesome while she was here. She surely must have missed home. When she thought of home, did she ever think of me?

Before I know it, the day is drawing to a close and it is time to go. Leaving the city is a little bit like leaving her, losing her, all over again. Because part of her is still here, and always will be. I miss her more when I am here than when I am not. And yet I keep coming back again and again and again...

I have picked up most of the pieces, the ones that I could find anyway. I have learned to live with my mistakes. I try and concentrate on the present, and the future. On what is, and what might be, rather than what will never be. But that city... that city will always be her.

"And there were things I saw that I'm not proud of. Things that I'd do different now from then. But when I really make myself get honest, it's over, and I can't go back again..."

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Cops On Location: Part 47

Whatcha gonna do when they come for you
I was on the phone with Amber last night when I saw blue lights through the blinds in my big front window. This is it, I thought. They've finally come for me. Well, just as I was about ready to go set fire to my hard drive and flush a few things down the toilet, I looked out to see that they were at the house across the street. For some reason, hooligans apparently tend to rent out that house. I assume they have lots of domestic disturbances or something. I'm not really sure. Things are getting rough around da hood. The other night I came in about 11:00 and a man was in the street in front of that house with a flashlight. He was staring at me. So I parked and ran inside as fast as I could. I'm too young to get shot. And too mentally fragile to be molested.

"Yeast" infection
In other news, I got some tires put on my truck yesterday. The DMV was about ready to use my vehicle in an instructional video on hydroplaning. I just wanted to see if I could get them nice and smooth like NASCAR tires. I went running after that. Then last night, I was going to fix some pizza pita pocket thingies, only to discover my pita bread had molded. Man, I could almost taste them, too! But that's about as close to a yeast infection as I plan to get.

This brings me to another topic. I throw away an uncivilized amount of bread. Being single, and not eating that many sandwiches anyway, I ususally get no more than three or four slices into a loaf. And I already buy the Bunny Bread half loaves. But still I end up throwing 80 or 90% of it away. Does anyone else experience this? I don't like refrigerating my bread, because it doesn't taste as fresh like that to me.

Product recommendation
For pesky bathroom stains, or just to take some skin off your hand, I recommend Lime Away. I had bought some a few weeks ago, but just used it for the first time Sunday night on the tub. Wow! It's the best cleaner I've come across. And my tub was like a Museum of Natural Mildew History. Just be careful. I imagine it could possibly be damaging to stainless steel or other materials. And be sure to use gloves. Of course, I didn't dilute it at all. Just straight from the bottle, the hard stuff... two hundred proof.

"She let herself go, buy a brand new car. Drove down to the beach, he always said was too far. Sand sure felt good between her toes..."

Sunday, June 26, 2005

That's why I'm easy

I like to set very low and attainable goals for myself. For instance, here's one. Take next breath. And... there we go. See? It's easy. Some people set very unattainable goals. What about those people who say, "Reach for the stars." Why try something you know you're never going to succeed at? I mean, come on people, the stars are like a hundred miles away or something. You're just begging to fail.

I hope you all had a good weekend. Mine was fairly busy. Went to eat Friday night, where Donna unloaded a new one on me. I can't recall what context this was in, but at some point, she said she thought that I would be easy... as in, whorish, unchaste. I was just wondering what made her think that. Anywho, then Kristina told the story of the week. She said a friend of her called her a few weeks ago to see if she wanted to go walking at Wilson Morgan. Well, when she got there, her friend had already walked a lap and told her that there were two hot guys running the track with their shirts off. So when they ran into the guys, guess who it turned out to be. You guessed it! Kristina was like, "Oh, that's just Bone and Kyle." It was funny as all get out. (And that's pretty funny.) You know, a couple of colorful analogies would've spiffed up that story, but my vocabulary is as bad as... like... well, whatever.

I had to work until 1:00. Then helped S & K film a wedding and reception. Instead of the traditional wedding march or whatever for the recessional, they kicked in some "Sweet Home Alabama." That was kinda cool. Weddings always make me want to get married. Well, most of the time anyway. The reception got done a little before 6:00. Man, I could eat those little cheese cubes and strawberries and cream all night long. After that, shot a little pool. Then Kyle got "the call," so he headed to Gadsden. I stopped by Matt's for a bit, and got home kinda late.

I was gone pretty much all day from 9:00 until about 8:30 tonight. We had a big gathering for lunch, and there was this older gentleman there that I probably haven't seen in five years, maybe more. I wasn't even sure he'd recognize me because I remember he'd had some health problems, too. But he did. And one of the things he asked me was, "How have you managed to keep one of these girls from catching you all these years?" I thought for a second, looked around at the three or four other people sitting at his table and said, "You know, it's really not as hard as you think." Ah, I love those questions. Anyway, what little time I've had this weekend, I've spent looking at my template. Evidently, it is a Blogger problem. I've seen several other people post about it. Hopefully, they will have it fixed soon, as I still haven't figured out a good work-around.

Two random things
-I want to go see Batman Begins.
-I think I would watch Picture Pages if it still came on. I just like magic markers.

So all I need is a girl for one, and Bill Cosby for the other. That shouldn't be too difficult.

"You, tryin' to flex on me? Don't be silly..."

Friday, June 24, 2005

Enlarged font

Well, I seem to be suffering from an enlarged font. It mysteriously grew overnight... like a chia pet. I'm not sure what happened. I don't like this at all.

EDIT (6/27/05 2:00 PM): Blogger has finally addressed the "clear:both;" code issue. They posted this on the Blogger Status page:

Monday, June 27, 2005

The launch of Blogger Images required a bit of new code that is causing some users annoying layout problems. Before launch, the templates passed our tests but because of the open nature of Blogger templates, we weren't sure which kinds of template modifications were going to be affected. We're hammering out the solution now and we'll update our help site with some workarounds today.

Meanwhile, some possible workarounds have been posted on

Thursday, June 23, 2005

We'll keep America looking good

If I were a giraffe, I am sure I would get tired of all the long-neck jokes. So everywhere I walked, I would slobber on people. I would be like "Oops! Sorry about drooling on you down there."

Well, happy Thursday to you all. Not a lot has been going on with me. I tried to catch a short nap yesterday. Unfortunately, the apartment kids had decided to play one of their favorite games, where they all run around and scream at the top of their lungs for a few hours. That's one of my favorites that they play. Had dinner last night at Applebees. Pablo and I are doing pretty well. I feed him twice a day, but he still acts hungry all the time. Everytime I walk in the room, he'll come over to the corner of his tank and just sit there, looking at me. He's so funny. Sometimes I'll catch him "asleep." I'll sit and stare at him for a few seconds, and all of a sudden, he'll come alive and swim around. It's very cute.

The Pooper Scooper: Learn to love it
OK, if you must bring your dog out to our public parks, please do us all a gargantuan favor. Invest in a pooper scooper and learn to use it. This has become a huge problem at Wilson Morgan lately, where people let their dogs "go" all over the place and then just walk away like there's not a big pile of crap on the ground. Everytime I run, there are little land mines everywhere on the track. So now, sometimes when I see someone with a dog, I'll just randomly yell out, "Pooper Scooper!!" Look, it's simple. If your dog defacates, clean it up! It's just common courtesy. And besides, it's the law. Or if not, it certainly should be. You wouldn't just let doggie poo lie around on your floor at home would you? Well, since this is a public park, it belongs to all of us. It's not your pet's personal toilet. So please, a pooper scooper and a garbage bag. And we'll keep America.... looking good. Hoo-hoo!

The Pig Man
"The Bris" episode of Seinfeld was on last night:

George: "Hey, why are all those people milling around my car?"
Kramer: "They're all looking up."
George: "Hey, there's a guy up on the roof."
Kramer: "Whoa. That's the guy that I told where the elevator was."
George: "I hope he doesn't jum-"

Kramer: "Wait, George. You got room in the car for the pig man?"
George: "The pig man can take the bus."
Kramer: "George, if the pig man had a car, he would give you a ride."
George: "How do you know that? What if pig man had a two-seater?"
Kramer: "Be realistic, George."
George: "I'll tell you what, if pig-man shows up, we'll squeeze him in."

"I tell you something, I know what you're thinking. I tell you something, I know what you're thinking..."

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

In the news...

Happy birthday today to Lindsay Wagner. Wow, she was hot as the bionic woman. How do you go from crushing tennis balls with your bare hand to not even being able to get a good night's sleep? I guess with all those mechanical parts it's hard to get some solid shuteye. Perhaps you'd like to help me figure out my sleep number, baby?

Well, my artesian well of sparkling blog material is apparently bone dry. It's as barren as Keanu Reeves Oscar shelf. These blog days of summer are sapping my creative forces like the red sun of Krypton saps Superman's super powers. I guess we all go thru dry spells. So I thought I'd share a few links today...

Fear Factor Coming To Huntsville

That'll be kinda cool. I guess. Although I would prefer Dog Eat Dog, because that hostess chick is H-O-T!

Man Thrown From Water Ride At Amusement Park

(excerpt) "The car the five were riding in went down an incline and into a basin that was supposed to be filled with water but was apparently empty."

Looks like that would be on the checklist, doesn't it? Like #1... "Be sure to fill basin with water."

And then there's this. Obviously a serious story. But an officer named Constable? You've gotta be kidding me! That's like an ice cream man named Cone.

Hope you are all enjoying this second day of summer. Now, back to work. w-w-w-dot-g-o-o-g-l-e-dot-c-o-m... click "images"... b-r-o-o-k-e-space-b-u-r-n-s... click "search images"... what?

"She's watchin' him with those eyes. And she's lovin' him with that body, I just know it. And he's holdin' her in his arms late at night..."

Monday, June 20, 2005

Spring 2005: Out With A Bang

Well, we had storms here tonight. The power was out for nearly half an hour. It went out just as I had dinner in the oven. Nice. Little things like that just make life so much more enjoyable. Hope everyone had a Happy Father's Day. I know I did. I saw every single one of my kids yesterday. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be a dad. Then I hear the screams outside my window from the Romper-Room-on-location that is my apartment complex, and I'm over it. You know it's just another holiday to make people who don't have kids, don't have dads, don't know where their dads are, etc. think about their lives. Why aren't there holidays for single people? What would be wrong with a (Cute) Single Mothers Day? People With No Kids Day? National Bachelorhood Day? Thanks For Not Over-Populating The World Day? There is marital bias in this country. Rampant marital bias.

Another weekend, another date
Had dinner with a female Friday night at Silver Point, a new place in Madison. Then we rented Napoleon Dynamite. That encouraged me to finally hook up my new DVD player... which I had received this past Christmas.

Saturday, I had to work 8-1. I was really tired so I came home and took a nap. Amber called and woke me up and said she was gonna stop by for a bit... and that she'd be there in a minute. I jumped up, put some clothes on, put my contacts in, and brushed my teeth, not necessarily in that order. Saturday night, shot some pool, ate at Logan's, did a little Father's Day shopping. Ran into a guy I used to work with back in the XKI days.

Sunday, my sister cooked lunch for Dad for Father's Day, so I went over there to eat. I was giving Dad a hard time: "You know, I used to tell all the kids at school 'my dad can beat up your dad.' But now... I'm not so sure anymore." Had dinner at the steak house Sunday night, then ran a little bit.

Game Five
Got home in time to watch the last part of Game 5 of the NBA Finals, or should I say the Robert Horry highlight reel. It was a really exciting and enjoyable game, especially since I was pulling for the Spurs. Tim Duncan was choking like an asthmatic chain smoker stuck in traffic behind a burned out 1978 Chevy Nova. He should buy Robert Horry a car or something. No, a house. No, no, a small tropical island. Horry saved his tail big time! Anyway, I just have to inform/remind everyone that Robert Horry played his college basketball at the University of Alabama :-) It was pretty funny the other night when Will Smith had a pregame concert. They were showing highlights on ESPN, and Big Willy was dancing with a fly girl or something. One of the anchors was like, "Man, that Robert Horry is gettin' down!"

UPS Meets The Fugitive
Am I the only one who finds the UPS commercial with the lady who jumps off the building and lands on the truck a little bit odd? I mean, she's seemingly running for her life, either from some dangerous criminals or from the authorities. I can't really tell. Then she leaps blindly off a tall building and lands on top of a UPS truck. Was there nothing more realistic and relevant to the shipping industry and everyday life that they could come up with than this? Is this the best possible way to show that you are always on time? Why not have a guy in the electric chair, scheduled to be fried at 12:01, but his stay of execution arrives at 12:00 on the dot via UPS? That would be funnier to me.

You had to be there...
"Of course, I think it's against the law to take minors across state lines."
"No... really!?"
"Well, it was five years ago."

"So you recommend The Notebook, huh?"
"Yes, but I bawled my eye out."
"Your eye?"
"Was it sadder than City of Angels?"
"Was it sadder than Mister Holland's Opus?"
"What about Rocky 4, when Apollo died, was it sadder than that?"
"What about Old Yeller? No way it was sadder than Old Yeller."

OK, I was up late watching the game, so hopefully I can get in bed a little earlier tonight. Aaaaahhh!! The Seinfeld is coming on where George wants to be called T-Bone!!! This is where my nickname began! It was T-Bone until two or three years ago when Belle (allegedly) shortened it to Bone. I hope you're all watching. This is history.

In honor of the summer solstice and the uncanny Will Smith/Robert Horry resemblance...

"Think of the summers of the past. Adjust the base and let the alpine blast. Pop in my CD and let me run a rhyme, and put your car on cruise and lay back cos this is summertime..."

Friday, June 17, 2005

Steven Wright

Steven Wright is one of my favorite comedians. He was on Craig Ferguson the other night, but I fell asleep before he came on. If you have never heard him, I would encourage you to check him out. I figured I would share some of his jokes for your entertainment on this fine Friday. Of course, his deadpan delivery is what makes a lot of this so hilarious, but nevertheless, this is the best I can do since my webcam was confiscated by the FBI.

- I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
- I used to work at a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
- How young can you die of old age?
- I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
- I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
- I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
- I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were.
- Babies don't need a vacation but I still see them at the beach. I'll go over to them and say, "What are you doing here? You've never worked a day in your life!"
- Curiosity killed the cat, but for awhile I was a suspect.
- I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said, "I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today." I said "Oops."
- If one synchronized swimmer drowns...
- Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
- I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world. Perhaps you've seen it.
- Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff?
- I filled out an application the other day that said, "In Case Of Emergency, Notify". I wrote "Doctor." What's my mother going to do?
- I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity, I hung a right. My mother was there. She said, "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
- My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No." She said, "OK, nevermind then."

Hope you all have a terrific weekend and a Happy Father's Day!

"I got ketchup on my blue jeans. I just burned my hand. Lord it's hard to be a bachelor man..."

Thursday, June 16, 2005

The great tennis ball shortage of 2005

Figured I'd take a break from chatting online with the ladies and drawing pictures of ligers to satisfy your need for bloggage...

Oh, don't forget to vote in my latest fun poll over there to the right ;-)

Hot, hot, hot!
Well, as David Letterman has been saying the past few days, it's been hot as nuts around here. I'm not even real sure what that means. I went running Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday, but not yesterday. A weird thing has happened with my knee. After I stopped wearing the little support band, beginning with my race, my knee will start twinging (Is that a word? Present participle of twinge?) about three-quarters of a mile in. I'll ignore it for a bit, then it will stop and my knee will have this numb feeling the rest of the run. I'll notice it still being numb in the shower after my run, then the feeling will come back. Wonder why that is?

K and I played tennis at Wilson Morgan Tuesday. By played tennis, I mean, swung rackets and ran around the court and outside the fence retrieving wn balls. I tell you what, 6 PM on a weeknight is prime time to meet some hotties up there. They were all over the place, like ants on a popsicle. Fortunately, I managed to evade them all, cos I'm quick like that. Can't let anything interrupt my tennis concentration. I could probably use a new racket. I thought my current one would be OK for another year, but I had no idea we were gonna get this good this quickly.

The great tennis ball search
Speaking of tennis balls, I stopped by the mall one day last week to pick up some new balls. Well, the girl at Hibbett's informed me, "We no longer carry tennis stuff." So I was like, "Oh yeah, well why don't you go eat a decroded piece of crap?" OK, so I didn't really say that, but it would've been funny, don't you think. It's frickin' June! You're a frickin' sporting goods store! The only reason I went in there in the first place was because it takes so long to go to Wal-Mart and walk two acres back to the sporting goods section. Their balls are like twice as high as Wal-Mart anyway. Anyhow, I went down to Sears, thinking they would have some. But no. Their sporting goods section has been reduced to nothing more than a few weights, four or five treadmills, and a couple of basketballs. I was about to give up and just use the old balls when I walked by KayBee Toys and saw some rubber balls in a bin near the front of the store. So I walked in and asked the girl working there if they had tennis balls. She said she thought so and yelled to another girl who worked there, a hottie who was up on a ladder. The hottie directed me to the balls. So, I got a can of tennis balls and the hottie's phone number. Or... just got the tennis balls. All's well that ends well.

The diaper story
I listen to Mike & Mike on ESPN Radio in the mornings, because, well, I'm a guy. Well, they told this story the other morning that had me rolling. Greenie (Mike Greenberg) had called Golic over the weekend to tell him that his baby had soiled it's diaper while in the swimming pool. Greenie had cleared out the pool for half an hour and called Golic to ask him if he thought it was safe to get back in yet. Oh man, I was rolling. So Golic was letting him have it, telling him it was all contained in the diaper and the chemicals cleansed the pool anyway. But Greenie was joking (I think) that he was never going to swim in the pool again and was going to sell the house, saying he had a little problem with bathing in raw sewage.

"She was a day tripper, a one way ticket, yeah. It took me so long to find out, and I found out..."

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Your favorite song ever?

I popped in my Beatles CD on the way home tonight. Hadn't listened to it in awhile. I think this is my favorite song ever. Sure, it's hard to pick one. But if I had to, this would be it. Seemingly so simple, yet so perfect. Of course, the fact that my life is one nearly continuous string of regrets probably has something to do with it. I'm kidding, of course. Or I'm very serious. Whichever. What would your favorite song be?

All my troubles seemed so far away
Now it looks as though they're here to stay
Oh, I believe in yesterday

I'm not half the man I used to be
There's a shadow hanging over me
Oh, yesterday came suddenly

Why she had to go
I don't know, she wouldn't say
I said something wrong
Now I long for yesterday

Love was such an easy game to play
Now I need a place to hide away
Oh, I believe in yesterday

Why she had to go
I don't know, she wouldn't say
I said something wrong
Now I long for yesterday

Love was such an easy game to play
Now I need a place to hide away
Oh, I believe in yesterday...

Monday, June 13, 2005

When blogger's ramble...

Michael Jackson's innocent. Mike Tyson's retiring. Their lives and minds may be in extreme disarray now. But I tell you what, you can't beat the Thriller CD and Mike Tyson's Super Punch Out Nintendo game. I'll take those anyday. Beat It, Billie Jean, Human Nature, PYT, The Girl Is Mine, Thriller. I mean, come on, get outta here. Not to mention Glass Joe, Don Flamenco, Von Kaiser, Great Tiger, Piston Honda, Bald Bull, King Hippo, and Soda Popinsky. Boy, am I glad I haven't listened to that album or played that game in a long, long time O:)

Happy birthday today to Steve-O, my celebrity look-alike. This was brought to light about a year ago. (See my I Look Like Steve-O entry.) He is slightly more famous than me, but I do look better in a thong.

And this week, June 13-19, is Meet A Mate Week. It was created to inspire singles looking for a mate to take advantage of summer by pursuing warm weather meeting opportunities, such as sports, volunteer work, and travel. Is it any coincidence that I posted my "If I Meet A Girl" entry on the eve of this very week? I think not.

Recapping the weekend...
Friday turned out to be all right. Something unexpected happened Friday night. It was nice. Pretty great, actually. Of course, now I can't stop thinking about it.

Saturday, we headed up to Columbia State in Tennessee to film the All That Dance recital. It rained most all day, just like last year. I was filming the first show, I think, when my camera was jarred by this lady in an electric wheelchair who rammed into the tripod. ("Must be one of those rich, spoiled handicapped people who didn't wanna do any work.") Nice earthquake effect on the video, I'm sure. We (Shane, Kyle, Lillian, and I) ate at Applebees, where Kyle had two short, curly hairs in his Fiesta Lime Chicken. Those are always fun. We stopped off at Baskin Robbins on the way back for the second show and I made a little mess. I dripped some cotton candy ice cream on the back seat. ("Anyone else wanna see this before I clean it up?") I don't see how that happened. I had the periphery of that cone under continuous tight surveillance. Must have been one of those suicide drippers, just taking the plunge with no regard for itself or anyone's plush cloth interior.

Had lunch with my sister Sunday. Did laundry. Watched a little of the race and some of the NBA Finals. Ran a couple of miles. Met Kyle and J-Mo at the steak house for dinner.

You're killing Independent George!
Haven't done this in awhile. I watched The Pool Guy episode of Seinfeld tonight. It's not only hilarious, but also very practical. You must keep your worlds separate, or they will blow up.

George: "If she is allowed to infiltrate this world, then George Costanza as you know him ceases to exist! You see? Right now, I have Relationship George, but there is also Independent George. That's the George you know, the George you grew up with... movie George, coffee shop George, liar George, bawdy George."
Jerry: "I love that George."
George: "Me too! And he's dying, Jerry! If Relationship George walks through this door, he will kill Independent George! A George divided against itself cannot stand!"

So true...

"I know that you can love me when there's no one left to blame. So nevermind the darkness, we still can find a way. Cos nothin' lasts forever, even cold November rain..."

Sunday, June 12, 2005

If I meet a girl...

If I meet a girl tomorrow...

And we date for a year, I'll be 33.

Say we have a minimum six-month engagement, I'll be nearing 34.

If we have a child within 18 months of marriage, I'll be 35.

(Granted, these time frames may be a little rushed, but it's all for example's sake.)

That means when my firstborn graduates high school, I'll be 53. Ugh.

And all this is contingent on me meeting a girl tomorrow.

Not just a girl... THE girl.

I better get to work.

"You walk before me. Lord knows I can't follow. You walk behind me, and I don't think I can lead. You walk around me. Please don't walk around me, cos you know how dizzy I get..."

Thursday, June 09, 2005

Speedy Delivery

Try This
Stretch your arms out to each side, far as they will go. Have someone measure you, fully-clothed or naked, fingertip to fingertip. That distance is supposed to be equal to your height. It worked for me. Seventy-three inches. Pretty neat. Let me know if it works for you.

3-2-1 Contacts
Placed my order for contacts Tuesday around 4:15 PM. They were waiting for me when I got home today. Thanks to and DHL next day delivery. They went all Mister McFeely on me.

Speaking of discounts, you never hear of discounts or coupons for doctors or dentists. I guess that's probably a good thing. Huge liquidation sale all month long at Midway Medical Center! There's never been a better time to undergo an organ transplant. You don't even need a donor. We're cleaning out the warehouse. All vital organs must go! Or how about a going out of business sale? After thirty-five years, Doctor Van Nostrand is closing his doors forever. Between now and July 31st, all procedures are half off! Free tongue depressor with every urinalysis. OK. I'm not sure this routine is really going anywhere.

The rest of the day
I had been craving one of those big cookie cakes with icing like a pregnant woman craves pickles and Cool Whip. (Come to think of it, some Cool Whip would be really good right now. Mmmmm.) Anyhow, so I went and bought one yesterday, along with a six-pack... of Grapico, and shared with everyone at work. I went to get a haircut after work. Ran thru the carwash. Met Kyle up at Wilson Morgan for some tennis. Came home and piddled with my truck for a bit. It has been losing water lately. I first noticed the temperature getting pretty high when I was sitting still. So anyway, I added some coolant. Must have a slow leak. I cooked some grilled chicken and rice and beans for supper. Put just a little tabasco sause and some cajun seasoning on the chicken. It was tasty.

Yesterday, when I was young
And we close with today's edition of "I'm not sure I would've told that if I were you, Bone." In eleventh grade, there was a span of about three months when I was without a job. Well, I was dating this chick who was a senior from another school. Anyhow, my family was not very well off at that time. I don't know if I just didn't like asking my parents for money or what, but anyway. Mom would give me two dollars every day for lunch and break. Well, I would skip lunch everyday, and save up all my money for two weeks (10 days=$20) so that I could afford to take this girl out. But since it would take me two weeks each time, I would only ask her out every other weekend. And I never told her what I was doing. I was young, naive, OK? So anyway, after three or four dates, I guess she became curious, because we always had a good time and stuff. So she (her name was Paige) asked me why I only asked her out every other weekend. And, I told her. I guess she was relieved. I think that she thought I just didn't like her enough to ask her out every weekend. Anyway, I thought that was a nice little story. Of course it seems like I told it to a girl I was dating one time and she was like, "You would never do that for me. I wish you liked me that much." I can't win.

"Well I never, I never seen you look so good. You never act the way you should. But I like it. And I know you like it, too. The way that I want you..."

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

The contact lens black market

We can drive it home... with one contaaaaaact... Sing along!

As I was getting ready for work yesterday, I suddenly realized something wasn't right. Augh, I was missing a contact. This happens from time to time. I usually notice it fairly quickly and find it around the sink in the bathroom somewhere. Well, this time, I couldn't find it anywhere. I looked for twenty or thirty minutes. I was on my knees like a bloodhound on the trail of a wounded fugitive. Never found it. Have you ever gone an entire day wearing only one contact? It's really no fun at all. In fact, it's verrry irritating. So all day I'm blinking and rubbing my eye and closing my bad eye so that I can see. (In case you're wondering, I do have a pair of glasses, but they are several years old. They're too big for my face. So I look like... well, imagine Harry Potter at 32 years old. Yeah. He's no longer cute, just... odd.)

So anyway, I had kept an old pair of contacts around, but the solution had evaporated cos I'd kinda forgotten about them. So they were all hard and shriveled up, sort of like Keith Richards' toenail. Anyway, I decided to try some restorative measures, so I put them in solution all day. One of them finally straightened out somewhat, so I was able to wear it last night out to eat.

Now on to my main point. Uhh, what was that again. Oh.. yes. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to obtain new contact lenses without a prescription that is less than a year old? For crying out loud, it's frickin' near impossible. (Cue Mission Impossible theme.) I think I'd have an easier time locating some heroin. Matter of fact, I know I would. (I'm not sure what that means.)

There is apparently some stupid law in the U.S. that you have to present a valid prescription for contacts. I understand that, I guess. The problem is, the optometrists write the prescriptions to expire after one year. So, it's either go back to them for a $120 eye exam or find some black market contacts. I'll let you guess which option I chose. I finally ended up finding a site I think that was based in Canada. (Socialism has its benefits!) Still don't know if that's going to work though. Fortunately, they have my credit card number, and all contact info, so the FBI should have no trouble tracking me down. That'd be just my luck, to get thrown in prison for something like that. Then I wouldn't even have a good story to tell the other prisoners:
"What are you in for?"
"Larceny. Grand theft auto. You?"
"Uh... conspiring to obtain contact lenses without a prescription."

Maybe I'd at least get some standard issue glasses then. Shouldn't we be more concerned with things like terrorism, the economy, violent crime, Social Security, etc.? No, forget about all that. We'll worry about that later. But buying contacts with a prescription that's 366 days old. That's gotta stop! Yes, parents. Warn your kids, not about the dealer on the corner or the man in the park with the present in his pants. But warn them about the illegal contact lens peddler. Maybe I'll start my own black market website. Yeah, and I'll name it something clever like, you know, to throw off the authorities.

You know, if it wasn't for these seemingly minor daily issues, my life would be pretty boring, nothing but girls, girls girls. Or nothing but... well, nothing.

"Don't pick a fight with a little guy that doesn't talk that much. Don't pick up a cherrybomb thinkin' it's a dud. And don't sneak out of a two story house usin' bed sheets as a rope. Don't ask me how I know..."

Monday, June 06, 2005

Where you from? Who you came with?

OK, so I thought it would be neat to see where everybody is from, whether you're a regular reader or just surfing by. So if you would, please comment with your hometown. You may also include any interesting or little known fact about you or your hometown. And you can post anonymously if you'd like, just so that I won't stalk you :-)

By the way, here's a slightly embellished look at my town, which I posted a few months ago.

"In my home town, for anyone who sticks around, you're either lost or you're found. There's not much in between..."


Good morning. It's time to... UPDATE MY BLOG!!! I know you all hope this will be my... BEST ENTRY EVER!!! Well, to be honest, I sure... HOPE SO, TOO!!!

Aaargh!! I helped out LMV at the River City Dance thing Saturday night. They had the same narrator guy as last year. I wish I knew how to explain it, but I guess you just... HAD TO BE THERE!!! He would read from a script between dances, and each time he would end his reading by pausing and then nearly yelling, emphasizing the... LAST THREE WORDS!!! We were... ALL CRACKING UP!!!

Oddly, or as has become status quo for the past three months, I didn't have a date this weekend. However, I did have one girl offer to go out with me while I was at work Saturday. And I had another girl tell me that I would make a great boyfriend. That made me feel so much better while I was at home by myself last night doing laundry and eating a Lean Cuisine meal. Or no better at all.

By the way, while I'm thinking about it, sometime in the next couple of months, I will probably need a couple of friends to... HELP ME MOVE!!! Sorry, reverted back to mundane-moderator-guy there for a second. On second thought, I think I may just start talking like that.. ALL THE TIME!! Yes, I think this is.. PRETTY FUN!!

Recapping the weekend, Pablo and I just decided to stay home Friday night, since I was going to have a long day Saturday. (Pablo is my fish, not my Hispanic roomate.) I mowed the grass, then cooked some Hamburger Helper for dinner. Well, I had Hamburger Helper. Pablo had his usual Bio-Gold. I figured it was best not to let him try any of the cheeseburger macaroni. Had to work Saturday. We were on location. It was nice. There were hotties. Yada yada yada. Then I had to go to my sister's to feed the dogs, because they were at Pickwick Lake all weekend on their boat (which I have not been invited on yet). Then I headed over to the Princess for the recital. Tag, Kyle, and Alyssa were already there. Afterward, we ate at Ruby Tuesdays, where Kyle and Tag shared their surprisingly vast knowledge of the Rainbow Game.

Yesterday, I mostly did laundry. I watched some of the race and some of the women's college softball world series. I think Bama wound up fifth. Women's fast-pitch softball is actually pretty exciting. It's about eight billion times more exciting than women's basketball. Oh, I also actually... CLEANED THE TUB!!! Went to Wal-Mart last night after church. Got a shopping cart with a bad wheel, for like the seventy-fourth consecutive time. Total debit purchase... $98.25. I ran a couple of miles. It is really getting steamy here. I wish I could wake up early enough to run in the mornings before work. That would be much cooler, literally. But we all know that is about as likely to happen as Ron Artest becoming commissioner of the NBA.

Be watching for my next blog-umentary... A gallon of gas versus a Mach 3 razor blade: Which is more expensive? The answer could surprise and astound.

"Is there something going on tonight that we don't know about?"
"I think there's been something going on our entire lives that we don't know about."

"Guess what I'm drinking?"
"The very last Grapico."

"All the girls showed up to watch the guys... RACE THEIR CARS!!!"

"I wonder about her. I wonder where she went from here. Still wonder about her, but nothin's comin' too clear. Since she left me all alone, my days go by like years..."

Sunday, June 05, 2005

Eight Years

June 5th, 1997.

"It would add much to human happiness, if an art could be taught of forgetting all of which the remembrance is at once useless and afflictive, that the mind might perform its functions without incumbrance, and the past might no longer encroach upon the present." - Samuel Johnson

Friday, June 03, 2005

Free doughnuts for everyone!

In celebration of National Doughnut Day, come into any participating Krispy Kreme store and get a free doughnut of your choice.

I LOVE doughnuts!! My favorite are the glazed creme-filled. Mmmmm. What's yours?

"We took a walk that night, but it wasn't the same. We had a fight on the promenade out in the rain. She said she loved me, but she had somewhere to go..."

Thursday, June 02, 2005

Take the driving test

Recently 10% of Americans surveyed failed to pass a simple GMAC Driving Test, getting less than 70% of the questions correct. Think you can do better?

Take the test for yourself.

I got 17 out of 20. But I was surprised I got that many.

"I don't want nobody. Nobody don't want me. I'm so sad, so lonely, but I'm always landing on my feet..."

Gettin' Out Da Hood

I wonder if nursing homes have pool tables. That'd be something to look forward to.

Well, there has been an increasingly worse problem with loud, annoying kids disturbing the peace in the projects over the past few weeks. Let me recap Tuesday, just as an example:

There is a drive that circles all the way around the apartments, sort of in a U-shape. As I am approaching where I normally park, one kid comes from completely out of my view, shoots out of the breezeway on a bicycle right in front of me, cuts a right turn and goes around the back of the apartments. If I had not been paying attention or had been going a little faster, that would not have been good.

Anyway, as I approach my front door, I find several kids I've never seen before outside, one of whom is sitting in one of my white plastic chairs that I have out on the patio. OK. Odd, I think. I wonder who they belong to, but I go on inside.

A little while later, I hear something hit one of my apartment windows. I walk outside to see three kids in a little triangle formation throwing a basketball. Two of them are standing about four feet from my truck. A fourth kid is sitting on my truck. And another is throwing rocks at the building. Let me interject at this point that there are probably a total of about 8 or 9 kids outside right now, and at least five of them don't live in the apartments. So I can't really say anything to their parents, because I don't know where they live. Anyhow, I tell them as nicely as I can they don't need to be throwing things around the cars and to go play in the grass. So they do, for about fifteen minutes.

All this time, mind you, there is incessant screaming, yelling, and occasional banging on the walls. And it doesn't help that these apartments were probably constructed in the Mesozoic Era and the walls are about as soundproof as a pup tent.

Anyway, a little while later, I hear another crash. I peek out my bathroom window to see a little boy picking his bicycle up off the ground right next to my truck. He has obviously run into my truck. Urgh. Let me mention here than over the past couple of years, I have had four or five dents mysteriously appear in my truck. Or not so mysteriously. Either way.

OK, so about 7:30 PM I go running. When I come back, there is what looks to be a 13 or 14 year old black boy sitting in one of my chairs with a similar-aged Hispanic-looking chick sitting in his lap. What the crap! OK, first of all, there are only ten apartments in the complex and there are no black or hispanic people living there, so I don't know where these kids came from. Second of all, they've probably been having sex on my front porch. It was at this point I decided to call the landlord. And of course, I got an answering machine.

So I shower and get cleaned up and later on I notice one of my neighbors is sitting outside on her porch. So I decide to go over and talk to her. She informs me that one of the little boys was throwing rocks at my truck earlier and she went over there and got on to him.

The yelling, screaming, and general loudness doesn't stop until after 10 PM. And that was all on Tuesday. So yesterday, I started pricing apartments here in Hartselle. Gah! I'm fixin' to bust up with some Napoleon Dynamite numchuck skillz out heahh!

Anyone for a game of bizarro Russian roulette, with only one empty chamber? I'll start!

"All my old flames have new names. There's a lot of girls in town who've tied the knot and settled down..."

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Another blog thing

You know you're running out of blog material when...

You include more than one item from on your blog in the same week.

You Were Actually Born Under:
You are solid, methodical, and you do things right the first time.
Even when no one else does, you always believe in yourself.
You tend to see the world in black and white, right or wrong.
A good memory and eye for details means you tend to thrive at near impossible

You are most compatible with a Snake or Rooster.
You Should Have Been Born Under:

You are totally loyal, faithful, and honest.
However, you don't trust others to be as ethical as you are!
Straight forward and direct, you really aren't one for small talk.
You are a great listener - and an agreeable companion when you're in a good

You are most compatible with a Tiger or Horse.

What Year Were You Born Under?

"I alone am the one you don't know you need. You don't know you need me. Make me blind when your eyes close. Tie me to the bedpost..."