The horseshoe effect

From the mind that brought you infotaining posts about proper restroom etiquette, theater buffer zone rules, and proper handwashing technique, comes a much needed discourse on a subject all too often swept under the "rug" in America today...

Lately, I've become more aware of a disturbing trend amongst my fellow Y-chromosome carriers. A growing problem, if you will. And that is what I'm here to talk about today. To put forth my thoughts on the subject, ask for your opinions and input, and perhaps even get some hair-raising discussion going.

I understand losing one's hair. It happens. I'll be the first to admit that my hair is thinner today than it was a year ago. Some things you can't control. Where will it stop? Who knows. One thing I do know is that I will never get to this point.

Ah yes, the classic horseshoe pattern. Why do some men choose to cling to a few seedlings around the perimeter of the cranium? I got news for you. It's not coming back. And if by some miracle of modern science they do find a way to bring it back, I'm sure they'll be able to regrow the sides and the back as well as the top.

And what's the deal with the island? I'm sure you've all seen this follicular tragedy. The hair has drastically receded on all sides, but one small tuft remains front and center, completely surrounded by skin. What is up with that? Makes me want to plant a palm tree up there. Islands belong in the ocean, not on your head.

In any battle, and the fight against hair loss is no different, one must have a clear and definite exit strategy. So I say, once your troops retreat beyond a certain point, withdraw them all. Shave it. Completely. A horseshoe is an equine accessory, not a hairstyle.

In an unscientific survey I conducted recently, three out of three females preferred completely shaven, aka the bowling ball look, to the horseshoe pattern. That's like a hundred percent, guys.

Ladies, what do you think? Because as I've stated in a previous entry, why do guys do anything that we do? For women. No man would voluntarily choose to wear something like this on his own. You want to see how men would behave and dress if there were no women in the world, go to a prison sometime.

So why the horseshoe? Who ever thought this was a good look? My theory is, the horseshoe was popular back in the 1920's, a time when all men wore hats. As George Costanza said, it was a bald paradise. For a man wearing a hat, with hair on the back and sides, it would be virtually impossible to tell if he was balding or not.

That would be one of the only reasons I can think of for keeping these sad, unattractive remains atop one's noggin. The other being if, for some reason that is far beyond my comprehension, one was trying to grow enough hair to facilitate the dreaded combover.

Is there anything worse than the combover? Do they think we won't know? The only person who could possibly get away with this is The Donald himself. But when you have as much money as he does, you can wear a rooster on your head if you like.

Otherwise, the combover is inexcusable. And the horseshoe isn't much better. Think about it. Among famous people, who is the horseshoe really a good look for? Gallagher maybe? Or that guy from NYPD Blue?

In conclusion, if you've lost the majority of your hair, and you don't have a billion dollars, or have never partnered with Ricky Schroder on a stake out, then shave the rest. That is, unless the majority of the women reading this disagree.

In that case, do whatever they say.

"I was thinking I was angry but I let it go. I was waiting on a miracle but nothing showed..."