The contact lens black market

We can drive it home... with one contaaaaaact... Sing along!

As I was getting ready for work yesterday, I suddenly realized something wasn't right. Augh, I was missing a contact. This happens from time to time. I usually notice it fairly quickly and find it around the sink in the bathroom somewhere. Well, this time, I couldn't find it anywhere. I looked for twenty or thirty minutes. I was on my knees like a bloodhound on the trail of a wounded fugitive. Never found it. Have you ever gone an entire day wearing only one contact? It's really no fun at all. In fact, it's verrry irritating. So all day I'm blinking and rubbing my eye and closing my bad eye so that I can see. (In case you're wondering, I do have a pair of glasses, but they are several years old. They're too big for my face. So I look like... well, imagine Harry Potter at 32 years old. Yeah. He's no longer cute, just... odd.)

So anyway, I had kept an old pair of contacts around, but the solution had evaporated cos I'd kinda forgotten about them. So they were all hard and shriveled up, sort of like Keith Richards' toenail. Anyway, I decided to try some restorative measures, so I put them in solution all day. One of them finally straightened out somewhat, so I was able to wear it last night out to eat.

Now on to my main point. Uhh, what was that again. Oh.. yes. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to obtain new contact lenses without a prescription that is less than a year old? For crying out loud, it's frickin' near impossible. (Cue Mission Impossible theme.) I think I'd have an easier time locating some heroin. Matter of fact, I know I would. (I'm not sure what that means.)

There is apparently some stupid law in the U.S. that you have to present a valid prescription for contacts. I understand that, I guess. The problem is, the optometrists write the prescriptions to expire after one year. So, it's either go back to them for a $120 eye exam or find some black market contacts. I'll let you guess which option I chose. I finally ended up finding a site I think that was based in Canada. (Socialism has its benefits!) Still don't know if that's going to work though. Fortunately, they have my credit card number, and all contact info, so the FBI should have no trouble tracking me down. That'd be just my luck, to get thrown in prison for something like that. Then I wouldn't even have a good story to tell the other prisoners:
"What are you in for?"
"Larceny. Grand theft auto. You?"
"Uh... conspiring to obtain contact lenses without a prescription."

Maybe I'd at least get some standard issue glasses then. Shouldn't we be more concerned with things like terrorism, the economy, violent crime, Social Security, etc.? No, forget about all that. We'll worry about that later. But buying contacts with a prescription that's 366 days old. That's gotta stop! Yes, parents. Warn your kids, not about the dealer on the corner or the man in the park with the present in his pants. But warn them about the illegal contact lens peddler. Maybe I'll start my own black market website. Yeah, and I'll name it something clever like youcannotbuycontactsheresodonteventry.com, you know, to throw off the authorities.

You know, if it wasn't for these seemingly minor daily issues, my life would be pretty boring, nothing but girls, girls girls. Or nothing but... well, nothing.

"Don't pick a fight with a little guy that doesn't talk that much. Don't pick up a cherrybomb thinkin' it's a dud. And don't sneak out of a two story house usin' bed sheets as a rope. Don't ask me how I know..."