Friday, December 30, 2005

A podcast for the New Year!

Well, another year has just about passed us by. Time to think about all the things you didn't do this year. And all the things you're probably not gonna do next year.

Seriously, I want to wish you all a happy, healthy, safe, and prosperous 2006. Thanks for stopping by this year. Thanks even more for your comments. As my little New Year's gift for all of you, I now present the latest episode of the J&K Show:

(Click here to listen).

This episode features our first-ever female in-studio guest. As well as a special South Park holiday song to close out the show. As always, your comments and feedback are welcome. Hope you enjoy.

Not sure how much I'll be blogging this weekend. I might be a little busy ;-) But I truly hope that you all have a Happy New Year and find someone cute to kiss at midnight.

"Spinning on that dizzy edge, I kissed her face and kissed her head, and dreamed of all the different ways I had to make her glow..."

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Fun with wood and screws

Pseudo live-blogging the assembling of my new computer desk from Monday afternoon.

2:10 PM - I decide to try and put together my shiny new computer desk. (Some assembly required.)

2:27 PM - I have all the parts out of the box. That only took seventeen minutes. Not bad.

2:28 PM - There's little pieces of white styrofoam all over the floor. I'll have to vacuum when this is done. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I have many friends who vacuum. What the crap am I even talking about?

2:29 PM - Pondering whether or not to attempt the assembly without instruction manual. Aaah, who needs instructions! (Kidding.)

2:30 PM - Wow! That's a lot of screws!

2:31 PM - I just realized something. I don't own an electric screwdriver. This is gonna be great!

2:32 PM - If only I was on Home Improvement, I could just be like, "Could you bring me an electric screwdriver, Heidi?" Maybe I'll try it anyway.

2:33 PM - Didn't work.

2:50 PM - Page one of eleven in the instruction manual completed. That wasn't so bad. Manuel Labor lives on!

3:06 PM - Page 4. There seem to be more steps on each page now. Lots of screwing, tapping, brackets, and compression dowels. Can you smell the testosterone?

3:07 PM - I hope that's testosterone.

3:28 PM - Now it's beginning to look like something:

3:42 PM - Screw #38 of 86. Getting blisters on my right hand. Kinda reminds me of playing Nintendo until 3 AM when I was little and my right thumb would be blistered and eventually calloused from pressing the A & B buttons. RBI Baseball, baby!

3:43 PM - Too much manual screwing. Definitely need a battery-powered device.

3:56 PM - The Memphis/Akron football game is on TV. Akron is in a bowl game? I can think of no other single fact to better illustrate that there are way too many college bowl games than that.

3:59 PM - Lil Booty just called. Dinner at 6:30 at Cracker Barrell. Which means I have less than two hours if I want to finish this up before going to dinner.

4:10 PM - Wondering what I'll order. Perhaps the fried catfish filet. Or meatloaf maybe. And definitely getting hashbrown casserole as one of my sides. They have the best salads. Maybe I'll eat light and save room for blackberry cobbler for dessert. Mmmm, I'm hungry.

4:19 PM - I wonder what the AAT is on this. (Average Assembly Time.) I'm sure I'm blowing it out of the water. One way or the other.

4:29 PM - Instead of saying "Serenity Now," I like to sing "Puff the Magic Dragon" during times of extreme stress, such as repeatedly dropping screws, scratching paint off the wall of my home with cumbersome raw materials, etc. I find it very soothing.

4:36 PM - Remember Roller Derby? I used to like watching that when they would show it on ESPN. Like back in the 80's. The Thunderbirds. Wasn't that one of the teams?

4:45 PM - I've had like ten phone calls just since I started working!! Bone is gettin' upset!

4:49 PM - ARGH!!! The screws keep falling off my supposedly magnetic screwdriver!!

4:50 PM - Puff the magic dragon, lives by the sea...

4:57 PM - Hmm, this is interesting. I seem to have used the screws that I need right now about an hour ago. Oops! I'm sure it'll be fine.

5:06 PM - Last step on page 10: "Tighten all screws on complete unit to ensure stability." Pffffffttt!!! Whatever.

5:25 PM - Done! Just a handful of screws and one piece of wood leftover. Not bad. Who's your daddy!!! (Did I really just say that out loud?)

Whew, that was quite exhilarating. I suddenly feel the need for a cigarette, which is quite odd considering I've never smoked.

"Sit here on the stairs cos I'd rather be alone. If I can't have you right now, I'll wait dear..."

Monday, December 26, 2005

I hate when it's over

Was off work today. Successfully assembled the computer desk I got for Christmas. You'll hear more about that later. The week between Christmas and New Year's is just an odd week. Definitely unique. I refer to it as the "lost week." OK, not really. Made that up just now. I think it's definitely dead week for blogs and bloggers though. Yet and still, I press on...

Hope that you all had a wonderful Christmas. Got much more than I deserved. Seinfeld Season 5 & 6 DVD's, Curb Your Enthusiasm Season 1, and Cheers Season 1. Robert Palmer's greatest hits CD. Blah blah blah. This year, for one of our presents, Mom went out and got us something old. She found this storybook which was my sister's favorite book when she was little. My Dad used to read it to her every single night and if he tried to skip a couple of pages, she'd know it and make him go back. For me, she got this plate which had a picture on it and "Christmas 1973" written on it. She gave it to me, along with a card in which she had written, "I found this plate from 1973, the first Christmas we shared together, the best Christmas of my life. Thanks for the greatest Christmas present ever..."

During the poker game Friday night, we were trying to give everyone a name of a professional poker player. I was tabbed Jesus Ferguson. James was Phil Hellmuth, Meghan was Annie Duke, and Little Joe was Dan Harrington. Don't think we ever came up with a name for Buzz or Lil Bootay. Hmm, that was quite random. Not sure what brought that up, but it was funny one time when I won a big pot, James said, "And Jesus throws the money changers out of the temple!"

Went to the book store tonight. Bought Of Mice And Men. That prompted this conversation betwen the cashier and me:
"Um no." (But I'll take that as a compliment.)
"Just never read it."
"You never had to read this in school?"
"Well, if I did, I didn't."
"Oh, it's really good."
Ya think?

I really had a good weekend. From Festivus Friday night, to family stuff Saturday and Sunday, to hanging with friends tonight, it's been nice. And now. It's over. I hate when Christmas is over. As much as this is the most wonderful time of the year, once it's over, once the presents are unwrapped and family and friends have gone, it's my least favorite time. I'm not sure what it is. Maybe it's because I know it'll be another whole year until it comes again. But the end of Christmas makes me sad.

Sitting there Sunday, watching the pile of presents slowly dwindle, I was sad. I like to take a break from opening gifts and make it last as long as possible. It's not a selfish thing. I don't think I would care if a single gift under the tree was for me or not. I just want it to last. I was thinking Saturday night about how I found it nearly impossible to get to sleep on Christmas Eve for so many years. I remember hearing noises and wondering if it was Santa. And thinking I'd better hurry and get to sleep. Christmas Eve is filled with so much anticipation. But by Christmas night, it's all over. Maybe Adam Sandler had it figured out, with "eight crazy nights."

Now all that's left is to put up the presents up and take down the tree. Oh, and take the wreath off the front of my car. Whoever said that was good for attracting chicks was dead wrong! ;-)

"We got Ann Landers and her sister Dear Abby. Harrison Ford's a quarter Jewish. Not too shabby..."

Sunday, December 25, 2005

Festivus Recap (with pictures)

Two days after Festivus, and I'm still thinking of grievances I should have aired...

Despite a few no-shows, I think it's safe to say that a good time was had by all at the first annual Festivus party. Bone had the refreshment table decorated with a traditional solid red table cloth, and served an array of delicious refreshments, ranging from Junior Mints and Twix to chips and salsa. (But no double-dipping!) The celebration began with the Festivus dinner, which consisted of Domino's pizza. While eating, the guests enjoyed "The Outing" episode of Seinfeld, followed by "The Strike," from which Festivus originated.

Next, it was time for the Airing of Grievances. This actually worked out better than I ever thought it would. The grievance worksheets were passed around and everyone worked on them for about fifteen minutes. Then James, playing the part of Frank Costanza, read a bit from "The Strike" script. After that, each of the guests took turns standing by the Festivus pole and airing his or her grievances. The pole was a big hit, especially with Buzz.

Following that, we played a game of Cranium. The team of Bone, Java, Bootay, and James narrowly defeated the foursome of J-Mo, Buzz, Little Joe, and Meghan. After that was over, the Asians decided they had to leave early. Something about "It's already Saturday afternoon in China!" So the six of us who remained decided to play No-Limit Texas Hold 'Em. I guess this was our version of the Feats of Strength. Little Joe and I were the only ones to leave with anything more than our underwear and car keys.

I think everyone finally ended up leaving a little after 1:00. Of course, I was up to nearly 3:00 after Buzz and Meghan presented me with this:

River Raid, Combat, Missile Command, Yars' Revenge, Pitfall, etc. And original controllers! Are you kidding me?

Here are some Festivus pics and a couple of other random pics from the weekend:
1. 2.

3. 4.

5. 6.

1. The official Airing of Grievances worksheet.
2. Java Boo Boo airs his grievances with women everywhere.
3. Two sleepy girls on my couch. The last time that happened? Hmm...
4. 'Neath my tree, circa 4:30 PM Saturday. See? It's not OCD. Just don't dare move any of them.
5. "You know, I really thought there'd be more girls here... not that there's anything wrong with that."
6. Day after Festivus/Christmas Eve lunch. It was during this meal that I decided I had a new favorite part of the female anatomy.

So, the pole is back in the crawlspace (actually up on a shelf in the laundry room). The grievances have been aired. Festivus is over. I proudly declare the first annual Festivus party a qualified success. And if I don't get kicked out, as we got quite loud the other night, I plan to have another one next year. I was reading the other day that Alabama was the first state to recognize Christmas as a legal holiday. Hey, at least we were first in something. And if I have anything to do with it, we'll be the first to recognize Festivus as well.

"How can it be permissible? She compromised my principle, yeah yeah. That kind of love is mythical. She's anything but typical..."

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Dear Santa

Well, I finished printing out my Airing of Grievance worksheets and my Human Fund donation cards. So I decided to write my Dear Santa letter. Got this idea from Sherry. It actually took longer than I thought it would. And am I the only one having difficulty finding much time to blog these days?

Dear Santa (or Yo Santa Clizzaus... whichever you prefer),

It's Bone. Yeah, I know, it's been awhile since I've sent you a letter. At least like five years. I'm not really writing for myself this year, Santa. I have more than enough. I have the 1,244,375th most popular blog on the internet. Sure it would be nice to break into that top million. But that would be selfish of me. No, Santa, this year I'm writing to ask for some things for my blog friends.

For Buzz... I wish that you bring him a camera so that he can take more pictures of Reagan and update his blog, which seemingly hasn't been updated since the Reagan administration.

For Carnealian... I wish for the ability for her to continue partying well into her early 30's. And that she would never again be a victim of false advertising.

For Cindy and Interstellar Lass... I wish for a beautiful wedding and a happy marriage. And that they won't go the way of so many and let their blogs fall by the wayside once they're married. Perhaps I should share with them the Parable of the Blogger, Santa.

For Coyote Mike... I wish for a cure for his terminal shyness. And the ability to channel Bobby Fischer or Boris Spassky so that he can beat five-year-old child prodigies at chess.

For Crys... Please bring her the ability to understand my restroom rules and movie theater seating etiquette. And also I wish for you to bring her a challenging, suitable job.

For Dea... I wish for more guys and fewer girls to hit on her. Although, really, I don't see the problem. And that her Yahoo pool skillz would someday be comparable to mine ;-)

For Erica... I wish for the time and desire to return to blogging. And commenting.

For Fly Girl... I wish for delay-free flights, good weather, and all those things in the Days of Flight Attendant Christmas.

For GroovyChick... I wish for a super cute motorcycle helmet. And that none of her kitties will run away again.

For Heather B... I wish for an endless supply of pseudo-boyfriends. Perhaps even a real one. And the courage to say, "Because Sir Bone used it in his blog" when people ask why she's singing the same song all day.

For JC... I wish for lots of hugs.

For J-Mo... I wish that you bring him a different girl every weekend... for him to take pictures of, that is. And that he'll not be shafted again anytime soon.

For Kerry... I wish for good health. And the desire to again liveblog American Idol this coming season.

For Kyle... I wish for his parents to hurry up and move out of the house. And that you bring him the ability to successfully recreate the incredible skydiving accident.

For Lil Bootay... I wish for healthy corn and healthy cows. And that she would never try and date any of my friends again ;-) And that you would bring her the ability to dissuade me from hooking up with any of her roomates again. Hmm, on second thought, scratch that last one. It actually wasn't that bad.

For Lindsy... I wish for a man who is kind, funny, and has a job... oh, and is good looking and isn't needy. Oh, and likes to cook, wants to travel, and has the ability to listen. Gee, there must at least... tens of those out there. Oh yeah, and he must have my approval ;-)

For Lizzie... I wish for a Yankees championship this coming season. That is, if the Reds don't have a breakout year. But, let's face it... And for the ability to continue to be ambiguous. And that she'll share details of her dreams about other bloggers. And that she will stop worrying about why she doesn't worry about things she thinks she ought to be worried about :-)

For Mappy B... I wish that her blog would have no future breakdowns. I wish that she have a wonderful and safe trip. And I wish for her future quizzes of the day to be so designed so that I will be able to impress and astound with my knowledge of seemingly unimportant topics.

For Meghan... I wish that she not be exposed to any more public urination episodes. That you bring her the ability to say no to certain babysitting gigs. And for her splendid writing and causticity to continue.

For OC Girl... I wish that she soon be over the soreness caused by her early morning romp on the stairs. Will she never learn? I wish for her to gain the fortune and fame that she deserves for creating terms that we all use everyday now, like blerd and blover. And I wish for her to have the best New Year's ever!

For Pia... I wish for a book deal. Like a gargantuan one, with a big sum up front. So that she can keep her place in the city, and also be able to buy a house out in the country where she can escape and write, like Chevy Chase in Funny Farm.

For Sallwood... Well, Santa, anyone that can drop as many Seinfeld references as she is obviously a well-balanced individual. I wish for her to prevail in the Feats of Strength.

For Sherry... I wish for her to get her braces off soon (even though some of us think braces are cute). And that she might always maintain her youthful aura and remain forever young.

For Tenacious T... I wish that you would bring her someone like this. And I wish for my blog entries to continue to creep into her mind throughout the day, and affect her thoughts and decisions ;-) Oh, and for her and me, please bring a national championship for Bama!

For Tiffany... I wish that you would bring her the time and desire to blog again, so that her last entry would not be a "Dear Bone" letter.

For Xinh...
I wish you to bring
Her a gay boyfriend this year
That's her wish, not mine.

And a year full of creative haikus :-)

Finally, for all the lurkers out there... I wish that you would bring them the courage to post a comment, even anonymously. I know you're out there. I have site meter, stat counter, and CIA-tracking software. So say hi!

And for everyone... I wish good health for you and your loved ones, contentment, love, and many comments for your blogs.

I'm sorry if I've forgotten anyone. Just leave me a comment and I'll add you.

Merry Christmas from Bone!

"Guess my life's moved at near light speed, since I started this wild and crazy run. Such a long way from that first birthday. Merry Christmas, everyone..."

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Ya Quirky Bone

So I got tagged by Kerry and Sherry (no relation, far as I know) for two different memes. One is list five quirky things about yourself. The other is list five random facts about yourself that most people don't know. So I have decided to combine them both into one meme.

So here are Five Quirky Things About Bone (That Most People Don't Know):

1. I sing, hum, tap, almost non-stop. (I'm sure some would disagree with the "almost" part of that statement.) Very random songs, too. Carol of the Bells, Gold Digger, Piano Man. It matters not the genre. Ask anyone who knows me in real life. They all love it!

2. I don't like mustard and cheese on the same sandwich. I like mustard. And I love cheese! But if I have a cheeseburger, I prefer no mustard. Mayo is fine, but no mustard. I feel that the mustard somehow takes away from the flavor of the cheese. I think I could probably prove this scientifically, but really, who has the time?

3. I organize my Christmas presents very neatly under the tree. I think it really bugged a couple of girls I dated. Well, they said it did anyway. One of my ex-girlfriends says that this is part of my OCD. But my presents must be stacked very orderly. It's really a sight to see. Sort of like the crop circles or Stonehenge or something. Or at least like one of those really cool million domino displays on That's Incredible. Maybe I'll take a picture of them this year. I was raised in a house of neatly stacked presents, and I've turned out OK. Except for the fact that if I turn on a light switch with my left hand, I then also have to touch the light switch with my right hand. Or something very bad will happen.

4. I don't like to use the bathroom if anyone else is in the house, or if I'm at work, or at someone else's house. And I appreciate if you afford me the same consideration. And I'm not talking about urinating. Obviously, I have no problems doing that. No, I'm talking about a certain impending intestinal requirement. I actually dated a girl one time, and I'd make her go to the store so that I could meet said requirement. I also like to take my pants off during this activity, or at least one pant leg, so that I feel unencumbered. Is that weird?

And, if you're still reading after that...
5. My bedroom door and closet door have to be closed before I can go to sleep at night. Every night. And not just pushed to, but completely fastened/latched/closed. If I get in bed and see that one of them is open, I get up and shut it. Then again, perhaps this is part of OCD?

*Note: I was going to include how it's virtually impossible for me to hear someone misquote a Seinfeld episode and not correct them. Or if someone says Jerry did something, but it was really George, I just can't let it go. But I figured most of you already assumed that.

I'm not going to tag anyone. But if you'd like to pretend that Bone tagged you, feel free.

"Yo, I'm the big booty type. I like 'em thick with they mind right..."

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

The Contest

Pia is having a contest to decide the perfect song for me. So think about it. What song fits Bone? Click on the link to head over to her site and tell her what you think my song should be. If she gets enough 'ments, she has promised to invite me to her first book signing, mention me on Regis & Kelly, and allow me to do the Pia Reality Tour. OK, not really. But maybe.

So yesterday was holiday shopping with Bone. Went straight to the mall after work. Didn't get home until after 10:00. On the radio, I was listening to some call-in show. They were pretty much talking about the exact thing I mentioned the other day with the Hardees girl. One guy called and said if he met a girl who worked at McDonald's, he'd be excited and tell all his buddies about her. But if a girl met a guy who worked at McDonald's, she probably wouldn't tell her friends where he worked and she'd be telling him everyday to find a new job. I was like, dude's been reading my blog! While we're on the subject, I saw Meg Ryan again this morning. Got her name this time. Her real name.

Anyway, while walking thru the mall with the handles from seven bags cutting off the circulation in my hands, I was stricken with a sudden bout of SNGLAIPOA depression (she's-not-gonna-like-anything-I-pick-out-anyway). It was accompanied by a bit of what-am-i-even-doing-here-itis. Fortunately, that was short-lived.

But shopping for girls is difficult. Clothes-wise anyway. I mean, it's gotta fit just right in all these different places. So maybe it's foolish to even try. I should get something for effort though, right? Plus, in many of these stores, I'm the only guy in there. Normally, being the only guy in a sea of mostly attractive, well-dressed women is not a problem. It's a dream. A fantasy. But I digress...

Let me just say this. If you work in retail, in a women's clothing store or in the women's department, and a guy walks in by himself, especially this time of year, please offer to help him. Because chances are, he really needs it.

On the positive side of this shopping for girls thing, I usually always implore a strategy of finding an attractive sales associate and asking her for help. I did this a couple of times yesterday. In one store, a very helpful (and rather voluptuous) girl even offered to try on an item I was considering. Who am I to stand in the way of excellent customer service. So while I stood there staring trying to decide, she said, "Shopping for girls can be hard." Yeah, like I don't know that.

After shopping, it felt like an Arby's night. So while I was in the area, I called up James (from the first girl I ever called story). He is the only person I know who is anywhere near as big a Seinfeld fanatic as me. We could talk about Seinfeld for hours. He'll be at the Festivus party.

Most interesting item of the day: Metrosexual Cartman

"I'll be home for Christmas. You can plan on me. Please have snow and mistletoe, and presents on the tree..."

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Behold... the pole

Continuing in the tradtion of Frank Costanza and... unnamed others, I proudly present my Festivus pole:

Spent much of the evening working on this baby. Using my MacGyver-like resourcefulness, and skills I learned watching Alive, I was able to assemble the pole from materials I purchased. Total cost: About $15. So the people at can keep their forty dollar pole. Your momma costs forty dollars!

Declaration on the tree stand I purchased: "Great for crooked trunks!" Not sure why I found that humorous.

Five days until Bone's First Annual Festivus Party! This is gonna be great!

"These moments we're left with, may you always remember. These moments are shared by few. And those harbor lights, aw, they're coming into view. We bid our farewell much too soon..."

Friday, December 16, 2005

What I Should Have Said to Meg Ryan

Happy holidays, and welcome in to another fun and exciting edition of "What I Should Have Said." Today's contestant once again, you know him, you love him... our very own Bone! On today's show, we find Bone going thru the drive thru at the local Hardees for breakfast. He is very happy, as he has just spent five minutes scraping ice off his car so that he can see to drive to work. This, despite the fact that driving with ice-covered windows and zero visibility is increasingly tempting.

Bone's order: Two cinnamon & raisin biscuits and a medium Mountain Dew.

At the window, we find today's willing accomplice, an extremely cute blonde named... Hmm... well names really aren't important. So we'll just refer to her as Meg Ryan. Meg gives Bone his total. He hands her his money and she hands him his food and drink. When she returns with his change, she sees the accumulation of ice around the car window and says with a radiant smile, "It looks like it snowed on your car."

If you would like to play, using your qwerty keyboard, type in now what you think Bone should have said. Here's one suggestion:

What Bone should have said: "Yeah, wanna come over and help me build a snowman?"

What Bone actually did say: "Yeah..." (and quickly drives away)

Eh, it's too early in the morning to be picking up chicks anyway. Especially very cute, friendly ones...? But I think I will be frequenting ye olde establishment more often. For breakfast only though. Not sure I could stomach a thickburger. Even for love...

Kids say the darndest things...
Switching gears, I thought I would leave you with a light-hearted slice of life. This exchange comes from my Mom via my aunt. My first cousin, who is in kindergarten, was trying to get her grandma's attention the other day. Grandma was reading or watching TV or something, so she resorted to other tactics:

"Some people don't believe in Santa Claus, Nanny."
"Some people don't even believe in God, Nanny."
"The only reason you believe in God is so that you can go to heaven and meet Elvis."

Attention achieved! Sounds like Nanny's been telling some very interesting bedtime stories. Have a great weekend!

"I'm quiet you know. You make a first impression. I've found I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind..."

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Thursday Thirteen III

Thirteen Things from the mind of Bone...

1. Was going to try and think of a theme for this week's Thirteen, but it just ain't happening. So on with the randomness.

2. She was in town yesterday. We met at the mall, shopped a bit, then came back to my place. She really liked my place.

3. I don't even know what to think or how I feel anymore about the whole situation. Had not seen her in about a year and a half. Yet we can get together on the spur of the moment and it's just like we've been hanging out every week or something. Hugged tightly as she left. There's a lot in that hug.

4. Just finished writing out Christmas cards. I have discovered that my cursive writing sucks. So I wrote some cards in cursive and printed a few. I might have even done one card half-print and half-cursive. That's what the holidays are all about. Oh, and the envelopes weren't sticking very well. I hope that glue wasn't toxic.

5. I am a lot more stressed right now than I pretend to be. Work has been busier. I still have a lot of shopping to do. Not to mention getting everything ready for the Festivus party. Jerry, after shaving his chest: "I think I may have made a big mistake!" :-)

6. Festivite tally thusfar: 7 confirmed guests. 4 are undecided (although I think one was a joke and they are for sure coming). 2 have declined. And 8 haven't yet replied.

7. It's really difficult to follow up an entry like the Buffer Zone. Maybe I should just start going to movies and handing out citations to buffer zone violators.

8. Seems to me that we are losing more and more bloggers to My Space. Losing bloggers, in itself, is no big deal. But losing bloggers usually means losing commenters. And that is when I start to cry.

9. I just finished a cup of hot chocolate. Mmmm! Except that last little lukewarm sip in the bottom of the cup... really isn't very good.

10. I really wish TVland or some channel would show Welcome Back, Kotter regularly. And Car 54 Where Are You. And Mork & Mindy.

11. My Janeane Garofalo entry got linked to on some Janeane Garofalo site.

12. Ten days until Christmas! I just want to slow down, watch some holiday movies, watch it snow, ride around and look at Christmas lights. Because once it's gone, it's gone.

13. I am really looking forward to New Year's this year. *mischievous grin*

Links to other Thursday Thirteens!

1. Coyote Mike
2. Sallwood
3. Jen
4. Carnealian
5. Xinh
6. Renee
7. (leave your link in the comments, and I'll add you here!)

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It's easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

"We couldn't tear ourselves away. I wonder if you care. I wonder if you still remember. Once upon a time, in your wildest dreams..."

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Buffer zone, please!

Blogging away while eating microwaved Chef Boyardee spaghetti & meatballs for my supper at 11:30 at night. This, my friends, is the life...

Saw Walk The Line tonight. I thoroughly enjoyed it. While Joaquin was Johnny almost from the start, I just kept seeing Reese Witherspoon rather than June up there. Make sense? But I think maybe that has more to do with the fact that I am so much more familiar with Johnny Cash and how he's supposed to look and sound, and know little about June. Anyway, it completely kept my interest. Never found myself wondering how much longer until it's over, which to me, is the simplest way to judge if I think a movie is good or not.

So went my second trip into a theater in 2005. I really like the filmstrip roller coaster they show before the movie. Do you have that where you are? And as far as the previews, Munich looks enticing.

Well, that wasn't the entire story. You may remember the proper restroom etiquette post I did just a few weeks ago. Well, it has come to my attention that a related post needs to be done on proper theater etiquette. That's right friends, the complex interworkings of homophobic male relationships don't end once we zip up and exit the friendly confines of the men's room.

So I'll just get right into it. I met a friend at the theater tonight. I walked in and sat down in the third seat from the aisle. This was carefully pre-planned so that he would be able to skip one seat between us and sit on the end. But did he? No. He crowded under me like a newborn puppy does to its mother. He sat right next to me! This is wrong! Two guys should never sit side-by-side in a less-than-full theater. It's just abnormal. Not to mention less than 100% hetero. I thought about moving, but for some reason didn't. I don't want to be the one who has to tell him about proper theater etiquette. He's in his 30's. He should know this by now. What are we teaching our kids in school?

So what do you do? You skip a seat. It's called a buffer zone. It's really quite simple when you think about it. For example, if we had been at my place, sitting on the couch watching TV, would we sit right next to each other? Of course not. We'd sit on opposite ends. Maybe even with a pillow in between. Why? Because there is little, if anything, more awkward in the life of heterosexual man than for his hand to accidentally come in contact with the hand of another man. If and when that ever happens, both parties feel extremely awkward and uncomfortable. Not a word is said. It must never be spoken of by either of you in any context ever again. And it may take several minutes, even an hour or more, to put it behind you. To prove my point on all of this, two guys came into the theater and sat two rows in front of us, leaving a seat between them. And you thought it was just me.

On a similar note, if you're double-dating at the movies, you don't sit girl-guy-guy-girl. You sit guy-girl-girl-guy. This is so that the girls can chat, giggle, and plan when to go to the bathroom together. And also... there's a 0.001% chance they might... kiss.

After the movie, I stopped at the restroom. Two urinals. Both open. I take the one on the left. Midstream, some guy comes in and, you guessed it, sets up shop right next to me, with at least five perfectly good enclosed stalls available.

In the name of all things hetero, has the whole world gone mad?!

"Why are you so far away, she said. Why won't you ever know that I'm in love with you? I'm in love with you..."

Monday, December 12, 2005

Me and Janeane Garofalo

Can I make the uninteresting seem interesting? We shall see, as I recap a bit of my weekend...

I went to the mall Christmas shopping Friday. While in Dillards, there was just one girl and me in a particular section of the store, albeit on opposite sides. We were nowhere near each other, probably at least fifty feet apart. She had a little Janeane Garofalo thing going on. From that distance anyway. So a saleslady, who had sort of a Janet Reno thing going on, came out and asked Janeane if we needed help with anything. Janeane mumbled something back, prompting Janet to say, "Oh, I thought you two were together." That was a nice three seconds.

Then, while at the Hickory Farms stand just minutes later, the same thing happened again, with a different girl. She was at one end looking at cheese balls or spreads or something, and the clerk was trying to help her. Meanwhile, I was circling round and round the stand like it was the city of Jericho. Well, after a couple times around, he said something to her and then looked at me and said, "Oh I thought you were with him." So apparently, I look like I should be married. Or at least coupling. Or shopping with a girl. Or something.

Later that night, I stopped by a friend's to hang out for a bit. There are two entrances to his house, the front door and a side door in the garage. I always go to the front door. So he opened the wooden door and just sort of stood there staring at the screen door, finally saying, "I think the door is broken. You can try to open it if you want." I pressed the handle and pulled a couple of times. Nothing. It was stuck. So I told him I'd just go to the garage door. Well, I stood outside the garage, waiting to hear the familiar hum of an electric garage door opener. What I heard instead was some banging around on the other side of the door. Then what I saw was the garage door slowly opening with two hands underneath, manually pulling it up. Suddenly, I heard something catch and the door stopped, about 18 inches off the ground. Then I heard a voice say, "Can you get in under there?" By this time, I was laughing out loud. I was thinking, dude, I'm not crawling face-first on your garage floor to get into your house. I'll just come back later. We finally got it open, but he said he didn't think he'd be able to get it closed again. It's a fairly nice neighborhood, too. Or, was.

That was pretty much my Friday. And the story of my friend, the shut-in. Did more shopping Saturday and Sunday. It's coming so fast. Still have to write and send my Christmas cards and send out evites to my Festivus party. I did finally put my tree up Sunday. It has lights, but no balls. Yet.

"What brings a man to his knees is often brought on by himself. If a second chance were offered, and she could love me like before, I'd go back to the end and start over again, on 12/12/84..."

Friday, December 09, 2005

Where do you prefer it?

"We like women. We want women. But that's pretty much as far as we've thought. That's why we're honking car horns, yelling from construction sites. These are the best ideas we've had so far." - Jerry Seinfeld, I'm Telling You For The Last Time

Dig, if you will, the picture...
A lone runner strides around a track, just before dusk, circa 2005. The track runs the perimeter of a local park. The runner sees a female approaching from the opposite direction. He has seen her here before. She also runs. And possesses many of the qualities prized by superficial man. They exchange smiles and a breathless "Hi" as they pass. A short time later, they both arrive back at their cars at the same time, thanks to some clever planning and a well-timed cool-down walk. What happens next?

This post was born from my convenience store post, and several of the comments which followed. I was a little freaked out that the clerk at the store asked me out. Then a few of you gave examples where you experienced something similar, and were also a bit freaked out.

At the track, I have been faced with this scenario several times. I think to myself, first of all, she's cute. Second of all, we have at least one thing in common. Then I always question whether or not it is appropriate. I mean, there are times people just want to be left alone, right? Plus, I have an acquired aversion to mace. So where is it OK to meet someone?

And let's not even count clubs. We all know about that. Besides, most of us can all pick up a less-than-sober femme. One problem with that is that once she sobers up, i.e. the next day, more times than not, she's not quite as enamored with you anymore. On the other hand, I am sure there are places that are definitely off-limits for such activity. Funerals, the gynecologist... "Say, this baby will be out in two more months, and you'll be looking slim and trim again. Wanna have dinner next February? Can you get a sitter?" Not apropos, I'm guessing?

Meanwhile, as I recently discovered, the grocery store seems to be a good place to meet girls. There are lots of aisles, therefore more chances to bump into each other. Lots of squeezing and feeling going on in the produce section. Or maybe I just think it's a good place because there is almost always a very favorable female-to-male ratio there.

And don't forget about my friend who was kissed by her pest control guy. And what about work? Dating co-workers, an employee, your boss or supervisor? Off-limits, awkward, or OK?

Was chatting with another friend the other night. I mentioned how I find it odd that so many people are looking for someone, yet... so many people are still looking for someone. Make sense? And she mentioned how there are so many thousands of people on singles sites and dating sites, but where are they in the real world? Do they all just stay inside in front of the computer all day everyday? Well, a good number do, I'm sure. In their Mom's basement. But most of them live somewhat normal lives. They work, they go to school, they run, they walk, they shop.

So I'm asking ladies, because while the Seinfeld bit I quoted is humorous, there is quite a bit of truth to it. Where to you prefer to be asked out/hit on? I would like to hear your thoughts and ideas on the topic. And what places and situations would make you feel awkward?

RSVP. My clock is ticking. Until then, I'll be over in fruits and vegetables feeling melons...

"We were walkin' 'long the ocean, together hand in hand, when I stopped to write I love you in the sand. When I looked up you were standin' ten miles out to sea. In a sweat, I woke up from that crazy dream..."

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Thursday Thirteen #2

Thirteen Things from the mind of Bone...

1. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only guy on the face of the planet who does the Thursday 13.

2. I went to K-Mart last night to look for a Festivus pole, but I didn't find any. Someone told me they'd seen them there, but now I wonder if they were just yanking my chain.

3. The Festivus poles online are like $40 plus shipping.

4. To me, that in itself goes against the anti-commercialization premise that Festivus was founded upon.

5. I think the party will be interesting. I have different groups of friends that are pretty much kept separate. This will be the first time they're all together. Worlds will be colliding.

6. Tuesday night, I watched more TV than I have in a long time. I watched A Charlie Brown Christmas. Then that new show about the female President. That was pretty good. Then the General Hospital replay on SoapNet. Then Seinfeld on TBS.

7. It was "The Gymnast" episode of Seinfeld. George's girlfriend's mother catches him eating out of the trash can. Then he comes out of the bathroom with his shirt off in front of everyone, because "it frees me up, no encumbrances."

8. I like to feel unencumbered as well, but that's all I'm going to say about that. Anything more would probably be way TMI.

9. I nicked myself shaving yesterday. Was chatting with someone about that this morning. Is it really the best idea to shave first thing in the morning? I mean, I'm barely awake, I'm stubbing my toe, bumping into doorways... Yeah, seems like a good time to run a sharp blade back and forth several times just millimeters from my jugular.

9. I bought Martha Stewart wrapping paper and a pack of candy canes at K-Mart last night. My only Christmas purchases thusfar this year, besides my Christmas cards. Which I still haven't addressed, by the way.

10. The bathrooms are still out of order at work. Random insert: Since the last time I um, released, I've had 16 ounces of chocolate milk and 12 ounces of Mountain Dew. I've been going home everyday at lunch just to evacuate my system.

11. I wish it would snow here. A lot of bloggers are writing about it snowing. I wish it'd snow enough here to make a snowman and snow cream. Does anyone else know what snow cream is?

12. I have been looking online for jobs in Nashville and Dallas this week, for some reason.

13. I would love to write for a living. Not sure I could ever write a novel. But perhaps a column. Or short stories.

Links to other Thursday Thirteens!

1. Jennifer
2. Jen
3. Sallwood
4. Coyote Mike
5. Interstellar Lass
6. TC
7. Renee
8. (leave your link in the comments, and I'll add you here!)

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It's easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

"I don't know the answer to the easy way she opened every door in my mind. But dreamin' was as easy as believin' it was never gonna end. And lovin' her was easier than anything I'll ever do again..."

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

My Kingdom for a Throne?

I hope you all made it through the big blogspot outage last night OK. Early reports include only a few scattered suicides. Although quite a few computers were destroyed beyond repair. It served as a reminder to me to back up my stuff. Sitting there last night, without any blogs to surf, I was really feeling confused and disoriented, like a little boy waking up in the morning at Neverland. I tried to remember what I did before blogs. Ended up going to bed around 10:30, earlier than I have in months and months.

Someday I might be married. Someday I might have kids. But at 4:30 yesterday, I was standing at the ironing board, dressed in boxers, socks, and a long-sleeved black shirt that I'd worn to work. And those things seemed a million miles away. So I began to ponder, why is the ironing board tapered on one end? I never use the small end. Always the wide end. I mean, you can't slip a pant leg on there. I don't think. Someone later told me that it was for the shoulders of shirts or something. Really? It's hard for me to grasp that the entire ironing board design was altered just so that our shoulders wouldn't be wrinkled. Why not include a couple of extendable prongs on the wide end that we can slip a pair of pants on, and iron them more easily? I detest ironing. I find it tedious and painstaking.

Yesterday morning at work, there was water standing in the front office. I thought the roof might have leaked, as it is prone to do here in the compound. Turns out one of the toilets was leaking. Ugh. We have two bathrooms at work, so the secretary told me that the right one was leaking, so we could only use the one on the left. Then around 1:00 yesterday afternoon, she comes in and tells us that it turns out the line is stopped up outside, so we can no longer use either of the bathrooms for the rest of the day. As she told us, I was just finishing the Mountain Dew I'd had with lunch. As I screwed the top on it, I said, "Well I guess I'll save my bottle then." The ladies got a big laugh out of that. The restrooms are still out of order today!! Such is life here at Branch Davidian East.

Got into a conversation last night with a female about this topic:
Me: "Women can't pee into a bottle, can they?"
Her: "No."
Me: "So you have no control over it?"
Her: "No, it just goes everywhere. Have you never seen a woman pee?"
(Aha! Let's see you stand and not hit the seat.)
Me: "Only on the internet."
Her: "On the internet?"
Me: "I'm kidding."
Her: "That's why when we have to pee in a cup at the doctor's office, it always gets on our hand."
Me: "You can't just stick the bottle right up to where it comes out?"
Her: "I'm not really sure exactly where it comes out."
Me: "Really?"
Her: "Maybe if it was one of those wide-mouth Aquafina bottles. Hey, do you want to hear a really horrible story that I've never told anyone?"
(Now who's gonna say no to that? Nah, keep it to yourself!)

So, ladies, I must say that from what I know, I've come to the conclusion that when it comes to urinating, men definitely have the advantage. The only advantage I see to being a woman in this department is that all your stalls in public restrooms are divided. Well, as far as I know anyway. So give us our due. You may be the fairer sex. OK, let's face it, you are. By far. You're better at asking for directions. Better at matching socks and just matching outfits in general. Probably better at remembering dates and such. You look much better in lingerie (although this guy might not think so). And I'm sure the list could go on and on.

But today I must stake this claim. Men are number one, when it comes to... well, number one.

One day I shall look back upon this post with great pride, I am sure. Right now, I have to go. No, I really have to go...

"All I want to do is see you again. Is that too much to ask for? I just want to see your sweet smile, smiled the way it was before..."

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Festivus At Bone's!

When the search words on your website stats begin to include things like "festivus the human fund card," "festivus feats of strength," and "festivus dinner," that can only mean one thing. That's right! You blog entirely too much about Seinfeld. Um, wait, no. That's not where I was going. That can only mean one thing... Festivus is not far away!

That's right fans of non-commercial, non-religious holidays. A Festivus for the rest of us is just around the corner. So get the aluminum pole out of the crawlspace, get those Human Fund cards ready to send out, and think of all the ways your family and friends have disappointed you over the past year. After all, that's what Festivus is all about.

And this year, for the first time ever, I will be officially celebrating Festivus. I am proud to present Bone's First Annual Festivus Party, Friday, December 23rd, 7:00 PM, at Bone's Bachelor Bordello, aka "the place to be." That's right. The wheels are in motion. I'm really gonna do it! And you're all invited! It's gonna be bigger than the Newmanium party! Although I think it's probably too late to book Christopher Cross. (OK, actually it probably isn't too late, but nonetheless.)

I am planning to hand out Airing of Grievance worksheets and Feats of Strength challenge cards at the door. I will begin the Festivus dinner by reading a short account of the origin of the holiday, including quotes from the father of Festivus, Frank Costanza. As of right now, I am planning on serving pizza for the Festivus dinner. I think that will suffice as a non-traditional holiday food. After dinner snacks will include Pez, Twix, and Junior Mints.

For entertainment, I will be showing "The Strike" episode of Seinfeld, which of course features Festivus. We might also be playing games, such as Scrabble ("quone"), Risk ("Ukraine is weak"), and Battleship (but you have to make the explosion sound when your ship gets sunk). Other possibilities include a rock-paper-scissors tournament. And if the weather isn't too cold, we might try to get up a game of frolf. (No, we're not gonna have a contest. Sorry. Maybe next year. I'll try to have a few Glamour magazines on hand.)

The celebration will end with a bang, as two lucky Festivites will participate in Feats of Strength. A friend was asking me the other day who will be taking part in the Feats of Strength this year. Well, that can't be determined until everyone fills out their challenge cards. But one thing is for sure, Festivus is not officially over until someone has been pinned!

I am planning on sending out my evites sometime this week. Email me if you need directions to my place. I am only really allotted two parking spaces, so if some of you could ride together, um yeah, that would be great. Please wear no clothing with Christmas colors in them. And there will be no singing of Christmas carols or other holiday songs. Unless Kyle gets drunk and starts singing the dreidel song again.

So whether you're a marine biologist or an architect, whether your a high-talker or a close-talker, whether you're fake handicap or just a phony, I encourage you all to join with Seinfeld fans from Del Boca Vista to The Hamptons in celebrating this great holiday this year. Would love to hear suggestions and ideas from those celebrating this year and those who have celebrated Festivus in the past.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go fill my freezer with my own blood...

"Swiss Colony beef log, baby, that's what Christmas is all about. Roly-poly Colony beef log, baby, makes a young boy scream and shout..."

Thursday, December 01, 2005

The convenience store

Ah, the convenience store. Sometimes it seems like there's one on every corner. An American institution? Well, maybe not. But for rather small-sized stores, they do provide easy access to a wide range of products that consumers may want or need. Until today, I had no idea just what all they do offer...

Almost everyday, as long as I've been at my current job, I have stopped at the same convenience store in the morning. For the past several months, my regular purchase, everyday, has been chocolate milk, bacon biscuit, Mountain Dew, and/or a candy bar. With the candy bar, my total is $4.13. Without, it is $3.27. Also for the past several months, the same girl has been working almost every morning. We have never exchanged much more than typical greetings and tiresome pleasantries. Good morning, have a good day, etc.

Well this morning, I'm not sure if it was the Irish Spring I used in the shower or what, but the following conversation took place as I placed my items, sans candy bar, on the counter:

Her: "Are you married?"
Me: "No."
Her: "I didn't figure you were."
(Aofall, what the freak is that supposed to mean. But anyway...)
Her: "Do you want to be?"
(Uh, did she just propose to me? Or maybe she just wants to fix me up with someone else. It's way too early in my day to think about such things. I finally manage to say something...)
Me: "Uhhh... someday."

Then she walks over to the other lady who is working and mumbles something. They both look at me and smile. She comes back with this dreamy look in her eyes, and at this point, I'm fairly certain that it's her that is interested in me. She rings me up and the conversation continues:

Her: "4.13."
Me: "Uhhh, no. I didn't get a candy bar today."
Her: "Oh, I'm so used to you getting one. I'm sorry. Well, just come in and see me tomorrow and I'll give you your candy for free."
(I'm thinking, "You can't just take it off right now?" But at this point, I just want to say as little as possible and get out of there without being violated.)
Me: "Uhhh... OK. Sure."

And with that, I quickly left, before anyone had a chance to get down on one knee. I think she must have been drunk or heavily medicated. (Which, oddly, is usually the ideal time for me to pick up a girl.) I guess I gotta find a new store. I can't go back in there. They can keep the Mister Goodbar. It's not worth it.

Although I suppose it does add a whole new meaning to the term convenience store.

"See that girl with the red dress on? Some folks call her Dinah. Stole my heart away from me way down in Louisiana. Take me back to Tulsa, I'm too young to marry. Take me back to Tulsa, I'm too young to marry..."