Monday, December 12, 2005

Me and Janeane Garofalo

Can I make the uninteresting seem interesting? We shall see, as I recap a bit of my weekend...

I went to the mall Christmas shopping Friday. While in Dillards, there was just one girl and me in a particular section of the store, albeit on opposite sides. We were nowhere near each other, probably at least fifty feet apart. She had a little Janeane Garofalo thing going on. From that distance anyway. So a saleslady, who had sort of a Janet Reno thing going on, came out and asked Janeane if we needed help with anything. Janeane mumbled something back, prompting Janet to say, "Oh, I thought you two were together." That was a nice three seconds.

Then, while at the Hickory Farms stand just minutes later, the same thing happened again, with a different girl. She was at one end looking at cheese balls or spreads or something, and the clerk was trying to help her. Meanwhile, I was circling round and round the stand like it was the city of Jericho. Well, after a couple times around, he said something to her and then looked at me and said, "Oh I thought you were with him." So apparently, I look like I should be married. Or at least coupling. Or shopping with a girl. Or something.

Later that night, I stopped by a friend's to hang out for a bit. There are two entrances to his house, the front door and a side door in the garage. I always go to the front door. So he opened the wooden door and just sort of stood there staring at the screen door, finally saying, "I think the door is broken. You can try to open it if you want." I pressed the handle and pulled a couple of times. Nothing. It was stuck. So I told him I'd just go to the garage door. Well, I stood outside the garage, waiting to hear the familiar hum of an electric garage door opener. What I heard instead was some banging around on the other side of the door. Then what I saw was the garage door slowly opening with two hands underneath, manually pulling it up. Suddenly, I heard something catch and the door stopped, about 18 inches off the ground. Then I heard a voice say, "Can you get in under there?" By this time, I was laughing out loud. I was thinking, dude, I'm not crawling face-first on your garage floor to get into your house. I'll just come back later. We finally got it open, but he said he didn't think he'd be able to get it closed again. It's a fairly nice neighborhood, too. Or, was.

That was pretty much my Friday. And the story of my friend, the shut-in. Did more shopping Saturday and Sunday. It's coming so fast. Still have to write and send my Christmas cards and send out evites to my Festivus party. I did finally put my tree up Sunday. It has lights, but no balls. Yet.

"What brings a man to his knees is often brought on by himself. If a second chance were offered, and she could love me like before, I'd go back to the end and start over again, on 12/12/84..."


  1. Maybe all the sales people thought you shouldn't be out on your own and that the women were your hired keepers. Some people really shouldn't be out by themselves.

  2. And I have to say this for absolutly no reason other than I am watching Seinfeld:

    "It's like those hip musicians, with their complicated shoes!!"
    -George Costanza.

  3. It's like a sexist thing, can't guys shop alone? I love shopping alone, of course I'm a girl, so I can do that. *L*

  4. The shopping story only reminds me of another lost opportunity in the world of Bone. You bonehead! You really need to learn how and when to take advantage of the opportunity. The shut in story only reminds me of Kyle.

  5. I don't know who Buzz is but I agree with him(?). A well delivered bon mots (perhaps even what you said about looking like you should be in a couple) and who knows what would've happened. Oh well. Hind sight and all that.

    It's funny that salespeople assume that guys can't/don't shop alone. But at least you can take comfort in the fact that all of the sales clerks think you're hetero. :-)

  6. I always get mistaken for a sales person while I'm shopping. All I hear is "ma''am, can you find this in a size 12?" I worked in retail for a number of years, so it is with great glee, I can either ignore them or somehow muster up a pleasant "I don't work here." Unless the "ma'am" is coming from some hot guy and then he needs to be slapped for calling me ma'am.

    You do deserve to be with someone. We all do. And we all will when the time is right. See, I have to keep telling others this so maybe one day I'll believe it myself.

    You don't have your Festivus evites out yet?!? You better get crackin!

  7. The sales people were proabably just surprised to see a man all alone in the mall shopping. And I agree, it's a sexiest thing!

    I've got to go tackle the mall today and I so dread it...
    Do you want me to make a list and you can go do it for me?

  8. Oooo, Hickory Farms! I love those beef logs, along with their mustard. They used to have this Hawaiian Pineapple sauce, but they stopped making it. It was delicious. Yum. Oops, started drooling.

  9. Coyote: I can usually come up with one good comment during a blog entry, but by the end it's buried under a pile of gaffes and bad puns.

    Groovy: I don't mind shopping alone, but I usually try to find some girl "friend" to go with me.

    Buzz & Xinh: Well in the first instance, the girl was a long distance away. In the second instance, the girl's husband/boyfriend/brother/gay friend wondered over about a minute later. Plus, I really wasn't in that mode.

    Carnealian: "See, I have to keep telling others this so maybe one day I'll believe it myself."

    Funny. A lot of times, I'll refer to girls as ma'am, even those I know are younger than me. It's more of a polite thing, I think. Or maybe just a southern thing.

    Sherry: Perhaps it is a sexist thing. Never really thought about it like that.

    MappyB: Yes, delicious. I actually bought the Hickory Farms stuff for myself :-) For some reason when I'm out Christmas shopping, I often see something I like and end up purchasing it for myself.

  10. I worked in a book/video/music store for 7 years (hastings books music and videos for those who know what the hell I'm talking about). I built up a rather large customer base who prefered to deal with me instead of others. On some instances, I had even had people latch on to me and have me take them around the store to make sure they found what they wanted.

    I haven't worked there in over a year. When I am in there, I still occasionally have people asking me to find things for them . . . including some of the staff who worked with me back then. I think its cuz I hid stuff when I got bored and they have never found it :D

    Sometimes, being evil is just more fun.

  11. Bone: "Hi, I'm Bone, I guess we're married or dating...let's go get some coffee, a soda, a ring....".

    Janean: "Sounds great, my place or yours?", "I Do!", "Guess so, here- hold my bags and go to the Dad Zone while I pick up your present at Victoria's Secret"

    Bone: "As You Wish"

  12. Men just shouldn't be allowed to shop alone. That's probably what it was. Men shopping alone get frightened and lost and they end up buying the most hideous object on the shelves just to get out of the store. You know those 'Do Not Leave Child Unattended' notices on shopping carts? There should be signs like that posted in malls. 'Do Not Leave Men Unattended While Shopping'. ;-)

  13. You know Lass has reminded me of yet another story. And why take up my precious blog space for that?!? I used to work in a department store similar to Dillards. I worked in the Lingerie department. So you know on Xmas eve minutes before the store closed men would be wandering aimlessly through the dept. to try and find something for their "other half". Of course if they needed help, my question for them would be, well, what size does she wear? "Oh, I don't know, she's about as tall as you." OK, but height really has no bearing on the size. Well, she's built like you too. Which again proves my point that men are not "one with the numbers." Days or weeks later the merchandise would be returned because she either weighed 300 lbs or weighed 100 pounds and was in all reality built nothing like me. And I'd occasionally get the guys that would ask me to model the lingerie for them. Very clever...didn't see that one coming.

  14. Coyote & Carney: Yes, anything that doesn't seem to fit on your blog, feel free to post here :-)

    I must say, Carney, I've used some of those same lines in stores before. And it could be worse. After all, "Would you model it for me?" is better than "Can I try it on?" :-)

    Sallwood: Um, I could have used that line. Actually, I just wasn't in pick-up mode.

    Lass: We purposely get bad gifts in hopes that you'll say, "Next year, just get me a gift card." ;-)

  15. Just going to comment on the writing. Yes Bone you managed to make the mundane sound interesting because you are a good story teller, and therefore....

    Haven't gotten my festivus evite yet