Sunday, December 04, 2005

Festivus At Bone's!

When the search words on your website stats begin to include things like "festivus the human fund card," "festivus feats of strength," and "festivus dinner," that can only mean one thing. That's right! You blog entirely too much about Seinfeld. Um, wait, no. That's not where I was going. That can only mean one thing... Festivus is not far away!

That's right fans of non-commercial, non-religious holidays. A Festivus for the rest of us is just around the corner. So get the aluminum pole out of the crawlspace, get those Human Fund cards ready to send out, and think of all the ways your family and friends have disappointed you over the past year. After all, that's what Festivus is all about.

And this year, for the first time ever, I will be officially celebrating Festivus. I am proud to present Bone's First Annual Festivus Party, Friday, December 23rd, 7:00 PM, at Bone's Bachelor Bordello, aka "the place to be." That's right. The wheels are in motion. I'm really gonna do it! And you're all invited! It's gonna be bigger than the Newmanium party! Although I think it's probably too late to book Christopher Cross. (OK, actually it probably isn't too late, but nonetheless.)

I am planning to hand out Airing of Grievance worksheets and Feats of Strength challenge cards at the door. I will begin the Festivus dinner by reading a short account of the origin of the holiday, including quotes from the father of Festivus, Frank Costanza. As of right now, I am planning on serving pizza for the Festivus dinner. I think that will suffice as a non-traditional holiday food. After dinner snacks will include Pez, Twix, and Junior Mints.

For entertainment, I will be showing "The Strike" episode of Seinfeld, which of course features Festivus. We might also be playing games, such as Scrabble ("quone"), Risk ("Ukraine is weak"), and Battleship (but you have to make the explosion sound when your ship gets sunk). Other possibilities include a rock-paper-scissors tournament. And if the weather isn't too cold, we might try to get up a game of frolf. (No, we're not gonna have a contest. Sorry. Maybe next year. I'll try to have a few Glamour magazines on hand.)

The celebration will end with a bang, as two lucky Festivites will participate in Feats of Strength. A friend was asking me the other day who will be taking part in the Feats of Strength this year. Well, that can't be determined until everyone fills out their challenge cards. But one thing is for sure, Festivus is not officially over until someone has been pinned!

I am planning on sending out my evites sometime this week. Email me if you need directions to my place. I am only really allotted two parking spaces, so if some of you could ride together, um yeah, that would be great. Please wear no clothing with Christmas colors in them. And there will be no singing of Christmas carols or other holiday songs. Unless Kyle gets drunk and starts singing the dreidel song again.

So whether you're a marine biologist or an architect, whether your a high-talker or a close-talker, whether you're fake handicap or just a phony, I encourage you all to join with Seinfeld fans from Del Boca Vista to The Hamptons in celebrating this great holiday this year. Would love to hear suggestions and ideas from those celebrating this year and those who have celebrated Festivus in the past.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go fill my freezer with my own blood...

"Swiss Colony beef log, baby, that's what Christmas is all about. Roly-poly Colony beef log, baby, makes a young boy scream and shout..."


  1. Junior Mints! I want Junior Mints!!

    I think it's only appropriate I sing the Dreidel song this year. ;) Can you make an extra long "airing of grievance sheet" for me please? And since it's not over till someone get's pinned, well...count me in!! I'll be waiting for my evite!

  2. What?!?!?! No Jujy-fruits?, no "Non-fat" frozen yogurt? No Cereal?Kenny Roger's Roaster Chicken with steamed broccoli? Big Salad? Marble Rye?Cinnamon Bobka(without hair)?Black and White Cookies? No Soup-Nazi Soup?

    Question: Do we need to convert to be in compliance with the true spirit of Festivus?Is there a confirmation process?

  3. How funny, I just printed out Happy Festivus signs for our office since everyone is so PC. We have all the bases covered now.

    I would make reservations for the party (two please, under Vandelay) if I wasn't going to be in Portugal!

    Have a great party!

    A Festivus, for the Rest of Us!

  4. I challenge Carney to the feats of strength. As for the Airing of Grievances, I got alot of problems with you people!!!

  5. I'd be all over that if I didn't live north. Not like above the mason-dixon line north, but alas, north.
    But if you're ever in the vicinity of Choctaw County (like Butler), I'll gladly stop by and visit. I have a house there. And no, I'm not kidding.

  6. Carnealian: I think you misunderstood the context of being pinned... or, maybe not.

    There'll be plenty of Junior Mints to go around.

    Lindsy: OK. Got it! Let's see... that's one confirmed guest.

    Sallwood: Haha. Always love your Seinfeld-laced 'ments. I actually thought about Jujy Fruits, but I don't think I've ever seen any. And it turns out the yogurt wasn't non-fat after all. I don't have a big salad, but I could offer you two small salads. And I can't risk the black and white cookies. Don't want anyone breaking their no-vomit streak in my new place ;-)

    Mappy: Vandelay! Love it! Be sure to pass out your Human Fund cards to everyone in the office before you leave on your trip.

    Coyote: We have our first challenge! Festivus is on!

    Heather: Yeah, even Nashville is up north for here :-)

    Choctaw County? Really? I've heard of it. Not sure if I've ever been thru there.

  7. Butler, AL, it's about 45mins away from Meridian, MS. 2 1/2 hours from Selma and a little over 3 hours to Montgomery. I've also been known to frequent Birmingham once in awhile.

  8. I'm so there! Can we have some kind of sign though in case I get stuck talking to someone about peanuts for hours on end?

    "Where the hell have you been? I've been smackin myself senseless over here!"

  9. Heather: I drove from Mobile to Marion one time, almost all non-interstate. Think that was east of Butler though.

    Lizzie: Yes, we need a sign. I got it! Chicken wing!

    Thanks, guys. The Seinfeld references are providing much needed laughter for my Monday at work.

  10. I'll actually be in the vicinity...this may just prove too tempting to pass up.
    However, it might be a bit confusing for me, as I like Seinfeld, but haven't devoted my life to the calling. Definitely not cult status.
    But I CAN dance like Elaine. And, I'm good at improv...

  11. Damn. The one year I'm not going to visit the folks for Christmas!

    Oh well, maybe next year!

  12. We could have a 'Progressive Festivus'. We change hosting locations/blogs every year.

  13. Tenacious: It's OK if you're not cult status yet. We will assimilate you ;-)

    Xinh: Hmm, if I can get a webcam hooked up downstairs, perhaps we could webcast Festivus live.

    Lass: Sounds like a plan. And we could carry the Festivus Pole around the country like the Olympic torch! Most of us are runners here anyway, aren't we?

    By the way, I'm gonna need someone to answer the phone and give directions to my place. Someone to make sure no one taps on Pablo's tank. Someone to be in charge of music, and really turn this mutha out. And someone to be in charge of coats :-)

  14. I'll be in charge of Pablo. I'll bring my stun gun for anyone that even attempts to tap on the glass!

  15. Could I be in charge of ice? Or distracting the guy who was in charge of music last year?

  16. Carnealian: OK. I might even try to find a little Festivus Pole to put in his tank.

    Sallwood: Don't you hate those Bone parties? He always puts you to work as soon as you get there :-)

  17. Don't think my comment took. Have a white puffy shirt and will answer the phone to give directions

    Totally great post Bone