Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Fun with wood and screws

Pseudo live-blogging the assembling of my new computer desk from Monday afternoon.

2:10 PM - I decide to try and put together my shiny new computer desk. (Some assembly required.)

2:27 PM - I have all the parts out of the box. That only took seventeen minutes. Not bad.

2:28 PM - There's little pieces of white styrofoam all over the floor. I'll have to vacuum when this is done. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I have many friends who vacuum. What the crap am I even talking about?

2:29 PM - Pondering whether or not to attempt the assembly without instruction manual. Aaah, who needs instructions! (Kidding.)

2:30 PM - Wow! That's a lot of screws!

2:31 PM - I just realized something. I don't own an electric screwdriver. This is gonna be great!

2:32 PM - If only I was on Home Improvement, I could just be like, "Could you bring me an electric screwdriver, Heidi?" Maybe I'll try it anyway.

2:33 PM - Didn't work.

2:50 PM - Page one of eleven in the instruction manual completed. That wasn't so bad. Manuel Labor lives on!

3:06 PM - Page 4. There seem to be more steps on each page now. Lots of screwing, tapping, brackets, and compression dowels. Can you smell the testosterone?

3:07 PM - I hope that's testosterone.

3:28 PM - Now it's beginning to look like something:

3:42 PM - Screw #38 of 86. Getting blisters on my right hand. Kinda reminds me of playing Nintendo until 3 AM when I was little and my right thumb would be blistered and eventually calloused from pressing the A & B buttons. RBI Baseball, baby!

3:43 PM - Too much manual screwing. Definitely need a battery-powered device.

3:56 PM - The Memphis/Akron football game is on TV. Akron is in a bowl game? I can think of no other single fact to better illustrate that there are way too many college bowl games than that.

3:59 PM - Lil Booty just called. Dinner at 6:30 at Cracker Barrell. Which means I have less than two hours if I want to finish this up before going to dinner.

4:10 PM - Wondering what I'll order. Perhaps the fried catfish filet. Or meatloaf maybe. And definitely getting hashbrown casserole as one of my sides. They have the best salads. Maybe I'll eat light and save room for blackberry cobbler for dessert. Mmmm, I'm hungry.

4:19 PM - I wonder what the AAT is on this. (Average Assembly Time.) I'm sure I'm blowing it out of the water. One way or the other.

4:29 PM - Instead of saying "Serenity Now," I like to sing "Puff the Magic Dragon" during times of extreme stress, such as repeatedly dropping screws, scratching paint off the wall of my home with cumbersome raw materials, etc. I find it very soothing.

4:36 PM - Remember Roller Derby? I used to like watching that when they would show it on ESPN. Like back in the 80's. The Thunderbirds. Wasn't that one of the teams?

4:45 PM - I've had like ten phone calls just since I started working!! Bone is gettin' upset!

4:49 PM - ARGH!!! The screws keep falling off my supposedly magnetic screwdriver!!

4:50 PM - Puff the magic dragon, lives by the sea...

4:57 PM - Hmm, this is interesting. I seem to have used the screws that I need right now about an hour ago. Oops! I'm sure it'll be fine.

5:06 PM - Last step on page 10: "Tighten all screws on complete unit to ensure stability." Pffffffttt!!! Whatever.

5:25 PM - Done! Just a handful of screws and one piece of wood leftover. Not bad. Who's your daddy!!! (Did I really just say that out loud?)

Whew, that was quite exhilarating. I suddenly feel the need for a cigarette, which is quite odd considering I've never smoked.

"Sit here on the stairs cos I'd rather be alone. If I can't have you right now, I'll wait dear..."


  1. Looks like you did a good job. I usually have to read the instructions to Abe, as we go along putting the item together. If it just happens that I'm not at home, he doesn't read the instructions, and usually has to remove something and do it again after reading the instructions.

    We had lunch at the Cracker Barrel yesterday, I got the chicken and dumplings,green beans, fried apples, and corn muffin.

    Have to sign off, getting so sleepy can't hardly keep my eyes open. Hope you have a great evening and a really Happy New Year.

  2. I got a desk in the mail five months ago with a hutch on top and bookshelf to be assembled all at the same time. NOBODY thought I could put it together. Especially myself. After three hours and only 1500 curse words...I was done. No extra wood or screws. Now when I move I doubt it would work to move with me...but still. I'm proud of ya!

  3. I used to love to buy furniture to put together myself. It's like a big jigsaw puzzle.

    Then I spent a week in vegas putting together furniture for two girls who were doing nada for me in return. I lost my taste for furniture then.

  4. Great job, Bone!

    2:50PM: I'm picturing a small Hispanic man named "Manuel Labor" helping you put together the desk. It's funny.

  5. Patty: Sleepy? What time is it there? What day is it? It's Wednesday here ;-)

    I don't like the way they do their chicken & dumplings anymore. They changed it a few years ago. Fried apples... mmmmm! I ended up getting fried pork chops, hashbrown casserole, and turnip greens.

    Audra: Yeah, my last desk didn't move so well. It kind of... broke apart. I think these types of things are fine for standing in one place. Moving them is iffy.

    Coyote: Umm, I'm not sure you're supposed to be telling us all this. What happens in Vegas...

    Southie: Haha. Actually, I had stated a few months ago that Manuel Labor would be my porn name. Sorta like the Hispanic equivalent to Buck Naked :-)

  6. Ah! I wish I'd had an electric screwdriver myself, when I was putting my 4 in 1 table together.. I really need to invest in one of those.


  7. It only stays in Vegas if something happens there.

  8. God, I love all this talk about manual screwing! Call me next time!

  9. Oh Bone, it looks beautiful. And it seriously would've taken me 5 hours to put something like that together because i buy all my shit from Ikea and I like to play "let's use the directions in swedish" with my little projects. Or I drink, either way, it takes forever.

  10. Good job on the desk. It looks very nice.

    And I'm sorry, but as a GnR fan, I have to ask about the lyric. Isn't it supposed to be "Sittin' here on the stairs..." not "Sit here..."?

  11. Feenix: Thanks for sharing. If I find a buy one, get one free deal, I'll let you know.

    Coyote: Good enough. That makes sense.

    Carnealian: Shouldn't you be typing this on Coyote's blog instead? ;-)

    Heather: Yes, I enjoy trying to find the English directions amidst the other languages. Manuel Labor really isn't fluent in Spanish. He can speak just enough to get himself into trouble.

    Xinh: Hmm, I've always thought it was "Sit here on the stairs"... I'll try and remember to listen to my CD tomorrow. It's in the car. Maybe someone else knows for sure.

  12. Great job! I love putting furniture/projects together, but I don't have the finesse you seem to have in documenting the process. If you move the desk, you can use the left over screws and wood piece in case you lose anything.

    PS: I'm having computer envy now that I see your computer! Hmmm...Ephiphany is fast approaching....I'm sure Dell will run some great sales for the holiday. :-)

  13. LOL! That was funny. Good job...on the desk not the post.

  14. Great job Bone! I love projects like this. I've put together a desk similar to this one. I don't know how long it took me. Looong time ago. My Ex couldn't do stuff like this though. Before we even lived together he bought a TV stand...he called me to put it together. Right before he left, he bought a new truck. Bought a bug guard...asked me to put it on his truck. Required that I remove parts of the truck to put on the bug guard, then put parts back on. He was a wuss...

  15. Oh I love it, I'm rolling around half laughin, half singing "puff the magic dragon" I am sooooo glad I found your blog (thru Liz!)
    So what & when are you building next???
    I adore the "please pass me the electric screwdriver Heidi"

  16. I come here . . anticipating a Thursday Thirteen . . and instead of being disappointed, I'm finding it hard to breathe.

    Another great post! Had I known you were so furniture inclined, I would have shanghied you to my house for help with my new acquisitions!

    PS - I can't believe you had the Festivus party without me. :( Sadness ensues. ha ha ha

  17. Cindy: Computer envy. Ha! You should see my old computer. Rough! And I probably could have finished 30 minutes to an hour earlier if I didn't keep walking over to the computer and typing everytime a thought popped into my head.

    Lindsy: Well, I'd much rather have screwed up the desk and had an enjoyable post.

    Lass: Wow, that's really sad. Sounds like you'd be handy to have around the house though.

    Aims: Ah, success! I was hoping I could get Puff stuck in someone's head. I get real funny looks when I start singing that in front of people. Thanks for stopping by. Not sure what my next project will be.

    Meghan: Hey! Welcome back!!! Feel free to shanghai me anytime ;-)

  18. Yea thanks for that!! I am forever getting songs stuck in my head - never had puff there before tho!!!

  19. it looks really nice!! sounds like you did a great job. but im kinda glad i didn't ask you to put together my table or cabinet :D

  20. You read the instructions? amateur. I never read the instructions. Of course, the drawers in the dresser I put together myself are upside down and the clothes all fall out as soon as I open them, but at least I still have my pride and didn't give in to reading the instructions.

    If I don't "see" you before then, have a great weekend and happy new year!!

  21. Hashbrown casserole? Heard of hash browns; have eaten them but never...

    I would have loved it had you made a video; you could have been like Tim on Home Improvement, and had a Wilson. I'm punchy! Will stop

  22. Never heard a guy complain about too much screwing. Ha

    I like the roast beef and I still have room for cobbler. Glad you finished. Looks good.

  23. I absolutely adored this post - ty so much for sharing it - now I think I have a better idea of what is going on inside my husband's head when he is putting this kind of thing together for me. No wonder he doesn't let me help or talk!!

  24. Aims: I was on the phone with someone tonight and they started singing that song because of my blog.

    Crys: Kinda glad you didn't ask me for help? Why?

    Lizzie: Amateur? I assure you Manuel Labor is no amateur ;-)

    Happy New Year, Lizzie.

    Pia: A video would have been good. Lots of editing might have been needed though. Bone was gettin' frustrated!!

    Liz: Yeah, it's rare I'm sure. Thanks.

    Debby: Glad I could provide some insight. I would share the thoughts in my head more often, but I'm sure it's already scary enough.

  25. Oh that is class!! Glad I wasn't the only one then!!!

  26. When my hubby completes his home improvement projects and assembly stuffs, he beats his chest , wipes his brow, and yells "Freedom!!!" like Braveheart. Oh- he loves his power tools too. He even has his "man" hammer, as opposed to the standard hammer I brought into the marriage. His is one of those gigantic carpenter's hammers with the rubber grips.

  27. Yeah, so I was just checking for an update.
    And my hung over brain saw the title of this one again:

    Fun with Wood and Screws . .
    And I immediately thought: wood = hard on. screws = random women. Bone started New Years early.

    And then I went, dur de dur . . you've already read this. It's about a desk. Get your head outta the gutter, goofy girl.

  28. i just read your letter to santa, among other posts, and decided to leave a comment because that's what you asked for. i have really enjoyed reading your blog, your insights. i'm just starting myself and so far, i think i stink at it, but after reading yours, i've been somewhat inspired. so there it is. i hope you get the rest of what you asked for.

  29. totally typed wrong address. told you i'm new..second attempt

  30. Aims: No, I have a knack for getting songs stuck in people's heads. They love me for it :-)

    Sallwood: Hmm, there might have been some chest-beating involved at my place. But then I said, "Who's your daddy!" Along with a Randy "Macho Man" Savage-like "Ooooo yeeeahh!"

    Meghan: Yes, but it's a sturdy desk ;-) Sorry I didn't have a new post up earlier for you. There's one up now.

    Alison: Thank you so much! Always nice to know who is reading.

  31. stopped by for a TT and got a LOL!

    I usually do all the some assembly required by myself but then DH says "did you do that right?" to annoy me, but I think it's really his way of saying that HE wanted to do it. Too bad... he shudda known when I did my own oil changes that I am a "take charge" kinda gal.

    Glad that you got it all figured looks good.