Tuesday, December 06, 2005

My Kingdom for a Throne?

I hope you all made it through the big blogspot outage last night OK. Early reports include only a few scattered suicides. Although quite a few computers were destroyed beyond repair. It served as a reminder to me to back up my stuff. Sitting there last night, without any blogs to surf, I was really feeling confused and disoriented, like a little boy waking up in the morning at Neverland. I tried to remember what I did before blogs. Ended up going to bed around 10:30, earlier than I have in months and months.

Someday I might be married. Someday I might have kids. But at 4:30 yesterday, I was standing at the ironing board, dressed in boxers, socks, and a long-sleeved black shirt that I'd worn to work. And those things seemed a million miles away. So I began to ponder, why is the ironing board tapered on one end? I never use the small end. Always the wide end. I mean, you can't slip a pant leg on there. I don't think. Someone later told me that it was for the shoulders of shirts or something. Really? It's hard for me to grasp that the entire ironing board design was altered just so that our shoulders wouldn't be wrinkled. Why not include a couple of extendable prongs on the wide end that we can slip a pair of pants on, and iron them more easily? I detest ironing. I find it tedious and painstaking.

Yesterday morning at work, there was water standing in the front office. I thought the roof might have leaked, as it is prone to do here in the compound. Turns out one of the toilets was leaking. Ugh. We have two bathrooms at work, so the secretary told me that the right one was leaking, so we could only use the one on the left. Then around 1:00 yesterday afternoon, she comes in and tells us that it turns out the line is stopped up outside, so we can no longer use either of the bathrooms for the rest of the day. As she told us, I was just finishing the Mountain Dew I'd had with lunch. As I screwed the top on it, I said, "Well I guess I'll save my bottle then." The ladies got a big laugh out of that. The restrooms are still out of order today!! Such is life here at Branch Davidian East.

Got into a conversation last night with a female about this topic:
Me: "Women can't pee into a bottle, can they?"
Her: "No."
Me: "So you have no control over it?"
Her: "No, it just goes everywhere. Have you never seen a woman pee?"
(Aha! Let's see you stand and not hit the seat.)
Me: "Only on the internet."
Her: "On the internet?"
Me: "I'm kidding."
Her: "That's why when we have to pee in a cup at the doctor's office, it always gets on our hand."
Me: "You can't just stick the bottle right up to where it comes out?"
Her: "I'm not really sure exactly where it comes out."
Me: "Really?"
Her: "Maybe if it was one of those wide-mouth Aquafina bottles. Hey, do you want to hear a really horrible story that I've never told anyone?"
(Now who's gonna say no to that? Nah, keep it to yourself!)

So, ladies, I must say that from what I know, I've come to the conclusion that when it comes to urinating, men definitely have the advantage. The only advantage I see to being a woman in this department is that all your stalls in public restrooms are divided. Well, as far as I know anyway. So give us our due. You may be the fairer sex. OK, let's face it, you are. By far. You're better at asking for directions. Better at matching socks and just matching outfits in general. Probably better at remembering dates and such. You look much better in lingerie (although this guy might not think so). And I'm sure the list could go on and on.

But today I must stake this claim. Men are number one, when it comes to... well, number one.

One day I shall look back upon this post with great pride, I am sure. Right now, I have to go. No, I really have to go...

"All I want to do is see you again. Is that too much to ask for? I just want to see your sweet smile, smiled the way it was before..."


  1. Boxers huh? ;) I use the ironing board "backwards". I iron on the wide end, not the narrow end. I think it saves time. I get mored ironed per turn.

    If they have one of these women could pee into a bottle. Of course, I've never had to worry about it before. But I've certainly never peed all over my hand, and I know exactly where it comes out from. Sounds like she needs some additional potty-training.

  2. If you ever refer to me as a female again it's over.


    as was later clarified, I know where it comes from... way to take a convo out of context, Male.

  3. have peed into many a cup. Never once got it on my hands.

    Much more important, you have me addicted to GH again, though I hate the new Carly--she's crass looking

    And gawd do they age characters--Lesley Lu was a dark haired (never understood that) little girl. Now she's Luke's true Spencer daughter. Hey if I have to watch this, you're going to hear about it.

  4. Cute post!
    I hate to iron!

  5. Geesh, what kind of conversations do you have with people Bone? I'm so glad that all my on line conversations are stimulating and intellectual.

    I had a roommate once and I swore her boyfriend used to go through my underwear drawers. I don't think he actually tried them on, but one never knows.

    And, I try not to iron as much as possible. I've been known to spray a piece of clothing with a water bottle and put it on. It's amazing how well that works.

  6. I have to agree with Pia. I've had to pee in a cup many times and have never gotten anything on my hand. I've never had to pee in a bottle but given that I know my anatomy "down there," I'm pretty sure I could manage to do it without too much trouble.

    I also have to agree with Pia regarding the new Carly. She looks haggard. And how the hell old is Emily supposed to be that she's a) been married and b) starting to get it on with Sonny? That's just ewwww.

    You iron. That's impressive. I have an ironing board in my kitchen. It's being used for storage at this moment.

  7. Lass: I'm afraid to click on your link. Very afraid.

    Anonymous: I didn't know female was such an undesirable term. What should I refer to you as from now on? Hottie? Extremely attractive goddess?

    And yes, I did leave out one small bit, just because I felt odd including the V-word and the term "golden showers" on my blog.

    Pia: There have been four Carly's, that I know of. The third one was the worst, IMO. I think the first one was the best. I loved it when Lesley Lu told Tracy a couple of weeks ago, "You're not a Spencer!"

    Lindsy: Thanks. You didn't care to add to the peeing-in-a-cup debate?

    Carnealian: Geesh? Did you get that from me or did you just make that up? That's my word!

    "I'm so glad that all my on line conversations are stimulating and intellectual."

    Let's not just say things we both know are obvious fabrications ;-)

    Xinh: I thought the third Carly was even rougher-looking. Maybe they'll soften this one up a bit. She is supposed to be mentally ill right now.

    I iron just what has to be ironed. Just whatever is wrinkled beyond recognition.

  8. "Such is life here at Branch Davidian East."

    I laughed out loud when I read that, who knows why, but it was funny.

  9. That's a great conversation. I have too managed to never miss the bottle/cup. Fascinating conversation.

    I only use the tapered end of the ironing board. I have never used the wide end. That's where my iron sits. I also hang sweaters on it to dry. Hm....
    Don't worry too much about it though. Once you get married, she'll just do all the ironing for you. Probably the cleaning and cooking too, if you train her correctly. That's really all we're good for.
    Oooo, I'm gonna get it for that one. Bring it on! I mean really, how can I be a feminist when I know all the lyrics to Snoop songs?

    Oh yes, and there is a good post about a friend of my sister's own office bathroom drama here:

  10. I'm glad to see I'm not the only one who went slightly insane during the blogout last night! I had no idea what to do with myself!

  11. Don't get too cocky(ha!) about your better end of the deal there, concerning #1. Having cleaned many a bathroom floor for men who claim to have bullseye sharp aim, let me tell you this...I have never once had to grab a mop after peeing.

    "It's just water splash" They say....well how come it forms a sticky yellow glue in minutes? It got so bad when I was toilet training my son, I almost made him sit until he could figure it out.

    I also use the tapered end of the ironing board (BH is a lawyer- so we use the heavy starch and everything). I noticed though, when I lived in Texas, all of my family there used the wide end of the ironing board. Must be a southern thing.(Not that there's anything wrong with that) :~D

  12. oh hey...yeah. I have also successfully ahem...you know, in a cup without getting it on me.

  13. Heather: Oh, you should see the place. I would take a pic and post it, but then I'd conveniently disappear.

    Mappy: Yeah, not sure how good of a feminizzle you'll be frontin' 'round singin' Snoop Diznogg. I think that if a girl can cook a few things, it definitely raises her stock.

    I read the post you linked to. Blech! Our front office smells horrible, too. Fortunately, I only have to pass thru it.

    Lizzie: I really did not know what to do. So I gave up and went to bed early.

    Sallwood: Our aim may not be the greatest. (Sometimes the nozzle is on spray instead of stream, btw.) And we definitely don't want to hurt our backs by leaning down to put the seat up/down. But we will not sit and pee! It's one of the last remaining characteristics that distinguish us as men... however sad that may be ;-)

    Yeah, the wide end. There's just more surface area.

  14. This has nothing to do with peeing in a cup or ironing b/c I've already left a comment about that, but I tried to listen to the Kyle/Bone show and I couldn't hear it.
    Why I didn't just tell you that in an email...I have no idea.

  15. Good morning,
    Just a quick note, no it's not about peeing in a cup or anywhere else for that matter.

    Just to let you know, it's freezing in Ohio, right now at 10:30am it's a hot 19 degrees. Now that would be cause for anyone to have to pee. In a cup or elsewhere.

    Hope you have a good day. Have you found a new convenience store yet? Or perhaps a coffee/doughnut store? Or did you just decide to see what the young girl had to offer? Just joking!

  16. I had no choice but to learn certain household skills. My mom was a Home Ec teacher for 25 years, so I know how to sew, iron, cook, and clean. I just don't do them very often. I usually teach in jeans and either a t-shirt or sweater, so ironing doesn't really become an issue for me.

    As for the peeing, that woman must have been one of those people who is afraid of their own hoo-haa and can only undress if everyone else is out of the house and all the doors are locked.

    Also, I never claimed pinpoint accuracy. That is why, when I get rich and famous, I am going to instal a urinal in my bathroom. They are easier to hit, and don't have a lid to forget to put down.

  17. I can honestly say that I have successfully peed in a test tube without getting any on me...
    If you're really that curious about that story I might tell LOL

    Bone-man looks like you're winning so far in the "who's blog entry is funnier" keep up the good work :)

  18. Lindsy: Not sure what's up with that. I'll try to put all the links back up here eventually.

    Patty: No. I bravely went back into the same store the very next morning. She actually remembered that I got a free candy bar.

    Coyote: A urinal at home! That is so much better than your oil tanker bladder system idea.

    Rae: Haha. I have some faithful readers. Thanks for mentioning and linking to me.

    I'm not even sure I could pee in a test tube. Fairly certain that I couldn't actually.

  19. Yes, the bladder tanker system only works until you push it out of the window. But be sure to video the results for Kramerica Industries.

  20. LMAO...funny! I seem to remember a device created several years ago that would allow women to stand while peeing, thus avoiding all butt germs on public toilets. It was like a funnel -- and obviously never quite caught on.