(Note: The following post contains mostly-paraphrased excerpts from Jerry Seinfeld's stand-up routine on March 12, 2005, in Birmingham, Alabama. If you don't want to know what happens, please leave the room and come back in four hours. Thank you. - Editor)
I saw Jerry Seinfeld perform last night in Birmingham. It was my second time to see Jerry live. The first was in Nashville in 2002. I would say this show was a little better, mainly for two reasons. (1) The opening act last night did not perform nearly as long as the opening act in Nashville. (2) The temperature inside the TPAC three years ago was about 185 degrees. Last night was much more comfortable. Anyway, I went with a friend of mine, as I just found out last week that she liked the show. Picked her up about 3:45. We stopped to eat at a Cracker Barrell around 5, and arrived in Bham about 6:15. The show began at 7. Turns out Jerry had added a second show last night at 9:30 due to the demand, I guess.
The show got off to a very interesting start. Shortly after Jerry's opening joke, ("Welcome to the BJCC, whatever that means, I don't really know. Birmingham Jewish Community Center, I guess. That's what it seems like tonight, anyway.") some lady started yelling from the left side of the front of the stage. At first, I thought it was part of the show, then about 3 or 4 security people led her away. She was apparently claiming that Jerry had stolen his material from her and that he owed her millions of dollars. It seemed to throw him off ever so slightly, but he recovered well, saying, "This is a lady who comes to our shows anytime we're in this area and she claims that she has written all of my material. She's a really nice lady but she's (whispering)out of her mind."
So that was kinda weird. I'd say I had probably heard about 25-30% of the material before, maybe a little more. Most of what I'd already heard was from his recent appearances on Letterman or the Tonight Show, but it seemed like a lot of the audience had never heard any of it before. Hee's still doing the are-they-stealing-the-old-people bit and the babies-are-here-to-replace-us bit. I can't believe he's still doing that. He did the Jihad E. Coyote joke, which is still hilarious. He had some good bits on being married and having kids, some pretty funny stuff, but I can't remember any of it well enough to recite. I think my favorite part was when he started talking about weather and weather forecasters. He was bashing them pretty good.
Other highlights that I can remember (keeping in mind that I have the memory of a crack-smoking goldfish):
On Raisin Bran...
Everytime I'm in the grocery store, I see "more scoops" on the box of Raisin Bran. Pretty soon its just gonna be "All raisins and only one flake!" 99% of all Raisin Bran consumed is eaten by people who have stayed over at someone else's house and when they wake up in the morning, that's all there is.
There are no important phone calls. That's why after every phone conversation you have, someone will ask who was that and you'll say "nobody." They'll say what'd they want, you'll say "nothing."
Years ago, when the phone rang, someone would say, "I'll get it." When's the last time you heard that? "I'll get it!" Now when the phone rings, you say, "Nobody move!!! Who could that be? It better not be who I think it is!" Aren't we all getting just a little too paranoid.
Why are people still saying "Wait for the beep" on their phone machines. It's the 21st century, we're all aware of the beep. And is it really necessary to say "Leave your name and number?" Is anybody getting messages like "It's a woman. Goodbye!" or "He's dead. Call me back."
On cell phones...
Anytime a phone rings, we're like, "Is that my phone? Is that your phone? What was that ring? Is that 'Funkytown'? I think that's mine. I've got to make a move that's right for me."
If we can't seem to find the terrorists, how do we get hold of these tapes of the terrorists training? Maybe we should follow the guy who delivers the film canister.
They always show the terrorists training on monkey bars. This seems to be an important part of their training. What major, decisive battle has ever been fought on a children's playground?
I like how we dropped bombs, then we dropped food. That seems like an American thing to do. We're gonna bomb you, but it's not gonna be all bombs. There's gonna be some food, too. We're gonna mix it up. You'll have to figure out which is which on your own.
We all try to fill up the empty spaces in our lives with little events and activities, so we can tell ourselves that our lives don't suck. Well, let me let you in on a little secret. Everyone's life sucks. Your life sucks. My life sucks. Of course... my life probably doesn't suck quite as much as yours.
A lot of people say, life's too short. I say, no it's not. It's actually too long. Have you ever been at the mall and you see someone in the arcade doing this dance revolution thing? That right there is proof that life is too long, that those people have nothing better to do than that.
On weather and weathermen...
And what's with the five-day forecast? That's something else they try to pull over on us. There is no five-day forecast. If the five-day forecast was real, we'd only have to have weather every five days.
Ever hear someone say, "Can you believe this weather?" Yes, I can. "Do you think this weather will last?" No, I don't. This is Earth, where have you been? These are the same people who are always saying, "I can't believe what time it is." Why don't they just go outside and watch the bank sign. Then they can stand there all day going, "Can you believe this weather? I can't believe what time it is."
OK, I probably butchered those up pretty good. Anyway, it was a great show, as expected. Hope you enjoyed my little recap.
"It's almost like being free. And I know soon you will be, over the lies. You'll be strong. You'll be rich in love and you will carry on, but no, oh no, no you won't be mine..."