Thursday, February 22, 2007

Fighting myself

The silent stillness of the night is broken by the piercing sound of the telephone. I know who it is, but check the caller ID anyway. Then I put the pillow over my head to lessen the noise until the machine picks up. I wonder how many times she'll call.

This is it. This is how I get out.

There are always a few little differences. But they're mostly the same. She'll call a few times. I won't answer. Then finally, I will.

I won't say much. Just something about how I don't think this is working out. I can always come up with reasons why. She was just saying the other night how I give her mixed signals and how I'm never there when she needs someone to talk to.

I listen. Or pretend to, anyway. To her incessant ramblings about nothing, night after night. And now she wants to nag and complain about our relationship? Well, fine. Let her see how she likes arguing with herself.

Maybe she'll cry. Maybe she won't. I'll probably wonder if I'm making a mistake. But I'd rather wonder if I left too early than regret hanging on too long.

The phone rings again. But for some reason, this time I answer. I tell her I love her and that I'm sorry.

It's a small step. And a constant battle.

I haven't always been this way. But someone hurt me a long time ago.

"The end is coming. She don't even feel it. It's a strange sensation. I'm almost happy..."

37 comments:

  1. mmm, this resonates too well with my psuedo-relationship/sex partner from college. While I knew he wasn't the one, and he definitely strung me along... I still will reply to text messages and emails of his that are sexual in nature. All the while reminding him of his current girlfriend.

    The things some people do to tortue themselves.

    *hugs*

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  2. But I'd rather wonder if I left too early than regret hanging on too long.

    That's an interesting way to look at things. But does it help or hurt you in the long run?

    I tell her I love her and that I'm sorry.

    It's a small step. And a constant battle.

    I haven't always been this way. But someone hurt me a long time ago.


    I don't think that I've ever read anything by anyone that's as brutally honest as that is, Bone.

    You pretty much lay all your flaws on the line for everyone to see in a way that we can all appreciate AND relate to.

    It sounds like in the end you hurt as much if not more than she did.

    ***HUGS***

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  3. I loved this post.
    You've come a really long way, pal.

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  4. Is this fiction? Or history?

    I can't relate to these feelings...I'm the girl on the other end of the phone wondering what is going on. See we can't read your mind and if you don't talk to us, we're always in limbo wondering...worrying.

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  5. I'm gonna tell you...it's better to be that way now than to get stuck in a relationship you can't get out of. I speak from experience. People get hurt, and some foolishly rush into bad relationships, and others hold everyone at arms' length forever. I envy people who have found their "soul mates" and are living happily ever after...I would love to have that...too much to ask?

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  6. DCChick: So are you torturing yourself? Or is he torturing himself? Or both? :)

    Thanks for the hugs.

    TC: It sounds like in the end you hurt as much if not more than she did.

    Very intuitive. Your whole comment is, really. It's a hard thing to put my flaws out there.

    HB: Thank you. Welcome back to the blogosphere.

    Renee: Fiction? No. It's more of a recounting of a familiar scene. History? Hopefully.

    Jennifer: Thanks for the comment. You raise an excellent point. Maybe I did it because I wasn't really in love in the first place, and deep down, I knew it. But there has to be a balance, else you end up holding everyone at arm's length forever.

    And I guess I just assumed you did have that.

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  7. Dr. Tag here...lay back on the leather couch...answer these questions as fast as you can...dont heasitate just answer as simply as you can.(I don't want to know these)

    How long have you been dating?

    Where was your fist date?

    What did you do for V-day?

    When your together, how do you most spend your time?

    When your together, how do you feel about her?

    When your alone, how do you feel about her?

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  8. Touching. I can't really tell which direction your going. Are you hanging on or really trying to make it work? Is this a breakthrough or another sidestep?

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  9. Resonates with me. As TC said, it's brutally honest.

    Think if most people really look inside their self, they will see that they have done this in some or all relationships

    The manner isn't the same, the consious knowledge isn't necessary. The intent is.

    Can I say how proud I am of you? Me being your mentor and all

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  10. Josh Radin's song 'Closer' is so similar to what you wrote.

    i wish it were over
    we seem to never end
    only get closer
    to the point where I can take no more


    The thing I've learned in situations like that is that you can't be friends. You just have to ignore. Because every time you pick up the phone, you're giving her a little bit of hope.

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  11. Beautiful. I always hang on too long, and then I wonder if things would be different if I let go earlier.

    Vicious vicious cycles.

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  12. I felt the pain as I read...I've been the caller and the callee....and it sucks all the way around...thanks for taking us on your journey.

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  13. Dr. Tag: I'm not even sure we are dating. Um, I'm not sure where it started, but I think we wound up in bed.

    Wait. You are talking about my iPod, right?

    Lass: Thank you. I know it's not clear as to whether it was present or past. But I'm just gonna leave it for what it is. A blog entry. A piece of me, based on experience, and hopefully not terribly written.

    I'm enjoying the comments and seeing how parts of it resonate and relate to others.

    Anonymous AC: Not sure, but I guess it's too late now :)

    Pia: I will agree with you and TC. It is brutally honest.

    Yes, you are allowed to say that. But no more than once a week :) Wouldn't want to upset my self-deprecation or anything.

    Eileen: Or maybe it's giving me some hope? Thanks for the lyric.

    Brookelina: Thanks. I always thought if I hung on too long, there would be nothing to wonder about. I only wondered if I let go too soon.

    Esmerelda: Something else I can definitely agree with. It does suck all the way around.

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  14. i never know when to let go.

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  15. You are so sweet *hugs*

    I hate it when someone gets hurt.

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  16. *sigh*

    I just lost my entire comment (gotta love the new blogger), so here we go again.

    It's a hard thing to put my flaws out there.

    For all of us, Bone.

    In the end though, we can only trust that people are going to love and respect us not just in spite of our flaws, but sometimes, in those lucky instances, because of them.

    It took a lot out of you to post this, I'm sure, as I can't imagine writing something like this for everyone else to read: so as someone who read it (a um, 'few' times), thank you FOR laying yourself on the line.

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  17. But I'd rather wonder if I left too early than regret hanging on too long.

    If you have to say that, then it's probably already been too long..

    All I can say is never settle for someone wearing you down..

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  18. Very poetic post. Sounds like your heart knew what to say when you picked up the phone.

    This post makes me happy I'm married and not playing the heartstrings quartet anymore.

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  19. Hmm,if I was able to kiss,cuddle and suggle(you sound so cuddley sometimes) with you on a cozy couch(for fun),would I be able to stop? Just something silly that poped in my mind.

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  20. "I haven't always been this way. But someone hurt me a long time ago."

    Those past hurts have a way of crashing into every following relationship, at least until you accept, heal and put them firmly in your past. Lessons learned the hard way.

    Great post.

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  21. This is why I don't date anymore.

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  22. Ha...did it work...you laughed didn't you? serious note...(I dont do well or often) Ive done the same thing...and it doesnt end well...you keep thinking it will get better but it just gets worse. Two different planets that collided for a short time.

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  23. I'm sorry J-Dizzle :-( I hope you're ok!

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  24. Sizzle: It's a hard thing to know.

    Kerry: Well, I'm not sure about that :) Thanks. *hugs*

    Blondie: No frowns :)

    TC: Thanks, TC. As hard as it was, once I started getting feedback and other people started relating, it became a really good thing.

    Burg: If you have to say that, then it's probably already been too long..

    All I can say is never settle for someone wearing you down..


    Excellent points, both of them.

    Balou: Thanks. I'm sure reading something like this would do that :)

    Girl FPS: Ummm... OK. I'm not sure how to respond to that.

    T-shirt: Those past hurts have a way of crashing into every following relationship...

    Indeed. Well said.

    PS: Thanks for visiting :)

    HotPink: I can't argue with that logic.

    ATag: Yes, I laughed. Well done :)

    Arlene: Thanks, Brizzle. I'm fine :)

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  25. Is that a happy 'Ummm ok.' ,or a buged 'Ummm ok ' (I don't want to bug you)?.

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  26. I heard this song on the radio today and then I came to your blog and read this entry.

    Weird.

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  27. Oh, man, I feel sorry for you. And like Balou, I'm glad this angst is behind me. Peace be with you.

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  28. As hard as it was, once I started getting feedback and other people started relating, it became a really good thing.

    Good. I'm glad to hear that. Every once in awhile, we need to know that we aren't the only ones I think. ;)

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  29. this makes me feel like crying. is telling her that you love her and that you're sorry a good step - or a bad one?

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  30. I've been here.
    I've done this.
    I'm certaily not proud of it and I hope I never do it, again.

    Your words show a pain that we've all probably felt and questions we couldn't answer.

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  31. Don't hurt the girl anymore. Be totally honest with her and move forward.

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  32. Is this ushering in a new era of Bone?

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  33. It seems I was the one always running. My hubby caught me... I did the same as you. Ran a while, then would let him catch me, ran a while, and then let him catch me. I realized after awhile that I had to let my guard down if I were to ever be happy. It was one of the greatest things I ever did.

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  34. I think there's nothing worse than that gray feeling you described so eloquently...wondering if you really want to continue, wanting to just say "Enough", and then submitting all over again despite yourself.

    I saw a lot of myself in your actions. Unlike you, though, I wouldn't have picked up the phone. I think that makes you a better person than me.

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  35. GirlFPS: You're not bugging. Thanks for the comments :)

    Xinh: I haven't heard it, but interesting lyrics.

    Actonbell: Thank you much. Peace is good :)

    TC: Yeah. I didn't really expect this much response on this particular post.

    Alison: I think in my case, it would be a good step. But it depends on the situation and the reasons why, I suppose.

    Avery Laine: Thank you. Ah, those pesky questions we can't seem to answer :-/

    EofO: Thanks for the comment :)

    Pia: Perhaps...

    Shayna: Well, I started out giving all and being wide open everytime. Then after being burned, started to protect myself. Now I'm trying to get back to the other place. Or at least some place between.

    Marina: I wouldn't say that. More times than not, I haven't picked up the phone. Glad you could relate though.

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