Thursday, February 15, 2007

Nuvaring is not for everyone

To whom it may concern:

My name is Bone. I am a single, straight male who looks forward to coming home after a long day at work and settling in to watch my favorite soap, General Hospital. There are two Soap Digests on my bedroom floor at this very moment. I enjoy keeping up with the adventures and misadventures going on in Port Charles.

However, what I do not enjoy is being mercilessly inundated each and every commercial break with ads for birth control, tampons, feminine hygiene products, and Playskool toys. And if it's not that, it's an ad for problems of old age featuring Wilfred Brimley. Yes, I liked him in Our House, but that's beside the point.

The other day while watching, one particular break began with the line, "How do you say so long to a period that's too long?" I. Don't. Know. And I'd rather not think about it. Then I had to watch a 60-second dialogue about Valtrex, and how one partner had herpes and the other partner didn't want to catch it. (How about not sleeping with her, genius?) That break ended with a What About Brian promo, because we know how many men watch that.

Based on your ads, one would think your viewers were all either women who have lots of (sometimes unprotected) sex and weird cycles, young mothers, or old retired men who may or may not have problems urinating.

And that may be. But I find it hard to believe that Stephen A. Smith and I are the only two young, virile males out there who care what happens to Sonny, Carly, Jason, Elizabeth, Nikolas, Emily, Lulu, Lucky, and Luke. Besides, if, God forbid, I ever do have "weak stream", I won't need some commercial to inspire me to action. I'll run screaming to the doctor's office. Believe me!

How about tossing in a Sears commercial once in awhile? Maybe a Men's Wearhouse ad. Or at least a movie preview. And while we're on the subject, whatever happened to the Doublemint twins? They were cute.

All I'm saying is you could be missing out on a whole segment of your audience. After all, as one of your frequent ads says, "Nuvaring is not for everyone."


PS: Any chance Sam might be leaving the show anytime soon? Also, if you could get Jason and Liz together soon, and give Luke a bigger part, and bring Jonathan Jackson back as Lucky, that'd be great. Thanks.

"She says she's leaving on a Sunday. I don't care. I need to know where to turn. I tried it once. It never caught on. I was the only one who got burned..."


  1. thank you bone. i was in such a bad mood and then i came and read this post and laughed.

    i feel much better now.

    you're a gem.

    a gem who watches a soap opera but a gem all the same.

    (whatever happened to the doublemint twins? really- i want to know. and while we're looking, can we find the "where's the beef?" lady?)

  2. Oh Bone...I was having a crappy afternoon and this made me smile. Thanks!

    PS- Your Doublemint Twins, they posed for Playboy. Seriously, I Googled them!

  3. You're hilarious!! I think if you watch soaps, ya get what you get! You could always use TiVO :-)

  4. Priceless, Bone, priceless. Especially you being subjected to menstruation problems and Valtrex. Ahahahaha! I hate watching the news as it seems like they are all commercials geared to old people. I guess they figure only geezers watch the news anymore. I happen to like the news from the internet, newspaper, and TV! And there is some 're-fi' loan commercial that airs no matter what program I happen to be watching...

  5. This one had me belly laughing and almost choking. Thanks Bone

    You can easily rid yourself of the commercial dilemma. Saw a DVR recorder on sale at J&R--they have a catalogue--for $99.

    That's right for under a hundred dollars you will never have to ponder the mysteries of long streams and long cycles again--until you become old or involved with a girl who has one, I should amend

    And you forgot. If they're going to bring back JJ who else do they have to bring back?

    Amber Tamblyn, the one and only Emily

    Oh, where is Bobbie? I think that she was in my dream last night

  6. When I stop crying from laughing I'll be back to address certain parts of this post...

  7. Sizzle: a gem who watches a soap opera but a gem all the same.

    LOL Thanks, Sizzle. Glad I could provide a laugh for you today.

    Sad to say, but I believe Clara Peller (the Where's The Beef lady) passed away. Beter question: Why do I know her name off the top of my head?

    Lindsy: Why, you're very welcome, blogger friend. The crappy afternoon thing must be going around.

    PS: They did??? How do I miss these things? :)

    Arlene: Thanks. And I suppose you're right. Just another reason to get a DVR or TiVo.

    Circe: Thanks, Mz. Circe :) Yeah, most of my news comes from the internet. I hardly ever manage to watch the evening news.

    Pia: It's weak streams, not long streams. lol Although we did used to see how far back from the urinal one could stand in middle school.

    And yes, I thought of Amber Tamblyn as I was typing JJ's name. You have me trained.

    Bobbie has been on there occasionally lately, during the hostage at the Metro Court.

    TC: Take your time ;-)

  8. I too am personally tired of all the pharmaceutical commercials. I most certainly do not go to lunch with all my girlfriends and sit around and talk about birth control methods, antidepressants, allergy medicines, and their litany of side-effects. In fact, if one of my friends could recite the side-effects of Zoloft, I'd tell her to seek new psychiatric counseling. Who watches these ads and is convinced that this medicine is right for them!

  9. I hope they send you a form letter back in response.


  10. He heh he,you funny guy you, and I like movie previwes too(I think I'm a movieholic)and Sears commercial are ok(as long as I don't buy any more tools that I only use once or tools I already have,but misplaced[I have done that before]). {CA time is 3:22pm)

  11. nope I dont buy that you are a single STRAIGHT male... hehehe you watch so much female Tv it kills me! lmao jk

    You make me smile so thanks!

  12. wow, and i thought my day sucked

    i think i am GLAD i work a real job that keeps me away from afternoon tv

    thanks sweetie ~ this just brought my day into perspective *potc*

  13. Take your time

    That a hint you don't want me commenting? ;)

  14. Sign that from me too please. Ok, so I'm a single straight woman. And while I don't have any Soap Opera Digests on my floor (in fact.. I have a copy of Men's Health...maybe you and I should switch bodies?) - I do find commercials for tampons and feminine hygiene products to be just as icky as you. I do not want to know about women's cycles, their various female issues, or about their daily herpes contact.

    P.S. Tell Sonny that regarding his acting: less is more. Regarding Jason and Elizabeth: yes please.

  15. it's just not right that you know the beef lady's name off the top of your head.

    i'm concerned. first the soap opera and now this?

    ;) jk

  16. I don't think that you're exactally the type of person who normally watches the soaps, Bone. Or the advertisers really don't care. I wanna know what time they expect me to put my child to bed (we won't go into the fact that she stays up way too late) but with the shows and ads that come on after they take the kids shows off at 5pm for the news, it seems as if she should not be viewing any longer.

    BTW: I caved.

  17. Lass: Good point, Lass. The side effects are quite entertaining. Something like, "May cause free bleeding, loss of appetite, or difficulty urinating." Umm, no thanks :)

    Eileen: I'm sure they will. Although backstage passes to meet the cast would be much better :)

    Girl FPS: Thanks. Glad you found it funny.

    Kate: So I have one tiny daytime television indulgence. Glad I made you smile :)

    Question girl: Hey, I have a real job! You just have to prioritize :) And there's always the reruns on SoapNet.


    TC: Nope. Just wanted you to have adequate laughing time :)

    Brookelina: Ooo, so you're a GH fan, too! My favorite is still Luke.

    Sizzle: I know. I'm sure there's plenty of cause for concern. I can't believe I knew her name. And even had the spelling right when I googled her. Yikes :)

    Renee: Good point. There are definitely commercials on now that I would have been embarrassed to watch with my parents.

    Oh, welcome to new blogger, where we enter our word verification up to four times per blog :)

  18. Thanks for making me laugh--for everytime I life I begin to cough again.... Good job, and seriously, thanks for reminding me why I don't have an interest in soap operas, just in case I decided to try them out!

  19. She says she's leaving on a Sunday.

    I'm going to hurt you.

  20. And Renee: Noooooooooooooooooooooo! :-( I'm so sad! I was so proud of you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


  21. So, for the third comment in a row, I'm going to try and stop laughing long enough to type this.

    Based on your ads, one would think your viewers were all either women who have lots of (sometimes unprotected) sex and weird cycles, young mothers, or old retired men who may or may not have problems urinating.

    You want the fun stuff or the reality?

    Your beloved GH is not to blame. They don't buy the ads... the ads buy them.

    Looking at the major viewers (I'm sorry: fantastic as you are, you're ONLY one, single, virile man - you do not constitute a majority or even major viewing audience), advertisers have specifically targeted this program.

    And btw? About those old men who have issues urinating? Those ads are really on there for their wives who got hooked on the show 30 years ago who have to clean up the dribble and want their men to be able to make it to the toilet like they used to. Just an fyi. ;)

  22. I don't like Sam.. I haaaate how she says "family" for some reason. She's too whiny.. Besides, I want Jason and Liz together too. Not to mention that this Lucky is pasty and sweaty. He seems more like a stalker than a Spencer.

    You're right about the commercials.. Even I get sick of all the fem-personal ads. And you aren't the only man to watch. Although I don't think he'd ever admit it, my husband likes GH. I think he has a man crush on Sonny.

    Am I the only one who'd like to hit Skye??

  23. I can't believe you have no desire to know about periods, tampons, and Playskool toys. Really, Bone: You need to extend your horizons.

    And Wilfred Brimley: That man is genius! How many people can claim syndication, oatmeal, and diabetes all in one breath? Is there anything Wilfred Brimley can't do?

    And since you asked, the way to say so long to a period that's too long is: Tan de largo, el adiós, y no se vuelve por veintiocho días!

  24. totally not with the whole thing this morn...but what is the quote on the sure that if i could get my miller light fogged brain to work this morning i would figure it out but...yeah...

  25. Bone, I think you watch entirely to much TV. That being said, that was freaking hilarious.

  26. Sage: Thanks. I should maybe add a "May cause coughing, wheezing, birth defects" warning to my blog?

    TC: I'm going to hurt you. LOL You're welcome.

    I'm sorry: fantastic as you are, you're ONLY one, single, virile man...

    If I ever rename my blog, I'm going to call it "One Single Virile Man." :)

    Burg: I don't like Sam, either! Did you watch when Jonathan Jackson played Lucky? He was great. I think I kind of have a man crush on Jason.

    Zeus: Thanks. So in these comments we've learned what happened to Clara Peller and the Doublemint Twins, and how to say so long to a period that's too long. This is educational stuff!

    TagAlong: It's a song. Ask your Wisconsin friend :)

    Lux: I think that is something we can all agree on ;)

  27. I havent seen the Doublemint twins in ages. I'm sure they are nursing home age by now....

    I hate those commercials too. Especially while watching tv with your dad or kiddos and you have to endure, what seems like hours,commercials about things you'd rather not hear about. Why must they advertise those things anyway? ugh.

  28. You do have a man crush on JJ. It's cute

    Watching soapas late at night got me through grad school. Probably going to do a post on my TV watching habits during years I did nothing but work, go to school, and have family problems

    It was my escape time and I will never be apologetic

    Now I have a DVR and can whip through any program at any hour

    Sometimes the more pressured your work life is, the more you need TV to escape

    It's healthier than drinking or drugging, not as healthy as a great sexual relationship, but that entails having time to find one

    Just my opinion

  29. You forget, Bone, I don't speak Alabaman: I speak Wisconsineez. Therefore, there was no "thank you" anywhere in my comment.

    If I ever rename my blog, I'm going to call it "One Single Virile Man." :)

    We'll hope it's still true at that time. ;)

    TagAlong: It's a song. Ask your Wisconsin friend :)

    You're REALLY asking for it...

  30. those commercials weird me out too, and I'm their target audience.

    I hope Jason and Liz get together, too. And where'd my sexy Jax go? Though I don't want him marrying Carly.

  31. Jonathon Jackson was great! He was by far the best. I didn't think Jacob Young was all that bad, but maybe just a tad wooden in his performance. I quit watching for a while not too long after he took over the role. I was really irritated by Luke and Felicia's affair among other things. I've only been interested again for around a year or so now.

  32. Kerry: I'm sure they are nursing home age by now...

    I'm sure they're not! ;-)

    Pia: Good point about TV being an escape. That's definitely how I view Seinfeld. Relaxes the mind for a bit. And that can't be a bad thing.

    TC: I'll be sure to credit you if and when I rename it.

    Asking for it? I don't know what you're talking about. Hang on, let me get a coke and I'll be right back to think about it some more O:)

    Carmen: I had no idea this many of you watched GH!!! According to Soap Digest, Jax returns the last week of February ;)

    Burg: I pretty much agree with everything you said. I'll go thru phases where I don't watch for awhile, too.

  33. I laughed out loud just now as I read your comment on my blog about Ms. Pheiffer.

    Now, to GH - - YES, give Luke a bigger spotlight. Love him. LOVE HIM.

  34. And by coke, Bone the Angelic, you meant... Sun Drop?

    And I wasn't worried about the credit for the name (but thank you, that was very nice of you ;)), I was worried about you not needing some of those products they advertise for. ;)

    You did just turn 34 you know...

  35. ok... off topic but how did you come by the name of Bone (ohhh that was kinda on topic... =]]) and where did you get little nibbler,... it makes me giggle every time I see it on my statmeter! lolol

  36. I have a brain that only remembers the totally pointless and obscure. Bone your right the "Where's the beef?" lady was Clara Peller, and she died on August 11, 1987. As for all the adds all can say is they scare me! Why would I want to take some pill for incontinence, bloating, cramping, etc when in the very same commercial I get a warning about the side effects. When I hear side effects were mild but may include my unease starts.

    The following is the side effects of just one drug currently on the market.

    Decreased sexual desire or ability; failure to discharge semen (in men);Aggressive reaction; breast tenderness or enlargement;

    Want to bet some woman out there is willing to take this to increase her breast size.

    fast, pounding, irregular, or slow heartbeat; fast talking and excited feelings or actions that are out of control; fever; inability to sit still; increase in body movements; loss of bladder control; low blood sodium (confusion, convulsions [seizures], drowsiness, dryness of mouth, increased thirst, lack of energy); muscle spasm or jerking of all extremities; nose bleeds; red or purple spots on skin; restlessness; serotonin syndrome (diarrhea, fever, increased sweating, mood or behavior changes, overactive reflexes, racing heartbeat, restlessness, shivering or shaking); skin rash, hives, or itching; sudden loss of consciousness;

    So I can black out and drive my car off a bridge because my stream was weak?

    unusual or sudden body or facial movements or postures; unusual secretion of milk (in females)Abdominal or stomach pain; bleeding gums; blindness; blistering, peeling, loosening of skin; bloating; bloody, black, tarry stools; blood in urine; blue-yellow color blindness; blurred vision; chest pain or discomfort; chills; clay-colored stools; coma;

    Coma???? Nuff said!

    cough or hoarseness; darkened urine; decreased urine output; decreased vision; depressed mood; difficulty in breathing; difficulty in speaking; difficulty swallowing; drooling; dry skin and hair; eye pain; fainting; feeling cold; feeling of discomfort; feeling that others can hear your thoughts;

    This side effect is built in so your doctor who prescribed this crap to you can throw a little business to his wife the shrink. Her office is just down the hall of the medical office building from his.

    feeling that others are watching you or controlling your behavior; feeling, seeing, or hearing things that are not there; fixed position of eye; general feeling of discomfort, illness, tiredness, or weakness; hair loss; high fever; high or low blood pressure; hoarseness or husky voice;
    hostility; increased coagulation times; indigestion; inflammation of joints; irritability; joint or muscle pain; large, hive-like swelling on face, eyelids, lips, tongue, throat, hands, legs, feet, and sex organs;

    Hives on my sex organs. Just what the doctor ordered!

    lethargy; light-colored stools; lightheadedness; loss of appetite; loss of balance control; loss of bladder control; lower back or side pain; muscle aches; muscle cramps and stiffness; muscle trembling, jerking or stiffness; muscle twitching; painful or difficult urination;

    So Doc your saying I won't have weak streams any longer its just going to hurt so bad when I do take a leak I will rip the urinal off the wall.

    pains in stomach, side, or abdomen, possibly radiating to the back; pale skin; palpitations; puffiness or swelling of the eyelids or around the eyes, face, lips, or tongue; rapid weight gain; rash; red, irritated eyes; red skin lesions often with a purple center; redness, soreness or itching skin; right upper abdominal pain and fullness; seizures; severe mood or mental changes; severe muscle stiffness; shortness of breath; shuffling walk; sore throat; sores, ulcers, or white spots in mouth or on lips; sores, welting or blisters; stiffness of limbs; stupor; sweating; swelling of face, ankles, or hands; swollen lymph glands; swollen or painful glands; talking or acting with excitement you cannot control; tightness in chest; troubled breathing; twisting movements of body; twitching; uncontrolled movements, especially of face, neck, and back; unexplained bleeding or bruising; unpleasant breath odor; unusual behavior; unusual tiredness or weakness; upper right abdominal pain; vomiting of blood; weight gain; wheezing; yellow eyes and skin.

    I can live with a weak stream! Sorry about the length!

  37. Great post. You're right, there's way too much stereotyping involved in ad placements. I'm a female beer drinker, so I can relate to this.

    I haven't watched soaps since I was a teenaged house guest of a woman who was dying of cancer (she needed someone there). I am SO GLAD that there were no commercials about contraceptives and tampons. The sixteen-year-old me would have DIED. Back then, the commercials were for household cleaning products, esp. dishwashing detergent ("you're soaking in it"), or previews for the other soaps.

    Very interesting, as well as funny! Thanks.

  38. I just have to give Burg a big old WORD about Sam and the way she says the word "Family." I'm glad to know that I'm not the only who shouts at the tv screen when she says it incorrectly (or maybe I am. it's possible that you don't correct her the way I do.).

    I don't mind the commercials so much because I know the target demographic of soaps are women between the ages of 18-60. Plus, I usually fast forward through the commercials anyways.

    I'm not particularly fond of the NuvaRing commercial simply because of the rhyming. I think there's probably a better way to get the point across.

    By the way, I've got hours 8pm-9pm and 9pm-10pm recapped on my site. I'm working on getting the rest up by the end of this weekend.

  39. Too funny - thanks for the giggles. I am a "Young & The Restless" fan and a woman but loathe the same genre of commercials. Our station also throws in the occassional "if you go to this school in 9 months you could have a crappy dead end job so get your lazy ass off the couch and do something and shame on you for watching TV in the middle of the day you bum". I work from home so I just giggle at their assumptions.

  40. bone? i have to tell you something.

    i tagged you for a meme on my blog. i hope we can still be pals. ;)

  41. I'v been meaning to stop by for a visit, nice introduction, good timing on my part. I stopped watching GH after Luke and Laura saved the world by rescuing the Ice Princess from the evil clutches of, of, of I forget. Needless to say that was a long time ago. Scorpio! That was the bad guy. (I think.)

    I thought I saw him (Luke) when I was chanel surfing not too long ago.

  42. EoO: It was just an honest answer to your alarm clock question :) Yes, more Luke!

    TC: Yes, Sun Drop! Looks like someone's been perusing my archives ;)

    Kate: Well, for the short version, Bone came from an episode of Seinfeld. Little nibbler was given to me by an Applebee's waitress :) Because I'm a slow eater.

    Question girl: Gotcha. Thanks. I just learned some new internet lingo :)

    Fuzzybear: Wow. That was long. Um, coma? Yeah, no thanks. What is a shuffling walk? That doesn't sound too bad. I might be willing to trade a weak stream for a shuffling walk :)

    Actonbell: Thank you. Ah, yes, those racy Madge commercials :) I remember those. I always liked the scrubbing bubbles commercial. And the bug commercial where the bugs all scream, "Raid!"

    Xinh: I think Sam gets on a lot of people's nerves. It wouldn't hurt my feelings if she left the show :)

    Balou: Thanks for visiting :) You raise a good point. Soap viewers today aren't the same as they were twenty and thirty years ago.

    Sizzle: Ah, I see. I think I did like a five weird things meme about a year ago. I'm not sure I can think of six more, but I'll try. Either way, we can still be pals ;)

    G-man: Thanks for stopping by. Yes, Scorpio came back sometime last year. But he hasn't been on there lately.

  43. How about a commercial about blue water?

    Don't they have the "ed" commercials? I hate those with a vengeance.

    And even though nuvaring isn't for me(much prefer the sponge...yada yada yada)I do wonder who the target audience is. I mean, the active young gals you see in the commercials aren't wondering about Carly and Lucky and Luke (they should be, but aren't).

    They should have commercials for timeshares, weekend getaways and DNA testing

  44. LOL!!! I feel your pain. I watch Spike TV often for Star Trek TNG and I tire of the Axe commercials with the women and their heaving bosoms chasing after some dirty looking "hunk". Puh-lease. Girls watch Spike TV too! At least throw some gender neutral commercials in there!

    And I hate those tampon and birth control too. There are just some things that should not be aired as a commercial.

  45. Ummm, it's Tuesday morning. So where is my 24 wrapup?

  46. I was wondering the same thing, Anon...

  47. Dorothy: DNA testing. Haha. Good one :)

    Chickadee: Ah, I never thought about it going the other way. But I can see that. I get so sick of those truck commercials. Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots, The Lochness Monster. What?

    Anonymous AC: I know, I know. Sorry I was a bit late this week.

    TC: See above :)

  48. sure, we'll take 'em off, if I never have to watch another Viagra commercial, or diamond commercial again.

  49. Esmerelda: Fine by me! You got yourself a deal :)

  50. percentage this