A few weeks ago, I was in a restaurant with several people. In the course of the evening, two of my guy friends, whom we'll refer to as Friend A and Friend B, shared this exchange:
Friend A: "Hey, Friend B, don't we know that girl over there in the blue?"
Friend B: "What girl? You mean the one in the turquoise top?"
At this point, I am convinced time did indeed stand still for two to three seconds. When the rotation of the Earth resumed, Friend A and I gave Friend B a confused look, then looked at each other with a did-he-really-just-say-turquoise look.
No man, unless he aspires to be an interior designer, hairdresser, or personal assistant, should ever use any color other than those in the original Crayola 8 pack to describe an article of clothing. It's just... wrong.
As a matter of fact, I propose we make that a rule. A man rule. Some allowance will be made for the colors tan and gray, and of course, camouflage. Also, one may insert the words "light" or "dark" preceding said accepted colors, without facing repercussions or further questions.
To recap. It's blue, purple, and white. Not turquoise, lavendar, and eggshell. On this issue, there can be no further debate. Now, let's look at a couple of other man rule proposals...
I was at a football game last year with another guy friend. During a break in the action, when he should have been watching the cheerleaders, he nudged me and said, "Nice kicks." I looked over and he was looking down at my shoes.
Man rule proposal #2: No man should ever compliment another man's attire. Especially another man's shoes. Especially using the phrase "nice kicks." And most especially, in public.
If one feels compelled to be complimentary of a fellow Y-chromosomer's attire, one should save such remarks until they can be uttered in private. Perhaps in the car or something. Although even then, this blogger doesn't see how that could be anything but an awkward moment:
"Well, Ed, you wanna get something to eat?"
"Sure, Jimbo. By the way, I meant to ask you earlier. Is that a new shirt?"
"I thought so! Excellent choice. That cut is fantastic. It doesn't just hang there. And the color! The aquamarine tint with contrasting midnight stripes flatters your figure while bringing out the blue in your eyes."
For our final example, I am reminded of a story concerning yet another guy friend. Several years ago, this particular friend had a flat tire. And despite having a spare and a jack on hand, he had to call someone to come get him because he had no idea how to change a tire.
I am not overly proud of the fact that I do indeed have a couple of guy friends who I'm not sure know the difference between a plug wire and a heater hose.
Proposed man rule #3: If something is wrong with your car or hers, at least pretend you know a little something about it. Go out and pop the hood, poke around, unscrew some caps, get your hands dirty. And for the love of Pete, learn to change a flat.
Be looking for my new Oxygen series, Armchair Quarterback For The Queer Guy.
OK, that's all for today. I gotta get ready to watch General Hospital.
"So don't be afraid to let them show. Your true colors, true colors, are beautiful,
like a rainbow..."