Thursday, January 25, 2007

Primary colors

A few weeks ago, I was in a restaurant with several people. In the course of the evening, two of my guy friends, whom we'll refer to as Friend A and Friend B, shared this exchange:
Friend A: "Hey, Friend B, don't we know that girl over there in the blue?"
Friend B: "What girl? You mean the one in the turquoise top?"

At this point, I am convinced time did indeed stand still for two to three seconds. When the rotation of the Earth resumed, Friend A and I gave Friend B a confused look, then looked at each other with a did-he-really-just-say-turquoise look.

No man, unless he aspires to be an interior designer, hairdresser, or personal assistant, should ever use any color other than those in the original Crayola 8 pack to describe an article of clothing. It's just... wrong.

As a matter of fact, I propose we make that a rule. A man rule. Some allowance will be made for the colors tan and gray, and of course, camouflage. Also, one may insert the words "light" or "dark" preceding said accepted colors, without facing repercussions or further questions.

To recap. It's blue, purple, and white. Not turquoise, lavendar, and eggshell. On this issue, there can be no further debate. Now, let's look at a couple of other man rule proposals...

I was at a football game last year with another guy friend. During a break in the action, when he should have been watching the cheerleaders, he nudged me and said, "Nice kicks." I looked over and he was looking down at my shoes.

Man rule proposal #2: No man should ever compliment another man's attire. Especially another man's shoes. Especially using the phrase "nice kicks." And most especially, in public.

If one feels compelled to be complimentary of a fellow Y-chromosomer's attire, one should save such remarks until they can be uttered in private. Perhaps in the car or something. Although even then, this blogger doesn't see how that could be anything but an awkward moment:

"Well, Ed, you wanna get something to eat?"
"Sure, Jimbo. By the way, I meant to ask you earlier. Is that a new shirt?"
"Uhhhh... yeah?"
"I thought so! Excellent choice. That cut is fantastic. It doesn't just hang there. And the color! The aquamarine tint with contrasting midnight stripes flatters your figure while bringing out the blue in your eyes."

See?

For our final example, I am reminded of a story concerning yet another guy friend. Several years ago, this particular friend had a flat tire. And despite having a spare and a jack on hand, he had to call someone to come get him because he had no idea how to change a tire.

I am not overly proud of the fact that I do indeed have a couple of guy friends who I'm not sure know the difference between a plug wire and a heater hose.

Proposed man rule #3: If something is wrong with your car or hers, at least pretend you know a little something about it. Go out and pop the hood, poke around, unscrew some caps, get your hands dirty. And for the love of Pete, learn to change a flat.

Be looking for my new Oxygen series, Armchair Quarterback For The Queer Guy.

OK, that's all for today. I gotta get ready to watch General Hospital.

"So don't be afraid to let them show. Your true colors, true colors, are beautiful,
like a rainbow..."

44 comments:

  1. You slay me, Bone. Truly.
    I am in stitches over here.
    I keep re-reading it to make certain I didn't miss ANYTHING.
    This was my fourth time reading it and it's still so hilarious that I have tears in the corners of my eyes and my sides hurt.

    "Nice kicks" - you made that up! Tell me you made that up!

    I said those exact words to my brother once - as a joke - but, he'd just had to purchase very large, very white, clown-esque shoes for his job.

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  2. the irony isn't lost on me that you write a post all about man rules and yet have to make sure you watch your SOAP OPERA.

    ;)

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  3. Man rule proposal #2: No man should ever compliment another man's attire. Especially another man's shoes. Especially using the phrase "nice kicks." And most especially, in public.

    LMAO!

    I find these "man rules" truly fascinating, Bone. We need to delve into this further.

    Question.

    Would that gross high school t-shirt I saw some guy in the gym wearing the other day be grey, light grey, or see-through???

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  4. I cannot begin to tell you how much I honestly needed this post today. Wow. Literally, needed to have something make me laugh and cry and find it hard to stop. So thank you for that.

    No man, unless he aspires to be an interior designer, hairdresser, or personal assistant, should ever use any color other than those in the original Crayola 8 pack to describe an article of clothing. It's just... wrong.

    Oh man.

    I still make fun of my younger cousin because he once, when asked what his favorite color was, responded with "magenta."

    He was only four at the time, but it's still priceless to me.

    Is the irony truly that he talked about heading out to watch a soap, Sizzle, or that he ended in the lyrics to a Cyndi Lauper song????? Either way, this was hilarious.

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  5. Elizabeth: Believe me, I wish I could say I made up nice kicks. Unfortunately, it was all too real. And at a football game at that.

    Sizzle: I was hoping someone would catch that :)

    DC: Well now, how would I know what color it was? If it was old enough and worn enough, it was probably see-through.

    And we can delve further into these and other rules anytime :)

    TC: Well, that's OK when you're four and you have daily access to the 64 Crayola box :)

    You are welcome. I'm most happy to have provided you with a laugh.

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  6. Ok, so I'm sitting in the law school library (you know - that place where everyone is so studious and you're supposed to be soooo quiet and look all academic and smart) and I decide to check my blog's comments - it gives me a lift. There's a comment from you and it's so darn funny I laugh out loud suddenly.

    A few people look at me like, "what's that girl doing and why is she laughing at her computer?"

    If they only knew.

    Your post today here is very funny, and I'm glad I had warning to suppress laughter (from my blog experience). Take care.

    p.s. I betcha your friend is watching HGTV when he's bored.

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  7. YOU HAVE TO WRITE A MAN'S HANDBOOK!!!!!!! You just have to. You have too many rules to not write them all in a book.

    I love it. And you are a nerd!

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  8. Ah, but when I mock him about it now and other people overhear, they don't know the was four at the time. ;)

    (I loved the 64 pack of crayons.)

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  9. Mmmm.

    I beg to differ.

    I love when a man says to another, "That chautreuse sweater looks amazing with your complexion. Have you been working out? You look little less puffy in the face."

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  10. so how is it you are so familiar with all those colors your self... lavender, eggshell and was it periwinkle? lol

    Bone, you are a funny guy with all these ideas yet open about your TV obsession including soaps! Just dont make me laugh tonight... it hurts! lol

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  11. EoO: Glad to provide a break in your studying. Although I must admit, I really did think your post was poignant.

    Hotpinksox: You know, I think you may have something there. If I could organize all these rules (on my blog and in my head), I think I could write a man handbook!

    Traveling Chica: What was your favorite color?

    Eileen: Mmhmm. Weren't you also the one (on my shaking hands post) who said you liked seeing two men lock eyes across a crowded room then simultaneously run towards each other? :)

    Kate: Well, I googled Martha Stewart for some, and a female friend suggested eggshell.

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  12. I think it's simply hilarious that you watch General Hospital! Of course, I know that part's made up, but that makes it even better. So imaginative! Perfect punchline to the guy-card thing.
    And I'm embarrassed to say that I have all kinds of problems with shades of blue and green. Oh, and I thought the colors of my husband's alma mater were maroon and white for years, and it turns out that that maroon is just--brown. SO, I'll try to stick to your primary idea, too! Brown's--in the cayola box. Yeah.

    Do guys ever get their colors done? Ya know, to find out what "season" you are? Just wondering.

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  13. Need some Valentines Chocolate?

    Valentines Goody Swap!~~

    Tell her I sent you.

    I know that mostly women have signed up, but who's to say a guy can't do it too? At any rate you get a lot of women through here who might want some chocolate.

    Oh and very funny as usual. Hey, if this Gal can change a flat tire...then any guy should be able to. course I don't have to change the flat as all guys who drive past stop and offer to help.

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  14. My favorite color out of the box or my favorite color? Because they're two different answers.

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  15. *roflmao*

    LOVE IT

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  16. I love how you ended that with "I have to go watch General Hospital.." LOL

    My husband told me a story about a guy that works for him.. He was telling the guys about an incident years ago before we were married and I'd done his laundry.. I couldn't get the shop smell out of his clothes so I sprayed them down with Febreeze, which at the time had just come out. The guys at work gave him hell for smelling like a flower.. He asked me to never, under any circumstances do anything remotely close to that again...

    Once he finished the story, one of the guys chimed in about the wonder spray: "I always spray down my linens.." Of course, this drew everyone's gaping mouthed stares..

    Feel free to add to your list that men call them "sheets" not "linens." :)

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  17. On the flip side of this, I'd like to propose a Whoa-man rule:

    If you see a female who is changing her tire in the parking lot of a school, do not immediately assume she needs, requires, or demands your attentions. She probably doesn't need help as she is just struggling with one f'ed up bolt. Don't consider this scene authorization for instant transformation into Southern Gent.

    She'll be fine in five minutes when she regains circulation in her hands. Just walk away and pretend you do not see her. She'll thank you.


    Not that I know anything about that, have any experience to go along with that, or have ever been asked out while such an event occured.

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  18. Actonbell: Unfortunately, the General Hospital line is all too real. I know all about Sonny and Jason and Elizabeth and Sam and Carly and Jax and... well, I digress.

    No, I don't think guys get their colors done. I don't even know what that is :)

    Renee: Well, that was several years ago. So I'm hoping by now, this particular friend has learned to change a tire.

    TC: Hmm. Let's say, both!

    Question girl: Thank you :) Thanks for visiting.

    Burg: ...men call them "sheets" not "linens."

    Haha. Very good, Burg. That is right in line with this post. I imagine he got a similar reaction as my friend that said "turquoise." :)

    Marina: I'm glad you're not speaking from personal experience, ma'am :)

    Actually, I have a story about three guys trying to change a flat tire with a misthreaded bolt.

    Let's just say if you can't turn the lug wrench with your hand, standing on it with all your weight is probably going to do more harm than good.

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  19. Wow! You are quite the ball buster eh? ;)

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  20. A straight man said "turquoise?" Did someone document this moment? We could make some serious money on that. It might air on National Geographic or something ;)

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  21. Ah, it's so much easier being a girl. We don't have all these rules and potential gay moments.

    The only time I can say I've used the word turquoise though is when I was talking about jewelry.

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  23. Bone:

    Err, damn internet and electronic records maintaining my drunken words for your prosperity.

    Umm. I like manly men. But yeah, two men wearing pretty sweaters running toward each other is hawwwt.

    ;)

    Just kidding. I just like men who can dress well. The fact a guy can tell the difference from teal and turquiose is a turn-on.

    Especially if I paint my house and say to him, "Hey, what do you think of this? Do you prefer Golden Sunrise or Banana Bliss?", and he looks approvingly but still suggests, "I think Tuscan Yellow would be more suitable with the sunlight you have in here."

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  24. Bone, this is great! I laughed throughout--and your ending is classic. BTW, I updated you in my blog list, you are no longer Kevin in AL

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  25. My favorite color was (is) teal.

    My favorite color in a box of 64 Crayola crayons was cerulean. (Um, still is.)

    Guess I don't like change all that much, huh?

    And your favorites were...?

    (Having pulled up the link to all the 64 colors, I'm going to guess....fuchsia? ;))

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  26. Lux Lisbon: Well, someone had to speak out :)

    Carmen: Well, if blogging it is considered documenting it, then yes :) I think it would make a good sitcom episode.

    Carnealian: That's interesting. I wonder why girls don't have similar issues.

    Eileen: Well, I wouldn't know Banana Bliss from Banana Boat. And I may or may not have a pretty sweater ;-)

    Sage: Thanks. Ah, no more Kevin in AL? Truly the end of an era :)

    TC: Well, out of the ones that I remember on the link you provided, I would have to say pine green :) I liked sky blue, too.

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  27. Pine green is a nice manly color.

    Sky blue is... a nice little baby boy color. :) Just saying.

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  28. It is really weird when a guy tells another guy that he looks good, or his shirt fits nicely or something to that effect. Its OK for a guy to tell a girl 'you look nice!'.... but not another guy! Great man rules! I have male friends that have expanded their color wheel knowledge and can name more than the 8 basic colors in the Crayola box... but that's either because they have sisters or most of their friends are girls ;)

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  29. as i get older (and I am not THAT far outta my 30's tyvm! lol your comment made me growl!! But that is better than giggling as it hurts too much to do that right about now! lol) I have been more attracted to men who are more 'metrosexual'... into their appearance, dress etc... Perhaps its because they would be catagorized as friends now and not perspective mates... idk. I do know that I oculdnt be with a guy that was 'prettier' or better kept than I am! lol...

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  30. Bone, Bone, Bone, do I have to always be here to whip you into shape?

    If real guys can watch GH they can compliment each other. Just my opinion

    And I know many men who don't the difference between whatever the car things are. Their wives do as they know how to fix the plumbing and change the lightbulbs

    Maybe it's a New York thing

    It is a very funny post Bone

    Think I see "Bone's book" in the making or "Book of Bone." Yuck to both titles. But I see a book and soon

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  31. Not talking about the primary colors, well maybe, but I can't see Seinfeld, Larry David or Ray Romano as Ray barrone knowing anything about cars, or fixing things--and they might compliment each other albeit while pretending to joke

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  32. Bone -

    Aww, I am positive you own at least one pretty 'lil sweater.

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  33. TC: I remember my least favorite. It was corn-something. Like a blue color. But when you used it, it was so light, you could barely see it. I didn't care for burnt sienna much either.

    Kerry: I think with a lot of guys doing home improvement stuff, we learn a few more colors. But still, there's no need to use them when referring to clothing :)

    Kate: Well, I can't speak from experience, but I imagine that if the male in the relationship spends more time on his hair than the female, that might be a bit odd :)

    Pia: Maybe that's a NY or big city thing. Because I imagine there probably wouldn't be a lot of space to work on your own car there.

    I remember George complimenting Jerry on a jacket once on Seinfeld, but he prefaced it with, and I quote: "Can I say one thing to you? And I say this with an unblemished record of staunch heterosexuality... it's fabulous."

    So no, they wouldn't compliment other men on their clothing :)

    Eileen: I do have one gray pullover. It's kind of a mock turtleneck that zips near the top. (I feel odd even using the phrase "mock turtleneck.")

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  34. Bravo! This was hilarious!!!!!

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  35. Hey can I help add a chapter to your book?

    It would be titled "How to buy cards 101"

    step 1. go to a card store or store that sells cards (they carry them all over now).

    step 2. locate the section that is titled with the occasion you are getting the card for. IE. Specific Holiday, Birthday, Sympathy, Get Well.

    step 3. locate the section that includes they type of receipient the card is for. IE. WIFE, LOVE, Mom, Dad, etc...

    step 4. If the card is for your Wife or Girlfriend, skip the cartoons and head straight for flowers or hearts...you really can't go wrong there.

    step 5. read the card. If you don't understand it, choose another one. If the card says at least 99% of what you agree with, go ahead and buy it. If not, keep looking.

    If you can't be bothered with this...don't bother to get a card. You can make up for it with some really nice flowers or taking them out to dinner at a place where the waitress comes to your table.

    Feel free to add your own tips to this Bone. Or perhaps the chapter should be "how to buy a card for your wife or girlfriend 101" and edit out the mom & dad stuff.

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  36. Bone:

    Sounds delish. I'm drooling at the thought of you and your mock-neck. :)

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  37. 36 comments?
    Bone, you're a celebrity.

    Hilarious post.
    And as often as I stop a girl in the break room at work and say, "what color is your skirt? I mean... I can see it... just can't put my finger on it. Salmon? Fuchsia? Eggplant, YES!"... I agree that back-to-the-basics way of thinking is better.

    I miss the simple third grade days.

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  38. Just a litlte piece of trivia for you. "Nice kicks" is a gangsta/rapper thing. And I'm pretty sure that most gangstas would kick your ass for suggesting that complimenting their homies means something other than "Dude, those are some money shoes!" Of course, I'm not sure your friend should've been using gangsta speak to begin with, since white folk tend to sound stupid when using slang. But at least your friend was trying to be manly. I think if he had said, "Bone, those shoes are FAB!" then you might worry.

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  39. Jen: Thank you :)

    Renee: So flowers or hearts over cartoons? I'm not sure I comprehend. Who doesn't love a Ziggy anniversary card? :)

    I'll think some more on this. You might recall my feeling about greeting cards, and that is: 90% of greeting cards are useless.

    Eileen Dover: Drooling is so cute :)

    Blondie: Salmon? Eggplant? What you consider colors, we consider food. That's it! I understand women now.

    Xinh: I had no idea. It sounded very odd. Especially at a football game. With people around.

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  40. I'm with Eileen... photos would be okay. Really, it's all for your benefit, not ours...

    You remember burnt sienna?? You're doing better than me.

    In fact, I could have used your help last night: I got stuck on what the 8th color in an 8 pack of crayola crayons was in trivial pursuit... stupid, stupid orange. Who wants it anyway?!?!

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  41. ...that's why I took a woman-friend along to help me pick out some clothes for my new job. Guys would be happy in boxers and wife beaters if the corporate world would give way to such minimal allowances.

    Doesn't know how to change a flat tire is blowing my mind. I learned, the hard way, at age 16. On a steely cold, early spring evening. In the pouring rain nonetheless. My grandfather stood watch as I changed the tire. He wanted me to learn how to do it all on my own. Good lord man, tell that fella to grow a set, and get dirty. Ain't no harm in trying.

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  42. You're always forcing me to stop lurking because your posts crack me up so much. Maybe you can teach me the subtleties of blogging because they sure escape me.

    How would you describe the different grays in your new design?

    The comment one is easy, but the background gray can be called different things. They're flattering for your blog

    Not sure about the almost pink beige in the verification page

    I'm a girl so the knowledge comes easily to me. But I wouldn't know how to change a tire if my life depended upon it, and come to think of it, it just might some day

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  43. TC: My benefit, huh? And just how does that work exactly? :)

    I don't know why I remember it. Probably because in one episode of Seinfeld, George is dating a girl named Sienna. And Jerry makes the comment at some point, "Yep, he's dating a crayon."

    Big Man: I nearly always take a female along when I'm buying clothes for myself. Oh, and congrats on the new job, by the way!

    Genie: Haha. I figured someone might ask what shade of gray or green I was using.

    Perhaps one of you ladies might venture a guess. I have no clue. Although I do know the html hexadecimal codes for said colors :)

    I think the word verification page is standard Blogspot fare.

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  44. girl FPS gamer2/07/2007 10:02:00 PM

    Women should have rules about not overly nit-picky with eachother ,with all this examening fairly worthless things and yaking overly about it(it is good to be ''nit-picky ''with important things, like I don't know going to the moon).But that is what you get when people have too much time on their hands{not a bad thing ,but for some it is} and don't know what to do with it. 6592 part 1

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