Tuesday, January 09, 2007

The Resolutionists

My widely publicized month-long unintentional exercise hiatus ended last afternoon. I decided to hit the track. (That's runner-lingo for "go running.") I carried Nan along. It was her first time to go running with me. And she performed very well.

I was a bit surprised to see quite a few fellow exercisers out braving the bitter 45-degree afternoon. Then it hit me.

These were the New Year's Resolutionists. Perhaps you've seen them as well. You can find them at tracks and parks and gyms all across this great nation. And suddenly, I was inspired...

(Cue the pseudo-serious beer commercial voice over guy)

"Today we salute you, Mister New Year's Resolution Gym Guy."

(80's rock singer: "Mister New Year's Resolution Gym Guyyyyyy..."

"The first week of January finds you hanging out at your local gym. And proudly donning your form-fitting spandex, we do mean, hanging out."

(singing: "Fits so tiiiight...")

"Nevermind that up until last week, you thought elliptical was only a geometric term."

(singing: "What's your sine...")

"Seeing you sweating profusely the first two weeks of each year reminds us why we come to the gym all year long."

(singing: "He motivates us alllll...")

"So crack open a cold one, O Master of Self-Motivation. After point-seven-five miles on the incline treadmill, you've more than earned it."

(singing: "Mister New Year's Resoultion Gym Guy...")

"Let's get physical, physical. I wanna get physical. Let me hear your body talk, your body talk..."


  1. HOW do you come up with these things??
    Your mind works in hilarious ways, Mr. Bone.

    My friends and I used to go to the gym every night. At our gym were these guys in the weights section that were always in black spandex. . . and allow me to say -- if my package were so minimal, I would not seek to draw attention in it's direction. And they would surprise you with it. You'd lay down to do a few bench presses, close your eyes for a second to rest . . and they'd be standing over you, package near your nose, offering to give you a spot.

    Ummm . . No thank you. Really. I'm good. I don't need a spot. But thanks. Truly. Thanks.

  2. I laughed my way through this entire things. God, those commercials are great, and quite frankly, I think you could sell this one. Give 'em a call... what do you have to lose?

  3. Leave it to you to think of it as a beer commercial. :) I hate all the new years resolutionists - they hog up the machines at the gym until February, then they all give up. :)

  4. The bitter 45 degree cold? Form fitting spandex?

    Really the only important thing is how well Nan performed--no performance anxiety? No issues between the two of you that came to the surface?

    When are you going to try to sell your work?

  5. I used to hate this time of the year when I belonged to a gym, because for the past 10 months you could easily get any machine you wanted, you didn't have to wait for weights..ha ha! The good thing was, it only lasted a month or so and things went back to normal.

    I think I'm going to start going to the gym on campus beginning next week. It's free, I have lots of time between classes, what the heck?!?

    Glad to see you and Nan are doing well!

  6. Great song! You surprise me sometimes with your choices :-)
    We have those people at work too, the ones that have made their houses devoid of any and all sweets, and brought them here to work, so we can get fat while they try to lose weight for a month! I, on the other hand, am just changing my body, and it had nothing at all to do with the new year, and everything to do with my ass!!

  7. Elizabeth: Hahaha. That's hilarious. That would make a good SNL skit actually.

    TC: Thanks, Chica. I wouldn't mind being an advertising person. I used to want to be Darren Stephens. Of course, Elizabeth Montgomery had a lot to do with that.

    Carmen: Just walk by and nonchalantly crank up their treadmill :) Have fun with it.

    Pia: Well, there was a slight breeze, so the wind chill was probably like 41 :)

    Nan performed well for our first time in public. She stayed right with me, step for step.

    Oh, and soon, I hope.

    Carnealian: Yes, it'll all be back to normal in a month, at most.

    Free gym? May as well use it.

    Arlene: People here usually go on a diet for the first month or so. It affects me because it cuts out our pizza day for lunch each week.

  8. Totally off subject, but I'll sound a little ridiculous if I tell you again how funny that was...

    You changed the song! At the top I mean... wow! I'm in shock! Why?!?! (Not that it's not a good choice, though I did have a great appreciation for the GB song...)

  9. Hilarious!!!

    Bravo Bone

    Those Resolutionists are the exact reason why I dread heading to the gym for the next two months... and THAT is the reason I have a resolution to not avoid things for stupid reasons.

    I'm still laughing.. especially about the .75 mile guy. So true!!

  10. Thought I'd make my way here and share some love.

    Loved the post. Will say that life always gets better after the Superbowl.

    Somehow the lure of brats, chili, and beer overcomes the resolutionists and life can go back to normal.

  11. Ms. Sizzle: Thanks, Sizz :)

    TC: Well, I thought it was time for a change. And that one seemed to go along well with the Januaryitis I was feeling this weekend. I love that GB song, too. And that's a perfect line.

    DCChick1: Thanks :) Glad it made you laugh, DC. Not sure if anyone has already referred to them as Resolutionists or not, but I thought they needed a name.

    Eileen: Well, thanks for stopping by. I resolve to link you very soon :)

  12. That's priceless!!!

    You need to send that one in to the Bud people.

  13. That was very cute...but it's really hard to sell an ad. We tried before and got sent a rejection letter that told us we were barking up the wrong tree to send it over here.

    Maybe if you and your friends produced a video and put it on youtube...then lots of folks would see it and the beer companies would be coming to you.

    I would watch that ad on tv.

    Oh and sending the pizzas...priceless!

    I was driving to my friend's house and her neighborhood wasn't plowed at all...but I can still hear the plows going in my neighborhood...I wonder how I got to be so special?

    Why am I getting the same word verification on every blog I post on??? smenita

  14. So can I use this as my excuse not to go to the gym until February?

  15. Chickadee: I think it'd make a perfect ad for the Super Bowl. Just sayin'.

    Blondie: Thank you. That's all :)

    Renee: Yeah, I'm sure they already have very high-paid ad people.

    Perhaps the word verification guy took the day off? :) Nah, Blogger has been messed up most of the day today.

    Smenita reminds me of that Madonna song, Who's That Girl?

    Katie: Yes, you may. That was pretty much my whole point of writing this post :)

  16. i love it. and at my gym its been all really out-of-shape looking people coming on tours as well..last monday was the worst, but it seems to always be at my gym..its as though weekends make people suddenly realize they are leading unhealthy lives..i love this commercial idea and think it could have a follow up in Mr. Doesn't Know what Appropriate Gym Attire is guy. or girl. because we also have alot of that at my gym. eew eew eew. i got smenita too!

  17. Change?!?! What is this crazy thing of which you speak? I've never heard of it! ;-)

  18. This is great! I sang along in my head as I read it. I even know who Oliva Newton John is in my gym, but she's not a "resoluter" (my term) for she's there every day, all year and is in good shape looks like Olivia (I just haven't heard her sing). I listened to about a dozen books in the gym last year--on my Nan.

  19. That is great! Ran point seven-file miles!? lol That's a good start ...

    I sang the whole thing! :)

    I really think you should submit that to the beer commercial people...

  20. Thanks for the linkage. Back at ya!

  21. Alison: Yeah, I think that is a common problem all over. Seems like I've even read a couple of bloggers who wrote about gym attire.

    TC: Yeah, I dislike change, too. I'm thinking about going back to my old quote :)

    Sage: Oh, so you have a Nan, too. They're great, aren't they?

    Kerry: Thanks. If I was musically-inclined (meaning, could play anything other than a kazoo), I'd totally do an audio post.

    Eileen Dover: No problem. Thanks for the return linkage.

  22. I like the new one... I'm just partial to GB. New Miserable Experience is the ONLY cassette I literally wore out. :)

    I'm really not partial to change in general though.

  23. I love, love, love those beer commercials! Great post!

  24. TC: Sigh. Cassettes. Those were the days. Especially in the one car I had which only had a fast forward. No rewind.

    Lux: Thank ya :)