Thursday, January 18, 2007

Gimme Three Steps

Nan's new toy came via UPS Tuesday evening. Well, it's really for both of us.

I've been pleased with the reception thusfar. And it's nice to have a case for Nan, a carseat if you will. So that she's not sliding around and everything. I am a little concerned with having to continually plug and unplug things from her inputs thought. I hope they don't get worn out. But so far, so good.

I was, however, none too thrilled with the nine step instruction sheet that came with it. As men, if the instructions for something have more than three steps, we pretty much ignore them and (try to) figure it out for ourselves. Sure there may be parts left over after all is said and done. But in the end, the product usually works. At least for awhile. I'm sure some of you ladies may have noticed this by now.

Think about things men do. They're all fairly simple. Watching TV? Find remote, change channel, adjust volume. Using the bathroom? Pull down pants, go, flush. See, putting the seat down would make it one step too many.

That's why in weddings, men all wear the same thing and don't walk down the aisle. In order for us to show up and agree to go thru with it, things had to be simplified to a few basic steps. Wear a tux, stand at the front, say I do.

Men like things simple. We are, after all, cavemen and hunters from way back in the day. Cro-Magnon! Represent!

I'll close today with this little anecdote. A slice of life if you will. I had dinner at Applebee's Monday night. The server came around and asked what we wanted to drink. I ordered lemonade. She informed me they were out of lemonade. As I was trying to decide on an alternate beverage, she kept mentioning their root beer, telling me how delicious it was and suggesting I order it. So I did.

Five minutes later, she returned and informed me that they were now also out of root beer. I decided just to have a Coke. (That's capital C, for Coca-Cola, not small c for soft drink, for you northerners who may be reading.)

When she returned to take our order, I ordered a house salad with ranch dressing. That is when she uttered a phrase I had never heard before, and hope to never hear again:

"I'm sorry. We're out of ranch dressing."


Are you joking me?! What in the name of Hidden Valley is going on around here? This is America. Land of the free and home of the ranch. I thought they just piped in the ranch dressing these days. You know, hot, cold, ranch.

Well, by this time I was at the point of saying just bring me whatever you do have. I wound up with a salad, with blue cheese dressing, and like half a dang quesadilla.

After that, I overheard one of the guys behind us trying to order one of the appetizer/entree/dessert three course combos. She informed him that they were out of the two kinds of desserts that normally come with the combos.

I guess this is what one might call "eating moderately well in the neighborhood..."

"Won't you gimme three steps, gimme three steps, mister? Gimme three steps toward the door..."


  1. That Coca-Cola comment was directed at me, wasn't it?

    I still don't get it. Take the following scenario.

    Me: I'll have a coke please.
    Waitress: What kind?
    Me: A Mt. Dew.

    Bone, there is seriously something wrong with that picture!!!

    And um, Mr. Germophobe? You forgot to mention washing your hands when you're "all done potty." ;)

    I am a little concerned with having to continually plug and unplug things from her inputs. I hope they don't get worn out. LMAO I was in stiches from this point on... (And she likes it... I'm sure of it.)

  2. When I'm in need of a laugh, I can always come here. You never fail to elicit, at the least, a broad smile and, in general, a fit of giggles.

    "eating moderately well in the neighborhood" and "Cro-magnon! Represent!" Where do you come up with these things???

    I'm just glad you use your powers for good instead of evil.

  3. No ranch??? For shame! What kind of place runs out of ranch???

    I'd have left! :)

  4. good point on the 3 steps!! I'll keep that in mind.

    You'd be surprised at the kind of things you request at a restaurant and they are out of them.

    One time when I went to a Panera to get soup, they told me they had no soup that day. Their delivery had gotten stuck in the snow storm... No soup??? How does Panera not have soup???

  5. TC: No, there's not. That's normal :)

    I guess that washing hands would have to be considered a separate activity.

    Elizabeth: What do you mean, where do I come up with it? I randomly yell that all the time :)

    Peace out. M to the E to the S-O-Z-O-I-C!

    Burg: That would have been funny. "No ranch? That's it! I'm leaving."

    DC: Apparently, they were having a bad day. But really, ranch? Come on. You gotta have ranch.

  6. We need to have a little chat about your definition of normal, I think. I mean, I can do it, I've been to the south, but lets just say it's a good thing you like Coke because if you asked for coke up north, you'd get Coke. I promise. :)

    Yeah, you do have to have ranch. Ranch is one of those necessary things in life. It's like someone not having ketchup. No good. (And I still want that quesadilla, dang it! Would you stop bringing it up??!? ;))

  7. I would have left...what's up with no ranch???

    I finally got tired of going to the Olive Garden...trying to order Water and being told that it's Highlands Ranch water and tastes yucky. Now this place has been in business for how long??? longer than I have lived here which is 5 years. You would think the management could have purchased a water filter by now? How about a Brita pitcher?

    But being out of Lemonade? go to the nearest mega-mart and buy some Country Time powder!!! and then no rootbeer? might as well shut down for the night!

    You didn't even have snow as a good excuse for being out of all of that.

  8. I'm sure the Applebee's issue was a shortage due to weather related conditions in the supply pipeline. They're based in KC you know.

  9. Ugly Girls Hate Me1/18/2007 04:31:00 PM

    I worked in a restaurant that didn't serve ranch... considered too "trashy" to carry in our fine dining establishment. I never cared, as I have never been a ranch fan... but I would almost bathe in Bleu Cheese given the chance.

    Glad that Nan's enjoying her new gizmo's... and that she, too, enjoys you putting things in... oh nevermind.


  10. "what in the name of hidden valley" HA HA HA.

    you slay me, bone. SLAY.

    your whole "Three Steps" rule is so true. i never thought of it that way but now that you mention it... let's just say a light bulb has switched on. thank you friend.

    p.s. if you would only put your bloody email address when you comment on my blog i could respond to you! don't be passive aggressive. ;)

  11. TC: Well, we don't do it all the time. It's actually becoming less common here to use coke for all things carbonated. Sadly.

    Seriously, I think it should be a major health violation if you run out of ranch.

    Renee: Ooo, you should bring in your own Brita! BYOB, babee! That would be funny. Kinda like George bringing in an outside cucumber to put in his salad at Monk's.

    Lass: That's actually not a bad thought. If they get their ranch from the Midwest or West, that's probably what it was.

    UGHM: Your name reminds me of that player in the XFL, that wore the name "He Hate Me" on his jersey.

    Yeah, I could have gone overboard with the Nan thing, but I didn't... did I?

    Sizz: Thanks, Ms. Sizzle. Just remember, when dealing with men, simplify.

    (And I can't figure out how to put my email address in. I just enter my blogger name and password.)

  12. You went to ABs without calling me?!?!!? I'm hurt!


    I also posted about APpleebee's today... let me know what you think. You've seen me order before...

    I'm curious as to why adults look at me odd ... surely it has nothing to do with ordering food... or does it???

    Peace out.

  13. Geez, that's one hurtin' restaurant. LOL, "eating moderately good in the neighborhood"
    Very moderate. And now you've given me an earworm, and it's time for bed. Shame on you.

  14. They should have to shut the doors.

    Of course, then people would be upset about that too, so what are you gonna do?

    Love the pic of your new hunny. ;)

  15. Thanks for visiting my blog as it brought me back here where I had a laugh. I guess you will avoid eating there in the future. I would have gotten up & left.

  16. wow that was great...I really needed the laugh! I don't even know where to start this your normal type of post? It was great!

  17. funny funny :)

  18. funny funny :)

  19. Java: I don't know what it could be. I bet you have a better knowledge of children's menus at area restaurants than most anyone though :)

    Actonbell: Yes, I think moderately well might have been too kind. Sorry about the earworm. I had to google "earworm" to see what that was. I never knew there was a term for it. Interesting.

    TC: Thanks! I had to wait until I got home to add it to my post.

    Rose: Glad to give you a laugh :) Unfortunately, I got two AB's gift cards for Christmas, and I hate to waste them.

    TagAlong: Thank you. Yeah, I guess this is pretty much a typical post for me.

    EastofOregon: Thanks, East :) (I assume the anonymous was you, too.)

  20. I can't believe I'm doing this, because typically, I believe in the old "only one comment per post" rule, but . . .

    I once ordered a taco in the Taco Bell drive-thru and was told "I'm sorry. We're out of ground beef. You can order a chicken taco." Taco Bell's outta meat??? What? Okay, though, no harm, no foul: "I'll take the chicken."

    But THEN they quote a price quite a bit higher than my cheapo ground beef taco. I then say "Excuse me, I believe my total was wrong." They then said "No, ma'am. The chicken taco is *however many cents* more than the beef." Me: "But you don't have beef, therefore chicken is my only option. You should give it to me for the same price of the beef because this is YOUR mistake, not mine." A few moments of arguing ensued before they lost my business.

    Charging me for something I didn't want in the first place because they ran out of what I did want makes NO sense to me. Am I alone in that thought?

  21. What this poor waitress was trying to subtly tell you was that she snorted all of the root beer and slathered the ranch along the walls in the back. She couldn't just come right out and tell you in front of ALL the customers so she tried her very best to hide her problem.

    I don't even want to tell you what she did with those desserts.

    It's so sad to see waitresses reduced to food junkies.

    Terrific post!

  22. Oh, is there a rule about how many times we're supposed to comment per post? If so... I'm in deep trouble...

  23. lol... great post...

    hey thanks for the link... thats quite a list ya got there! lol

  24. That restaurant manager needs to be fired! That's a serious lack of planning on his part. I have an Applebees near me and I rarely eat there. There's too much meat there. Meat on everything including the salads.

    Nan's car seat is pretty cool!! I have one too, but would rather just listen with my headphones. I mean if you can be deaf and drive, why not be able to listen to music and drive??

    I rarely ever read directions. Wastes too much time. I'll figure it out on my own and if I can't, then I get the directions out. Maybe I'm part Cro-magnon???

  25. Elizabeth: No. I'll go one step further and say after having to settle for my third beverage choice, I was thinking it would be nice if they'd give me my beverage free. Especially since Coke was $1.99 and they have 99 cent margaritas from 3-7 anyway.

    Zeus: She did seem to be in the back quite awhile. I always wondered exactly what goes on back there.

    TC: Nonsense. I've never heard of such a rule :)

    Kate: You're welcome. It has grown rather lengthy.

    Carnealian: Well, we did have women around back in the day. Let me ask you a question: Do you ever have the feeling you may have been dragged around by the hair on your head at some point many centuries ago?

  26. is it possible...have you written... the... Man Manual?

  27. cwAlison: Hey! You know, it could be close. The Man Manual would definitely be simple.

  28. I have a recollection of being dragged around by my hair just last night. ROFL!!! I'm kidding...I just couldn't resist the opportunity.

  29. I cannot conceive of a restaurant being out of Ranch dressing. What is the world coming to???

  30. Carnealian: Oh, that sounds like you ;-)

    Jennifer: Snowing in L.A. and Texas. A restaurant running out of ranch. I'm beginning to wonder.

  31. it took them 30 min to make 2 salads for my mom & me the other night