Tuesday, January 31, 2006

The "Ex" Files

Ah, our exes. What would we do without them? Some still love us. Some hate us. Some express their anger with colorful profanities and hand gestures hurled in our direction at every opportunity. Some disappear never to be heard from again. (I don't know anything about that.) And some pop up every few months or so like Bob Dole. Well, maybe not exactly like Bob Dole.

Anyway, it started last weekend. I was over at a friend's house on Saturday night when out of nowhere I got a text message from an ex-girlfriend. I hadn't spoken with her in about nine months. (The fact that this time period is roughly the same as the normal human gestation period is purely coincidental. I hope.)

I don't remember what the first couple of messages said. Just general small talk, I guess. Said she was having a bad week or something. Then it started. I kept the next four messages on my phone just for the purpose of blogging them. (Spelling has been corrected because, well, that's just what I do):

"Just know I love you with every fiber of my being, but I have faults."

Um, OK.

"You are who I love and want to spend forever with."

Um, have you been drinking? (I actually sent that to her.)

"In my heart there has never been anybody else that compares to you. Just know you are who I love."

Where is all this coming from? (That, too.)

"You are it for me. I have things to tell you. Just know it's always been you."

What the crap? I mean, seriously. Who says this? This isn't like, "You wanna go out to eat sometime?" And where is this coming from anyway? Is it some sort of pre-Valentine's Day loneliness thing? Why didn't she say all this when we dated?

And the thing is, I know that in all likelihood, this is a bad idea and would never work. But by this time, it's like a game of Space Invaders. I have my defenses up, but every text message she drops eats away a little bit more of my shield.

Fortunately, I am able to ward off the attack. I get like a text message a day for the next three or four days. Not responding to half of them. Then this past Saturday night, I get this message:

"I have cool whip..."

Again, what the crap? How completely random!
I respond with: "OK?"
Then I recieve: "Sorry. I thought you liked cool whip."
That was followed last night with "Is there anything I can do to get you back into my life?"

No... I don't think so.

I get yet another message this afternoon. To me, if you need to text more than two or three times, you might as well call. So I finally text her back and tell her I'm tired of texting, and that if she needs to talk she can call. After all, I do consider her a friend. And actually, I could totally hang out with her, but I know that she would want more. And I wouldn't.

But then I start to think. Someone baring their soul can sometimes do that to you. I start to re-evaluate everything. Maybe there's something I missed. Who feels this way about me. I'll be 33 years old in twelve days. Never been married. No kids. Maybe it could work...

No... No... It couldn't...

Anyway, that's the last I heard from her. She hasn't called. Which is probably good. My shield is almost completely gone. And I could be running out of quarters.

"And the tears come streaming down your face. When you lose something you can't replace. And you love someone but it goes to waste. Could it be worse?"


  1. Keep the shield and the quarters; then again

    This girl is serious!!!!!!!!! Totally too much; then again....She says what she wants

    Miscommunication seems to be all over the place, and I'm not very good at communicating today

  2. Most of my ex's are married and have faded off into the sunset. The one ex that's not married is gay. See what my powers can do? The other ex has recently been in communication with me doing a good job at playing "victim."

    This girl is serious, but if she's not willing to even call, then that's her loss. Invite her over to watch the Superbowl and tell her to keep her hands to herself!

  3. Oh, goodness.
    I feel sorry for this girl.
    Mainly because she is serious.
    And probably does really think she loves you.
    BUT, you indulging her in ANY way is just going to hurt her more.

    Cut and run, son.
    Cut and run.

    I've been where she is.
    Only I wasn't a pussy and actually called the man in question.
    We got back together.
    And I think I can categorically say it was the worst 7 months of both our lives.
    Let the past be the past and don't jack with it by bringing it into the present.

  4. your life got exciting! i need more details ,email me!

  5. Pia: I actually had a dream about Space Invaders last night. Two of my three shields were gone, and I was over in the corner hiding behind my quickly-depleting final shield. Miscommunication, maybe. Confusion, yes.

    Carnealian: "See what my powers can do?" Were you the last girl he was ever with? :)

    Yes, she is serious. Superbowl? Really?

    Meghan: Yes, I know you are right. It would never work. Leave it in the past. Yes, of course. That's what I should do.

    Lindsy: See what happens when you can't email at work all day ;-)

  6. larsobbuckeyefans2/01/2006 08:49:00 AM

    2 things,first,weird timing cause my ex came into my workplace yesterday.It was polite yet strained.And second,my husband has an ex like this...run ! It seems crazy because it is.....learn from his mistakes...ask yourself"Does this seem like stable behavior?".Uh,nooooo.Be strong.She is trying to lure you into her web of insanity with the promise of cool whip,desperation should be your first red flag.

  7. Oh wait . . .
    How old is this ex???
    (and yes, it matters!)

  8. We've got a Stage 5 Clinger.

    Seriously, after the comment you left on my blog I see that you don't go for the intelligent type...you must be going for the Hooters type.

  9. I don't know...call me crazy, but who TEXT MESSAGES stuff like that. I can understand a little better if it's showing up at your door or calling you to say "let's talk". But, I'm not a big fan of text messages anyway, unless it's a quickie. (which by the cool whip comment could be what she was looking for, in which case....)

  10. buckeyefan: "She is trying to lure you into her web of insanity with the promise of cool whip."

    There's a sentence I'm fairly certain I've never heard before. lol That was funny.

    Meghan: Older than me.

    Audra: Well that wasn't too nice. I consider most of the girls I've dated to be intelligent. Good conversation is important to me. Sense of humor. Honesty. Not in that order.

    Tenacious One: I see your point, not the sort of thing to be discussing over text message. And like I mentioned in the post, after two or three texts, I figure you might as well call.

  11. I have to tease you after the comment you left on my blog. :) No offense

  12. Hey, I stumbled on your blog through amalah then heather... pretty entertaining. I always love finding new blogs to read and keep me from being bored. Thanks Bone!

  13. Oh my. Sounds like this girl has issues. I mean, not because she's totally in love with you...who could blame her for that. No, it sounds like she's a bit off the deep end. You don't restart a relationship via text message. You call, you meet. And the Cool Whip? I don't think sex is a way to get it going either...if you really want the relationship. If you just want sex, just ask for it.

  14. Okay, I am not going to offer any advice, but I will offer you my experiences. I once dated a man, got engaged and then broke it off when I saw how self-destructive he was. We sort of stayed friends and got back together again. I was in a similar situation as you...he was charming and telling me how much he missed me and how I was the one etc etc and I caved. It didn't take long after we got back together to realize why I had broken up with him in the first place and this time the break up was messy and I know for a fact that he hates me. He harbors an unhealthy, downright scary grudge towards me. I keep in touch with his parents and his sister...we'll see each other maybe 1-2 times a year. He has been married about 10 years now, has 2 children and he still hates my guts.

    Okay, so maybe I am offering some advice...if you were the one who broke up with her, think about the reasons that prompted you to end the relationship. Seriously look at the relationship both the good AND the bad before you make the decision to get back together with her. There is a reason the relationship didn't work out.

    Don't get back together with her for the wrong reasons (you mentioned being 33, not married and no kids) you're not being fair to her or yourself if you restart that relationship because you're afraid of being alone.

    There is someone out there for you and believe me, she will be worth the wait. I kissed a lot of toads before I kissed my prince and I am so glad I didn't just settle.

  15. stay away stay away stay away
    just remember what caused the break-up in the first place. and ick, don't waste the superbowl on wondering 'what if?' if you have to question whether or not you could make it work...it won't work. and what works for me, if ever i get the twisted idea that i might want to possibly date someone i've already dated before..i meet them in a public place for something like coffee. it usually takes about 30 seconds of awkward conversation for the both of us to realize what ever happened happened a long time ago and shouldn't ever again..thirty-three smurty schmee. life is just beginning..

  16. Ironic that I'm commenting? Possibly. I am of the mind frame that if you broke up once, don't try again. It never works. Kind of like, once broken up, always broken up. Just my advice.

  17. Audra: I figured you were teasing. Have to defend my girls though. Especially since like four of my ex-girlfriends read or have read my blog. Just not this particular ex.

    Carrisa: That's amazing. Because I love finding new people to read my blog :-) Thanks for the comment.

    Lass: Actually, I know it's hard to believe, but I think she meant the cool whip as something to eat. Like on a pie or something. lol

    Chickadee: Yes, you are right. Good advice. I know all this. Just need to be reminded sometimes maybe.

    dubleyu: Yes, why ruin the SuperBowl with this. OK, if I receive any more contact, I'll tell her I put it before the Blogger roundtable and we think it's not such a good idea. lol

    Groovychick: Isn't it ironic. Doncha think. A little too ironic. Yeah, I really do think. It's like raaaayeaaaaiinn...

  18. That's kinda weird... I never called up an ex. BUT when DH & I first were dating (maybe a month or so) his phone rang and since he was busy, I answered it.

    It was a girl, but I didn't think anything of it 'cuz it sounded like someone he works with (whom he hates with a bloody passion) so I hand over the phone to him.

    After a quick conversation "yeah, that was my girlfriend..." "Okay, bye" DB tells me that it was an ex (they only dated for a month). And nothing more, except me wondering who would call a guy after that long?

    I guess some gals are like that. Maybe the next gal you meet you should ask "Have you ever called or texed an ex before?... why?" And then run if she says yes. LOL

    Happy Birthday coming up. It sounds like you share a bday with my DH. His is the 12th.

  19. Yes. What a coincidence. I'm the 12th, as well. Guess you'll never have a problem remembering my birthday :-)

  20. when I first read it I thought she said "a cool whip"... huh. but "cool whip" -- get some pie and let's party!! :) and make my coffee decaf, I've got an early morning tomorrow.

  21. An Old Friend.2/03/2006 10:28:00 AM

    You totally can imagine how I feel on this subject. If you don't "cut and run", it will hold you back from any future relationships.

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