Friday, January 20, 2006

Cuts (and more?)

Moving to a new city, there are certain changes to your daily, weekly, or monthly routine that are almost inevitable. New coffee shop. New place to go running. New bank. Or at least new branch. And on and on. These might seem insignificant, but can take a little getting used to, at the least.

Moving here, I had to find a new place to get my hair cut. I had started going to one place here with a couple of really hot girls. Isn't that the first thing you look for? But, alas, it went out of business. And I don't know where they ended up. So one day I ventured into another place in town, located in a small plaza, just between a drug store and tax service. I had called ahead to see if they accepted walk-ins, and the lady assured me they did.

As I walked in, a quick scan of the place revealed two ladies and two men working there. Before I got three steps in the door, one of the men, who was sitting in his chair, got up and asked, "Can I help you?" Now, let me insert here, that I have not had my hair cut by a man since... I don't even remember when. I think I must have been in my late teens or early twenties. It's been years. But honestly, I didn't think that much about it. After all, it's just a haircut. I'm just getting a trim to test out this place. Oh, if I'd only known...

So sitting there, I placed my arms on the armrests of the chair, he draped that big hair shield over me, and I'm ready to go. As I continued to observe, a couple of NAW mothers (Non-Acronym Worthy) brought their kids in and were sitting just across the room from me waiting their turn. The kids were probably seven or eightish. I really don't know. My point is, I would classify this as a family place.

Anyhow, as many hair stylists tend to be I suppose, this guy was a chatter. And as there was a hair dryer going and clippers and such, he was having to talk rather loudly. The conversation somehow turned to Nashville, and he began to tell about the time that he and his wife and two friends of theirs went to a strip club there. So he is telling this story about what happened. I don't even remember now. But I'm sitting there thinking, "Isn't this a little bit inappropriate in front of children?" So I don't say much, and try to change the subject at the first opportunity.

Then, a couple of minutes later, it happened. He comes around to my right side, and somehow his midsection comes to rest snuggly against my right arm. I freeze! As luck would have it, the height of the chair perfectly(?) combined with his height to make this situation absolutely as awkward as possible. How do I get myself into these situations? Will somebody please tell me?

As you can imagine, I'm very uncomfortable right about now. Getting a haircut is a rather stationary, still activity anyway. But at this point, I'm not even sure whether or not I'm still breathing. I don't want to jerk away immediately, because then he'll know I'm uncomfortable. And that would just make it doubly awkward. Besides, maybe he's not uncomfortable at all. Maybe he hasn't even given it a second thought. Then I think, maybe he's a little too comfortable. Yikes! Mommy!

So he stands there, pressed up against me for what felt like (is that the best phrase to use here?) several thousand extremely awkward non-hetero hours. But was probably, in reality, fifteen or twenty seconds. I'm still frozen stiff, like a customer in a barber shop wax museum. Finally, at long last, he moved. Away from my arm, that is. And I was able to exhale, and gradually ease my arms off the armrests and into my lap, where I knew they would be much safer.

Again, I'm used to having girls give me hair cuts. When they rub up against me, it doesn't make me uncomfortable. I actually rather enjoy it. I prefer it. But this was different. This just left me feeling... violated.

Perhaps they need a warning sign like they have at amusement park rides. Please keep your arms and legs inside the chair at all times.

So I'm thinking of letting my hair grow out. At least until I can ensure an environment with a female to male ratio of X:0. Where X is a variable, representing the number of females, and 0 is a constant, representing the number of males.

"I'm open, you're closed. Where I follow, you'll go. I worry I won't see your face light up again..."


  1. OMG! I would have paid money to see this scenario take place! I have been in this situation when my (gay) male friend would cut my hair. Things were touching things they shouldn't be. However, I have caught myself doing this in a training class. If a trainee asks a question where I need to lean over and point at something on the screen or keyboard, I've found my (upper) body parts on their body parts. And, I swear it was unintentional! It might be kinda fun if you were my trainee though! ;)

    Gosh, all this talk of body parts on body parts....I think I need a cigarette!

  2. LOL Too funny! And you described it well- I could feel the awkwardness! haha! Sorry you had to go through that, but thanks for the laugh :)

  3. No I don't look for a couple of hot girls when I first go to a new hair salon ;-) Couldn't resist that

    Great Bone story--and I too felt your discomfort

  4. Carnealian: Yes, I've been speared (supposedly) unintentionally by girls before. It can range from hot to awkward, depending on the girl.

    Courtney: Perhaps I should begin taking a video camera along so that I can capture these awkward adventures.

    Pia: Well, obviously :-)

    I'm glad I was able to convey my discomfort, although I'm not sure I could ever get across the full awkwardness of the situation.

  5. What qualications does it take to cut your hair? I may be able to do it for you so you don't have to let it grow out... and I'm a GIRL!

  6. The guy that's been doing my hair for about 6 years has a thing for rubbing his penis on you while he does your hair. I'm not sure if he's just too big to control, or if he doesn't realize it (doubt it!) or if he just enjoys it. Either way, doesn't bother me, but there are NO men that go to him EVER! Silly boys...mmm, did I mention he's not gay and hot as HELL??!!! Hahaha. Enjoy your next hair cut :-)

  7. That does sound pretty awkward, even to a girl who lives with a gay man. You wouldn't last a second in my house, where I have to blare NPR jazz in my room at night so I don't overhear my roommate and the grunting noises he and latin lover make. Talk about awkward.

  8. Not to stereotype or assume or anything, but I would have thought that most guys are rather sensitive about keeping their personal space down "there" away from other men. Maybe he WAS enjoying that a little too much. I can't believe he was oblivious to your discomfort and the very fact that he was brushing up against you. But then again, he was oblivious to the fact that talking about going to a strip club was inappropriate, especially with kids in the store. What a schmuck.

  9. I just noticed you have a link to "Dr Robin Scorpio's" blog. This is hilarious. I grew up on soap operas. I think that explains a lot about my life. People used to tell me I looked like her. I don't anymore, but when I was a kid, I looked like i could be her puerto rican brother- even though i'm not puerto rican or a boy. didn't that character have HIV? Does she still have HIV? Or does she have HIV only when it's convenient to the story line? like bianca being a lesbian on AMC. Or anyone being a doctor on a soap.

  10. Sherry: I believe you meet my qualifications :-)

    Arlene: I will not be enjoying my haircut if that ever happens again. Sounds like you'll be enjoying yours, though.

    Tara: Ah yes, the joy of roomates. I like NPR. As far as Robin, I'm not sure, but I think she still has HIV. They never mention it though. I don't remember her having a brother. I haven't watched the show continuously, however.

    Chickadee: Exactly! If I was cutting a guy's hair, my legs and torso would be at least a foot away from the chair at all times. It was quite an odd experience.

  11. I should clarify on the brother comment- i looked like I could have been the puerto rican brother she did not have.
    I love NPR but I hate that now when I hear jazz, I automatically associate it with trying to mask the sound of two men grunting.

  12. I dunno, when I get a haircut, it's like getting a massage or something. It tends to really relax me.

    Oh yeah, and I haven't let a man cut my hair in over 15 years. lol fwiw.


  13. I agree with Java, haircuts usually do totally relax me. Unless my bubble has been severly invaded. Also, I once had a man cut my hair and he was so rough, pulling my hard from side to side, etc. It was at a really nice salon. It was the deep tissue massage of haircuts.

    My man waits forever to get his haircut because he hates all the chatting. He's always thinking, 'less talking, more cutting.'

  14. Tara: Yes, after I commented, I started thinking that might be what you meant. Sorry for your bad jazz association. Maybe you could put on some Home Improvement and wouldn't be able to differentiate?

    Java: Yes, I usually come close to falling asleep... if a girl is cutting my hair.

    Mappy: Well, trust me, my bubble was severely invaded. And I agree, most of the time, the less chat the better.

  15. You boys are just so silly. "several thousand extremely awkward non-hetero hours" - too funny. Didn't something similar happen to George? Not that "it moved" for you, but you know waht I mean.

  16. Oy! Bone and his non-hetero incidents. I swear these things only happen to you. Perhaps there is some sort of strange animal magnetism that just draws people(men) to you. :P

  17. Lizzie: Yes, when he was getting a massage from a man. Obviously, that would be awkward. But this, I never thought would be. "A man... gave me... a... haircut."

    Lass: I too am beginning to think these things only happen to me. And we'll just pretend you didn't type that last sentence.

    Oh crap! I just thought of something. Maybe I have the kavorka!

  18. This reminds me of that Friends episode where Chandler goes to Joey's tailor and well...there was definite "cupping". When Chandler tells Joey about the experience, Joey defends the tailor saying "That's just how he measures" Chandler agrees stating that "yes, that's how they measure...IN PRISON". EWW. And Yes, Lizzie it did happen to George. It was the massage episode.

  19. Oh yes, I remember that Friends! Thanks for bringing that one to mind, Sallwood. Had me just about laughing out loud here at work.

  20. Haha. Sorry to laugh man, but that is too funny. Better luck next time hey?

  21. this is too funny bone. im sorry you were so uncomfortable. how would he not feel that?? maybe he thought your arm was the arm rest, possibly? hopefully? i almost didn't read this post because it was a hair-cut experience, but this proved to be a really hilarious story, basically because you are such a good story teller. I love your little add-ins like NAW. Much better than just saying a couple of mothers...

    and lifehouse rocks my world

  22. Jen: Yes, next time. If I ever get my haircut again.

    Crys: Hmm, perhaps he did think it was the armrest. I don't know. And I wasn't about to ask. And I'll try to include more add-ins in future stories for you ;-)

  23. HaHaHa. I don't know what salons you go to, but the girls that cut my hair don't generally end up rubbing up against me. Maybe it's just that they think you're hot or something. :)