Monday, January 30, 2006

That flash before your eyes thing

Reports of my demise are greatly slightly exaggerated...

This is the blog entry that almost wasn't. From the blogger who still is. After the accident that almost did. But somehow didn't. Got that?

My Friday night was just starting. I was on my way to shoot pool around 7 PM. I had just turned north onto Danville Road from Moadus when it happened. Or almost happened. Now, although an ASCII diagram would probably be better to illustrate my story, I'll just try and use words to describe it. Actually, what would be really cool would be if I had one of those NASCAR in-car cameras and could just stream the video online for you. Not that I know how to stream video. But anyway...

Danville Road is five lanes at this point. For the purpose of this story, I have numbered the lanes 1 thru 5, from west to east. The two southbound lanes are lanes 1 and 2. Lane 3 is the turn lane. And the two northbound lanes are 4 and 5. I am in the far right lane, from my vantage point, lane 5. I had just passed two slower cars to my left, in lane 4. And I would guess that I was going 45-50 mph at this time. It's hard to say, since I don't often do a speedometer check. As evidenced by my four traffic tickets (although only two were for speeding) and a few warnings. But, I digress.

The next series of events takes place in the span of probably ten to fifteen seconds. Just as I get past these two cars, a large white truck no doubt carrying some idiot rednecks pulls out right in front of me from one of the side roads to my right. It is apparently turning left to go south. But I guess the driver sees me and then just stops, but is completely blocking my lane. I don't have time to stop.

I think about my fish. Who will feed Pablo when I'm gone? Who will dance for him?

My instinct and only option is to swerve into the other lane to try and avoid the truck. Somehow I manage to do that. But I quickly realize that the sharpness of the turn coupled with my speed has my car on the verge of being out of control. I try to correct, but it's too late. The back end of my car is coming around to the right. And I start to skid down lanes 3 and 4.

I think about Frolf. And how even if I live, I might be mangled and never be able to play.

It is at this point that I think of the one and only thing I remember from Drivers Ed: Steer into the direction of the skid. So I do. But I overcorrect. Now the rear of my car comes around to the left side, and I am sliding drivers-door-first down a fairly busy street at 7:00 on a Friday night.

I think about 24. And how I'll never know if Jack gets Walt. And will Chloe ever trust men again? And what about the first lady. What's going to happen to her?

Now, not only am I skidding drivers-side-first down lanes 4 and 5, but my car also seems to be slowly veering towards the curb. Which also means road signs, mailboxes, and utility poles.

I think about my blog. Who will let my blog friends know I'm gone? Then, I think that over time, everyone will leave many comments asking if I'm OK. And then when someone finally posts a comment letting everyone know what happened... it would be my most-commented post ever!

I have already begun steering the other way, into the direction of this skid. Suddenly, my car turns all the way around, doing a complete 180, and coming to rest. At last. Except that as it spun around, it crossed the entire highway and has come to rest in the middle of lanes 1 and 2. So at this point, my car is stopped, pointed towards the west side of the road. Right in front of oncoming traffic! I look up to see cars in both lanes bearing down on me!

I think about the things that have flashed thru my mind. My fish. Frolf. 24. My blog. If these are the first things I think of, what does that say about my life? Maybe I should just sit here. Close my eyes. And see what happens.

Anyway, back to the story. Again, all this happened in the span of maybe fifteen seconds. So I look up and see two sets of headlights coming towards me as I'm sitting still. Fortunately, my car is still running. So I do the only thing I can think of. I cut the wheels all the way to the left and I lloor it. Amazingly, no one hits me. And I don't hit anything. I turn into the first place I see, which just happens to be a church parking lot. I stop the car. My hands are shaking. I just sit there for a moment to recover.

OK, I didn't really think about all those things. Actually, I think pretty much my only thought was: Don't die, don't die, don't die. Because living is good. And dying... not as good.

I never saw the white truck again. In retrospect, I was just thinking, there had to be several witnesses to the "wreck that wasn't." Wonder how one would go about getting in touch with such people. Because I would give anything to meet the driver of that truck.

You know, just to let him know that I'm OK ;-)

"My friends all grew up, and they settled down. In nice little houses on the outskirts of town. They work in their office. Tnd drive SUV's. They pray for their babies, and they worry 'bout me..."


  1. You were SO lucky.
    I am beyond relieved that Bone is still among the living.

    And can't get Aerosmith's "Living on the Edge" out of my mind right now, for whatever reason.
    Possibly because you didn't use lyrics at the end, and this kinda fits.

    You can't die before I ravish you.
    I forbid it.

  2. ggI'm glad you're ok.

  3. Every single time I come home to Alabama some redneck in a big ass truck will pull up to the side of the highway, look to see when it isn't clear, and then pull right out in the lane that I'm in. He'll go maybe 5 mph to my 70 mph. Oh, the other lane will always be COMPLETELY CLEAR, but he'll pick my lane and pull RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. I love the way that idiot just stopped and sat there, waiting for you to T-bone him in the driver's door. Apparently he was waiting for God? He wouldn't been killed, and he wouldn't deserved it.

    Anyway, great post. Just think, if that hadn't have happened you wouldn't have had it to write about! Woo hoo!

  4. OK, I don't know what's the deal with the blog, but both places that have "wouldn't" I actually wrote "would've." I have no idea what changed it. That has never happened before. Weird.

  5. I'm surprised that no one who saw the almost wreck didn't come over to where you were to ask if you were okay.

  6. Oh, and I'm glad you're okay.

  7. Would have haunted your blog; and figured out someway to find out what happened to you

    I'm known for my eulogies; my number one "google search" is "funny funerals"

    Blog life would have been much boring without Bone--that wouldn't have been the eulogy. Would have been heart felt and funny

    But I'm glad that I didn't have to write it

  8. Meghan: "You can't die before I ravish you. I forbid it."

    Well, at this rate, you'd better hurry ;-)

    Lindsy: Thanks. Me too!

    MemphisSteve: Haha. Welcome to Alabama. Be sure to stop off at the Welcome Center for your free NRA and "W" bumper stickers. Actually, I had a wreck in Memphis one time... Another story for another day. Maybe.

    And yes, shortly after I stopped shaking, I was thinking, "Well, at least I have something to blog about."

    Xinh: Yeah, while sitting in the church parking lot, I sorta was thinking someone might actually stop. Oh well. Guess not.

    Pia: A simple heartfelt blog entry on each and everyone of your blogs which stayed at the top for exactly one week would have been enough :-)

  9. I'm soooo glad you're OK Bone! I couldn't go a day with out my little bit of little nibbler! Damn Rednecks...

  10. GOOD GRIEF!!! Thank goodness you are okay and you had the good sense to tell us about it too. :)

    I hope those red-necked f*^#rs felt bad...but evidently they didnt' feel bad enough to stop to see if you were okay. Idiots.

    Again, glad you're okay.

  11. Well goodness, how much more hurried can I get???
    I can only do so much on my own.
    I'm only one woman.

  12. wow. im so glad you are okay mr. bone. the (blogger) world would be lost without you :)

  13. Lass: Thanks. It reminded me that no matter what you do or how safe you are, you can't control what someone else might do.

    Chickadee: I was thinking if I caused someone to go careening out of control, I think I would apologize and make sure they were OK. I dunno. Maybe they were afraid.

    Meghan: I'm just sayin'... I'm doing all I can to stay alive over here :-)

    Crys: Thanks. And I concur.

  14. Geez Bone, that's one scary story! I'm so glad that you are (physically) o.k. and a man after my own heart. I drive too fast for my own good as well.

  15. Lucky for all of that you're OK! Particularly for yourself, I guess! :)

  16. larsonbuckeyefans1/31/2006 09:16:00 AM

    Bone lives.....I've seen it all driving in Columbus, Ohio.Rest assured idiots are everywhere and sometimes they drive Escalades.Try driving in West Columbus to the Kroger to get game day supplies 2 hours before Buckeye kickoff-whew,that'll get the old blood pumping.And by the way Bone,just so you know-I am one of those chicks who is passionate about football and know what I am talking about.

  17. They were Nazi skinheads! Teenagers Bone! And they started chanting and chasing you and George was amazing and dodged in and out of lanes of traffic and narrowly escaped death. And just in the nick of time he flashes the Van Buren Boys sign and they instantly relent. Oh, and then he hit a pothole and now it's making somekind of noise.

    Glad to see you made it, and that you were kept safe.

  18. Carnealian: I think this should at least have made the Blog Herald or something. Ending with, "Bone escaped the incident unscathed."

    Uisce: Well, yes, luck. Combined with my mad NASCAR-level driving skillz. Or... just luck.

    Buckeyefans: Yeah, I can imagine. I know how game day is in Tuscaloosa. What about baseball? Reds or Indians?

    Sallwood: OK, actually, I decided to follow the truck and was going to confront them. Followed it over the bridge. When it stopped, the driver turned out to be a girl. A cute girl. So I asked her out instead :-)

  19. Did anyone stop to see if you were okay? I can't believe you made it out of there without getting hit. Way to be a good defensive driver! I would never have thought to turn into the skid. I probably would have covered my eyes and screamed.

  20. I'm so glad to see that you're's the car? I would have been screaming (I was in my near death experience...skidding down icy hill in path of big rig!)

  21. Who would dance for your fish?! That is so funny! "Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming."

  22. Jeez - glad you're ok. That was enough excitement for a Fri. night, eh? You're lucky you didn't "shart" yourself.

  23. Krista: No, no one stopped. I don't think I screamed or said much of anything. It all happened so fast. It was all instinct and reactionary.

    Renee: Thanks. I probably need to have the car checked out. Even though I didn't hit anything. There was a lot of skidding and braking, and the car traveling sideways down the highway can't be good for it.

    Mappy: Haha. I like that of the entire post, you picked out that part. That was my favorite part, too. I dunno, I just dance for him sometimes. You don't do a silly dance when no one else is around? There's no reason behind it. Kinda like when I go downstairs wearing socks, I'll run and slide across the kitchen floor. And eventually one day, I'm sure I'll fall and hurt myself.

    Tenacious One: Yep, that was enough excitement for the entire weekend.

  24. Oh, I dance. All the time. While on vacation my man was getting ready, and he comes out of the bathroom in the hotel room to find me dancing on the balcony overlooking the ocean, tv cranked up to Kanye's "Now I'm not saying she's a Gold Digger" it.

    I will never slide on the floor in my socks again after busting my ass when my dad 'accidently' used pledge on our tile floor to dust. Danger!

  25. Hey Bone, just letting you know I'm back up. Stop in for a visit at My favorites are already linked in.

  26. Obviously, even though it was quite traumatic, it's nothing a little Super Mario Bros 2 couldn't fix! LOL Rock on. "Squat down so you can jump really high" ROFL.

    On the next show, we'll have to discuss bad drivers.

    Dangit... I still need to post the show we did 3 weeks ago!!


  27. OH yeah, I just checked our stats... it was the best month ever for "The Jeff and Kyle Show"... or also called, "The Bone and Java Show" Whichever... we had over 1600 downloads!!

    Totally awesome! Thanks you guys!


  28. Everyone DOESN'T dance around like a seizure victim???
    I thought that that was a requirement to be part of the human race?

    I can't count the amount of self inflicted injuries I've sustained while dancing like an idiot . . . alone.

  29. Mappy: Ouch! Yes, that Pledge is slick. Get down girl. Go 'head, get down.

    Sallwood: I will check you out and link you. Thanks for letting me know :-)

    Kyle: I have no idea how you remember every single detail about those games. Well, perhaps I have some idea :-)

    Meghan: That's what I was thinking. I also sing silly songs that I make up when I'm by myself. Sometimes it's like a rap. But I really have no street cred.

  30. OMG! So glad you weren't hurt! How scary.

  31. I'm from there, right there where you are right now. But they never gave me any NRA stickers or Ws. They just always demand to know if I'm for Auburn or Alabama and if I don't give the answer they want then they attack me.

    I like me some Florida Gators, by the way, so you can imagine how painful my life was before I moved.

    And forget what I said about "wouldn't" and "would've" because I think only one of them was wrong. I'm just drunk right now as I run this Nuclear Power Plant. Coming to Scottsboro any time soon?

    Kidding. Just kidding.

  32. Courtney: Thanks. Hey, it makes a good blog entry :-)

    Memphis: Yeah, if you were for Florida, then good riddance :-) But hey, it's better than Tennessee. Or Auburn.

    Weird you mentioned Scottsboro. When I got home today, there was a City Confidential on A&E about the Scottsboro snake handler story.