Where do you prefer it?

"We like women. We want women. But that's pretty much as far as we've thought. That's why we're honking car horns, yelling from construction sites. These are the best ideas we've had so far." - Jerry Seinfeld, I'm Telling You For The Last Time

Dig, if you will, the picture...
A lone runner strides around a track, just before dusk, circa 2005. The track runs the perimeter of a local park. The runner sees a female approaching from the opposite direction. He has seen her here before. She also runs. And possesses many of the qualities prized by superficial man. They exchange smiles and a breathless "Hi" as they pass. A short time later, they both arrive back at their cars at the same time, thanks to some clever planning and a well-timed cool-down walk. What happens next?

This post was born from my convenience store post, and several of the comments which followed. I was a little freaked out that the clerk at the store asked me out. Then a few of you gave examples where you experienced something similar, and were also a bit freaked out.

At the track, I have been faced with this scenario several times. I think to myself, first of all, she's cute. Second of all, we have at least one thing in common. Then I always question whether or not it is appropriate. I mean, there are times people just want to be left alone, right? Plus, I have an acquired aversion to mace. So where is it OK to meet someone?

And let's not even count clubs. We all know about that. Besides, most of us can all pick up a less-than-sober femme. One problem with that is that once she sobers up, i.e. the next day, more times than not, she's not quite as enamored with you anymore. On the other hand, I am sure there are places that are definitely off-limits for such activity. Funerals, the gynecologist... "Say, this baby will be out in two more months, and you'll be looking slim and trim again. Wanna have dinner next February? Can you get a sitter?" Not apropos, I'm guessing?

Meanwhile, as I recently discovered, the grocery store seems to be a good place to meet girls. There are lots of aisles, therefore more chances to bump into each other. Lots of squeezing and feeling going on in the produce section. Or maybe I just think it's a good place because there is almost always a very favorable female-to-male ratio there.

And don't forget about my friend who was kissed by her pest control guy. And what about work? Dating co-workers, an employee, your boss or supervisor? Off-limits, awkward, or OK?

Was chatting with another friend the other night. I mentioned how I find it odd that so many people are looking for someone, yet... so many people are still looking for someone. Make sense? And she mentioned how there are so many thousands of people on singles sites and dating sites, but where are they in the real world? Do they all just stay inside in front of the computer all day everyday? Well, a good number do, I'm sure. In their Mom's basement. But most of them live somewhat normal lives. They work, they go to school, they run, they walk, they shop.

So I'm asking ladies, because while the Seinfeld bit I quoted is humorous, there is quite a bit of truth to it. Where to you prefer to be asked out/hit on? I would like to hear your thoughts and ideas on the topic. And what places and situations would make you feel awkward?

RSVP. My clock is ticking. Until then, I'll be over in fruits and vegetables feeling melons...

"We were walkin' 'long the ocean, together hand in hand, when I stopped to write I love you in the sand. When I looked up you were standin' ten miles out to sea. In a sweat, I woke up from that crazy dream..."

Thursday Thirteen #2

Thirteen Things from the mind of Bone...


1. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only guy on the face of the planet who does the Thursday 13.

2. I went to K-Mart last night to look for a Festivus pole, but I didn't find any. Someone told me they'd seen them there, but now I wonder if they were just yanking my chain.

3. The Festivus poles online are like $40 plus shipping.

4. To me, that in itself goes against the anti-commercialization premise that Festivus was founded upon.

5. I think the party will be interesting. I have different groups of friends that are pretty much kept separate. This will be the first time they're all together. Worlds will be colliding.

6. Tuesday night, I watched more TV than I have in a long time. I watched A Charlie Brown Christmas. Then that new show about the female President. That was pretty good. Then the General Hospital replay on SoapNet. Then Seinfeld on TBS.

7. It was "The Gymnast" episode of Seinfeld. George's girlfriend's mother catches him eating out of the trash can. Then he comes out of the bathroom with his shirt off in front of everyone, because "it frees me up, no encumbrances."

8. I like to feel unencumbered as well, but that's all I'm going to say about that. Anything more would probably be way TMI.

9. I nicked myself shaving yesterday. Was chatting with someone about that this morning. Is it really the best idea to shave first thing in the morning? I mean, I'm barely awake, I'm stubbing my toe, bumping into doorways... Yeah, seems like a good time to run a sharp blade back and forth several times just millimeters from my jugular.

9. I bought Martha Stewart wrapping paper and a pack of candy canes at K-Mart last night. My only Christmas purchases thusfar this year, besides my Christmas cards. Which I still haven't addressed, by the way.

10. The bathrooms are still out of order at work. Random insert: Since the last time I um, released, I've had 16 ounces of chocolate milk and 12 ounces of Mountain Dew. I've been going home everyday at lunch just to evacuate my system.

11. I wish it would snow here. A lot of bloggers are writing about it snowing. I wish it'd snow enough here to make a snowman and snow cream. Does anyone else know what snow cream is?

12. I have been looking online for jobs in Nashville and Dallas this week, for some reason.

13. I would love to write for a living. Not sure I could ever write a novel. But perhaps a column. Or short stories.

Links to other Thursday Thirteens!

1. Jennifer
2. Jen
3. Sallwood
4. Coyote Mike
5. Interstellar Lass
6. TC
7. Renee
8. (leave your link in the comments, and I'll add you here!)

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It's easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

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"I don't know the answer to the easy way she opened every door in my mind. But dreamin' was as easy as believin' it was never gonna end. And lovin' her was easier than anything I'll ever do again..."

My Kingdom for a Throne?

I hope you all made it through the big blogspot outage last night OK. Early reports include only a few scattered suicides. Although quite a few computers were destroyed beyond repair. It served as a reminder to me to back up my stuff. Sitting there last night, without any blogs to surf, I was really feeling confused and disoriented, like a little boy waking up in the morning at Neverland. I tried to remember what I did before blogs. Ended up going to bed around 10:30, earlier than I have in months and months.

Someday I might be married. Someday I might have kids. But at 4:30 yesterday, I was standing at the ironing board, dressed in boxers, socks, and a long-sleeved black shirt that I'd worn to work. And those things seemed a million miles away. So I began to ponder, why is the ironing board tapered on one end? I never use the small end. Always the wide end. I mean, you can't slip a pant leg on there. I don't think. Someone later told me that it was for the shoulders of shirts or something. Really? It's hard for me to grasp that the entire ironing board design was altered just so that our shoulders wouldn't be wrinkled. Why not include a couple of extendable prongs on the wide end that we can slip a pair of pants on, and iron them more easily? I detest ironing. I find it tedious and painstaking.

Yesterday morning at work, there was water standing in the front office. I thought the roof might have leaked, as it is prone to do here in the compound. Turns out one of the toilets was leaking. Ugh. We have two bathrooms at work, so the secretary told me that the right one was leaking, so we could only use the one on the left. Then around 1:00 yesterday afternoon, she comes in and tells us that it turns out the line is stopped up outside, so we can no longer use either of the bathrooms for the rest of the day. As she told us, I was just finishing the Mountain Dew I'd had with lunch. As I screwed the top on it, I said, "Well I guess I'll save my bottle then." The ladies got a big laugh out of that. The restrooms are still out of order today!! Such is life here at Branch Davidian East.

Got into a conversation last night with a female about this topic:
Me: "Women can't pee into a bottle, can they?"
Her: "No."
Me: "So you have no control over it?"
Her: "No, it just goes everywhere. Have you never seen a woman pee?"
(Aha! Let's see you stand and not hit the seat.)
Me: "Only on the internet."
Her: "On the internet?"
Me: "I'm kidding."
Her: "That's why when we have to pee in a cup at the doctor's office, it always gets on our hand."
Me: "You can't just stick the bottle right up to where it comes out?"
Her: "I'm not really sure exactly where it comes out."
Me: "Really?"
Her: "Maybe if it was one of those wide-mouth Aquafina bottles. Hey, do you want to hear a really horrible story that I've never told anyone?"
(Now who's gonna say no to that? Nah, keep it to yourself!)

So, ladies, I must say that from what I know, I've come to the conclusion that when it comes to urinating, men definitely have the advantage. The only advantage I see to being a woman in this department is that all your stalls in public restrooms are divided. Well, as far as I know anyway. So give us our due. You may be the fairer sex. OK, let's face it, you are. By far. You're better at asking for directions. Better at matching socks and just matching outfits in general. Probably better at remembering dates and such. You look much better in lingerie (although this guy might not think so). And I'm sure the list could go on and on.

But today I must stake this claim. Men are number one, when it comes to... well, number one.

One day I shall look back upon this post with great pride, I am sure. Right now, I have to go. No, I really have to go...

"All I want to do is see you again. Is that too much to ask for? I just want to see your sweet smile, smiled the way it was before..."

Festivus At Bone's!

When the search words on your website stats begin to include things like "festivus the human fund card," "festivus feats of strength," and "festivus dinner," that can only mean one thing. That's right! You blog entirely too much about Seinfeld. Um, wait, no. That's not where I was going. That can only mean one thing... Festivus is not far away!

That's right fans of non-commercial, non-religious holidays. A Festivus for the rest of us is just around the corner. So get the aluminum pole out of the crawlspace, get those Human Fund cards ready to send out, and think of all the ways your family and friends have disappointed you over the past year. After all, that's what Festivus is all about.

And this year, for the first time ever, I will be officially celebrating Festivus. I am proud to present Bone's First Annual Festivus Party, Friday, December 23rd, 7:00 PM, at Bone's Bachelor Bordello, aka "the place to be." That's right. The wheels are in motion. I'm really gonna do it! And you're all invited! It's gonna be bigger than the Newmanium party! Although I think it's probably too late to book Christopher Cross. (OK, actually it probably isn't too late, but nonetheless.)

I am planning to hand out Airing of Grievance worksheets and Feats of Strength challenge cards at the door. I will begin the Festivus dinner by reading a short account of the origin of the holiday, including quotes from the father of Festivus, Frank Costanza. As of right now, I am planning on serving pizza for the Festivus dinner. I think that will suffice as a non-traditional holiday food. After dinner snacks will include Pez, Twix, and Junior Mints.

For entertainment, I will be showing "The Strike" episode of Seinfeld, which of course features Festivus. We might also be playing games, such as Scrabble ("quone"), Risk ("Ukraine is weak"), and Battleship (but you have to make the explosion sound when your ship gets sunk). Other possibilities include a rock-paper-scissors tournament. And if the weather isn't too cold, we might try to get up a game of frolf. (No, we're not gonna have a contest. Sorry. Maybe next year. I'll try to have a few Glamour magazines on hand.)

The celebration will end with a bang, as two lucky Festivites will participate in Feats of Strength. A friend was asking me the other day who will be taking part in the Feats of Strength this year. Well, that can't be determined until everyone fills out their challenge cards. But one thing is for sure, Festivus is not officially over until someone has been pinned!

I am planning on sending out my evites sometime this week. Email me if you need directions to my place. I am only really allotted two parking spaces, so if some of you could ride together, um yeah, that would be great. Please wear no clothing with Christmas colors in them. And there will be no singing of Christmas carols or other holiday songs. Unless Kyle gets drunk and starts singing the dreidel song again.

So whether you're a marine biologist or an architect, whether your a high-talker or a close-talker, whether you're fake handicap or just a phony, I encourage you all to join with Seinfeld fans from Del Boca Vista to The Hamptons in celebrating this great holiday this year. Would love to hear suggestions and ideas from those celebrating this year and those who have celebrated Festivus in the past.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go fill my freezer with my own blood...

"Swiss Colony beef log, baby, that's what Christmas is all about. Roly-poly Colony beef log, baby, makes a young boy scream and shout..."

The convenience store

Ah, the convenience store. Sometimes it seems like there's one on every corner. An American institution? Well, maybe not. But for rather small-sized stores, they do provide easy access to a wide range of products that consumers may want or need. Until today, I had no idea just what all they do offer...

Almost everyday, as long as I've been at my current job, I have stopped at the same convenience store in the morning. For the past several months, my regular purchase, everyday, has been chocolate milk, bacon biscuit, Mountain Dew, and/or a candy bar. With the candy bar, my total is $4.13. Without, it is $3.27. Also for the past several months, the same girl has been working almost every morning. We have never exchanged much more than typical greetings and tiresome pleasantries. Good morning, have a good day, etc.

Well this morning, I'm not sure if it was the Irish Spring I used in the shower or what, but the following conversation took place as I placed my items, sans candy bar, on the counter:

Her: "Are you married?"
Me: "No."
Her: "I didn't figure you were."
(Aofall, what the freak is that supposed to mean. But anyway...)
Her: "Do you want to be?"
(Uh, did she just propose to me? Or maybe she just wants to fix me up with someone else. It's way too early in my day to think about such things. I finally manage to say something...)
Me: "Uhhh... someday."

Then she walks over to the other lady who is working and mumbles something. They both look at me and smile. She comes back with this dreamy look in her eyes, and at this point, I'm fairly certain that it's her that is interested in me. She rings me up and the conversation continues:

Her: "4.13."
Me: "Uhhh, no. I didn't get a candy bar today."
Her: "Oh, I'm so used to you getting one. I'm sorry. Well, just come in and see me tomorrow and I'll give you your candy for free."
(I'm thinking, "You can't just take it off right now?" But at this point, I just want to say as little as possible and get out of there without being violated.)
Me: "Uhhh... OK. Sure."

And with that, I quickly left, before anyone had a chance to get down on one knee. I think she must have been drunk or heavily medicated. (Which, oddly, is usually the ideal time for me to pick up a girl.) I guess I gotta find a new store. I can't go back in there. They can keep the Mister Goodbar. It's not worth it.

Although I suppose it does add a whole new meaning to the term convenience store.

"See that girl with the red dress on? Some folks call her Dinah. Stole my heart away from me way down in Louisiana. Take me back to Tulsa, I'm too young to marry. Take me back to Tulsa, I'm too young to marry..."

Prime Cuts of Bone

"I need to tell you something, before you hear it from someone else."

An ex-girlfriend of mine said this to me the other day. Just out of the blue. I'm thinking, "Oh crap! What could it be?" My first thought was that she was pregnant. She's not. (Whew.) But really, when someone makes that statement to you, can it be anything but bad?

OK, so much for the random insert. In other news, Rick Springfield is returning to General Hospital. Thanks to Pia for the heads-up on that. Now on with today's entry...

Once upon a time in the vast annals of the blogosphere, a single, straight male from parts unknown began to blog. Armed with a rather expansive knowledge of song lyrics and an affinity for Seinfeld... Er, anyway, I have wanted to do this for awhile. So tonight I scanned thru my archives to find what I hope are some of my better posts. I'm planning to put a "Selected Posts" section on my sidebar linking to a few of these. Is it vain to do this? I think it's a good way for newer readers to get to know me. Also, for many months after I started blogging, I had just a few readers, and even fewer comments. So this is a way to reintroduce a few of those scarcely read posts. Here are some of the ones I'm thinking of including. A sampling of Bone, if you will:

Urinalysis (Oct. '05)
Little Mary Phagan (Oct. '05)
The Tradition (Aug. '05)
Unmelted Snow (Aug. '05)
When Two Become One (Aug. '05)
The Box (Aug. '05)
The First Girl I Ever Called (Jul. '05)
My Old Man (Jul. '05)
LaGrange (Jul. '05)
That City (Jun. '05)
Slow Down (May '05)
Opryland Historical Tours (Apr. '05)
Know When To Hold 'Em (Apr. '05)
Days Like This (Aug. '04)
Invaluable Moments (Jul. '04)
Friends and Doughnuts (Dec. '03)

OK, Charlize is on Letterman. So I'm off to watch her...

"So you stole my world. Now I'm just a phony. Remembering the girl, leaves me down and lonely. Send it in a letter. Make yourself feel better..."

The tin man

(Note: This entry is not about her. Just wanted to clarify that.)

"As for you, my galvanized friend, you want a heart. You don't know how lucky you are not to have one. Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable."

Some people have a problem opening up. Some stay emotionally detached. I used to feel sorry for those people. I used to think what a sad life that must be. But perhaps I am the one with the problem. It has almost always been easy for me to open up. To express my feelings. What's in my heart. Too easy, I'm beginning to think.

When you open yourself up, and allow someone else to come inside, there's almost no limit to the damage they can do. So I can understand all those people who don't let anyone in, who treat it all as just a game. I even tried that for awhile. I'm not sure if it was by choice, or some sort of defense mechanism. Probably a bit of both, but more the latter. I did that for a couple of years. I dated girls, but kept myself from getting attached. Then when something happened, it honestly didn't bother me.

I used to feel sorry for those people. I used to think how sad it must be to never feel. Now? I'm not so sure anymore. Maybe there was a time when they did open up. Gave everything they had. And lost it.

Now here I sit. Empty. Jaded. Doubting my own instincts.

When I looked at her, for the first time in my life, I saw the future. At least... I thought I did. It seemed so clear. So real. How can a heart be so badly mistaken?

I'd been wrong before. And I'm sure I'll be wrong again.

But I hope that I won't be that wrong anymore.

"We call them weak, who are unable to resist, the slightest chance love might exist. And for that, forsake it all..."

The vacuum monologues

Thanks to Pia for mentioning me on her site the other day. I only wish that I would've had a better post up for people to see if they clicked over :-) If you haven't read Courting Destiny, you should check it out. I love her tales of New York, past and present. And her writing is truly splendid. Now, on with today's entry...

I push the loud, unwieldy contraption across the carpet, taking care to run it over every visible piece of dirt, dust, and debris. Trying to complete the task as quickly as possible. I hate loud noises. Vacuums, lawn mowers, anything that is loud. When I was little, and Mom would start to vacuum, I'd go to another room or outside. I hate yelling. I like music loud sometimes. But that's about it. I see a piece of something over by the recliner. I run the machine over it once, twice, three times. It's still there. I reach down to pick up the stubborn item, as if it is purposely not cooperating. I examine it as if trying to decide why it won't "go," then inexplicably decide to toss it back on the floor and give the vacuum one more chance...

I really need help cleaning. Not cleaning so much. I can do (most) all the tasks. I just don't know what to do, or how often to do it. I noticed some dust the other day on the little baseboards at the bottom of the wall. I mean, how often do you clean those? What about the refrigerator? How often do you clean the inside of it? And dusting. Is it OK to dust shelves with a feather duster, or should I take all the items off and spray it with Endust everytime? (Lass, remember when you made this offer?) Someone should write a cleaning manual or something, sort of like a car maintenance schedule. Daily tasks, every other day, bi-weekly, weekly, monthly, etc.

"Any fashion, grooming, cooking, cleaning, courting, whatever advice you need, I'm happy to throw in my two cents." Lass, remember when you made this offer? ;-)

Got called into work Saturday, the only blip on an otherwise wonderful, relaxing weekend. Sitting around yesterday, I realized Bunny had been home from South Carolina all week and I still hadn't seen her. So I called her and we went out to dinner at Oh Bryan's. (If only it was always that easy.) We went by Wal-Mart, then I brought her back here to show her my place. That actually gave me motivation to clean yesterday. After that, I went to hang out with some other friends. Ended up not getting home until a little after 5:00 this morning. So it was a good night. Or a bad night. Depending on your definition :-) I really needed to unwind, and that sure was a lot of unwinding. Although I'd never played pool like that before ;-)

I can scarcely read thru a blog entry anymore that I'm not reminded of something from some episode of Seinfeld. Not sure what that means, and don't want to analyze too deeply. "The Wink" was on the other night. Kramer tries to get an autographed birthday card back from a little boy in the hospital. A few lines:

Kramer: "Alright. What if I tell Paul O'Neill to hit a home run tomorrow, just for you?"
Kid: "Paul O'Neill would do that?"
Kramer: "For you, he would."
Kid: "Would he hit two home runs?"
Kramer: "Two? Uh.. sure kid, yeah. But then you gotta promise you'll do something for me."
Kid: "I know. Get out of this bed and walk again."
Kramer: "Yeah, that would be nice, but I really just need this card."

(later)
Kramer: "Oh, by the way, George. Tomorrow night, Paul O'Neill has to catch a fly ball in his hat."

OK, just finished up my shrimp lo mein and egg rolls. Gonna put the leftovers in the fridge and maybe get in bed early. As I was telling someone earlier this evening, when I was a kid, I hated leftovers. Now, as a bachelor, leftovers are like sacred treasure. Then after I said that, I wondered what exactly is sacred treasure. Oh well. My fortune tonight? "A cheerful letter or message is on its way to you." Oh yeah? Well, it better be pretty freakin' cheerful.

"We cannot live together. We cannot live apart. That's the situation. We've known it from the start. Everytime that I look at you, I can see the future..."