Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Unmelted Snow

I suppose that most every couple has affectionate pet names that they call each other. Names like Honey, Baby, Sugar, and Sweetheart. And I am sure that she and I used many of those names and others during our days and nights together. But the one that stands out the most, and always will, is Sunshine. She could say, "Hey Sunshine" in her cheerful voice, ever so full of life, and it would completely illuminate my whole day, completely change my mood. "Sunshiiine," she would stretch it out in her sad, pleading voice, if we were fighting. And it would break my heart. And I could not ever really be angry with her for anything. It was always just silly stuff. Just making up stuff to be mad about. How sad and stupid and foolish that was. I know that I have and will use names like baby and sugar and sweetheart and darling time and again. But I will never call anyone else Sunshine. And I hope that she will not, either.

Two or three years after I lost her, I was leaving for work one cold February day. For some reason, I noticed a little patch of snow just by the side of the building. It was only a small area, maybe twenty square feet, at most. It had snowed two days before, and not much at that. As is typical in Alabama, it had been just enough to cover the tops of the cars and most of the ground. And it struck me as strange that this patch of snow was still here. For it was a sunny day, and all of the other snow had melted from the roads and the cars and the grass and the trees. It was gone. But here was this small bit that had survived the winter sun in the shadows on the north side of the building. And all at once, I had the thought that my feelings for her were like this unmelted snow.

Not supposed to be there.

Should have been gone by now.

But still, there it was. Hidden from most everyone. Almost entirely unnoticed.

Surviving in the absence of Sunshine...

"I keep seeing pictures now of me and her and those summer nights. My mind fills with her. Oh, but it's alright, cos I laugh everytime I start to think about us..."


  1. Yet again you have sent chills down my spine...

    I called The Man sunshine... didn't know anyone else did that to...

    Great minds... or just the same sad heart...

    Thanks, Bone.

  2. Hey that certainly hit home with me and a friend of mine. It is so hard to pull away from someone after you become so close to one another. It is the most "viscious" feeling of lonliness I have felt in my remembrance anyone!


  3. My kids are the sunshine in my life. My mom used to sing me a song, and I sing it to both my kids.

    You are my sunshine
    my only sunshine
    You make me happy
    when skies are grey
    You'll never know dear
    how much I love you
    Please don't take my sunshine away

    That's just the refrain. There's a whole song...and I just discovered it's one of the Louisiana state songs.

  4. I am very big into the little things, including pet names and such. And it so pains me to know how others use them so carelessly. I could have written this post. Only to have bittersweet feelings at the end, as I have discovered he shares my "little things" with someone else now. Nothing is sacred to some...

  5. If this girl is still living you need to contact her. You are too young to feel this is never too late. Call her! What is the worst she can say? At least you will have tried.

  6. oh this is so sad and so sweet you need to call her and talk to her and try to win her back its not right for you to go living your life so miserably alone i read your blogs everyday and you have such a heart and your so sweet and so caring and you care about your family and your friends and god and especially [ the girl ] call her and i grant you when you do your life will be changed for ever.bye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  8. i ditto jc and anonymous...of course only you know the full circumstances and know best. but you should really follow your heart on this one.

  9. That is the sweetest story. I have tears in my eyes, it's only 8:34 and my makeup is going to be ruined. No doubt someone will come to my desk shortly and I will have tears running down my cheeks.

  10. Listen to JC; she's one wise woman.

    and it's you who should be paid to write...well both of us.

  11. That's very, very well-written. And yes, for heaven's sake, contact the girl if you're able! Since you're obviously intelligent, and you look like a "taut, pre-teen Swedish boy" (I live in Sweden, so I know just what that looks like), I'm guessing women are often pretty excited to hear from you.

  12. Thanks, all. Those are some of the best comments. Very thoughtful. Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts and own experiences. Didn't mean to make anyone cry. She is definitely alive. But I have just tried to put it in the past.

    I may know the full circumstances, as Crys said, but I'm not so sure I know what is best. I have always felt an obligation to not interfere with whatever relationship she might be in now.

    I guess we all just do the best we can.

  13. i think you meant to make us all swoon over you with that post, hehe j/k

    on a serious note, from what i gathered from your comment, she may or may not be in a finding out is definitely not interfering at all. i think you should to put all our minds at rest over you.

    but again, don't listen to me, i know absolutely jack, as has been reiterated for me today.

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