Sunday, November 27, 2005

The vacuum monologues

Thanks to Pia for mentioning me on her site the other day. I only wish that I would've had a better post up for people to see if they clicked over :-) If you haven't read Courting Destiny, you should check it out. I love her tales of New York, past and present. And her writing is truly splendid. Now, on with today's entry...

I push the loud, unwieldy contraption across the carpet, taking care to run it over every visible piece of dirt, dust, and debris. Trying to complete the task as quickly as possible. I hate loud noises. Vacuums, lawn mowers, anything that is loud. When I was little, and Mom would start to vacuum, I'd go to another room or outside. I hate yelling. I like music loud sometimes. But that's about it. I see a piece of something over by the recliner. I run the machine over it once, twice, three times. It's still there. I reach down to pick up the stubborn item, as if it is purposely not cooperating. I examine it as if trying to decide why it won't "go," then inexplicably decide to toss it back on the floor and give the vacuum one more chance...

I really need help cleaning. Not cleaning so much. I can do (most) all the tasks. I just don't know what to do, or how often to do it. I noticed some dust the other day on the little baseboards at the bottom of the wall. I mean, how often do you clean those? What about the refrigerator? How often do you clean the inside of it? And dusting. Is it OK to dust shelves with a feather duster, or should I take all the items off and spray it with Endust everytime? (Lass, remember when you made this offer?) Someone should write a cleaning manual or something, sort of like a car maintenance schedule. Daily tasks, every other day, bi-weekly, weekly, monthly, etc.

"Any fashion, grooming, cooking, cleaning, courting, whatever advice you need, I'm happy to throw in my two cents." Lass, remember when you made this offer? ;-)

Got called into work Saturday, the only blip on an otherwise wonderful, relaxing weekend. Sitting around yesterday, I realized Bunny had been home from South Carolina all week and I still hadn't seen her. So I called her and we went out to dinner at Oh Bryan's. (If only it was always that easy.) We went by Wal-Mart, then I brought her back here to show her my place. That actually gave me motivation to clean yesterday. After that, I went to hang out with some other friends. Ended up not getting home until a little after 5:00 this morning. So it was a good night. Or a bad night. Depending on your definition :-) I really needed to unwind, and that sure was a lot of unwinding. Although I'd never played pool like that before ;-)

I can scarcely read thru a blog entry anymore that I'm not reminded of something from some episode of Seinfeld. Not sure what that means, and don't want to analyze too deeply. "The Wink" was on the other night. Kramer tries to get an autographed birthday card back from a little boy in the hospital. A few lines:

Kramer: "Alright. What if I tell Paul O'Neill to hit a home run tomorrow, just for you?"
Kid: "Paul O'Neill would do that?"
Kramer: "For you, he would."
Kid: "Would he hit two home runs?"
Kramer: "Two? Uh.. sure kid, yeah. But then you gotta promise you'll do something for me."
Kid: "I know. Get out of this bed and walk again."
Kramer: "Yeah, that would be nice, but I really just need this card."

Kramer: "Oh, by the way, George. Tomorrow night, Paul O'Neill has to catch a fly ball in his hat."

OK, just finished up my shrimp lo mein and egg rolls. Gonna put the leftovers in the fridge and maybe get in bed early. As I was telling someone earlier this evening, when I was a kid, I hated leftovers. Now, as a bachelor, leftovers are like sacred treasure. Then after I said that, I wondered what exactly is sacred treasure. Oh well. My fortune tonight? "A cheerful letter or message is on its way to you." Oh yeah? Well, it better be pretty freakin' cheerful.

"We cannot live together. We cannot live apart. That's the situation. We've known it from the start. Everytime that I look at you, I can see the future..."


  1. So what kind of pool were you playing?? ;-) Glad you had fun...Lord knows we all need it sometimes!

    I love leftovers for lunch. Love not having to make something in the afternoon, AND saving money :-) Good stuff!!

    Fun chatting with you tonight, most we've ever chatted!! Good times :-)

  2. Uhhhh, cleaning advice? Did I actually offer cleaning advice? I meant running. No, really. I love my Lysol wipes. 409 has a good de-greaser. When I dust I use the spray. Otherwise I think it all just goes up in the air. I don't do baseboards that often. Depends on how 'clean' you want to be! I typically notice when I look with the 'I'm a visitor' eye...then EVERYTHING needs to be cleaned from top to bottom and in a whirlwind I attack my house, then collapse, exhausted, about an hour before everyone is to arrive... :P You asked!

    A cheerful message eh? Um, you know you're supposed to add "in bed" to the end of all fortunes to make them real. heh heh heh. Who's Bunny?

  3. The "words" up for debate worked out well! I was feeding the cats when you asked the bi-weekly, biweekly question. Sorry!

    I try to make it a point to invite a housefull of people over. That's what motivates me to clean. Yea, the baseboards...they don't get cleaned very often. The cieling fan blades...when they get furry. Maybe I should hire a cleaning person.

    Today's my first day back at work...and I forgot I needed my car inspected before the end of Nov. That was my morning revelation. I need a personal assistant too!

  4. Arlene: I'll never tell ;-) Hope that you get well soon.

    Lass: "In bed" to all fortunes... got it! 409? We talking about cars now? ;-)

    Bunny = Lil Bootay = an old friend

    Carnealian: I think that is a good idea. Invite people over so that I will be sure to clean. The ceiling fan blades? They're not self-cleaning? I suppose I turn the fan "off" for that...

  5. I had a similar fear of leftovers until I realized that I had no money, so I best save what I had the evening before so I wouldn't starve.

    I hate vacuuming. Therefore I end up wearing slippers allover the house as opposed to just cleaning the floor.

  6. Uh thanks Bone, I'll try to put in uh a less self absorbed entry--well I had the flu--and I know I'm better when I look around and want to clean everything in sight

    I'm big on wipes also. Don't have carpeting so I sweep often

    But this weekend I read an article on the resurgence of bed bugs and believe that the New York Times is on a campaign to make me lose what's left of mind, because now all I can think about is possibly getting them

  7. When I need to clean, I just stand in the middle of the desired room and shout "Serenity Now!" - It does little to help, but I feel better, then dig in and just do it.

  8. I find a good "Cleaning Soundtrack" helps. In college, my roommate and I used to clean every Saturday to the Swingers soundtrack. It was my cleaning music.

  9. When you finish your cleaning...
    will you come and clean mine?

  10. Sir Bone,

    I have a french maid outfit I will be more than willing to make house calls in, in exchange for you assisting me with all of those hard to reach places...

    Thanks love,

  11. Heather: I hate vacuuming, too. Maybe I should just stop having company.

    Pia: Hmm, no carpet? That's genius! Oh, and don't let the bed bugs bite. (Bad joke?)

    Sallwood: Never underestimate the value of the Serenity Now relaxation technique!

    Tenacious: A cleaning soundtrack? I'm a little disturbed that this sounds like a really good idea to me. What am I turning into?

    Sherry: Ha. Good try. I've used that line on several people thusfar. Hasn't worked yet.

    OCG: I'm sorry, did you anything after "french maid outfit?"

  12. Never a carpet. Figured that out when I was forced to get wall to wall carpeting, had to be at work and they carpeted the bathroom

    It was horrible and yes don't let the bedbug's bite...well I've been saying it also ;-)