Tuesday, November 29, 2005

The tin man

(Note: This entry is not about her. Just wanted to clarify that.)

"As for you, my galvanized friend, you want a heart. You don't know how lucky you are not to have one. Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable."

Some people have a problem opening up. Some stay emotionally detached. I used to feel sorry for those people. I used to think what a sad life that must be. But perhaps I am the one with the problem. It has almost always been easy for me to open up. To express my feelings. What's in my heart. Too easy, I'm beginning to think.

When you open yourself up, and allow someone else to come inside, there's almost no limit to the damage they can do. So I can understand all those people who don't let anyone in, who treat it all as just a game. I even tried that for awhile. I'm not sure if it was by choice, or some sort of defense mechanism. Probably a bit of both, but more the latter. I did that for a couple of years. I dated girls, but kept myself from getting attached. Then when something happened, it honestly didn't bother me.

I used to feel sorry for those people. I used to think how sad it must be to never feel. Now? I'm not so sure anymore. Maybe there was a time when they did open up. Gave everything they had. And lost it.

Now here I sit. Empty. Jaded. Doubting my own instincts.

When I looked at her, for the first time in my life, I saw the future. At least... I thought I did. It seemed so clear. So real. How can a heart be so badly mistaken?

I'd been wrong before. And I'm sure I'll be wrong again.

But I hope that I won't be that wrong anymore.

"We call them weak, who are unable to resist, the slightest chance love might exist. And for that, forsake it all..."


  1. Oh Bone that's beautiful. You don't need a new life or a new TV show

    Well, maybe a new TV show

  2. There's always the danger of heartache or heartbreak. Whether it's because you get hurt intentionally or accidently. Love is not without it's pitfalls. It has the power to bring you to the highest highs and yet it also has the power to bring you to the lowest lows. For those that don't feel, true they never experience the hurt, but they also never experience the joy.

    Those of us that have these gentle, generous hearts experience both extremes. But I think we're luckier than those that don't feel at all. There will be a point when you're not wrong anymore. You'll be right and she'll be right.

  3. Under everyone's hard shell, is someone who wants to be loved and appreciated.

    I'm guessing that's really who you are.

  4. It sucks. Tis better to have loved and lost....so they say. Who said that anyway? (Some huge idiot who obviously didn't know what it is to have loved and lost.)
    When you figure it out - how not to be cynical - be sure to let me know. I'll be biding my time, avoiding those crazy romance movies.

  5. Each time I get hurt I swear I won't let it happen again. But then I realize, that as bad as it hurts when things go wrong, it still feels better when they're right. And I wouldn't want to never have the good times again.

    I hope you won't be wrong again too but don't let it stop you from putting yourself out there. Good things will happen.

  6. I don't think I could possibly have a relationship and treat it as a game. I always seem to get deeply involved so I always am the one that gets crushed. I should be used to it by now. But, that doesn't stop me from wanting to go out and find that person that won't break my heart. You have to know what it feels like to hit rock bottom so you know how good it feels to be back up top.

    Do you really think your jaded?

  7. Bone, great post.
    Close yourself down a LITTLE bit. Discovery is a good thing, let them discover. Hell, let yourself discover.
    If you're jaded, then you're just tired, because I will NOT accept sated OR cynically callous as definitions. Not for you.
    You will be wrong again. Sad but true. Sorry.
    You may even be THAT wrong again.
    But... For all that...
    You're ok. Really.

  8. Forget everything that Darkneuro said. You're really not okay.

  9. Pia: Thanks. This was kind of a tough one to write.

    Lass: Thanks. The extremes... you are right.

    Fly Girl: No hard shell here... as far as I know.

    Tenacious: "Tis better to have loved and lost....so they say. Who said that anyway?"

    Exactly. Someone I was chatting with actually brought that up last night.

    Lizzie: You're right. Such is life. I'll be back out there soon.

    Carnealian: I think the problems occur when someone who treats it like a game crosses someone who doesn't.

    Jaded? Perhaps we think the word means something different, but yes. A little jaded, for sure.

    Darkneuro: "Close yourself down a LITTLE bit. Discovery is a good thing, let them discover."

    I like that advice. Thank you.

    Buzz: Yeah, you're right. But I'm still single and virile :-)

  10. You can't say "I'm going to close myself down a bit" sorry it just doesn't work that way

    You've got to stay open because you never never know what's going to happen tomorrow

    And while it's nice to feel you can shut down partially, you'll shut down completely and then one day, ten or so years later wake up and think "what happened? I had a life, and now it's just me and my job and my duplex apartment."

    Life hurts Bone, but it's better than being among the living dead

    Saw people who ended up in the nursing home--okay 40 years later---just because once upon a time they slowly shut themselves off--and then they couldn't even take care of themsleves or could take care of themselves but had room for nobody else

    Anyway you're still single and virile

  11. You know what? Just knowing the type of person you are, I bet the first time she ever saw her future was when she looked at you.

    Things happen...Obstacles enter our lives, sometimes they are huge. It could be anything...Timing, careers, doubts and fears....

    Sometimes people truly don't realize what they have until they can no longer attain it. You know, I think that is what scares me the most about life, that when you finally realize what you truly want, it could be out of your grasp.

    I know how it feels to lose the grip on your "destiny". I literally feel every pain you speak of. All you can do is live life and pray your paths cross again. If thats what you want...

    You can't close up though, you have to remain open so that people can experience the wonderful Bone that you are. :-)

    "Baby, Baby, Baby when all your love is gone who will save me from all I'm up against out in this world? And maybe, maybe, maybe you'll find something that's enough to keep you..."

  12. Bone,
    Thanks for visiting my blog--much appreciated.

    I truly believe that things happen for a reason. It's possible you saw your destiny because you were ready to see it. Now, you know even more about what you want your life to look like.

    Before I met my husband, I was completely closed--because I thought I had found and lost the love of my life. When I finally found true love, it was so much better than I ever could have imagined. Everything and everyone before him were just experiences.

  13. Pia: I dunno. I can try.

    Old Friend: I've just always been one to pursue something I felt was worth pursuing, and let everything else in life fall in place after that.

    Spanky: "Now, you know even more about what you want your life to look like."

    You are exactly right. Thanks :-)