Monday, June 12, 2006
I love surprises
I must begin today by saying thanks to Dea for helping with my new banner. I took the picture and she mostly did the rest. Sometimes I try and imagine how thankful she must be that I have her email address and AOL screen name. Anyway, thanks Dea. It has gotten several compliments already. And just for that, I'll try and take it easy on you next time in Yahoo pool.

Reason #138 that I need to be married: So that someone will be there to stop me from going out the door in the morning to face the world looking like an idiot.

I remember when I was young and my Dad would wear one blue and one black sock. It wasn't a fashion statement, it was unintentional. I would think, how in the world does that happen? I'm beginning to understand.

I almost always wear a t-shirt under whatever shirt I'm wearing. And a couple of these t-shirts, as they're worn mostly as undershirts, are a bit ragged and/or have pit stains.

As I was walking into work this morning I realized that (1) I had forgotten to put on a belt and (2) I had forgotten to put on a shirt over my undershirt. It was like one of those scary underwear dreams. Except I did have my jeans on. And I wasn't at school. And I wasn't crouching in a corner covering myself.

After a quick scan revealed only minor level one stains, I briefly contemplated toughing it out with what I had on for the rest of the day. But decided that was no way to begin my week. So I went home and added the two forgotten items to my Monday outfit, magically turning "sloppy weekend loungewear" into "casual Monday." Who says you can't go home.

George: "I can't stand doing laundry. That's why I have 40 pair of underwear."
Girl: "You do not."
George: "Absolutely. Because instead of doing a wash, I just keep buying underwear. My goal is to have over 360 pair. That way I only have to do a wash once a year."


I went to CVS after work today. Bought a four roll pack of toilet paper, an eight pack of Reese's cups, and a twelve pack of Dr. Pepper. At Wal-Mart Saturday night, I bought a half gallon of skim milk, a twelve pack of Sun Drop, and some fish food. This, in a nutshell, is my life.

Why do things always come in threes, sixes, eights, or twelves? Why are there no eleven packs? Or seven packs? I think seven packs would be ideal. Especially for underwear. That'd be one pair for every day of the week. Or what about a 365 pack? Now that's a real underwear dream.

The weekend turned out to be much more eventful and exhausting than I anticipated. I received two surprise phone calls Saturday. My sister called around 11:00, as I was lounging in my underwear, having just finished my hot cakes and sausage from McDonald's. She invited me to go out on the lake on their boat.

We boated--is that what it's called--and swam whilst discussing such pressing matters as whether a grilled cheese sandwich or fried bologna sandwich would taste better at that very moment. I said fried bologna. She said grilled cheese. Sometimes I wonder how we're even related :)

Also on Saturday, I got a surprise call from an old friend. The only girl I've ever formally and soberly proposed to. Yes, her. The ex-fiancee. I really need to come up with a name to use for her on the blog.

She was in town and wanted to go out. In a rare occasion which can only be compared to all the planets aligning, I had no prior plans for the evening. We played putt-putt and had dinner. Writing my name below hers on that scorecard was like a ten year time warp to the past.

After that, we went and watched people singing karaoke. That's usually some good, cheap entertainment. The best are the people who seriously believe they are on their way to the top.

We were gonna sing a duet to "Love Shack" but the line was long and we left before it was our turn. That would have been interesting. Got home around 2:30. As always, it was good to catch up.

Oh, before I forget. I must give a shout out to the woman in the pleated khaki shorts, knee socks, and tucked-in faded maroon Duck Head t-shirt who sang Shania Twain's "The Woman In Me." I was feelin' ya, momma. Next stop, Nashville.

And also, two big hellos to the voluptuous female who was sitting across the table we were standing by, wearing a top that showed the outskirts of her areolar region. She kept offering me a seat. And at one point offered us all a full view of her 38 double-D's. Butros... Butros... Ghali!

I just love surprises.

"Huggin' and a-kissin', dancin' and a-lovin'. Wearin' next to nothin' cos it's hot as an oven..."
29 Comments:
Anonymous pia said...
Perfect post Bone.

Best use of the word "whilst,"

Think I'm with your sister on the sandwich thing

Yes you do need a name.

And I hate to break this to you, but mistmatched socks, if not seen is nothing compared to forgetting to wear a shirt. As you said, you remembered your pants. I would really worry then.

Blogger Xinh said...
I can go 3 months without having to launder my unmentionables before I start to run out. At 3 1/2 months, I'm completely out. And I know this because twice I went those lenghts without doing the laundry for those things.

However, I have since learned my lesson and have never gone that long since.

Blogger Crystal said...
That was super funny. Thank you for being my PBA.

Anonymous Grooviechick said...
That's like being a girl and forgetting to fix your hair before you leave. I would have gone back home too.

Just think, if you were married, you could buy 36 count boxes of tampons with your other stuff. Only a real man would do that for his wife though! ;o)

Blogger Blondie said...
Fabulous!

First, I always enjoy posts that reference anything sexual... you know me. ;]

Second, glad you got to hang out with your sis on the lake. Lake trips are soooo damned much fun.

Third, was it strange being around her again? Feeling anything now that you're past it?

Fourth, I've been doing that recently, too... leaving the house in an outfit that is really horrific.

A quote that matters nothing to this post:
That shirt is very becoming on you... then again, if I was on you... I'd be cumming, too."

Laugh, you love it..

Blogger Krista said...
Every time I go to a karaoke bar some drunk, tone deaf woman will get up on stage at some point in the night and sing "I Touch Myself" while rubbing her hands up and down her body. It never fails. This is why I hate karaoke.

Blogger Dea said...
You really went FICTIONAL after the word "imagine" in the first paragraph!!!

Blogger Bone said...
Pia: I guess that's the next step, huh? Walking out of the house in my underwear.

Come on, a fried bologna sandwich, just a bit of mayo, maybe some cold, crisp lettuce. Mmm.

Xinh: Wow, that's quite a collection you've amassed there :) I could probably go ten days. After that, I'd still have underwear, but they'd be uncomfortable, too small, or have holes in them.

Crys: I alert because I care.

Groovie: And suddenly we have reason #1 I don't need to be married :)

Bee-lond: First... um... not sure where to start. No, it wasn't strange. It was just... fun.

Krista: Divinyls! Classic. Seems like some lady always sings "No One Else On Earth" by Wynonna, whenever I go :)

Dea: Fictional, factual, is there really much difference?

Thanks again, Dea ;-)

Anonymous Jennifer said...
I have to ask. Did you pick up the aforementioned McDonald's breakfast in the aforementioned underwear? Usually, once the clothes go on me, they stay on for the day. I have been known to go through drive throughs in my PJs, but never in my underwear ;)

Blogger Renee said...
I started keeping a 3 week supply of underwear for everyone when I was in college...that way if things got crazy busy I would have two weeks back up.
Guess what, DH gets low on supply of undies...but he hasn't ever run out.

Glad that you had a good time with her and got to see some good karaoke. I'm with Krista though & the drunk woman touching herself...what's up with that? Of course it has been a very very very long time since I've been to see karaoke.

I should see if BIL can arrange us a trip out on his boat sometime. he co-owns it with a friend.

Must sleep now....

Anonymous sage said...
you just better make sure you get a woman that is up before you, and whose eyes are open, so that she can check you before you go out the door. Otherwise, when you come home at night, she'll ask, "Why did you wear that with that?" Good post.

Anonymous carmen said...
You have 138 reasons to be married? ha. I have two. 1) to kill the bugs 2) I can't say out loud. Oh and #3 - to have a date on national holidays.

It's nice that you could hang with your ex-fiance. Very grown up of you.

And if you'd like, you can take a picture each morning of your ensemble, and we can tell you if you match. :)

Blogger Bone said...
Jennifer: No, I threw on some jeans to drive to McD's. But they automatically come off almost as soon as I walk in the door. I can't remember when that started occurring, but it's been happening for awhile :)

Renee: Haha, a 3-week supply of underwear. I wonder if that's on those disaster emergency preparedness checklists.

And, I think the drinking and touching herself are closely related. Best I can tell.

Sage: That's true. I guess if I leave her sleeping peacefully in bed, I'm still prone to walk out in my underwear.

Carmen: That's funny. I remember dating a girl who said she needed a man around to kill bugs and change light bulbs.

I need to restore my summer wardrobe first. I ruined three shirts in the laundry a few weeks ago. Now they're all pink :-\

Anonymous InterstellarLass said...
Sounds like a most fantastic weekend! I haven't been on a boat in ages. Karaoke rocks!

There is absolutely nothing wrong with de-panting as soon as you arrive home. Comfort is of the essence and underwear is the ultimate comfort-wear!

Blogger ocg said...
I am with sis too, grilled cheese all the way...

Blogger ocg said...
PS- What is a "fried bologna"? Like lunch meat?

Def grilled cheese...

Anonymous surrenderdorothy said...
Butros Butros Gali, indeed.

Don't you know you aren't supposed to look directly at them? It's like the sun, a quick glance and then look away. Did she have a ketchup secret? Did you lose your pasta primavera?

Only one question about the undies. Um. Where do you store the soiled ones for a year without completely ranking up the place?


And yes, fried bologna on the boat. Grilled cheese is just wrong with lakewater.

Blogger Renee said...
Surrenderdorthy said "Only one question about the undies. Um. Where do you store the soiled ones for a year without completely ranking up the place?"

Oh my, I had not thought about that! That would get pretty ripe soon. I suppose if you were Kramer you could try stashing them in Jerry's place.

I haven't had that problem with 3 week supply... but the lady at the pet store did suggest that we put Lilly's bed in the laundry hamper so our scent would get on her bed and she would stop chewing it. She seems to have gotten over chewing her bed now without the icky laundry trick.

And Hey if Butros Butros Gali wants to show off, there's no harm in looking. At least she isn't running around in just her bra.

Blogger RedNeckGirl said...
Great Blog.....This post made me laugh out loud! I needed the laugh, thanks! I have been known to be that drunk girl touching herself....lol but my friends tell me i'm not tone deaf.

Blogger Heather B. said...
When I go get McD's I come home and change into these little pj shorts and a sweatshirt. If I'm going to die of a heartattack due to too much McD's, I might as well die comfortably.

Blogger Heather B. said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Blogger Ms.L said...
Thanks for sticking Love Shack in my head,it won't come out,lol but it's a big improvment from Bark at the Moon so I don't mind!

Mmmmm fried bologna.I've been craving a good sandwich.I like mine with lots of mustard.

I once stopped my hubby from going out the door in what we now affectionately refer to as a-shoe boot combo-,so it's true,wives are pretty useful sometimes!
I'm glad you were able to make such a good recovery:)

Blogger Bone said...
Lass: Another vote for no pants. Thanks :)

OCG: OK, you can't vote for grilled cheese if you haven't tried fried bologna.

It's bologna (pronounced in the South, buh-LOAN-ee). An Italian delicacy? :-) Fried in a skillet. Mmmmm.

Dorothy: A vote for fried bologna. Yesss!

I don't think she had many secrets at all :) And there was no need to trip over the table and check to see. They were real . And they were spectacular.

Renee: Yes, Dorothy raises a good point about the undie storage. Although I've found underwear I thought I had lost, like months later... uh.. nevermind.

I think BBG was just trying to get some good word of mouth going :)

Redneck Girl: Glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for stopping by :)

HB: Excellent point. Also, I'm at 33 and still going. So you should be good for at least another ten years. (He types as he takes another bite of his Oreo Sonic Blast.)

Ms. L: Hahaha. A shoe boot combo, huh? I feel like I have so much to look forward to.

And one of my hidden talents is getting songs stuck in people's heads.

Anonymous circe said...
That was hilarious Bone! I love the '2 big hellos' for Mz Areola. I must go listen to karaoke sometime. It makes for such blog fodder. (you give me the best ideas for posts, darlin)

hugs,
circe

Anonymous circe said...
Oh, and I love fried bologna! (obviously I did live in the south at some point) Haven't had it in ages but now I'm craving it.

And Love Shack is now stuck in my head.......*sigh*

Anonymous lindsy said...
I thought I commented on your blog earlier but maybe not.
I totally agree with you...FRIED BOLOGNA! It's the best in the summer.

Blogger Bone said...
Circe: Thanks darlin'. I'll do anything to get blog fodder. Had to nearly die for one of my more popular posts :)

Lindsy: After all this talk, I went to the grocery store tonight about bought some bologna. Came home and fried two sandwiches. Mmm!

Anonymous Z said...
You know, the more I read, the more I think I would really dig you if I knew you, knew you. and if I were single. ha.

You must get married. You'd make someone a lucky girl indeed. :)

Blogger Bone said...
Z: Thanks. I'd get old really quick, I'm sure :)

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