A conversation between the secretary and me, overheard this morning somewhere deep inside Building A at Branch Davidian East, also known as, where I work...
"Bone, I have a surprise for you. It's in my office."
I get out of my chair and follow her down the hall, my curiosity peaked. What could it be? A hot, new voluptuous college intern? Are they finally going to extend the doors on the bathroom stalls all the way to the floor for some real privacy? Maybe those men in black suits and sunglasses are here to talk to me again...
We get to her office and she points to a chair. In it I see the cutest little brown puppy ever lying in a cute little puppy bed.
"Aww, it's so cute!" I say, as I kneel to pet it.
"Rocky got it for me." Rocky, her husband. The puppy appears to be sleeping. Its stomach moving up and down as it breathes.
"What kind is it?" I ask. Softly petting its head, not wanting to wake it.
"It's a little Dachshund."
"Hmm. I've never seen one that small."
"I know. Ain't he cute?"
"I love it! Are you gonna bring it everyday?!" I ask hopefully.
"Yeah!" I'm very excited now.
"It's so cute!" I say, as I stand up to go back to work. Then I see the wicked, deceptive, evil smile on her face.
"It's not real."
She starts laughing, picks it up and turns it over. It's completely stiff. And flat on the bottom.
"Augh!!" I'm crushed. "I thought it was real," I speak almost pleadingly now, in a can-it-please-be-real tone.
"But... but... I was so excited!" Now I'm more like a child who's just been told there's no Santa.
"I was even afraid I was gonna wake it up!" I say, almost angrily.
Still more laughter.
Augh!!! They fooled me, Jerry. It's not being fooled that bothers me. I can take a joke better than most. It's just that my hopes were crushed, like a tiny ant by a heartless sledge hammer. I'm so disappointed. I wanted a puppy. It looked so real. Even now, I just went out to see it again. It's still "breathing."
On the bright side, I guess my role as office mascot is safe for a while longer. Oh, let's face it. There is no bright side. What kind of sick, demented person came up with the idea for a puppy who fake breathes?!
"Don't say you're easy on me. You're about as easy as a nuclear war..."