Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Just say no?

"I know less about women than anyone in the world. But one thing I do know is they're not happy if you don't spend the night. It could be a hot, sweaty room, with no air conditioning, and all they have is a little army cot this wide... you're not going anywhere." - George Costanza

I don't know a lot about women. I'm not sure any guy ever truly does. But I'm learning. And one thing I've learned is that in certain situations, when you are asked certain questions by certain females, the only wise and acceptable answer is most certainly not yes.

I refer to such situations as automatic no's. Let's look at a few common examples.

"Do you think I'm getting fat?"

Why do girls ask this? We're not saying yes. I used to actually ponder this question. Seriously. As if I might really say something other than no. I would not be sitting here today had I ever answered yes to this question. Besides, you should know by now, a woman's physical appearance is not that important to men.

Now I waste so little brain energy on this question that I'm able to spend it on more important matters. Such as, can they still do a Beverly Hills 90210 reunion? Or now that the cast is all over 40, would it just be sad? Why can't I hula-hoop anymore? I could when I was a kid. And whatever happened to the "other" dad on My Two Dads? I mean, he was good in BJ & The Bear.

How about this one. "Do I call you too much?"

Another automatic no. "That would be impossible, Honey" is also acceptable here. She could be calling twice an hour, all day, everyday, and I could be on the verge of putting a gun to my head and blowing my brains out everytime the phone rings, and I would still say no.

Why? Because I know that if I say she might be calling just a tad too much, there's a chance that eventually she might stop calling at all. I know, I know, that's almost kinda sweet, isn't it.

Here's another. "Do you think she's prettier than me?"

This reminds me of a Jeff Foxworthy bit from a few years ago. His reply was something like, "Lord, no. I just hate tall blondes with big breasts."

Those are all relatively easy automatic no's. Any man who wants to maintain a relationship with a woman, and live to see the sunrise in the morning, should already know these. Now let's turn our attention to some less common situations.

"Would you mind if I mowed the lawn this week?"

While it is difficult for a rugged mountain man like myself to admit, times they are a-changin'. So I cringe as I say no to this one. I might respond with something like, "Well, I definitely don't want us to get stuck in ancient male and female stereotypical roles. So tell you what, you mow the grass and take out the trash and I'll... stay inside and watch General Hospital... and take care of the kids... even though we don't have any kids."

There's also the increasingly popular "Would you be mad if I made out in front of you with my hot girlfriend?"

Sometimes it's best to dress up your "no" as if you're having a hard time deciding. For this one, I might go with a heavy sigh, followed by, "I guess not. The things I do for you."

It stands to reason that just as there are automatic no's, there are questions to which the answer is always yes. Questions such, "Do you like my family?"

I learned a long time ago that a girl can say whatever she wants about her family, call them every name in the book twice. But that doesn't give me the right to say anything that might possibly be construed as even slightly negative about them. It's her family. Not mine.

Here's a question I used to sometimes answer with a no, but have recently discovered it should be an automatic yes. "Are you watching this?"

I could be half-asleep, eyes nearly shut, drool running down my chin, potato chips scattered down the front of my shirt, hypothetically speaking. The ballgame having gone off and given way to a Two Guys, A Girl, and A Pizza Place rerun, and I'm still saying yes.

Because I know the second I say no, she's turning it to WE to watch Bridezillas, Lifetime for the Meredith Baxter Birney marathon, or worst of all, TLC to watch that baby show or that wedding show.

I've made that mistake before. Five minutes into A Wedding Story, my frail, pleading voice can be heard coming from the vicinity of the couch. "Uhh, honey? I thought you were mowing the yard this week."

"He just keeps on movin'. Ladies keep improvin'. Every day is better than the last..."


  1. Hey, you might learn something from TLC!

  2. "you should know by now, a woman's physical appearance is not that important to men"

    You are hilarious, Bone... but you're right, they totally agree.

    Being hot is so overrated...

  3. See, I disagree. I think that anyone that asks these questions should be prepared for an honest answer. Those silly games people play. Oh, and as to the do you mind if I make out with my hot girlfriend question? HA HA HA! Keep dreamin'... it'll never happen. Those letters are all fake!

  4. Oh Bone, that was terrific!!! And good advice for the guys, I might add.

    Um, I am the MowerQueen (see blog) and was thinking I may have to fess up to all the things I've beheaded on the mower. The list is getting lengthy. (I blame the Genesee)

    And I was in the $ Tree recently and reason left me and I bought a hula hoop!!! I, too, wanted to see if I could still do it and well, being a grown woman I didn't want to try it out right there in the busy store much to the consternation of onlooking shoppers. The problem is I bought the 'big' one. (did they come in 2 sizes? I don't recall...) Well apparently either I totally SUCK at hula hoop now, or I should have bought the small. Should I return and purchase a small one? What if they remember I was the nut that bought one just a week ago? *gulp* I may have to blog about this dilemna....


  5. Here's another. "Do you think she's prettier than me?" This reminds me of a Jeff Foxworthy bit from a few years ago. His reply was something like, "Lord, no. I just hate tall blondes with big breasts."

    Nope, the answer to that question is "I love you honey and I don't have a snowball's chance in hell with her."

    And I'm guessing that either DH doesn't want to step into the in-law trap or that he is crazy and really likes my family. You've read about the buffer zone, so you know how I feel about it. But DH doesn't care as much. We were talking about this and while realistically we know that Mom can't afford to live near us he says that he wouldn't mind if she lived say 45 min away...but he doesn't want daily visits.

    But when he met my father, he said he didn't know why I didn't like him. hummmmm.... Maybe I should re-evaluate my marriage.

  6. Even my roommates laughed at this one...

  7. lIt is my experience that men aren't terribly forthcoming with freeflowing compliments, it's not MANLY enough, so women ask these questions (stupidly) to get him to "open up."

    I'm thinking just stay closed up. If I've got to drag a compliment out of you, then ttthhhhbbbbttt. :)

    So that's my bit of Woman Wisdom to give to you today. Make her feel special and she won't ask the questions. Except when she's trying on jeans, where, inevitably, the "does my butt look big in these" question will arise. But there are two good answers. Your standard "no" and the "hell yeah, I like me some booty!" Though I'm ashamed to admit that the second one is an "acceptable" answer. Ha.

    Have fun in Florida!

  8. Groovie: I might, but I'll take my chances :) I prefer A&E and History Channel.

    OCG: Thanks for the link. I have a feeling that'll be blocked at work. But thanks nonetheless :)

    Lass: I don't see how it's productive for them to ask those questions, but if it helps their confidence or something, I'm all for it.

    You just had to crush that fantasy for me, didn't you?

    Circe: Sounds like you have the makings of an excellent blog entry to me. I don't recall them coming in two sizes either. Of course, hula hooping was more of a girl thing, I'm fairly sure.

    It's not like riding a bike, evidently.

    Renee: That answer would be acceptable as well. I generally have always liked the families of girls I've dated. But I've never had in-laws. I imagine that might be a bit different.

    Blondie: A growing number of my readers are now sharing Bone with their roomates. I like this trend.

    Carmen: Thanks. I (obviously) need all the woman wisdom and advice I can get.

    I plan on it! Sun, sand, and seafood.

  9. Remember Bone... don't order seafood unless you can actually see the sea from where you are sitting. And wear lots of sunscreen & hats...a sunburnt head or feet are the most uncomfortable places ever.

    I used to live in Tampa. I can never go home. (and not because of the restraining order ;o)

  10. Is it ok to comment to Circe here?

    I did the same thing!!! I was trying to hula hoop today and thinking I may go back and get the smaller one... I think it would be easier...

    Let me know what you do...

    Thanks for letting me use your space, Bone...


  11. We have hula hoops in our garage and I recently tried them out. I never was very good at the whole hula hoop thing.

    Bone - sometimes you amaze me with your wisdom! are farther along than some men can ever hope to be. Good post! It made me laugh.

  12. OCG, I think I may bite the bullet and go back and get the small one too. Heck, we are talking one buck here, it's not like I will be out loads of money for having picked the wrong size. I may get it this weekend so I will keep you posted!

    (bone, thanx for letting us discuss this in your comments. ;) )


  13. Renee: Well, maybe not the most uncomfortable place.

    I like, and agree, with your seafood theory. Seafood up here just ain't the same.

    Sorry you're not allowed to go back to Tampa.

    OCG: (heavy sigh) I guess... the things I do for you.

    Krista: Perhaps we should have a Blogger Hula Hoop Day. Try reading my blog to your roomates. That seems to be a popular thing these days.

    Circe: Let us know what you decide.

    Meanwhile, my comment section will from hereon be designated as a valid and acceptable space to send personal messages to the lovely Mz Circe :)

  14. Awwwwwwwwww, you are too good to me, sweetie. :)



  15. re: most uncomfortable place for a sun of DH's co-workers tried to spread a rumor that DH had met me at a nudist colony...and there is one in north Tampa...but we've never been.

    It's not that I'm not allowed to go back to's just that all of my family has moved away from there and my mom had a cow when we got a hotel room instead of staying at her house last time.

  16. Oh man.

    To think I made my hubby sit there and watch A Baby Story with me....

    Maybe I should go and mow the grass as an apology...

    Love it !

  17. Circe: I do what I can.


    Renee: Well, if you do ever decide to stay with your mom, just watch out for those sofa beds. They're murder on your back.

    M: If you hang out with girls long enough, I think every guy eventually ends up watching A Baby Story or A Wedding Story. At least once.