Just say no?

"I know less about women than anyone in the world. But one thing I do know is they're not happy if you don't spend the night. It could be a hot, sweaty room, with no air conditioning, and all they have is a little army cot this wide... you're not going anywhere." - George Costanza

I don't know a lot about women. I'm not sure any guy ever truly does. But I'm learning. And one thing I've learned is that in certain situations, when you are asked certain questions by certain females, the only wise and acceptable answer is most certainly not yes.

I refer to such situations as automatic no's. Let's look at a few common examples.

"Do you think I'm getting fat?"

Why do girls ask this? We're not saying yes. I used to actually ponder this question. Seriously. As if I might really say something other than no. I would not be sitting here today had I ever answered yes to this question. Besides, you should know by now, a woman's physical appearance is not that important to men.

Now I waste so little brain energy on this question that I'm able to spend it on more important matters. Such as, can they still do a Beverly Hills 90210 reunion? Or now that the cast is all over 40, would it just be sad? Why can't I hula-hoop anymore? I could when I was a kid. And whatever happened to the "other" dad on My Two Dads? I mean, he was good in BJ & The Bear.

How about this one. "Do I call you too much?"

Another automatic no. "That would be impossible, Honey" is also acceptable here. She could be calling twice an hour, all day, everyday, and I could be on the verge of putting a gun to my head and blowing my brains out everytime the phone rings, and I would still say no.

Why? Because I know that if I say she might be calling just a tad too much, there's a chance that eventually she might stop calling at all. I know, I know, that's almost kinda sweet, isn't it.

Here's another. "Do you think she's prettier than me?"

This reminds me of a Jeff Foxworthy bit from a few years ago. His reply was something like, "Lord, no. I just hate tall blondes with big breasts."

Those are all relatively easy automatic no's. Any man who wants to maintain a relationship with a woman, and live to see the sunrise in the morning, should already know these. Now let's turn our attention to some less common situations.

"Would you mind if I mowed the lawn this week?"

While it is difficult for a rugged mountain man like myself to admit, times they are a-changin'. So I cringe as I say no to this one. I might respond with something like, "Well, I definitely don't want us to get stuck in ancient male and female stereotypical roles. So tell you what, you mow the grass and take out the trash and I'll... stay inside and watch General Hospital... and take care of the kids... even though we don't have any kids."

There's also the increasingly popular "Would you be mad if I made out in front of you with my hot girlfriend?"

Sometimes it's best to dress up your "no" as if you're having a hard time deciding. For this one, I might go with a heavy sigh, followed by, "I guess not. The things I do for you."

It stands to reason that just as there are automatic no's, there are questions to which the answer is always yes. Questions such, "Do you like my family?"

I learned a long time ago that a girl can say whatever she wants about her family, call them every name in the book twice. But that doesn't give me the right to say anything that might possibly be construed as even slightly negative about them. It's her family. Not mine.

Here's a question I used to sometimes answer with a no, but have recently discovered it should be an automatic yes. "Are you watching this?"

I could be half-asleep, eyes nearly shut, drool running down my chin, potato chips scattered down the front of my shirt, hypothetically speaking. The ballgame having gone off and given way to a Two Guys, A Girl, and A Pizza Place rerun, and I'm still saying yes.

Because I know the second I say no, she's turning it to WE to watch Bridezillas, Lifetime for the Meredith Baxter Birney marathon, or worst of all, TLC to watch that baby show or that wedding show.

I've made that mistake before. Five minutes into A Wedding Story, my frail, pleading voice can be heard coming from the vicinity of the couch. "Uhh, honey? I thought you were mowing the yard this week."

"He just keeps on movin'. Ladies keep improvin'. Every day is better than the last..."