Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Broken

Sitting across the table from her, looking into her sad eyes, I realized something. She's broken.

She talks of seeing happy couples. And why she never found that person who'd give his everything to make her happy. And all I can do is listen. I had my chances. I let her down.

She's built a wall. It's high. And solid. I couldn't tear it down if I tried. After all, I'm the reason she started building it in the first place.

She's jaded. Disillusioned. She's poured herself out. Given everything she had. Because that's how she thought it was supposed to be. And what does she have to show for it? Emptiness. Scars. Memories of tears. Questions. And no answers.

And all I can do is apologize. For the hundreth or thousandth time.

If I could, I would go back to where it all started going bad. Correct every mistake. Take back every hurtful word. Erase every ounce of pain. Undo every wrong. And make it right.

I would take away the tears and the disappointment. And fill her days with nothing but love. Pure. And true. Leaving no room for doubt. If I could, I would. But I can't.

I can't undo the hurt. I can't go back in time. I can't take back a single word that was said. Oh, how I wish I could. As I drift back to the moment at hand, I realize the sadness in my eyes now matches hers.

I broke her. And I'd give everything I've ever had to be able to put her back together. But I don't know how.

I broke her. But I can't fix her.

If I could, I would.

I swear.

"I'd pick up the pieces. But some scattered too far. You see, they flew when I kicked them..."

21 comments:

  1. I often wonder if those first few huge broken hearts never happened, how would the present be different. Would I be willing to let my heart get involved more easily? But then I find out that yet again someone else surprises me by not meeting the seemingly simple expectations that I had of him, and I begin adding another layer of bricks to the fortress being created around my heart.

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  2. I think we have all felt that way at one time or another. But going through these things is what shapes us for better or worse. We all need to learn from our mistakes and move on. As you said, we can't change what we did, but we can learn. Have Heart!

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  3. We can't go back. We can only go forward. Guilt helps nothing. (now I need to take my own advice)

    happier topic - when do we get to read the Pablo interview?

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  4. When things go wrong, we certainly like to assign blame, don't we? While I love to blame my ex, I realize I could have left so many times and avoided the hurt. While we're children, others are responsible for what happens to us. As adults, we are responsible for what happens to us. Others can certainly play a part, but people can only do to you what you allow them to do.

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  5. Or should we just expect that everyone will hurt us, in one way or another, no matter what....

    The walls are destined. Maybe?

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  6. OCG: And the walls seem a lot easier to build than to tear down.

    Jill: Excellent point. I guess the worst thing of all would be not learning from the mistakes.

    Carmen: You're right. If guilt and regret could accomplish anything, I'm sure lots of wrongs would have been righted.

    I'll see if Pablo can get to the questions tonight :)

    Lass: I wonder why people do that. Hold on so long. Way too long it seems sometimes.

    Blondie: It's easy to feel that way after awhile or a few bad experiences.

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  7. Surrender Dorothy6/29/2006 02:19:00 PM

    You didn't break her. It wasn't right at the time, or the circumstances would be different. Part of becoming who you are is overcoming all the "breaks" and having hope of wonderful things to come. It isn't your fault. If you love her now, make a fresh start based on who she is, not what you perceive you "did to her". Everyone deserves that. No pity love. She wasn't the only one that broke remember.

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  8. God can I relate. And sometimes it's too painful to think about.

    I love what InterstellarLass said about being responsible for what happens to us. Sadly, so many times we think things are beyond our control, or that just becomes our cop-out.

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  9. Painful, yet honest. I've been there several times; once I was on the other side of the equation and that hurt too, but at least I don't have the shame and guilt.

    Your vacation post was pretty funny. Glad you had a good time at the beach. I'll head that way in the middle of August.

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  10. Listen to Surrender Dorothy. She is wise. Z's last sentence, too

    We do lose control when we won't take action. Been thinking and talking about that theme a lot today

    Very bare boned, and beautiful. Didn't mean to make that horrible pun. It was the only word that fit

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  12. I hate sitting on either side of that table -- as with most people I"m sure, I've been both the cause and the effect.

    Good post...

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  13. Yes, you can't go back and change the past...but you CAN go forward and do better...learning from your mistakes. If you do your best and be yourself, if it is meant to be, it will be.

    Re: Superhappyfun. lol
    I've heard girls say what a joy those are. Well, when you're a guy, they ram an over-sized Q-tip up your yinyang.
    That feeling stays with you a few days. And mentally, much much longer.
    Ya think that having a cold metal thing shoved up there and cranked open doesn't leave you feeling it days afterward? I still see stars every time. Who invents these devices of torture???

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  14. I love this post. It gets to me on so many levels. Thanks for the honesty.

    Oh, and btw - I've linked to ya. Hope that's okay. If not, let me know and I'll unlink asap. :)

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  15. Dorothy: But I did. Maybe not all by myself. But I started it. No pity love. Just wish I could fix her. Even if it was for somebody else.

    Z: Glad you can relate. Always makes you feel better when you write something super personal and someone says that.

    Sage: Yeah, I'd rather be on the other side. I seem to get over those much quicker.

    Pia: Thank you. As the Eagles said, "So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains, and never even know we have the key."

    Rolligun: Thanks, bro. One thing I am thankful for is that there's no anger or resentment there anymore.

    Renee: That's true. I know. I guess all you can do is all you can do.

    Sue: Well, I guess a link will be OK just this once :)

    I clicked to your site. Very nice words. Thank you.

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  16. Awesome post, Bone! I feel like i've been on both sides and unfortunately you can't undo anything... only move forward and try to make the best of it.

    I've learned so much from things i've done... and things that have been done to me!

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  17. No Bone, you didn't. You probably weren't her first touch of unhappiness in her life (speaking as someone who was "broken" at an early age.) She knew good vs. not so good. You both headed that direction together. You didn't smash her into something blind-sided. Feeling symapthy for her pain is good, because it means that you do care how actions affect the future road for someone. So, you aren't a sociopath- loads of women find that attractive. The person she is now depended on that set of circumstances. It is true for all of us. Everything colors our world. But we need the blues and blacks to offset the reds and yellows. I feel for you thinking that you are part of this person's black or blue, but you must realize you were also part of her defining her yellow and red. Even if that contribution, in your opinion, was not the best, she certainly thinks a lot of it, as much as she continues to stay in your life. She is your Elaine.

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  18. Oh my God! I was utterly speechless after reading this post. I felt the meaning of TRUE SINECERITY. It was very evident in the way you said every word...I believe you...I saw myself there too...I agree with InterstellarLass about being adults and allowing others to do what they can and cannot. It was a choice you and her made...However, sometimes people become blind because they love too much or they exhaust every possible means before giving up. But then so much harm has been done. Its learning the hard way from that experience and I hope it molds people to become a better person instead of wrecked...I also think that Dorothy is right. When you are sincere and truly have the heart to change things if you could...you know the saying...LOVE CONQUERS ALL! take Dorothy's advice start again...I will forgive my ex only if he is truly as sincere as you are....but sad to say, your case is different from mine...You have more chances than I.
    Can I put your post to my blog? and I added you to my links cuz I like what you write and say, they are wonderful and moving. I learn from them too :D Thanks!

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  19. hey now i truely understand this kinds of feelings.
    verry well said and thanks for sharing!

    always ckay

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  20. Kerry: Thanks, Kerry. Hopefully, I've learned.

    Dorothy: You're right. We did have many happy times. I just hate to see anyone hurt.

    She's my Elaine? Wonder if we could work out some kind of deal. With rules.

    VanillaSkies: Yeah, people choose to stay until the bitter end so many times. I guess hoping something will change. Or maybe they need to so that they will never go back.

    Thanks for the kind words. You may link to me anytime :)

    FloridaFlower: Thanks. And thanks for visiting.

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  21. Thanks Bone! but you haven't answer me if i can post this to my blog cuz i wanna make a blog about what you wrote.I hope to hear from you soon! Again, thanks a lot!

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