Friday, November 18, 2005

He's my Lex Luthor!

Today is my sister's birthday. So, even though I'm quite sure (and hopeful that) none of my family reads my blog, happy birthday, sis!

So Big Sweaty (or, Big Stinky, as a friend mistakenly called him recently) comes in today as I'm chewing gum. He apparently thinks I'm eating something. He looks at me and says, "You consume quite a bit, don't you?" I give him this strange what-are-you-talking-about look for a second, thinking (Chris Rock voice) "I know yo' super size extra value meal eatin white $&% ain't sayin' somebody else eats a lot!" So I'm completely silent, still giving him the look. Then he says, "Oh, or are you chewing gum?" I mumble, "Yeah."

What the freak?! I mean, seriously, the guy is round! He'd move a lot faster if he tucked his head into his chins, pulled in his arms and legs, and rolled from place to place. So, I've come to the conclusion that Big Sweaty is my Newman. My Lex Luthor. (Not to be confused with Lex Luger.) I just hope those aren't kryptonite-laced twinkies he's been devouring.

(From episode #144, "The Andrea Doria")
"Newman is my sworn enemy. And he lives down the hall from my home. My home, Elaine! Where I sleep. Where I come to play with my toys."

More A Day in the Life of Bone...
So my doorbell rings this afternoon. I run downstairs and open the door to find this somewhat chubby kid on a bicycle there. He's kind of out of breath as he asks, "Is Rusty home?" Well, since I haven't lived here very long, I figure that Rusty must be a kid who lived here with the previous tenants. So I say, "Rusty doesn't live here anymore." Well you'd have thought the kid's puppy just died. Immediately, he gets this sad look on his face, like his best friend forever has moved away and didn't tell him. At this point, I'm not quite sure what to say. After a couple of seconds he starts looking around, looks up at the building, turns back to me and says, "Oh. I think I'm at the wrong door. Bye." Priceless.

Hope you all have exactly the kind of weekend that you need. And remember, thawing a turkey in the refrigerator takes approximately 24 hours per five pounds ;-) Roll Tide!

"Now it seems to me some fine things have been laid upon your table, but you only want the ones that you can't get..."


  1. Sometimes I think I'm my own Newman, and Jerry, Kramer, George and Elaine who dressed like me

    Then I remember where, except for Newman, they all ended up

    And I will remember the turkey directions but everybody in my family lives on Long Island.

    Can they come into watch the parade in person? No

    Or the blowing of the balloons the night before which is much better than the parade? No

    And they don't even read my blog so I could trash them to death but...

  2. Are you making your own turkey for the holiday or are you heading home to help the family cook?

  3. So, when you see Big Sweaty, you're going to have to hiss his name through your teeth like Jerry does with Newman. He was just jealous that you weren't sharing what you had to "eat." He probably doesn't even think he's fat. Maybe he has a positive self image and thinks the two of you are similar in mass. It's possible!

    All the games are on late this afternoon. Hoping to see Penn State lose, that comes on at 4, Bama, ND, all on...very soon now that I look at the clock!

  4. Pia: I wanna see the parade!!

    Xinh: Well, definitely not the first thing you said. And if by "help the family cook" you mean "help the family eat," then yes! ;-)

    As long as I can remember, my Mom and her sisters and sisters-in-law have always cooked and prepared for Thanksgiving.

    Carnealian: I did think about that... "Hellooo... Big Sweaty." Wonder if he would get it. I doubt it.

    I think I forgot to mention the other day I was doing my daily wipe-down of door knobs and he was coming thru the door as I was wiping it. That was awkward.

    Bama didn't do so well :-(

  5. Na, he probably wouldn't get the joke, but you would, and you could chuckle to yourself about it each time!

    Hmm, the daily knob wipe...that would be awkward...however not as much as standing in the men's room with your pants around your ankles in front of the mirror! See, it's all perspective.

    Sorry about the Bama loss. And that *$(^T& Penn State won! Geez, there is no justice in this world!

  6. Whoa. You can chew gum and walk at the same time??

    I underestimated you! (:


  7. I am a Lex Luthor fan because I hate superman. Lex is the most captivating villain because of his abilities. The best about him is that he thinks. Unlike superman who is a certified dumbo. Belated happy birthday to your sister. May Lex be always be with her.

  8. I think I know someone who's exactly like Big Sweaty (Big Stinky). He chows down food as if they're only crackers (which of course, they aren't). He eats like crazy and he devours everything in sight. Everyone places himself as far away from him as possible when lunchtime comes. I wonder why.

  9. Carnealian: Maybe you'll get a chance to beat Penn State in a bowl game ;-)

    "Hmm, the daily knob wipe"

    Umm... yeah.

    Feenix: Actually, I was sitting, not walking. So :-P

    Jim: I think most everyone has a Big Sweaty in their life. Thanks for stopping by.

  10. So, Ahab, you have your own big, white, wet whale to contend with? I'm gonna have to suggest the ten-foot pole rule here. Either that or pee on his couch.

    I clean my doorknobs too. Doesn't everybody?

  11. Ah! See, we all have one. A nemesis. Life isn't complete without one.

    Poor kid! I got two calls this weekend (by the same dumbass I know) looking for my Ex. I just said "He doesn't live here."

  12. I thought Rusty was going to be another Seinfeld reference. You know... the name of Kramer's gastrointestinally-troubled horse when he's a Central Park handsome cab driver?

  13. Sallwood: Love the Seinfeld references! Big Sweaty, the White Whale. Never thought of it like that :-)

    Lass: Well, he's no Kate B. I'm sure ;-)

    Lizzie: Ha ha! Believe me, I know. Beefarino! It's quite a delicious cuisine-o.