Dear Santa

Well, I finished printing out my Airing of Grievance worksheets and my Human Fund donation cards. So I decided to write my Dear Santa letter. Got this idea from Sherry. It actually took longer than I thought it would. And am I the only one having difficulty finding much time to blog these days?

Dear Santa (or Yo Santa Clizzaus... whichever you prefer),

It's Bone. Yeah, I know, it's been awhile since I've sent you a letter. At least like five years. I'm not really writing for myself this year, Santa. I have more than enough. I have the 1,244,375th most popular blog on the internet. Sure it would be nice to break into that top million. But that would be selfish of me. No, Santa, this year I'm writing to ask for some things for my blog friends.

For Buzz... I wish that you bring him a camera so that he can take more pictures of Reagan and update his blog, which seemingly hasn't been updated since the Reagan administration.

For Carnealian... I wish for the ability for her to continue partying well into her early 30's. And that she would never again be a victim of false advertising.

For Cindy and Interstellar Lass... I wish for a beautiful wedding and a happy marriage. And that they won't go the way of so many and let their blogs fall by the wayside once they're married. Perhaps I should share with them the Parable of the Blogger, Santa.

For Coyote Mike... I wish for a cure for his terminal shyness. And the ability to channel Bobby Fischer or Boris Spassky so that he can beat five-year-old child prodigies at chess.

For Crys... Please bring her the ability to understand my restroom rules and movie theater seating etiquette. And also I wish for you to bring her a challenging, suitable job.

For Dea... I wish for more guys and fewer girls to hit on her. Although, really, I don't see the problem. And that her Yahoo pool skillz would someday be comparable to mine ;-)

For Erica... I wish for the time and desire to return to blogging. And commenting.

For Fly Girl... I wish for delay-free flights, good weather, and all those things in the Days of Flight Attendant Christmas.

For GroovyChick... I wish for a super cute motorcycle helmet. And that none of her kitties will run away again.

For Heather B... I wish for an endless supply of pseudo-boyfriends. Perhaps even a real one. And the courage to say, "Because Sir Bone used it in his blog" when people ask why she's singing the same song all day.

For JC... I wish for lots of hugs.

For J-Mo... I wish that you bring him a different girl every weekend... for him to take pictures of, that is. And that he'll not be shafted again anytime soon.

For Kerry... I wish for good health. And the desire to again liveblog American Idol this coming season.

For Kyle... I wish for his parents to hurry up and move out of the house. And that you bring him the ability to successfully recreate the incredible skydiving accident.

For Lil Bootay... I wish for healthy corn and healthy cows. And that she would never try and date any of my friends again ;-) And that you would bring her the ability to dissuade me from hooking up with any of her roomates again. Hmm, on second thought, scratch that last one. It actually wasn't that bad.

For Lindsy... I wish for a man who is kind, funny, and has a job... oh, and is good looking and isn't needy. Oh, and likes to cook, wants to travel, and has the ability to listen. Gee, there must at least... tens of those out there. Oh yeah, and he must have my approval ;-)

For Lizzie... I wish for a Yankees championship this coming season. That is, if the Reds don't have a breakout year. But, let's face it... And for the ability to continue to be ambiguous. And that she'll share details of her dreams about other bloggers. And that she will stop worrying about why she doesn't worry about things she thinks she ought to be worried about :-)

For Mappy B... I wish that her blog would have no future breakdowns. I wish that she have a wonderful and safe trip. And I wish for her future quizzes of the day to be so designed so that I will be able to impress and astound with my knowledge of seemingly unimportant topics.

For Meghan... I wish that she not be exposed to any more public urination episodes. That you bring her the ability to say no to certain babysitting gigs. And for her splendid writing and causticity to continue.

For OC Girl... I wish that she soon be over the soreness caused by her early morning romp on the stairs. Will she never learn? I wish for her to gain the fortune and fame that she deserves for creating terms that we all use everyday now, like blerd and blover. And I wish for her to have the best New Year's ever!

For Pia... I wish for a book deal. Like a gargantuan one, with a big sum up front. So that she can keep her place in the city, and also be able to buy a house out in the country where she can escape and write, like Chevy Chase in Funny Farm.

For Sallwood... Well, Santa, anyone that can drop as many Seinfeld references as she is obviously a well-balanced individual. I wish for her to prevail in the Feats of Strength.

For Sherry... I wish for her to get her braces off soon (even though some of us think braces are cute). And that she might always maintain her youthful aura and remain forever young.

For Tenacious T... I wish that you would bring her someone like this. And I wish for my blog entries to continue to creep into her mind throughout the day, and affect her thoughts and decisions ;-) Oh, and for her and me, please bring a national championship for Bama!

For Tiffany... I wish that you would bring her the time and desire to blog again, so that her last entry would not be a "Dear Bone" letter.

For Xinh...
I wish you to bring
Her a gay boyfriend this year
That's her wish, not mine.

And a year full of creative haikus :-)

Finally, for all the lurkers out there... I wish that you would bring them the courage to post a comment, even anonymously. I know you're out there. I have site meter, stat counter, and CIA-tracking software. So say hi!

And for everyone... I wish good health for you and your loved ones, contentment, love, and many comments for your blogs.

I'm sorry if I've forgotten anyone. Just leave me a comment and I'll add you.

Merry Christmas from Bone!

"Guess my life's moved at near light speed, since I started this wild and crazy run. Such a long way from that first birthday. Merry Christmas, everyone..."

Ya Quirky Bone

So I got tagged by Kerry and Sherry (no relation, far as I know) for two different memes. One is list five quirky things about yourself. The other is list five random facts about yourself that most people don't know. So I have decided to combine them both into one meme.

So here are Five Quirky Things About Bone (That Most People Don't Know):

1. I sing, hum, tap, almost non-stop. (I'm sure some would disagree with the "almost" part of that statement.) Very random songs, too. Carol of the Bells, Gold Digger, Piano Man. It matters not the genre. Ask anyone who knows me in real life. They all love it!

2. I don't like mustard and cheese on the same sandwich. I like mustard. And I love cheese! But if I have a cheeseburger, I prefer no mustard. Mayo is fine, but no mustard. I feel that the mustard somehow takes away from the flavor of the cheese. I think I could probably prove this scientifically, but really, who has the time?

3. I organize my Christmas presents very neatly under the tree. I think it really bugged a couple of girls I dated. Well, they said it did anyway. One of my ex-girlfriends says that this is part of my OCD. But my presents must be stacked very orderly. It's really a sight to see. Sort of like the crop circles or Stonehenge or something. Or at least like one of those really cool million domino displays on That's Incredible. Maybe I'll take a picture of them this year. I was raised in a house of neatly stacked presents, and I've turned out OK. Except for the fact that if I turn on a light switch with my left hand, I then also have to touch the light switch with my right hand. Or something very bad will happen.

4. I don't like to use the bathroom if anyone else is in the house, or if I'm at work, or at someone else's house. And I appreciate if you afford me the same consideration. And I'm not talking about urinating. Obviously, I have no problems doing that. No, I'm talking about a certain impending intestinal requirement. I actually dated a girl one time, and I'd make her go to the store so that I could meet said requirement. I also like to take my pants off during this activity, or at least one pant leg, so that I feel unencumbered. Is that weird?

And, if you're still reading after that...
5. My bedroom door and closet door have to be closed before I can go to sleep at night. Every night. And not just pushed to, but completely fastened/latched/closed. If I get in bed and see that one of them is open, I get up and shut it. Then again, perhaps this is part of OCD?

*Note: I was going to include how it's virtually impossible for me to hear someone misquote a Seinfeld episode and not correct them. Or if someone says Jerry did something, but it was really George, I just can't let it go. But I figured most of you already assumed that.

I'm not going to tag anyone. But if you'd like to pretend that Bone tagged you, feel free.

"Yo, I'm the big booty type. I like 'em thick with they mind right..."

The Contest

Pia is having a contest to decide the perfect song for me. So think about it. What song fits Bone? Click on the link to head over to her site and tell her what you think my song should be. If she gets enough 'ments, she has promised to invite me to her first book signing, mention me on Regis & Kelly, and allow me to do the Pia Reality Tour. OK, not really. But maybe.

So yesterday was holiday shopping with Bone. Went straight to the mall after work. Didn't get home until after 10:00. On the radio, I was listening to some call-in show. They were pretty much talking about the exact thing I mentioned the other day with the Hardees girl. One guy called and said if he met a girl who worked at McDonald's, he'd be excited and tell all his buddies about her. But if a girl met a guy who worked at McDonald's, she probably wouldn't tell her friends where he worked and she'd be telling him everyday to find a new job. I was like, dude's been reading my blog! While we're on the subject, I saw Meg Ryan again this morning. Got her name this time. Her real name.

Anyway, while walking thru the mall with the handles from seven bags cutting off the circulation in my hands, I was stricken with a sudden bout of SNGLAIPOA depression (she's-not-gonna-like-anything-I-pick-out-anyway). It was accompanied by a bit of what-am-i-even-doing-here-itis. Fortunately, that was short-lived.

But shopping for girls is difficult. Clothes-wise anyway. I mean, it's gotta fit just right in all these different places. So maybe it's foolish to even try. I should get something for effort though, right? Plus, in many of these stores, I'm the only guy in there. Normally, being the only guy in a sea of mostly attractive, well-dressed women is not a problem. It's a dream. A fantasy. But I digress...

Let me just say this. If you work in retail, in a women's clothing store or in the women's department, and a guy walks in by himself, especially this time of year, please offer to help him. Because chances are, he really needs it.

On the positive side of this shopping for girls thing, I usually always implore a strategy of finding an attractive sales associate and asking her for help. I did this a couple of times yesterday. In one store, a very helpful (and rather voluptuous) girl even offered to try on an item I was considering. Who am I to stand in the way of excellent customer service. So while I stood there staring trying to decide, she said, "Shopping for girls can be hard." Yeah, like I don't know that.

After shopping, it felt like an Arby's night. So while I was in the area, I called up James (from the first girl I ever called story). He is the only person I know who is anywhere near as big a Seinfeld fanatic as me. We could talk about Seinfeld for hours. He'll be at the Festivus party.

Most interesting item of the day: Metrosexual Cartman

"I'll be home for Christmas. You can plan on me. Please have snow and mistletoe, and presents on the tree..."

Behold... the pole

Continuing in the tradtion of Frank Costanza and... unnamed others, I proudly present my Festivus pole:



Spent much of the evening working on this baby. Using my MacGyver-like resourcefulness, and skills I learned watching Alive, I was able to assemble the pole from materials I purchased. Total cost: About $15. So the people at festivuspoles.com can keep their forty dollar pole. Your momma costs forty dollars!

Declaration on the tree stand I purchased: "Great for crooked trunks!" Not sure why I found that humorous.

Five days until Bone's First Annual Festivus Party! This is gonna be great!

"These moments we're left with, may you always remember. These moments are shared by few. And those harbor lights, aw, they're coming into view. We bid our farewell much too soon..."

What I Should Have Said to Meg Ryan

Happy holidays, and welcome in to another fun and exciting edition of "What I Should Have Said." Today's contestant once again, you know him, you love him... our very own Bone! On today's show, we find Bone going thru the drive thru at the local Hardees for breakfast. He is very happy, as he has just spent five minutes scraping ice off his car so that he can see to drive to work. This, despite the fact that driving with ice-covered windows and zero visibility is increasingly tempting.

Bone's order: Two cinnamon & raisin biscuits and a medium Mountain Dew.

At the window, we find today's willing accomplice, an extremely cute blonde named... Hmm... well names really aren't important. So we'll just refer to her as Meg Ryan. Meg gives Bone his total. He hands her his money and she hands him his food and drink. When she returns with his change, she sees the accumulation of ice around the car window and says with a radiant smile, "It looks like it snowed on your car."

If you would like to play, using your qwerty keyboard, type in now what you think Bone should have said. Here's one suggestion:

What Bone should have said: "Yeah, wanna come over and help me build a snowman?"

What Bone actually did say: "Yeah..." (and quickly drives away)

Eh, it's too early in the morning to be picking up chicks anyway. Especially very cute, friendly ones...? But I think I will be frequenting ye olde establishment more often. For breakfast only though. Not sure I could stomach a thickburger. Even for love...

Kids say the darndest things...
Switching gears, I thought I would leave you with a light-hearted slice of life. This exchange comes from my Mom via my aunt. My first cousin, who is in kindergarten, was trying to get her grandma's attention the other day. Grandma was reading or watching TV or something, so she resorted to other tactics:

"Some people don't believe in Santa Claus, Nanny."
"Mmhmm."
"Some people don't even believe in God, Nanny."
"Mmhmm."
"The only reason you believe in God is so that you can go to heaven and meet Elvis."

Attention achieved! Sounds like Nanny's been telling some very interesting bedtime stories. Have a great weekend!

"I'm quiet you know. You make a first impression. I've found I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind..."

Thursday Thirteen III

Thirteen Things from the mind of Bone...

1. Was going to try and think of a theme for this week's Thirteen, but it just ain't happening. So on with the randomness.

2. She was in town yesterday. We met at the mall, shopped a bit, then came back to my place. She really liked my place.

3. I don't even know what to think or how I feel anymore about the whole situation. Had not seen her in about a year and a half. Yet we can get together on the spur of the moment and it's just like we've been hanging out every week or something. Hugged tightly as she left. There's a lot in that hug.

4. Just finished writing out Christmas cards. I have discovered that my cursive writing sucks. So I wrote some cards in cursive and printed a few. I might have even done one card half-print and half-cursive. That's what the holidays are all about. Oh, and the envelopes weren't sticking very well. I hope that glue wasn't toxic.

5. I am a lot more stressed right now than I pretend to be. Work has been busier. I still have a lot of shopping to do. Not to mention getting everything ready for the Festivus party. Jerry, after shaving his chest: "I think I may have made a big mistake!" :-)

6. Festivite tally thusfar: 7 confirmed guests. 4 are undecided (although I think one was a joke and they are for sure coming). 2 have declined. And 8 haven't yet replied.

7. It's really difficult to follow up an entry like the Buffer Zone. Maybe I should just start going to movies and handing out citations to buffer zone violators.

8. Seems to me that we are losing more and more bloggers to My Space. Losing bloggers, in itself, is no big deal. But losing bloggers usually means losing commenters. And that is when I start to cry.

9. I just finished a cup of hot chocolate. Mmmm! Except that last little lukewarm sip in the bottom of the cup... really isn't very good.

10. I really wish TVland or some channel would show Welcome Back, Kotter regularly. And Car 54 Where Are You. And Mork & Mindy.

11. My Janeane Garofalo entry got linked to on some Janeane Garofalo site.

12. Ten days until Christmas! I just want to slow down, watch some holiday movies, watch it snow, ride around and look at Christmas lights. Because once it's gone, it's gone.

13. I am really looking forward to New Year's this year. *mischievous grin*

Links to other Thursday Thirteens!

1. Coyote Mike
2. Sallwood
3. Jen
4. Carnealian
5. Xinh
6. Renee
7. (leave your link in the comments, and I'll add you here!)

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It's easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

"We couldn't tear ourselves away. I wonder if you care. I wonder if you still remember. Once upon a time, in your wildest dreams..."

Buffer zone, please!

Blogging away while eating microwaved Chef Boyardee spaghetti & meatballs for my supper at 11:30 at night. This, my friends, is the life...

Saw Walk The Line tonight. I thoroughly enjoyed it. While Joaquin was Johnny almost from the start, I just kept seeing Reese Witherspoon rather than June up there. Make sense? But I think maybe that has more to do with the fact that I am so much more familiar with Johnny Cash and how he's supposed to look and sound, and know little about June. Anyway, it completely kept my interest. Never found myself wondering how much longer until it's over, which to me, is the simplest way to judge if I think a movie is good or not.

So went my second trip into a theater in 2005. I really like the filmstrip roller coaster they show before the movie. Do you have that where you are? And as far as the previews, Munich looks enticing.

Well, that wasn't the entire story. You may remember the proper restroom etiquette post I did just a few weeks ago. Well, it has come to my attention that a related post needs to be done on proper theater etiquette. That's right friends, the complex interworkings of homophobic male relationships don't end once we zip up and exit the friendly confines of the men's room.

So I'll just get right into it. I met a friend at the theater tonight. I walked in and sat down in the third seat from the aisle. This was carefully pre-planned so that he would be able to skip one seat between us and sit on the end. But did he? No. He crowded under me like a newborn puppy does to its mother. He sat right next to me! This is wrong! Two guys should never sit side-by-side in a less-than-full theater. It's just abnormal. Not to mention less than 100% hetero. I thought about moving, but for some reason didn't. I don't want to be the one who has to tell him about proper theater etiquette. He's in his 30's. He should know this by now. What are we teaching our kids in school?

So what do you do? You skip a seat. It's called a buffer zone. It's really quite simple when you think about it. For example, if we had been at my place, sitting on the couch watching TV, would we sit right next to each other? Of course not. We'd sit on opposite ends. Maybe even with a pillow in between. Why? Because there is little, if anything, more awkward in the life of heterosexual man than for his hand to accidentally come in contact with the hand of another man. If and when that ever happens, both parties feel extremely awkward and uncomfortable. Not a word is said. It must never be spoken of by either of you in any context ever again. And it may take several minutes, even an hour or more, to put it behind you. To prove my point on all of this, two guys came into the theater and sat two rows in front of us, leaving a seat between them. And you thought it was just me.

On a similar note, if you're double-dating at the movies, you don't sit girl-guy-guy-girl. You sit guy-girl-girl-guy. This is so that the girls can chat, giggle, and plan when to go to the bathroom together. And also... there's a 0.001% chance they might... kiss.

After the movie, I stopped at the restroom. Two urinals. Both open. I take the one on the left. Midstream, some guy comes in and, you guessed it, sets up shop right next to me, with at least five perfectly good enclosed stalls available.

In the name of all things hetero, has the whole world gone mad?!

"Why are you so far away, she said. Why won't you ever know that I'm in love with you? I'm in love with you..."

Me and Janeane Garofalo

Can I make the uninteresting seem interesting? We shall see, as I recap a bit of my weekend...

I went to the mall Christmas shopping Friday. While in Dillards, there was just one girl and me in a particular section of the store, albeit on opposite sides. We were nowhere near each other, probably at least fifty feet apart. She had a little Janeane Garofalo thing going on. From that distance anyway. So a saleslady, who had sort of a Janet Reno thing going on, came out and asked Janeane if we needed help with anything. Janeane mumbled something back, prompting Janet to say, "Oh, I thought you two were together." That was a nice three seconds.

Then, while at the Hickory Farms stand just minutes later, the same thing happened again, with a different girl. She was at one end looking at cheese balls or spreads or something, and the clerk was trying to help her. Meanwhile, I was circling round and round the stand like it was the city of Jericho. Well, after a couple times around, he said something to her and then looked at me and said, "Oh I thought you were with him." So apparently, I look like I should be married. Or at least coupling. Or shopping with a girl. Or something.

Later that night, I stopped by a friend's to hang out for a bit. There are two entrances to his house, the front door and a side door in the garage. I always go to the front door. So he opened the wooden door and just sort of stood there staring at the screen door, finally saying, "I think the door is broken. You can try to open it if you want." I pressed the handle and pulled a couple of times. Nothing. It was stuck. So I told him I'd just go to the garage door. Well, I stood outside the garage, waiting to hear the familiar hum of an electric garage door opener. What I heard instead was some banging around on the other side of the door. Then what I saw was the garage door slowly opening with two hands underneath, manually pulling it up. Suddenly, I heard something catch and the door stopped, about 18 inches off the ground. Then I heard a voice say, "Can you get in under there?" By this time, I was laughing out loud. I was thinking, dude, I'm not crawling face-first on your garage floor to get into your house. I'll just come back later. We finally got it open, but he said he didn't think he'd be able to get it closed again. It's a fairly nice neighborhood, too. Or, was.

That was pretty much my Friday. And the story of my friend, the shut-in. Did more shopping Saturday and Sunday. It's coming so fast. Still have to write and send my Christmas cards and send out evites to my Festivus party. I did finally put my tree up Sunday. It has lights, but no balls. Yet.

"What brings a man to his knees is often brought on by himself. If a second chance were offered, and she could love me like before, I'd go back to the end and start over again, on 12/12/84..."