Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Last remaining single cousin

I haven't been feeling well the past couple of days. Woke up with a very mild sore throat Friday morning. It hasn't gotten any worse or better, but it also hasn't gone away. Is there a WebMD in the house? Began feeling really tired yesterday. Left work early and laid in bed most of the afternoon and evening.

Fortunately, the History Channel was off da hook last night. (It's a hip phrase the kids are using. Don't concern yourself with it.) First, they had a UFO special on that I hadn't seen before. Then came Lost Worlds: Secret Cities of the A Bomb. Am I the only person who saw this? It was fascinating. And some of those Calutron Girls were pretty cute!

The past few days have been filled with little friendly reminders that I am still single. Post-it notes, if you will, that say things such as "Still a bachelor," "You need a woman", and "You're 33, get married already." It began Thursday when I went to the mall to look for a new shirt, tie, and maybe pants to wear to my last remaining single cousin's wedding on Saturday.

As stated previously, I prefer to have a female with me on shopping excursions. When I do have to go alone, I like to find an attractive sales associate in the store to help me. Well, this wasn't happening at either store I ventured into Thursday night.

After looking around for half an hour and getting no help in the first store, I walked down to store B. One lady attempted to help me there. But after an hour of her trying to help, I wound up picking out a shirt and tie on my own while she was taking care of some other customers.

Reminder number two was Friday when I drove to Atlanta. By myself. Stayed in a spacious hotel room with two beds and a balcony. By myself. Ordered room service for breakfast. By myself. (From the price of my omelet and orange juice, I have deduced that eggs must be very rare in Atlanta.)

The wedding Saturday went off without a hitch. Actually, I guess that isn't entirely true, since the entire point of the wedding is to get hitched. So there was one intentional hitch, at the end.

As it stands now, I am the last remaining single cousin. At least over the age of 20 or 21. It's actually not that bad. I think of it kinda like a great quarterback who hasn't won the big one. The best golfer never to win a major. Basically, I'm to relationships what Colin Montgomerie is to golf. We've both gotten close. Just haven't closed the deal yet.

Driving home Saturday, I was making excellent time. That is, until the interstate was closed because of a wreck north of Birmingham. So I and every other northbound driver were routed off onto a two-lane road.

One might think driving thru the Alabama countryside for ten or twelve miles at an average speed of six miles per hour would be a pleasant experience. Yeah, not so much. What normally would be a three hour drive ended up taking six.

Oh sure, there were highlights. Like the college kids two cars ahead of me continuously getting out of their car and running up to the vehicle ahead of them, dribbling a basketball out the window, etc. There were the fields and woodlands and little country homes, one of which had a Confederate flag flying in the front yard.

And then there was me attempting to, uh, refill a mostly empty Mountain Dew bottle. (I knew I shouldn't have stopped for that 20 ounce Dew, Zero candy bar, and scratch off tickets before I left Georgia.)

If we can't avoid hitting the toilet seat while standing still, well you can imagine what fun it was trying to keep it in a one-inch diameter hole. While driving. And trying not to be conspicuous. In stop-and-go traffic.

Let's just say I didn't eat anything or touch my face with my hands until I got home to my anti-bacterial soap.

And now, I'm sick. With no one to bring me juice or a wet washcloth for my forehead. Yet another reminder.

So you see. Shopping. Road trips. Weddings. Traffic jams. Being sick. Peeing in a bottle. These are just some of the reasons I need a female companion. And over the past five days, I've gotten that message loud and clear.

When or if I'll find said companion remains to be seen. In the meantime, whenever the next major golf tournament is, I'll be rooting for Monty.

"Now they're goin' to bed. And my stomach is sick. And it's all in my head. But she's touching his chest now. He takes off her dress now. Let me go..."


  1. Oh man...I don't care much for weddings, though for a different reason than yours. One I won't get into now. But yea, there's nothing like a wedding to remind you that you're single. Blech.

    I wish I knew what to say to the difficult time you're experiencing right now other than that I've been there too.

    And peeing in a bottle? No way! I won't ask if your aim was on the mark. ;)

    Hope you're feeling better soon.

  2. Hold on just one minute!! You have severe phobias about public restrooms, yet will pee in a bottle in your car???????? Are you crazy? How can you bear to drive your car now? EWW!!!!

    By the way, drag yourself to the drug store or Walmart and get some Aleve Cold and Sinus. Works wonders!

  3. i hope you feel better! summer colds blow.

  4. I hope you feel better soon. Sending you some e-chicken soup :)

  5. Awww! Poor you! I hope you feel better soon. Take a nice, steamy shower. Take some extra vitamin C.

  6. Chickadee: I'm fine. It's not that difficult. A lot of things just seemed to add up this weekend.

    Aim-wise, I think I did pretty well, considering the circumstances. Fortunately, I had a beach towel in the car... never to be used again.

    Groovie: It's different when it's your own urine. Although I will admit, setting fire to the car did cross my mind, more than once.

    Ms. Sizzle: Thanks. For real! Who gets sick in the summer?

    Jennifer: Thank you.

    Lass: Will do. I stocked up on Vitamin C drops, Nyquil, aspirin, and orange juice last night. Maybe that'll help, although I'm not exactly sure what I'm trying to get rid of.

  7. HOW IN THE WORLD WOULD HAVING A WIFE HELP YOU WITH THE PEEING INTO A BOTTLE??? and it is so not fair that guys have the ability to do such a thing at all. Tonight I had to go into the men's room at a park where no one knew how to flush....ewwwww! (sorry my friend was using the women's room and I really had to go.)

    feel better soon

  8. Oh you poor dear....I completely understand. I really do. Think of it as building character. Once you do get that wonderful wife and she does all these things that will make you comfortable when you are not feeling well, you are just going to be ecstatic. It's just the "higher powers" making sure you don't forget the misery before you get the reward!

    The peeing in a bottle thing...why not just pull over??? You should have called, I would have helped!

  9. I have many times been stuck in traffic and WISHED I could pee in a bottle. ;) But I am surprised that you didn't go out and buy a new steering wheel afterward. Or any other car part that you touched.

    And would being married REALLY have stopped you from doing that? Maybe if she was IN the car. . .

  10. First off....Ew. Wasn't there a parking garage corner? Was it severe Uromysitisis poisoning setting in that counteracted your Germophobia?

    And the single thing. Man, that sucks that you felt it and that it colored your weekend. Maybe you need to get away. A spur of the moment trip of some type. Hmmm.

  11. Aww I'd come and tend to you if I could.
    Hope you feel better right quick:)

  12. Oh, I laughed so hard reading this! Peeing in a bottle? Really?

    As far as the single thing goes, welcome to my world. I have been feeling the same way lately. I wasn't lonely until someone told me that i shouldn't be. Try to think of all the things you can do because you are single, like peeing in a bottle for instance. . .

  13. Renee: Haha. Well that was supposed to be kind of a joke. But I suppose she could hold the... wheel for me :)

    Yeah, I've noticed men don't seem to know how to work the flush in public restrooms.

    Carnealian: I couldn't pull over. There was a line of cars miles long behind me which would have been passing by at 2 to 7 miles per hour.

    Yes, I'm building character! Lots of character :)

    Carmen: Hmm, a new steering wheel. That's a thought. I'll check prices.

    Dorothy: Yes, I was afraid of getting Uromysitisis poisoning and dying :) It was a tough decision, but on the spur of the moment, I went with living over being germ-free.

    Ms. L: Thanks much, Ms. L :)

    HotPinkSox: I know. There are lots of advantages. Just seemed like the disadvantages were more obvious this past weekend.