I have a friend, who I'm fairly sure does not read this blog. This friend, we'll refer to him as Screech, has a problem. He has this one green shirt. Well, mostly green. And I'm almost positive he's had it since high school. I'm not exaggerating. He still wears it. A lot. In public.
You probably know the shirts I'm talking about. Long-sleeved. Sort of polo style. They sometimes were multi-colored. The collar was usually like a white or a tan. Worst of all was that horrible denim-colored collar. Well, the collar on this one is sort of ridged. And the shirt is so old and has been washed so much that the collar curls up underneath itself.
So anyway, he has this green shirt and one other shirt. And those are the only two long-sleeved shirts I can ever remember seeing. Other than Alabama tshirts or sweatshirts. Like I stopped by Friday night for a bit. And he was wearing an Alabama tshirt. Those are fine. But I guess he considers those his casual wear for around the house or something. When it comes time to go out, here comes Mister Green Shirt. It's like that's his nice, going-out clothes. Ugh.
So what do I do? What can I do? I'll be the first to admit I'm not on the cutting edge of fashion. Don't really care to be. I know the basics. Black belt, black shoes. Brown belt, brown shoes. A few other things. But not much more. Everything I know or have learned about what's in style, I've learned from girls. That's where you come in.
Ladies, this is my plea to you. Help your guy friends. We can't help ourselves, for the most part. And we sure can't help each other. I can't very well say to another guy, "You're not gonna wear that shirt with those shoes, are you?" Or "I think you need to have one more look in the mirror, mister. I'm not going out with you looking like that." I can't. I won't. It's awkward. It's wrong. But you, ladies. You have the power. We'll listen to you. Heck, I'd probably still be walking around in Levi 505's right now had some girl not shown me the light.
After all, why do guys even buy clothes? Why do we even care in the slightest what we wear? Simple. For women. That's the only reason. If it was up to us, we'd all be walking around in our underwear and a white tshirt. Unshaven. Hair uncombed. It's not like we're trying to impress the other guys. You don't believe me, go to a prison. No women there. No one shaves. No one combs their hair. Or stop by my house on any given Saturday. But, if you tell us you like it. And us in it. Chances are we'll wear it. At least once.
So back to Screech. The problem is he's not dating anyone. And I'm not sure how many female friends he has. But apparently the ones he does have aren't doing their job. And as previously stated, I simply can't say anything. That would be a direct violation of the hetero bylaws. So what's left?
How about a fashion intervention? I think interventions are grossly underused in our society. Why should they be limited to alcoholics, addicts, and suicidals only? I say, if someone has a bad haircut, get some friends together, bring a mirror, and tell them about it. Someone's house always a pig sty? Boom! Intervention. Bring some Endust. Someone still wearing his tapered leg jeans from 1989? Get a few friends together and confront him. Nothing like a Friday night with the guys, hanging out, and talking fashion.
Besides, there's safety... and heterocity... in numbers.
Now, when and if the shirt issue is resolved, then we can get to work on the shoes.
"If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife. So from my personal point of view, get an ugly girl to marry you..."