Monday, February 27, 2006

Shirt and shoes required

I have a friend, who I'm fairly sure does not read this blog. This friend, we'll refer to him as Screech, has a problem. He has this one green shirt. Well, mostly green. And I'm almost positive he's had it since high school. I'm not exaggerating. He still wears it. A lot. In public.

You probably know the shirts I'm talking about. Long-sleeved. Sort of polo style. They sometimes were multi-colored. The collar was usually like a white or a tan. Worst of all was that horrible denim-colored collar. Well, the collar on this one is sort of ridged. And the shirt is so old and has been washed so much that the collar curls up underneath itself.

So anyway, he has this green shirt and one other shirt. And those are the only two long-sleeved shirts I can ever remember seeing. Other than Alabama tshirts or sweatshirts. Like I stopped by Friday night for a bit. And he was wearing an Alabama tshirt. Those are fine. But I guess he considers those his casual wear for around the house or something. When it comes time to go out, here comes Mister Green Shirt. It's like that's his nice, going-out clothes. Ugh.

So what do I do? What can I do? I'll be the first to admit I'm not on the cutting edge of fashion. Don't really care to be. I know the basics. Black belt, black shoes. Brown belt, brown shoes. A few other things. But not much more. Everything I know or have learned about what's in style, I've learned from girls. That's where you come in.

Ladies, this is my plea to you. Help your guy friends. We can't help ourselves, for the most part. And we sure can't help each other. I can't very well say to another guy, "You're not gonna wear that shirt with those shoes, are you?" Or "I think you need to have one more look in the mirror, mister. I'm not going out with you looking like that." I can't. I won't. It's awkward. It's wrong. But you, ladies. You have the power. We'll listen to you. Heck, I'd probably still be walking around in Levi 505's right now had some girl not shown me the light.

After all, why do guys even buy clothes? Why do we even care in the slightest what we wear? Simple. For women. That's the only reason. If it was up to us, we'd all be walking around in our underwear and a white tshirt. Unshaven. Hair uncombed. It's not like we're trying to impress the other guys. You don't believe me, go to a prison. No women there. No one shaves. No one combs their hair. Or stop by my house on any given Saturday. But, if you tell us you like it. And us in it. Chances are we'll wear it. At least once.

So back to Screech. The problem is he's not dating anyone. And I'm not sure how many female friends he has. But apparently the ones he does have aren't doing their job. And as previously stated, I simply can't say anything. That would be a direct violation of the hetero bylaws. So what's left?

How about a fashion intervention? I think interventions are grossly underused in our society. Why should they be limited to alcoholics, addicts, and suicidals only? I say, if someone has a bad haircut, get some friends together, bring a mirror, and tell them about it. Someone's house always a pig sty? Boom! Intervention. Bring some Endust. Someone still wearing his tapered leg jeans from 1989? Get a few friends together and confront him. Nothing like a Friday night with the guys, hanging out, and talking fashion.

Besides, there's safety... and heterocity... in numbers.

Now, when and if the shirt issue is resolved, then we can get to work on the shoes.

"If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife. So from my personal point of view, get an ugly girl to marry you..."


  1. That's pretty funny. When I met DH I had to seriously overlook his choices in apparel. Lucky for him, once we were married I fixed his wardrobe. Unlucky for me I still get asked for my opinion everytime he gets dressed now.
    If you and Screech are close in size you could get him a new shirt and tell him it was a bday present that you don't care for... or if you're not close in size you could say it's the wrong size and you're too lazy to exchange it for the right size. But I'm guessing that you're not wanting to spend any $$ on this fix...right?

    Short of signing him up for a make-over or a dating service, I'm all out of ideas. ;)

    Good luck.

  2. Do you know any mutual girlfriends that are close enough to the both of you that you could bring up the issue and they could take it up with him?

    Other than that, stand firm in your hetero-ness, and give this guy a talking to... after all you have to keep your stock up when seen in public, and it just sounds as though he is bringing it down...


  3. Sean has major problems with fashion. He is awesome when it comes to his work wear which is suits and ties. But when it comes to casual wear, he's horrible. I've had to set a couple of "guidelines" down for his clothing.
    1. If the article of clothing is older than me, it goes.
    2. Size large is for people that wear a size large (which is him). Just because your body fits into an XL or XXL does NOT mean it's suitable for you. I don't care that your dad gave it to you once he was done with it-he IS AN XL AND YOU ARE NOT.
    3. When in doubt, change.
    4. Stripes and plaid do NOT go matter what the hell you tell me.
    5. Any shoes whose souls flap due to seperation from the rest of the shoe are not considered "casual apparel" unless your a homeless man.
    6. Speaking of homeless men...if they laugh at your attire that should make you think twice. Or if you go to donate clothes to the Salvation Army and they refuse to take's a sign.

    Six basic if he'd only USE them.

  4. That sounds like fun. I'm so glad that you are secure enough in your heteroicity to be a little metro-sexually chic now and then :)

  5. I think you are on the right track with this fashion intervention thing. haha. If you're friends can't be honest with you then who can? I count on the honesty of my friends for stuff like that all the time...hairstyles, clothing, make-up, etc. Friends shouldn't let friends leave the house looking like a fashion faux pas.

  6. Renee: No, not the same size. And no, not spending any money. He just needs a girl.

    OC Girl: Yes, there is at least one girl that we both know and hang out with. As for my stock, we usually just hang out at the house.

    Audra: Haha. I like those. Especially #3. And they really shouldn't be that hard to follow.

    Crys: Yes, we're all very secure here. Let there be no doubt.

    Krista: Well, I think it's easier for girls to tell their girlfriends one on one. But it just doesn't work the same for guys.

  7. I don't mean to toot my own horn or anything but I can remember that someone else I know still wore his favorite jeans and shirts from the JT LOVE years until I introduced him to old navy. And explained the importance of accenting your booty with more of a flare or wider jean than a tappered jean. Remember that? Oh and do you still have the silk shirt? Lord help. You have definitely come a long way. Keep it up!

  8. I agree! An intervention is needed. Now, just for grins and giggles, a question for you...does a grey t-shirt go with khaki pants? I've gotta know.

    qfooate <-- I don't know why, but I thought this was hilarious!

  9. Yes, and intervention is needed. However, no one is responsible for this person but this person. I assume they are an adult. Look at it this way, he looks like a dork, you don't so the chicks will naturally gravitate towards you and leave him in the dust. Problem?

  10. Anon: Hey, I still like my silk shirt. I just... don't wear it. I love Old Navy, too. Thanks for that, fashion conscious anonymous girl.

    Lass: Well, it would depend upon the shoes. I'd have to get a feel for the entire outfit. I have worn a gray t-shirt with khaki shorts before. But that's a little different.

    Carnealian: So are you saying chicks don't naturally gravitate towards me anyway? lol

    Yeah, the surround yourself with dorks idea. That's one theory.

  11. Surround youself with dorks is a great theory;-)

    Fashion Intervention For Hetro Males by Hetro Males--think there's a reality TV show in there somewhere

  12. Sorry bone.

    I tried to buy my DH some "nice clothes" around Xmas time and I was basically laughed at. He wore them once, for my sake, and then they were hidden in the closet.

    Granted my DH doesnt own anything as hideous as the green shirt...

    ...but then again, maybe I am not the best person for advice. I would wear turtlenecks year-round if at all possible.

  13. this post is going to be emailed to my best male friend who things i'm too pushy when trying to dress him. thank you for confirming all i've been saying.
    so you could go out. find a friendly-ish looking girl. tell her to please tell your friend that he'd look really great in a blue/brown/other color green shirt to match his eyes.
    or what about a sister? tell him one night you want to get out and where ties. or pick a color.
    or what does this kid wear to work? tell him you want to go out immediately after work (so he can't change) then tell him a few times that some girl is checking him out. or that you like his shirt and should get some of those of your own. is that too nonhetero?
    or just be blunt. honesty is the best policy. most times. just say, hey buddy, greenie, its got to go. or hey, didn't you wear that shirt the last seven times we've gone out?
    i like the name as well. today is foynf.

  14. I was just able to get your last link.

    I HATE it when guys wear "used to be white" sneakers.
    Unless your tennis shoes are in pristine shape, then they shouldn't be worn, use them for running or outdoor activities and never wear them "out" again.

    Unless you have stylish sneakers they shouldn't be worn as anything other than kicking-it-in-the-park shoes.

    Whew... I feel better.

  15. Pia: I think we could probably all use an intervention of some kind or other. Wonder what mine would be?

    M: Haha, I actually like turtlenecks, too. But have been told by more than one girl that they are a no-no.

    Alison: I think the only recourse guys have one on one is sort of making a sarcastic remark, and hoping he gets the hint. Something like, "Dude, I think I sold that shirt at a yard sale in 1987" maybe?

    OC Girl: Another thing I have learned is that shoes are important to some/most girls. I think I mentioned it in a post awhile back. Wore a new shirt and new shoes to work one day. The shoes were what got noticed.

    On the other hand, I usually barely notice a girl's shoes. Although strappy heels or knee-high boots just seem to do something to me.

  16. LMAO...your story has a familiar ring to it. My hubby has a co-worker/friend (I know him well enough now that I consider him my friend too) who for the LONGEST time, wore the same shirt and it too, was a green shirt. He would wear that shirt ragged and when it was in threads, he would buy another green shirt. This went on for several years until a female co-worker had an intervention of sorts with our friend. She took him out shopping and forced him to buy other clothes.

    And now our eccentric friend who just wore 1 green shirt now has a nice wardrobe and a girlfriend...cuz he didn't have a girlfriend either at the time to show him the error of his ways.

    An intervention would be a good thing. :)

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  18. So easy to fix but for lack of a woman you can sic on him... Doesn't matter. All you have to do is say 'Dude. That shirt... Dude. You need serious help.' and leave it at that. He'll either go shopping or he won't. At the very least, you escape the shirt.

  19. Chickadee: Yeah, it's sort of a "which comes first, the girlfriend or the wardrobe" question.

    darkneuro: Hmm. It's still tough one-on-one. It would be better if I had backup.

  20. That's a tough spot. If you all are ever out and about stop into a clothing store. Look for a shirt for yourself, and kind of hint around about him getting a new shirt. Not the most hetero of activities, but if he needs a new shirt then it's worth it.

  21. First of all, nobody panic! I am an experienced fashionista, especially when it comes to my guy friends! Screech needs to officially fire his girl friends b/c they ARE NOT DOING their jobs as good friends!
    An intervention is a good step... Now, I need some more info on this poor fashion challenged young man. Here's what I need to know right off the bat:

    1. age
    2. profession
    3. hobbies (i.e. watching/playing sports)
    4. hair color
    5. eye color

    I think I can help your friend, better yet, if meg and I team up, this guy will be made into a stud within a 24 hour period! I have NEVER been afraid to tell one of my friends something does not look good on them... But I do it in a nice way, and I expect the same courtesy from them... Don't worry Bone, help is on the way!!

  22. Big Man: It's nice to hear from someone who obviously understands the importance of maintaining some semblance of heterocity in the situation.

    Beachgirl: First of all, I do not know his eye color. I do not know the eye color of any other guy on the face of the Earth. And wouldn't admit it if I did :)

    As for the rest, perhaps I could email them to you, so as to avoid giving away his identity.

  23. My husband has NONE of the clothes that he owned when we met. I slowly threw all of them away or amazingly convinced him to throw them away. Boys want girls to give them advice on what to wear, BUT, we need you guys to tell us when you think we look good! Too many guys out there just won't tell us, "Hey, you look nice." So boys, just repay the favor please. Thank you.

  24. Bone-
    I have decided to make your friend my personal project... I have an email link on my profile page.. send me the goods on your friend.. Let's get this party started!!


  25. Groovy: Have I told you that you look really nice today? ;-)

    Beachgirl: I'm sure he'll be glad to know that. Your mission, should you choose to accept it...