Tuesday, July 18, 2006

The hurt

Sometimes you have to suffer before you can write. Sometimes you have to get cut so that you can justly describe the pain. Sometimes you have to bleed to remember that you can still feel.

I didn't think it could happen again. I thought I was safely close to the shore. I thought my feet were firmly planted. But sometimes, you venture out further than you realize. And before you know it, a wave hits you like a brick wall, turns you upside down, and leaves you gasping for air.

And there's that old familiar feeling in the pit of your stomach. The emptiness and pain. It's been so long, I had forgotten how truly awful it feels.

I toss and turn all night long. Making deals with the devil to try and get some sleep. Because sleep is the only relief. But sleep doesn't come. No matter how many sleeping pills I take.

I feel like throwing up, but I can't. I feel like I should cry, but I won't. I vow I'll never let myself feel this way again. But I will.

It just hurts. And there is no cure. Except time. The slowest antidote ever created.

You win. I lose. But we both know you didn't play fair.

Not that anyone ever does.

"Make you stay wide awake. This is how a heart breaks..."


  1. i know what you mean about the slowest antitode. why is happiness so fleeting and pain so lingering?

    a good cry might do you some good. you don't have to tell us about it but do it all the same.

    take care.

  2. Bone this is your finest post ever. It is so brilliantly true and stark

  3. Hurting is growing. Growing accommodates joy as well as pain. Refusal to cry
    is rebellion because you already hurt, you just don't want to. So cry, then Sleep, because your capacity to appreciate joy just got greater.

  4. I find that wine helps. Until daylight comes again. Never stop feeling, though. Or you will lose your being. I have to remind myself of this every time. I think it is worth it.

    But the only real good thing about being wounded is the ice cream. All the ice cream you can get.

  5. Ms. Sizzle:

    Pia: Finest ever? Do you have any idea what you're saying? :)

    Dorothy: What a wonderful well-written comment. I especially liked "because your capacity to appreciate joy just got greater."

    Thank you.

    Tenacious One: First time I'd seen the sun come up in awhile.

  6. HI Bones, blogger ate my comment ( I think ) so I'll try again. :-)

    I'm visiting from Pia's place.

    This post touched me. I was just thinking recently that no matter how smart, grown up, and wise I think I am, I'll still keep getting tossed and pounded by the wave....it seems that hurt is the risk that comes with opening yourself to people/life.

  7. Hi Bone: I've been here before and Pia reminded me why I needed to visit again in her post. This is just beautiful and poignant. And honest. Funny the hurts over time get replaced with hurting for different reasons. Daily reminders of our humanity I guess. Anyway, beautfiul post.

  8. Yes dear Bone we have many beautiful beaches in Ohio.This one was Salt Fork State park in case you want to look it up.I tried to Im you about the Frankenberry but for the past 24 hours I've been getting a message that aim is temporarily unavailable.Have you been having problems with it?

  9. Aw! I just popped over here via some other blogs and...wow, I know we can never say that we fully understand how someone else is feeling but I'm sure I've had my own version and it's so painful. This was so beautifully written, which definitely shows how hurt you are. I'm so sorry.

  10. Bone...You only get hurt and break your heart if you will allow others to do so. Remember that in each time you stumble and fall, you must get up because the world doesn't end there....I wonder if you believe in God. If you do then, you should pray and lift it all up to HIM to help you. Cuz that's what I did and believe me, God heard my prayers. I'm now whole again! :)

  11. Great post, definitely hit home with me.....as I've spent many nights in that situation, praying for daylight....I pack my days with so many tasks that I don't have time to think, so at night when I lay down to sleep, I am alone in the dark and my mind takes over engulfing me with pain and hurt.

  12. Wonderful post bone. And yes, they do still have those foam pads that are red on one side and blue on the other. Those things are never going to go out. Best of luck to you.

  13. kKyahgirl: I was thinking something similar. Shouldn't I outgrow this? Thanks for stopping by.

    G: Thank you. Pia apparently sent me lots of visitors today :)

    Katie: No, I haven't had any problems with AIM lately.

    Teresa: Thanks for the nice words, and thanks for visiting.

    VanillaSkies: Thanks. Part of me was relieved I could still feel that way.

    Redneck Girl: Yeah. Wasn't that a song, prayin' for daylight? How true.

    Jen: Oh, cool. I guess you can't improve on some things. I used to tear the corners off mine and make spit wads out of the foam.

  14. I hate crying too, though I have found there is relief and exhaustion that follows that makes it easier to sleep. It's kind of like a raging thunderstorm...you hate it and maybe are a little afraid of it while it's going on, but afterward, everything is so peaceful and clean.

    Remember your strength. As you know, you can find solace in writing and in talking with others.

    I'm here if you need to talk.

  15. I think crying is the best medicine. I know that it purges my emotions and gives me relief. It's ok to cry.

  16. Chickadee: Very nice and thoughtful comment. Thanks.

    Lass: We wouldn't have the ability were it not useful for something. I guess.

  17. It'll be okay. Just keep going...I feel for ya.