She called today.
Someone emailed her. Someone who reads my blog. To tell her I might not be doing alright. And she might want to check on me.
She did.
We talked. For an hour or so. At first it didn't help. Then it did.
She knows me. She told me things I didn't want to hear. But I needed to hear them.
Something about her grounds me. Reminds me where I'm from. Who I am.
By the end of the conversation, I felt better. Stronger.
Knowing that someone cared enough to pick up the phone and call when they heard I was down.
As the conversation faded, we talked about having dinner one night this week.
Maybe we will. Maybe we won't.
Maybe we won't chat again for three months. Maybe it doesn't matter.
Maybe knowing she's there when I need her, really need her, is more than enough.
Maybe an unexpected phone call and a one-hour conversation with an old friend on a Sunday afternoon was exactly what I needed.
"Ain't it funny how you always find just what you need. Somebody must be prayin' for me..."
"You can't always get what you want, you get what you need." A call from an old friend does the soul good. I hope the dinner plans work out too.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad the talk did you good.
ReplyDeleteWhile I'm glad you are feeling better dear brother, I am concerned that it wasn't your own 2 feet that got you there. It was delving into the hurt with someone you're still smarting over that helped make you feel stronger. Was it because you feel a hope that wasn't there before with her? If so, I fear only for more sleepless nights. Maybe Vegas should be put off until that you are able to look with both eyes and an open heart. As much as I adore you, and want your happiness, I can't endorse it when you are still "woven". Your Vegas friend deserves to have her heart looked after too. Hey C.
ReplyDeleteI challenge you to write a piece titled "Possibility" about where this road will lead you vs. the road where you lay SHE down and pick up a fresh start.
I did the "old friend" thing. He was marriage #2 when my family was destroyed. Hanging onto feelings that were and memories of what was good did nothing but encourage a ton of futile toil and heartache. In the end I had to leave for my safety and the safety of my children because he had come to resent that I couldn't make it ok and that I couldn't recapture for him that time that was good. I moved across the country again, and haven't so much as spoken to him since. I signed the divorce papers by mail, and ate a lot of his debt to free myself of this person who had been my whole world.
I'm jabbering, I think I'll continue this on my own site.
I'm here for you.
I'm glad you got that call. For me it helps, knowing that someone still cares, even if you know you can't make things work. That way at least you know that you meant something, that all your time, energy, and love that you invested wasn't in vain. I'm not sure how long you all have been apart....but I know it's too soon for me and my ex to have dinner and talk as friends.....we talk about the kids and are polite to eachother but.....hopefully someday we'll be able to have that friendship.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad the phone call made you feel better. Though I must say I'm worried about you and the idea of having dinner with her...would that really be a good idea? I had dinner with one of my exes before I got married and it was bittersweet and threw me off for awhile. I'm worried about your heart and whether or not you're ready for that. A phone call is one thing...but to see that person face-to-face is a completely different thing.
ReplyDeleteStill thinking and worrying about you.
I think that you would do a very nice tribute if you signed up for one.
ReplyDeleteHas there been anyone since she? I know there hasn't been anyone who mattered. It just seems to me that you don't want to move on.
And yet again, Dorothy is right that you shouldn't do Vegas until you're ready to move on. Whom ever is next deserves all of you and if you're still hanging on to she you won't be there for her.
I know you've done a lot of blogging about this, but something is holding you back from moving on. I haven't figured out what that is. Maybe you know already or maybe you need to talk to someone other than she and figure out what that is.
"If you love something, set it free. If it was yours, it will come back to you. And if it doesn't return, then it was never yours."
I second Dorothy's thoughts. While it's good to know she cares about your well-being, you can't depend on her to pull you out of the dumps every time.
ReplyDeleteI thought I had that one love that was everything. That no matter what, that one love was the be-all end-all and that nothing could replace it. Nothing can replace the times and the experiences and the feelings. But it is possible to find new experiences and new feelings with someone else. But first of all you have to build the confidence in you.
Don't look to replace. Don't look to compare. Package it up and put it in a safe place. One day you'll look back fondly on it, but it won't set you in a tailspin. Until that day, you won't be ready to move on.
Carnealian: Thanks, cutie! Hey, you're my first commenter. Just like the old days :)
ReplyDeleteCarmen: Thank you. I needed it.
Dorothy: Wow. It's hard to explain everything and answer all your concerns in a paragraph or two.
No, it's not because I feel a hope that wasn't there before. It's because she reminded me who I am, where I'm from. Sometimes I forget. Because it helps to know that someone cares enough to pick up the phone and call when they hear you're hurting. Because I never would have gone to her first. And many more reasons.
I consider the friendship she and I share one of the most rewarding relationships in my life. Why would I want to let that go.
PS: You call me Brandon. Am I supposed to call you Brenda? :)
RedNeckGirl: Thanks. We've been apart seven years. And have settled into being good friends. No jealousies. No expectations. Other than honesty. Maybe it's rare, but I hope you're able to reach that point eventually.
Chickadee: Thanks for your concern. That is very sweet. We've had dinner numerous times over the years. There's never the least bit of friction or anything bad. We catch up on our lives and fall right back into place.
Renee: Of course, I have dated other girls. They all mattered. Some people just remain in your life longer than others. Some people are there to stay.
I was never really considering going to Vegas. Sorry if you thought that. I thought that was just a fun thing ya'll had going on.
Lass: I could have gotten thru it alone. But having people who care, people to talk to, helps to speed up the process. I don't see what's wrong with that.
Lots of "maybe's" in your post.
ReplyDeleteGlad you're feeling better after your chat with her, though.
<3
Sorry if you misunderstood. I wasn't trying to say it was bad or wrong. People that lift you up are important. No one can do it alone.
ReplyDeleteOk Brandon Walsh, (can I call you that, too?, cuz I just think it's funny) I just wanted you to know that I meant the Vegas thing like you took it.
ReplyDeleteWhew, there's a lot of pressure out here in the Blogosphere - didn't mean to cause you added stress. It's nice to know Dorothy's got my back, though. ;)
I guess I should have asked has there been anyone SERIOUS since she. But you don't have to answer that one. It's none of my business.
ReplyDeleteIt just seemed to me an aweful long time to still be hung up on someone. Sorry to be so nosey, we just start to care about eachother out here and you just seem so hurt by this. The mother hen in me was just trying to be helpful. I guess it's good to know that I suck at this for when Darly starts dating, huh?
And the Vegas idea had kind of taken on a life of it's own. I wasn't thinking that you should go out there to hook up with C or anyone. It's just a fun place to go.
Maybe I should just shut up before I get my entire leg down my throat.
Blondie: Thanks, Blondie. Doing much better.
ReplyDeleteLass: No sorry :) I agree, no one can do it alone.
Carmen: Yes, you may. He was my favorite 90210 character. And I like being called that more than I should.
What shall I call you though? :)
Renee: Oh, stop it. It was just a post, not the whole story, about what I was feeling yesterday. It was a bit abstract. And I guess people tend to want to know more or fill in the spaces on their own.
We do start to care about each other. And I know care was behind your comment and I appreciate it.
While it is important to keep your cherished friends close, like an Elaine situation, I still think it would be more healthy if you weren't still hurting from that direction. Because even if it's just brushing up against a spot that is still tender, it reminds you of a bigger heartache.
ReplyDeleteI know that there is more to this, as experienced as I am about having shared some lesser feelings online. Feelings that aren't prominent but still there and need a voice. I'm just trying to validate that.
Although I still root for you and C, (like Luke and Laura and I never watched GH), your twists and turns obviously aren't cosmicly clicked into place just now. I hope it will change because I think it'd be incredible for you and for her. But what do I know? I'm just a fellow plodder on the YBR and I've never even been to Vegas.
Oh, and the friendship thing I get. I really do. I'd just ask myself if the comfort and ease associated with that friend is enough to counteract the feelings of "woven". If yes, mazel tov. If not, in my opinion (which is worth little) you should look at that.
Okay, okay, okay.
ReplyDeleteI finally see all of the "you shoulds" in here.
Bone, do what you feel your heart needs to do. Sometimes when you're in pain, doing things that may not be in your best interest can help.
Sometimes it takes a looooong time to get over people.
Sometimes you've just got to do what you've got to do and allow yourself to go through the motions and get over it at your own speed.
Everyone's been through this before. But everyone's situation is different and everyone has a different way of handling life's troubles.
If you think having dinner with her might make you feel better, even if you're harboring old feelings and going for the "wrong" reasons, GO!
You are your own. And your feelings need to be nursed in their own way. Deal with your life the way you find fit.
Also - on quite a different note - THIS IS YOUR DIARY! I have half mind to believe that a lot of your "maybes" are just that. And that some of what you say are just thoughts. Sometimes getting it all out in words helps the mind to come to conclusions.
Alright.
Love ya.
Heavens.
ReplyDeleteI guess I am taking a completely different perspective here.
We don't know the whole story, so I don't know how we could begin to pass judgement on what happened or how you're dealing with it.
As for HER . . . wonderful! It's great that you have a support system of old friends that call when you need them most. Those people that KNOW you deep down and can remind you of where you are, where you've been and where you come from. Sounds like you needed someone to ground you and help you realize that you will get through this and that no matter what happens, you will find someone who loves you and who will love and respect you back.
I don't think that you were depending on her to pull you from your depression. I don't think any of us can depend on anyone but ourselves for such things. But having friends like HER helps. We shouldn't be expected to do things alone. Especially in situations like this. Your heart needed reminding that you've been through this before and you got over it. That WHO you are and how YOU feel is what matters most.
Depend on your friends to help.
Depend on yourself to survive.
You'll get through this and be a better man because of it.
Oh, and WTF is all this Vegas talk about??? Did I miss something??????
"It's two steps forward and three steps back, when a heart is on the mend."
Dorothy: Woven is a good thing to me. I think some people are woven into the fabric of our lives. And can't be removed without risking everything unraveling. OK, so maybe that's a bit dramatic :)
ReplyDeleteBlondie: Thanks, Blondie. Your last paragraph is right on.
KingOnTheRiver: Thanks. I would have gotten thru it on my own. Never crossed my mind that I'd get a call from one of my oldest friends. But I did. And it helped.
"It's two steps forward and three steps back, when a heart is on the mend."
Very true.
one call from a 'friend' even can safe someone from a suicide.
ReplyDelete:) see! What did I tell you about prayer being powerful (giggles!). Glad you felt better after that! :) That's TRULY GOOD!
ReplyDelete