Southern bachelor nights

Went swimming tonight. I've lived in this town for almost a year and had never been to the city pool. An old friend, we'll call her Jamie, asked me to go. She reads my blog occasionally but says since I use fake names she can't ever figure out who's who.

Basically it was me, Jamie, fifty kids between the ages of three and sixteen, about fifteen parents, and one very cute (hopefully) eighteen-year-old lifeguard. As stated before, I'm no good at ages, so she could have been anywhere from twenty-one down to embarrassed-I-was-looking-at-her.

She kept looking at me, but it was probably more of a where-is-that-guy's-kid or an I-better-keep-an-eye-on-this-old-guy-who-keeps-gasping-for-breath look. I thought about yelling at some random kid from time to time. "Connor! Behave!"

All in all, I must admit it was a lot of fun. There were a couple of diving boards, a regular one and a high dive, a couple of slides. And I am sure I will have more than a couple of sore muscles in the morning.

And now it's time for more bachelor tales.

The other night, I was hungry, and began rummaging thru the kitchen for something to fix for supper. My first idea was to fix some fish sticks, macaroni & cheese, and green beans.

But I realized that I only have two pots, and one of them was dirty. I used to have three, but I think the handle broke off of one, or I used it to drain the oil out of my car or something.

Rather than quickly washing the dirty pot by hand, which I seem to have forgotten how to do, I decided to put it into the dishwasher. Along with the other dishes that were piled in the sink. So that idea was out, because I'd need two pots for beans and macaroni.

Back to square one, I remembered I had bought a big pack of Butterball sandwich meat, chicken and turkey, the last time I was at the grocery store. I decided to have a sandwich and a big glass of chocolate milk.

The sandwich meat was fine. However, my bread was two days old. And the chocolate milk was three. Right on that line of it might be OK to drink, but there's a fair chance it could make me sick. This, my friends, is an all too common situation in the life of the bachelor.

Remembering that I have a five-year no-vomit streak going, I decided not to chance the milk. So I put it back in the fridge. Then examined the bread. While it was definitely not what I would call fresh, there were no greenish or other abnormal growths visible to the naked eye.

Therefore, I went with the turkey and cheese sandwich. On two-day old bread. With a soft drink. I may run out of fresh bread and milk, and... clean pots. But I always have the fridge stocked with three or four different kinds of cokes. That's a staple.

A couple of nights later, my sister called out of the blue.

"Are you watching CMT?"
"No. Why?"
"Turn over there. George Strait is on Hee Haw."

Now there's something you don't hear everyday. Unless I unknowingly hit 88 miles per hour in a Delorean and this is indeed 1985. In which case I'm going back up to the pool to check out the lifeguard.

Does anyone remember Hee Haw? I can't even believe I'm typing Hee Haw. I'm sure at least a few of you do. As I recall, it came on here Saturday nights at 6:30. And my parents made me watch it every single week. I hated that show. And I got so sick of that stupid donkey.

Well apparently, I like it now. The show, that is. Not the donkey. I turned over there and George was singing "Amarillo By Morning." I watched the rest of that episode and part of another. And I've caught it on a couple more times since then.

As I was sitting here tonight, thinking about what I was going to post, Shane called.

"What are you doing?"
"Nothing much."
"Are you watching CMT?"
"No."
"Turn it over there right quick."

Yep. You guessed it.

Nothing says southern more than Hee Haw. Except maybe some fatback, fried flat potatoes, and blackeyed peas.

And nothing says bachelor more than two-day old bread. Except maybe globs of dried toothpaste in the sink. I don't know why they make it so hard to keep it on the toothbrush.

"Night swimming in her diamond dress. Making small circles move across the surface. Stand watching from the steady shore, feeling wide open..."