Monday, July 31, 2006

Southern bachelor nights

Went swimming tonight. I've lived in this town for almost a year and had never been to the city pool. An old friend, we'll call her Jamie, asked me to go. She reads my blog occasionally but says since I use fake names she can't ever figure out who's who.

Basically it was me, Jamie, fifty kids between the ages of three and sixteen, about fifteen parents, and one very cute (hopefully) eighteen-year-old lifeguard. As stated before, I'm no good at ages, so she could have been anywhere from twenty-one down to embarrassed-I-was-looking-at-her.

She kept looking at me, but it was probably more of a where-is-that-guy's-kid or an I-better-keep-an-eye-on-this-old-guy-who-keeps-gasping-for-breath look. I thought about yelling at some random kid from time to time. "Connor! Behave!"

All in all, I must admit it was a lot of fun. There were a couple of diving boards, a regular one and a high dive, a couple of slides. And I am sure I will have more than a couple of sore muscles in the morning.

And now it's time for more bachelor tales.

The other night, I was hungry, and began rummaging thru the kitchen for something to fix for supper. My first idea was to fix some fish sticks, macaroni & cheese, and green beans.

But I realized that I only have two pots, and one of them was dirty. I used to have three, but I think the handle broke off of one, or I used it to drain the oil out of my car or something.

Rather than quickly washing the dirty pot by hand, which I seem to have forgotten how to do, I decided to put it into the dishwasher. Along with the other dishes that were piled in the sink. So that idea was out, because I'd need two pots for beans and macaroni.

Back to square one, I remembered I had bought a big pack of Butterball sandwich meat, chicken and turkey, the last time I was at the grocery store. I decided to have a sandwich and a big glass of chocolate milk.

The sandwich meat was fine. However, my bread was two days old. And the chocolate milk was three. Right on that line of it might be OK to drink, but there's a fair chance it could make me sick. This, my friends, is an all too common situation in the life of the bachelor.

Remembering that I have a five-year no-vomit streak going, I decided not to chance the milk. So I put it back in the fridge. Then examined the bread. While it was definitely not what I would call fresh, there were no greenish or other abnormal growths visible to the naked eye.

Therefore, I went with the turkey and cheese sandwich. On two-day old bread. With a soft drink. I may run out of fresh bread and milk, and... clean pots. But I always have the fridge stocked with three or four different kinds of cokes. That's a staple.

A couple of nights later, my sister called out of the blue.

"Are you watching CMT?"
"No. Why?"
"Turn over there. George Strait is on Hee Haw."

Now there's something you don't hear everyday. Unless I unknowingly hit 88 miles per hour in a Delorean and this is indeed 1985. In which case I'm going back up to the pool to check out the lifeguard.

Does anyone remember Hee Haw? I can't even believe I'm typing Hee Haw. I'm sure at least a few of you do. As I recall, it came on here Saturday nights at 6:30. And my parents made me watch it every single week. I hated that show. And I got so sick of that stupid donkey.

Well apparently, I like it now. The show, that is. Not the donkey. I turned over there and George was singing "Amarillo By Morning." I watched the rest of that episode and part of another. And I've caught it on a couple more times since then.

As I was sitting here tonight, thinking about what I was going to post, Shane called.

"What are you doing?"
"Nothing much."
"Are you watching CMT?"
"Turn it over there right quick."

Yep. You guessed it.

Nothing says southern more than Hee Haw. Except maybe some fatback, fried flat potatoes, and blackeyed peas.

And nothing says bachelor more than two-day old bread. Except maybe globs of dried toothpaste in the sink. I don't know why they make it so hard to keep it on the toothbrush.

"Night swimming in her diamond dress. Making small circles move across the surface. Stand watching from the steady shore, feeling wide open..."


  1. I miss swimming at night. I haven't done that in years. You know the best kind of night swimming is nekkid night swimming, which I do not recommend you do with small children around.

    I think bread and milk companies should make smaller packages of each. Well, I guess you could be a quart or smaller size of milk, but my bread, if I ever buy it always goes bad. I have some rolls on the picnic table as I write this that need to go out to the birds.

    Noticeably...chips, pretzels, ice cream, cake and candy NEVER go bad in my house. Must be some sort of phenom.

  2. I'm about to say something that makes me a redneck.

    SALUT! (being yelled from the Hee Haw cornfield)

    Ok, now that's out of the way, you have a pool with a high dive? Wow, I thought they'd been banned or something. :)

    We bachelorettes don't even TRY to cook at home. We get take out. ;)

  3. I've never seen Hee Haw.

    City Pools are the best! Did you go off the high dive?

  4. Oh, and I forgot. You can call me Andrea Zuckerman, as I was the big overacheiver in high school.

  5. Carnealian: I usually buy the half gallon milk. And sometimes can find a 1/2 loaf of bread. Still, I never eat it all.

    Yeah, I usually half chips, popcorn, and cookies, too.

    Carmen: Hahaha! Yesss. Saaaaa-lut!

    I usually do take out, too. Gets old sometimes though.

    OK, you're Andrea from now on. I like it. Just remember, you're going to school out of district. You have to stay on me about making deadlines. And, don't date any teachers.

    Lindsy: Yes, I went off the high dive. It wasn't that high. Just higher than the other one.

    I'll buy the Hee Haw DVD's and we can watch them next time I see you.

  6. FAB post.

    I've never heard of Hee Haw... though I love George Straight and "Amarillo by Morning".

    "Turn it over there right quick" is more southern than anything, though, darling.

    I love that you make single life sound so amusing. Maybe it's just because I'm a girl, and I throw away my bread long before I think it may have gone bad. That, or I'll keep it in the fridge so it doesn't mold so quickly. OCD, maybe?

  7. OMG! Nick and I were watching Hee Haw Sunday night! Except we only caught it at the very end. I used to LOVE that show, but my parents never wanted to watch it. Hee Haw! Hee Haw!

    OK, two-day-old bread isn't old. Neither is three-day-old milk. That's why it has expiration dates. Now, if it was three days past it's expriration date, that'd be another story. I've NEVER gotten sick from driking milk three days after I opened it.

  8. lol....I haven't seen hee haw in forever! I didn't know it was back on tv. Damn, now you got me wanting fried potatoes.

  9. I do remember Hee Haw. I didn't like it either. Blah. But I love the song Amarillo by Morning. I was sitting in the dr's office last week bitterly complaining/texting a friend that I was being forced to listen to country in the waiting room when that song came on and my whole 'tude changed. That is one terrific song. *sigh* :)


  10. Now there's something you don't hear everyday. Unless I unknowingly hit 88 miles per hour in a Delorean and this is indeed 1985. In which case I'm going back up to the pool to check out the lifeguard.

    Love that part. ;)

    Wouldn't the bachelor pad also have beard hairs in the sink? I'm thinking that's a staple. And they always seem to be low on toilet paper or the roll is just sitting on top of the roll thingy not on it.

    i have a milk phobia and when the due date is up, down the drain goes the milk.

  11. Where oh where
    Are you tonight?

    Why did you leave me
    Here all alone

    I searched the world over
    And thought I found true love

    You met another and
    You was gone!

    Bone- We OWN that DVD!!! We also have the complete set of the old Buck Owens Ranch Videos. Party at my house! Woo Hoo.

    Oh, and put the Green beans in a cereal bowl in the microwave for 2 minutes with butter and lemon pepper. Or wrap them in foil and stick them on the top rack of your dishwasher when you run your load.

  12. I remember Hee Haw. Its funny you mentioned it... i went to my sister's on saturday and they had the tv on Hee Haw! No one was really watching though. But still! I had totally forgotten about it. I watched it when i was really young... my parents and i think even my grandparents watched it.

    She and I broke out in song.... and agony on me!!!

  13. ROTFLOL at Dorothy's "Where oh Where" comment. I still sing that from time to time and Darly looks at me like I'm from another planet...but DH gets me.
    Yeah, we were forced to watch Hee Haw as we only had 3 channels growing up until we finally got PBS and that was so cool to have 4. And we only had one TV.

    If you keep the bread in the frig, it will stay fresh longer...and you can store it in the freezer too. I've been known to break the loaf up into parts, freeze some, frig some and the rest on the counter.

    Nothing can be done to save the milk..."Sometimes, Bad is Bad..."

    And while I have more pots and pans than you do, I too have been known to change dinner plans based on which ones are clean. Oh and have you done the pull a pot out of the dishwasher so that you can fit 3 plates in that the pot for the next run?

    Now I'm hungry...darn it.

  14. I had to go make fish for lunch...come see the recipe, it's good for single folks.

  15. Blondie: I don't think it's OCD. Probably closer to smart and having common sense.

    Glad you liked the right quick.

    Lass: Oh, well, that's what I meant by three days old. Three days past expiration date. As I recall, it expired July 24th, and I was considering drinking it July 27th :)

    Sorry if that wasn't clear.

    Oh. Please don't make the donkey noise :)

    RedNeckGirl: Mmhmm! Actually, in my head I was saying "fried taters" but I typed out potatoes.

    Circe: Yes, it is. They took my saddle in Houston, broke my leg in Santa Fe. Lost my wife and a girlfriend, somewhere along the way...

    Ms. Sizzle: Ah, very astute, Miss Sizzle. There are indeed beard hairs everywhere, typically. However, I had dinner with a friend Saturday night and I cleaned the bathroom beforehand as I knew it was a possibility she might use it :)

    Also, water always splatters all over the bathroom mirror. How does that happen?

    I'm pretty good about the toilet paper though.

    Dorothy: Thanks for the tip. If I had only know. I might try the microwave. No way I'm putting them in the dishwasher though. Germophobia kicking in.

    Kerry: Another great Hee Haw standard. Blue despair and agony on me...

    Renee: I remember having like five channels. Two NBC affiliates, one ABC, one CBS, and PBS. Then Fox appeared. Then we got VHF. Channels 2 thru 13! Except that the VHF knob was broken off our Zenith TV and we had to turn it with a pair of pliers :)

    Yeah, I've made certain dishes sit out a round because it was full.

  16. Man I've got three words for you: George Forman Grill.

    I don't know what I would ever eat without it. Probably be one starving bachelor. :)

    I throw out bread if it's tough. Rarely ever check for Penicillin. I've never had milk go bad. Every morning I drink at least one glass. My parents told me that after I moved out, they switched to buying 1/2 gallon jugs.

    Hee Haw was awesome. My grandparents and I used to watch Hee Haw, The Grand Ole Opry, Golden Girls, Empty Nest, and finally Hunter almost every Saturday night when I was a wee one.

    BTW: I finally posted my Asheville story, and would like to hear your thoughts. A forewarning, it's pretty long.

  17. Bone- Its GLOOM, Despair and Agony on me.
    This Deep Dark Depression, Excessive Misery.

    Oh, and the Green Beans, dude- it's like a thousand degrees in the dishwasher. And antibacterial soap on the outside of the sealed foil. You could install a garbage disposal in your shower and cut down on some other dishware as well.

  18. Microwaving veggies:

    Canned - empty into microwave safe container, cover with plastic wrap (I like Glad press n seal) and nuke for about 2 minutes.

    Fresh - cut into no bigger than bite sized pieces. Cover the bottom of your continer with a layer of water, no more than 2/8" deep. Put your veggies in, salt, cover with wrap and nuke for 3 to 5 min depending on the thickness and texture of the veggies.

    Frozen - pretty much the same as fresh, only it will usually take 5 min.

    Allow all types to rest on the counter for at least a minute before lifting the wrap and serving.

    The microwave - it's not just for popcorn & frozen dinners anymore.

    And I'm so with you on the germaphobe cooking with the dishwasher thing... besides my dishwasher has a timer so I can set it to go off at night while we're sleeping. I'll see you and Putty at the meeting. ;)

  19. My parents are country music fanatics so Hee Haw was a staple show in our household growing up.

    I'm beginning to think that I'm more of a bachelor than you are seeing as how I have no food in my fridge right now and when I do, I tend to cook everything in the microwave because it's faster and easier. No pots to dirty. Just microwave the green beans in a microwavable container and then eat right out of the container. One dish cooking.

  20. If talking about city pools, Hee haw, and yucky bachelor foods can elicit this reaction, I have so missed my calling But I've been incapicated for the past half decade or so

  21. Big Man: Oh man, of course I have a Foreman. I use it more than anything to cook. You're right, it's a bachelor's best friend. In the kitchen, anyway.

    Dorothy: It is? And to think all these years I was saying blue. Kinda like that Kenny Rogers song that I always used to think said, "With four hundred children and a crop in the field." Turned out to be four hungry children.

    Who knew!

    I've thought about putting a garbage disposal in my shower. Do you have a radish rose recipe?

    Renee: I should really print these things out. Like your microwave slogan. You should be in advertising.

    "Hennigans. No tell, no smell Scotch."

    Xinh: Is there a pair of dirty underwear on your bedroom floor right this minute? Cos there is on mine. Been there for three days :)

    We should make up a "how much of a bachelor or bachelorette are you" quiz.

    Genie: Oh, I just got your Laura on GH reference the third time I read this comment :)

  22. Hey there bachelor man, did you think of just hand-washing the dishes? *gasp*.

    I know you mentioned thinking about washing that pot, but you didn't. Why not?

    I shouldn't be one to throw stones at glass houses, because I'm just as bad. I've been known to reuse a pot a few times if I'm dining on Ramen noodles. LOL.

  23. What a nice peek into bachelor life ;). You can borrow the little guy anytime, ha ha.

  24. Chickadee: Yes, but since I moved into my current abode and have an automatic dishwasher for the first time in my life, that rarely crosses my mind :)

    DuckDuck: It's usually much more exciting.... OK, so it isn't. But thanks for stopping by anyway :)

  25. I'm the mom of two with a man and half the stuff that was mentioned in these comments exist in my house...

    toothpaste hardened on the sink...
    bread trimmings...
    checking the milk...
    water splashes on the mirror...but I'm sure I know how mine get there *eyes the five year old*
    switching of plans because of the dishes situation...
    oh and I would die without my foreman grill... it's everyones best friend...well in the kitchen...I have others for other rooms in the house ;)


  26. Where Oh Where are you Tonight?
    Why did you leave me here all alone?
    I searched the world over and thought I found true love!
    But you met another and :P you were gone!

  27. shit, I just noticed, Dorothy somebody beat me to the punch. I was so excited, and now I'm kinda sad.

  28. Rae: Um, is it OK if you do see a bit of green on the bread just to tear that part off? Cause I've done that, and I'm fine. I think.

    Crys: Such are the lows and highs of If You Read Only One Blog This Year.

    Hang in there, kiddo. I'm sure you'll get 'em next time.

  29. I have to admit man...
    I have done that on occasion... when the kids go away for the week to grandmas house the bread goes bad.. when they're here they'll go thru a loaf a day...
    So yes because I'm a lazy ass... I have picked off the green parts.

    I'm fine ;)


  30. Rae: Haha. OK. Glad to know I'm not the only one. What is it about the blogs that make us admit such things.