Maybe it's Chelsea Clinton

Still upset that I missed/didn't know about Rachel Ray on Letterman last night. Don't know when I'll recover. Kyle just sent me a text message that says "happy hump day." That helps. Somehow :-S

As most of you know, I recently moved. In doing so, I decided to keep a landline (for now), and my number changed. As I mentioned in an earlier post, my new number is 555-BUTT. That's all well and good. Easy to remember, etc. Within a day or two of my new number being connected, I began to receive telemarketing calls. I then went online to sign up for the National Do Not Call list. This had worked quite well at my old place. However, it's been about a month since I signed up here and I'm still getting calls. If I see "private", "unavailable", or a toll free number on the Caller ID, I just don't answer. But anyway, that's really not what this story is about.

Since I've been here, I've also gotten calls and messages from people who seem to be looking for a particular person. I've probably gotten three or four messages for some girl named Chelsea. The first I remember asked if she needed them to come by and pick her up for church. The most recent was last night. Now keep in mind, my answering machine message is me singing the following:

"Believe it or not, Bone isn't at home.
Please leave a message at the beep.
I must be out, or I'd pick up the phone.
Oh, where could I be?
Believe it or not, I'm not hoooooome."

So one would think when someone called and got this message, they would realize fairly quickly something had changed, and this probably wasn't who they were trying to reach. But no, last night some lady says, "Oh, I just love your message. This is (unintelligible) from (insert church name here). I'm just calling to let Chelsea know we've been missing her on Wednesday nights. And I wanted to let her know our service begins tomorrow night at 7:45." I just want to pick up the phone and go, "Yes, this is Chelsea's Dad. She is not allowed to associate with you snake-charming, tongue-speaking fanatics anymore, lest you brainwash her. Don't ever call here again! Goodbye!" :-)

Then, there's this guy with an accent who calls. He's called two or three times and he is nearly yelling every time. His message is something like, (in a middle-Eastern accent) "Mister (can't tell what he says), this is (whomever). Really need to speak with you. It is very urgent matter! Very important that you return my call!" I wonder if whoever had the number before me was a terrorist.

And remember, each time they call, they're getting the singing phone message with my name in it. And besides that, I thought the phone company didn't reassign the same number for like six months after it had been cancelled. I used to work for the phone company, so I almost know they don't. So how does this happen?

Oh, that also reminds me, a few years ago, I got two or three long messages at my old place from what sounded like a little kid. I would guess he was probably 10-12 years old. And again, I had the singing phone machine message even then. But he would go on and on in these long, drawn out messages, alternating between sadness and angry screaming. It would be like, "Pick up the phone, Joey. I know you're there. (screaming) Why won't you talk to me?!?!? Are you mad at me, Joey? Did I make you mad? Pick up the phone!!! I know you can hear me. (almost crying now) Call me, Joey." Geez, it was like one of my ex-girlfriends was calling again. It was hilarious, but sad at the same time.

Anyway, when I was assigned 555-BUTT, I didn't complain. I didn't try to get it changed. No, I embraced the BUTT. I cherished it. And I was fully prepared for booty calls, phone sex solicitors, proctology questions, and the like. But picking up Chelsea for church on Wednesday night? Business calls from Najib Abdul Musabi? Oy vey!

555-BUTT isn't all it's cracked up to be.

"Daylight licked me into shape. I must have been asleep for days. And moving lips to breathe her name, I opened up my eyes..."