Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Maybe it's Chelsea Clinton

Still upset that I missed/didn't know about Rachel Ray on Letterman last night. Don't know when I'll recover. Kyle just sent me a text message that says "happy hump day." That helps. Somehow :-S

As most of you know, I recently moved. In doing so, I decided to keep a landline (for now), and my number changed. As I mentioned in an earlier post, my new number is 555-BUTT. That's all well and good. Easy to remember, etc. Within a day or two of my new number being connected, I began to receive telemarketing calls. I then went online to sign up for the National Do Not Call list. This had worked quite well at my old place. However, it's been about a month since I signed up here and I'm still getting calls. If I see "private", "unavailable", or a toll free number on the Caller ID, I just don't answer. But anyway, that's really not what this story is about.

Since I've been here, I've also gotten calls and messages from people who seem to be looking for a particular person. I've probably gotten three or four messages for some girl named Chelsea. The first I remember asked if she needed them to come by and pick her up for church. The most recent was last night. Now keep in mind, my answering machine message is me singing the following:

"Believe it or not, Bone isn't at home.
Please leave a message at the beep.
I must be out, or I'd pick up the phone.
Oh, where could I be?
Believe it or not, I'm not hoooooome."

So one would think when someone called and got this message, they would realize fairly quickly something had changed, and this probably wasn't who they were trying to reach. But no, last night some lady says, "Oh, I just love your message. This is (unintelligible) from (insert church name here). I'm just calling to let Chelsea know we've been missing her on Wednesday nights. And I wanted to let her know our service begins tomorrow night at 7:45." I just want to pick up the phone and go, "Yes, this is Chelsea's Dad. She is not allowed to associate with you snake-charming, tongue-speaking fanatics anymore, lest you brainwash her. Don't ever call here again! Goodbye!" :-)

Then, there's this guy with an accent who calls. He's called two or three times and he is nearly yelling every time. His message is something like, (in a middle-Eastern accent) "Mister (can't tell what he says), this is (whomever). Really need to speak with you. It is very urgent matter! Very important that you return my call!" I wonder if whoever had the number before me was a terrorist.

And remember, each time they call, they're getting the singing phone message with my name in it. And besides that, I thought the phone company didn't reassign the same number for like six months after it had been cancelled. I used to work for the phone company, so I almost know they don't. So how does this happen?

Oh, that also reminds me, a few years ago, I got two or three long messages at my old place from what sounded like a little kid. I would guess he was probably 10-12 years old. And again, I had the singing phone machine message even then. But he would go on and on in these long, drawn out messages, alternating between sadness and angry screaming. It would be like, "Pick up the phone, Joey. I know you're there. (screaming) Why won't you talk to me?!?!? Are you mad at me, Joey? Did I make you mad? Pick up the phone!!! I know you can hear me. (almost crying now) Call me, Joey." Geez, it was like one of my ex-girlfriends was calling again. It was hilarious, but sad at the same time.

Anyway, when I was assigned 555-BUTT, I didn't complain. I didn't try to get it changed. No, I embraced the BUTT. I cherished it. And I was fully prepared for booty calls, phone sex solicitors, proctology questions, and the like. But picking up Chelsea for church on Wednesday night? Business calls from Najib Abdul Musabi? Oy vey!

555-BUTT isn't all it's cracked up to be.

"Daylight licked me into shape. I must have been asleep for days. And moving lips to breathe her name, I opened up my eyes..."


  1. You need a life, BUTT. And there is no such thing as having your ex-girlfriends call you. If they do, it is most definitely a mistake. I mean, they dumped you at least once so why would they want you back?

    Yes... you need a life.

  2. Hey! I just tried to call you. Some girl said you were all tied up though and couldn't come to the phone. Are you OK Bone? Bone? Hello? All tied up?

  3. I got a call the other day that weirded me out big time...

    some guy called and after hearing the message say that Rae and Raistlan are not available at this time...beeeep!

    "Hi I am calling from the National Poo Poo Organization, we are calling to inform you that your Poo Poo sticks and if this continues we will have to come and clear up this situattion in person! Happy Pooping"

    I looked at the phone and thought... wtf?!?!
    then started laughing as I realized the jackass didn't even block his number from showing up on my caller id...

    some strange ass people out there

  4. Used to have a phone number that was one number off a dentist's. People would call setting up and cancelling appointments

    Hello! My message was so obviously not an office

    I actually called the dentist twice to give the messages. Then I realized how stupid that was

    So all the messages would be deleted immediately. Felt a tinge a guilt about the final arrangements for a conference call for something important, but...

  5. I get wrong numbers often...and they leave messages. Now, my message is no where near as creative as yours, but I repeat my phone number..duh!

    There's another person in the central PA area with the same name as me. And, she apparently does work with the Hershey Bears hockey team. They call me too. Which is kinda fun because I can volunteer for stuff and never really have to do it.

  6. Lightyear: Hey, no one told you to get married.

    Lass: Um, yeah, um, sorry about that. That was Svetlana.

    Rae: Sorry about that. I was just dialing random number. You didn't have to tell everyone ;-)

    Pia: "I actually called the dentist twice to give the messages. Then I realized how stupid that was"

    That just reminded me of the Seinfeld when people dial Kramer's number trying to get the movie listings. He ends up looking up movies for everyone anyway.

    Carnealian: I tried repeating my phone number. Can't fit it into the song :-)

  7. Hey Jeff. Just peeking in to say hello. Miss ya, darlin'!

  8. Bone-

    I had a prob with that too not to long ago... I was just hoping this one wasn't wrong number... figures


  9. svetlana? hmmm. are you into russian bone? also, did you always have hemingway on your profile and i just missed it? seriously, i love him too!

  10. Blonde: Was wondering where you'd been.

    OCG: Go Stanford!

    Crys: Yes. Just And yes, I've always had Hem on there.

  11. At my last apartment we only used the phone for internet, neither of us gave the number out so we rarely answered it. One day I came home, pushed play and had a 5 minute message from a sad little boy telling his [estranged] daddy all about his special day at school and how he wasn't there..."why daddy, why?"

    Broke. my. heart....

  12. Back when I had a land line (I only have a cell phone now), I used to have the old number for Ray Brown. I'd get tons of messages for him from newspapers and magazines wanting to interview him, and then I'd get messages from his dentist's office and music stores. I had to do a little digging on the Internet to find out that Ray Brown was this famous jazz musician who was once married to Ella Fitzgerald.

    After a while, I got tired of having messages left for Ray Brown even though my answering machine clearly said "Xinh's not at home." Finally, I had to say in my message that this wasn't the number for Ray Brown. Yet people still left messages for him.