Monday, March 12, 2007

Putting the fun in reFUNd

I spent part of yesterday getting tax stuff ready. As a single person slightly above the poverty line and with no children, I don't really get a lot of tax breaks. Or so I thought. I started digging around for additional deductions I might claim, and I think you'll be pleasantly surprised at what I found.

For example, did you know I can claim Pablo as a dependent? I looked up information on dependents on the Internal Refund Service website. Well, I couldn't really understand any of that, but I looked up "dependent" in the dictionary. It is defined as, "one who relies on another for support." Hello! If that's not Pablo, I don't know what is.

I submit for your consideration the following comparison: Pablo versus a child. A child eventually learns to dress itself, bathe itself (hopefully), and feed itself. Pablo positions himself near the top of his tank and waits for pellets to fall from the sky. That's the extent of his feeding himself. I don't really see him hopping out of the tank and strutting downstairs for some chips and queso. Although I really don't know what he does all day while I'm at work.

I am also planning to deduct my water bill for the year. Water should be free. It's part of nature. Next thing you know, they'll be charging us for trees. And air. A nickel per cubic foot. How would you measure that? Exactly! You couldn't. This is the United States of America, for crying out loud! The letters to spell water can be found right in our name! Well, all except for the W.

Next, I've decided we should all get a $1000 clothes allowance per year. This comes under my theory of "anything I have to buy in order to not violate a law the government has passed should be deductible." If I don't wear clothes, it's indecent exposure. So unless they plan on including How To Use A Loom as part of the public school curriculum, clothes are deductible.

I'm also claiming money spent on music--CD's, iPods, iTunes, etc. Because honestly, without my music, I would have long ago gone postal. Then the government would be responsible for a messy clean-up and lengthy trial. Music is saving the government money, and therefore should be deductible.

Finally, I think all money spent on dates and courting should be deductible. We're taking women out trying to trick them into marrying us, and later bearing our children, thus contributing to the preservation of the species, and on a smaller scale, our country. I've prepared a simple diagram to explain. (See fig. 1.1A)

(fig. 1.1A)
Phase one: Dating
Phase two: ???
Phase three: Children (Where children = future taxpayers)


Anyway, according to my preliminary calculations, I should be getting back $1200 more than I paid in taxes last year. Sweet!

On a completely unrelated note, if I were to stop blogging all of a sudden, don't be alarmed. I'll see you all in three to five years.

"If your woman steps out with another man, and she runs off with him to Japan. And the IRS says they want to chat, and you can't explain why you claimed your cat..."

30 comments:

  1. I think that all sounds perfectly legit. Go for it!! And, I used absolutely free H & R Block software to do my taxes. Seriously, go to irs.gov and click on the free link. It figures all the stuff out for you!!

    I also live just above the poverty line have no kids but am a student. That's the key...I got a whopper back!! WHOO!!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Fabulous ideas!

    I also submit that we should be able to write off any and all vehicle expenses. I mean, seriously, the main reason we have a vehicle is to transport ourselves back and forth to work.

    Since at least 25% (or in my case, 33% or more) of our wages go to taxes - technically, we're working for the government. Work for the government should equal a deduction from what we owe the government. Right?

    I'm jealous of Carnealian. There's no way I can do my own taxes. I spent two hours with an accountant Friday working on them and I've got a conference call with her today. I just wanna strangle myself. Or every member of the IRS.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Kids and a mortgage....I'm getting a boatload back! Those sound like legit deductions. Don't forget to claim all the old clothes that you dontated to charity from last year!!

    (you're hysterical...I needed that laugh today)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Teach how to use a loom?

    Bone, how does your mind work?

    I don't drive, don't own a car but instead of getting any breaks I pay a fuel surplus tax

    I do think that you should get a break for Pablo, and also put a recent picture of him in here

    ReplyDelete
  5. This was the funniest post you've done in a while!!!! So funny, I'm linking to you!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  6. esmerelda is right... clothing donations count.

    My problem is, I always forget about the clothing donations by the time I have to do my taxes.

    (oh, who am I kidding... my dad does my taxes, and when he won't do it anyone; I'll find another nice gentleman to do them.)

    ReplyDelete
  7. oh, If you get that deduction for Pablo let me know.

    I have a needy dependant at my house that I'm sure could get me a good one.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Pffft. Three to five?

    Short-changing yourself there, aren't you, mister?

    I say they'd give you ten in the slammer, based on your rugged good looks.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Carnealian: Well, I'm done now :) But thanks, I'll try and remember that for next year.

    Avery Laine: You're confusing me, but did you know government employees don't even have to pay taxes? OK, I'm just kidding, but that was funny, don't you think :)

    Also, I'm not sure how practical it would be to strangle oneself.

    Esmerelda: OK, so this reminds me, I really need to clean out my closet!

    Pia: Yes, a loom. I don't expect you city folk to know what that is ;)

    Pablo freaks at the sight of a camera. He must have been hounded by the paparazzi in a past life or something, I'm not sure.

    Arlene: Oh wow, thanks! And thanks for the linkage :)

    DCChick: I think you should go ahead and claim it. When I came in from work today, I greeted Pablo with: "How is my little tax deduction?"

    Eileen: I say they'd give you ten in the slammer, based on your rugged good looks.

    OK, I'm saving this one. It's going in the IYROOBTY Comment Hall of Fame :)

    The maximum sentence for tax evasion is five years. I looked it up :)

    (Hmm, perhaps I'm putting a bit much thought into these posts.)

    ReplyDelete
  10. I tried to deduct my LaLa and it didn't work.

    Good luck may you have many happy returns!

    ReplyDelete
  11. I like how you think. It makes no sense to anyone but you. That's how it should be.

    ReplyDelete
  12. then we should claim Trina, Trudy & Lilly too! Oh and my clothing allowance needs to be bigger for shoes to go along with it. Every where we go says "No shirt, no shoes, no service." It's required, so it should be a write off.

    What do married folks get if you get a dating allowance?

    ReplyDelete
  13. oh and don't forget to claim the fish obedience training.

    ReplyDelete
  14. The maximum sentence for tax evasion is five years. I looked it up :)

    Yeah, but you'll be convicted of breaking men's hearts, too.

    ReplyDelete
  15. We're taking women out trying to trick them into marrying us

    If you end up in the slammer, you won't have to worry about that anymore at the very least: you'll have men begging you to move to Canada with them! :-)

    But... who would take care of Pablo then? And do you think you could use that defense in court?

    ReplyDelete
  16. I claim Sharky as a dependent.

    I buy him food, I keep a roof over his head, and I pay for his medical expenses (animal insurance isn't cheap you know!).

    As long as I pay my taxes in the end on the money that I claim for him, the government can't say anything.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Hey,I also a fish(a,4 year old, betta named Max) that also is scared to death of digital cameras(but is ok with a non-digital photo shoot),and my other fish,mollies in a 10-gallon tank, don't care one bit,though the mollies don't have much personality compared to bettas,that are not living in tiny cups at the pet store.Yes I'm somewhat of an animal person and like(mainly),frogs,fish,hermet crabs,lizeards,turtles,hamesters,salamanders and alligators.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Gahhh! You had to go and remind me. And even with two little deductions, charitable contributions and 'tax breaks' it never really adds up to that much. Of course, I still owe from last year (yes! the IRS will gladly set up a payment plan for you!) so any 'refunds' coming my way will turn right back around to pay for last year.

    ReplyDelete
  19. HotPink: Ah, many happy returns! Funny! :)

    Brookelina: Uh, thanks... I think :)

    Renee: Every where we go says "No shirt, no shoes, no service." It's required, so it should be a write off.

    Ooo, good point.

    I just always thought married people got more of an exemption. Oh well, you can still claim Darly for a few more years :)

    Eileen: Hey, it's not my fault I have the body of a taut pre-teen Swedish boy :)

    TC: who would take care of Pablo then? And do you think you could use that defense in court?

    I don't know, but I'd sure try it!

    Xinh: Animal insurance? Is there really? I had no idea.

    GirlFPS: Your Betta is four?! That makes me feel good, as I've had Pablo nearly two years and I wasn't sure how long they lived :)

    Lass: Wow, that sucks. Hopefully my tax tips will help you out ;)

    ReplyDelete
  20. You should be in politics and fixing our tax system! I think alot of things (that aren't)should be deductions. I love the dating one ;)

    The alcohol I drink should be deductible because its the only way I can work with some people that I work with... otherwise their lives might be in danger. :)

    ReplyDelete
  21. Supposedly bettas can live 9+[what I'm aiming for with Max] years,if very well taken care of ,but usually they only live 3-5 years {if reasonablely well taken care of},blah blah , I could go on and on about what it takes to help make bettas(and some other fish) live longer .

    ReplyDelete
  22. i always thought you were really, really smart. this just proves it.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Bone for President! I need all the tax loopholes you can find!! ;)
    You made me laugh out loud yet again...you're better than Zoloft! When's your book coming out??

    ReplyDelete
  24. prison is like the hilton. I'm pretty sure they'd let you blog. Let me know if you are successful in writing off Pablo. I'll add Pooh to my dependent list next year.

    ReplyDelete
  25. can you do my taxes for me?

    ReplyDelete
  26. So. Though it all sounds good... you gonna really do it?

    Hmmm??

    ReplyDelete
  27. Really, I'd be pretty concerned about who'd take care of the little guy for you. Clearly, he's dependent solely on you for his care, so what would happen if you left him?

    Then again, maybe they'd let you take him to jail???

    Seriously though, any judge would see that your dependent needed you and wouldn't put you in jail. I'm sure of it.

    What's a few hundred dollars in tax-evasion vs. the love and well-being of a fish???

    Honestly.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Let me know how those deductions work out for you, Bone. If you're not behind bars when it's all said and done, I say publish a tell-all book!

    ReplyDelete
  29. Kerry: Eh, I'm too sensible for politics :) I like your idea. Goes right along with my music deduction really.

    GirlFPS: Well, that's good news to me. The guy at the store when I bought mine said he probably wouldn't make it thru one whole container of food. I'm happy to say he's nearly finished with his second box :)

    Sizzle: Thanks. Although one wonders whatever would make you think that in the first place.

    Jennifer: you're better than Zoloft

    LOL Oh, I like that! I might use that as a future blog slogan someday :)

    Carmen: Will do. Actually, I hear those minimum security facilities aren't bad at all :)

    Sage: Yes, for a nominal fee.

    Blondie: They're filed :)

    TC: You're probably right. I'll probably just get a slap on the wrist and a few hundred hours of community service.

    Zeus: I'm just hoping the IRS doesn't frown on creativity :)

    ReplyDelete
  30. I don't even want to think about this stuff. I just found out a few months back that one must file tax reports with the IRS even if you no longer live in the country and earn no money on US soil or through US corporations.

    Apparently, it comes free with being an American. You have to keep Uncle Same informed of every penny you make...even if you've been paying tax to the British and French governments for nine years.

    I would like to curse now. If that's alright with you.

    ReplyDelete