Thursday, March 01, 2007


Hello and welcome to the first-ever Roast-A-Bone (he made me say that). I'm your host, Pia Savage, of Courting Destiny. This is probably the first roast in history where the roastee (Bone) asked the roaster (me) to roast him. Then he attempted to edit it...

Bone's not a trophy comment whore. Not Bone who emails: "I can't write. It's so bad. I'm so nervous. I posted."

I click on his blog and there are three comments already. Really, Bone, I thought I was your mentor and thus you would show it or complain to me first.

In Bonese, "mentor" is "tor" which reminds me of "tart" which is "puta" in olde English or something, and Bone does refer to me as a puta a bit too often.

Actually our 'torship began with a comment:
"Good blogging. Keep it up." Normally I would have deleted a generic comment, but I always go to the URL and must have loved it, because I think Bone is the grossest screen name. And I won't even begin to go into littlenibbler.

This man wants to be taken seriously as a writer?

IT is BETTER THAN HIS all caps days where the caps were in certain words and made sense to Bone, I guess. I was just being lazy--they're more randomly spread out. Though I'm sure that Bone has a good explanation.

He just won't explain. Trying to get information out of Bone is.. well, I think that Bone is really a North Korean secret service agent, though I know he's Caucasian and his Alabaman roots run deep. He's at least a second generation Bama fan. Gets it from his mother.

Bone is a trophy son who makes sure to visit his rapidly aging parents regularly, before it's too late. They're in their 50's.

Bone googles and wikipedias as a lifestyle. He knows more useless information than anybody I know. But does he apply this knowledge to anything bigger such as an article to be submitted somewhere? Does he even think that he's ready for prime time blogging?

"I didn't have any writing classes. I can't write. No, really, this time I can't..."

Duh, he of the perfectly useless information posts that are fun to read, and the 24 recaps. He's ready. But will he?

Bone knows that his readership might go up if he changes his screen name. Bone's been looking for a new screen name, and URL, but can't decide on either. He claims he will when he changes host companies. And that day is...?

He's so decisive he stayed with Blogger until they forced him to go Beta, and he almost lost the contents of IYROOBTY. I believe his love for that anagram has something to do with his love for numbers. I get so nervous when I email him, I spell check everything twice.

Not that he would say something directly. More like tell you about his innate copy editing abilities and how much misspelled words hurt.

When you ask him a question that he doesn't want to answer:
"My memory. You know my memory."

I first knew Bone when he was 32, and have always thought that he's going through early dementia or was in a tragic accident, ala Jason Morgan of GH.

However, Bone can remember every scene in every Seinfeld. I know that he has it confused with a reality show. And while sometimes I think it best to leave him to his delusions just in case either of the above are true, I tell him the truth anyway. As somebody who has intimate personal knowledge of the Upper West Side, I can. Actually I think that's the reason Bone became friendly with me. I speak Larry David, but not as well, and as a girl.

You know how Bones loves GH and chick flicks? I had to see Music & Lyrics as I know his taste and decide whether or not he would like it.

Have to say he's got the comment thing down since "good blogging..." He's a cult leader who inspires Bonettes onto more and more comments in the same thread.

He gets comments before he writes a post. That's not normal. And usually impossible. Bone manages to do it :)

Oh gawd, I'm the one handing out the kool aid. I am his biggest pimp or whatever they call it in cult worlds.

Bone's a bachelor in Northwest Alabama who devotes his spare time to everything online and somehow believes he will find his Laura, of Luke &... if he just plays one more hand of Texas hold 'em. Not that Bone gambles.

We cribbed the date test from Shayna's blog. Bone was so proud of being The False Messiah, he wrote a post about it, and it's kinda in the running for new screen name. But since the point is to attract people...

If you like False Messiah as a screen name let him know. Several months ago I sent him a list of possible screen names that he would probably like. He claimed that he couldn't use any of them. A few weeks ago he sent me possible new screen names. Yes, the ones that I sent that he couldn't possibly use were included.

Bone hates to hurt. You have to weed out of him anything he might not like: To make a long story short, if you send him something to read, he will email back that he likes it. Five emails later it turns out that he loved three lines in the middle and none of the rest.

Bone likes to keep his private life compartmentalized. He's a very private person, and that's good. But sometimes: "Haven't we discussed this?"

No, Bone, we hadn't. You know, your memory.

Bone has roasted me. He forgot when the roast was over, and kept those roasting comments coming. Yes, Bone, I know. You are so Jason Morgan, without the money or the mobster connections.

Let me hand y'all a Bone to roast.

"But, oh, the girl, she fooled me this time. She acted like I was the last thing on her mind. I would like to start all over again. Baby, can I change my mind? I just want to change my mind..."


  1. LOL ok so when I first heard that you were going to "roast-a-bone", which was during the beach post, I thought you ment that on Thurday you were going to go to the beach and get a tan!!! :) Yup... I swear I'm not blonde...

    New name...hummm...

  2. Bone, where does that tropny stuff come from?

    Pia doesn't explain it, and seems a bit eager to roast you.

    You're sweet and honest, It almost hurts to read

  3. Yes, tag along, Bone needs a name change desperately
    because Genie, he thought that Trophy Bone would be a better screen name

  4. I don't think I have anything to say.


    I really expected Bone to write this, and that it would be all fun and games, but all I see is a strong friendship and lots of "inside jokes" that most of us are going to miss out on.

    But I'm going to disagree with you, Pia. I don't think he needs a new screen name. This is who he is, and honestly, what's wrong with that? Love people not in spite of their 'flaws' (as WE perceive them mind you), but because of them.

  5. Personally I would be very sad if Bone were to change his screen name...especially if it were to something dull like Kevin. ;o)

    I'm not sure where I first met Bone, but I've been an advid fan ever since...even though I hate sports and don't understand 24 at all. Oh and I was never a GH fan either.

    But I am a huge Seinfeld fan and usually get most of his references to that. Sometimes I have to look them up...loosing my memory ya know.

    You ought to get a kick out of this Bone, We had Jambalia last Friday. Had to keep repeating that word ala Newman in the Soup Natzi show.

  6. I don't get it. What are we suppose to comment about? I feel left out. What is going on!

  7. I guess I wasn't explanatory enough having never roasted a person before

    Bone asked me to roast him, not toast him, as I have read his archives and have seen his evolution as a person and a blogger

    Bone really really wants people to say things to his face they might not otherwise

    TC, I took everything from posts

    Renee I have grown to like the name Bone but it does turn some people off and they never get to read his posts which is a shame

    Lindsy the point was just to have some fun. Never to exclude anybody.

    As somebody who often feels like the charter member of the I'm being left out club, I didn't mean the post to read that way at all

    Oh I so wanted it to be a toast, but....

  8. Dear God in Heaven.
    This isn't a roast. This is a Bone-Love-Fest. People, people, people . . . do you not get what you're supposed to be doing here?

    Let me start with a small roast of the host: Dang! I've heard Baptist preachers give sermons that were shorter than this entry. And if you're Baptist, you realize that's unheard of!

    Now, on to Da Bone:

    You are the most manly, rugged man I've ever known. From your pink shirts down to your afternoon routine of GH and homemade cookies. You, sir, scream man.

    You are loving and attentive to the women in your life. You treat them as they so richly deserve. I only wish I had a man who would ignore my phone calls for hours on end and then lie to me and say they love me. It's the American Dream.

    Pia was correct to mention your memory, or lack there of. Though you adamantly deny drug abuse or a head injury: I suspect highly that you've smoked so much pot that you forgot you toppled end over end down 5 flights of stairs.

    I would keep going, but I fear my comment would become as long as this post . . then again, I'm not sure I could type that long.

    Happy Roast, Bone.

  9. bone,
    the origin of our blog connection is kind of unusual, wouldn't you say? i kinda like it that way. with each passing day and each well scripted post, i become a bigger fan.

    i'd like to say something meanish but you know what? you totally don't inspire that in me! :)

    in your immortal words, "good blogging."

    ;) sizz

  10. Uh. I'm trying really, really hard to think of something to say that's a 'roast' but... I struggle with being mean.

    And really, don't I already harp on the poor guy enough to blog some more??? Seriously. He puts up words to 3WW and less than 2 hours later I'm after him to see where his post is. But it's my impatience that's an issue not his writing. So that's not something I can work with.

    What about his halos?? 0:-) Yeah, I'm not buying that one. Sir Bone the Angelic does not really exist I don't believe: Sarcastic Bone the Anti-angelic might fit though.

    Oh yeah, and he has this uncanny ability to pick the song lyrics that are going to get stuck in my head and not leave for days - weeks! - and go with them. And then try and act all innocent about choosing them.

    It all goes back to the halo I think. I'm just not buying it.

  11. Exactly TC, Bone wears his halo with his pink shirts, and talks about his angelic something while exhibiting the humor of the average 13.9 year old boy

    Sizzle, those were immortal words

    AL, you went to places I didn't dare. Yes, I imagine every girl lives for her phone calls to be ignored and then be told "I love you."

    And he wonders why he's still a bachelor

    I so wanted this to be advice to Bone on getting over Laura, a fictional character who is permanently catatonic

    And advice on how to pick a real girl who will finally teach him the above isn't acceptable and tame the wild Bone

  12. Um, am I allowed to comment on my own roast? :)

    TagAlong: That would actually be toast-a-bone. No, wait, toast-a-bone would be where everyone sings my praises. I think that would be called Coppertone Bone.

    Thanks for sharing your misunderstanding. That's funny :)

    Genie: Pia clearly has some pent up issues from when she was roasted :) I have no idea where the trophy stuff comes from. She enjoys calling me trophy son/nephew/commenter etc. for some reason.

    Pia: It warms my heart to see that you clearly had a difficult time coming up with material to roast me with :)

    And don't think calling me Jason Morgan is any sort of insult to me. I'm loving it!

    Renee: I don't remember when and where we "met" either. It had to have something to do with Seinfeld though :) Jam-ba-la-ya!

    Lindsy: Yes, it's just a roast. Like they have on Comedy Central sometimes, where people get together and make fun of a celebrity. It's all in fun.

    So go ahead. This might be the only time you're ever allowed to make fun of me :)

    Avery: Ah, good point. I forgot that at most roasts, most everyone takes a shot at the roaster, too :)

    You are loving and attentive to the women in your life.

    I have no idea what you're referring to. I must have forgotten :)

    Sizzle: Hmm, did we meet how I think we did?

    Thanks. Glad you hung around.

    TC: Now you're getting the hang of it. And I think Pia got most everything out of posts. Although she has an abnormally excellent recollection of every word I've ever written. Apparently.

    Sarcastic Bone the Anti-angelic? That's basically the same thing as False Messiah. Or close enough anyway :)

  13. "Bone googles and wikipedias as a lifestyle"

    The personals ad practically writes itself. Good job, Pia.

  14. Bone, yes I have an abnormally good memory for your posts

    Since the torship basically consists of pop quizes as in:
    Which line did you like best? Why? How did it make you feel?

    Doug at first I was confused by Bone's amazing ability to find a fact for anything--as many of his posts show. Then it hit me--Google

  15. Oh I get it! Pia...thanks for the explanation.

    Bone......yea I got nothing. I enjoy your blog and our emails!

    I don't want you to change your screen name. You're Bone.

  16. Bone:

    Can I just say you have really smelly feet?

  17. :starts peeling and chopping potatoes and carrots:

    Who said roast???

    :looks left and right:

    Oh! Not a literal roast...roasting Bone. Er, hm..

    Bone, you'll always be one of the girls. And I hope you like it! :)

  18. wow... quite a post.. roast or toast whichever you decided it really was! hehehe

    I like the name although I did wonder what it was I was getting into when I first began reading a blog by a single guy named bone... yet... what does it say about me that I am still reading! lol (lets go with progressive and open minded not preverted ok?lol)

    Its an unusual idea... this roast. Tough unless you know the person in really...

    Hey here is a ? I have... if you are a private person, what is it about this public forum you like so much?

  19. Bone, you'll always be one of the girls. And I hope you like it! :)

    Well shoot, DC, I guess he could have read my post the other day! ;)

    I do have to know... did Pia pick the lyrics for the roast or did Bone?

  20. "Then he attempted to edit it..." oh, my, that's funny, Pia!

    I like False Messiah, too. Of course, if you want to stick with the BONE theme, it might sound less gross if you add something to it, like wishbone or are funny, Bone...I enjoy reading your posts, even though I don't even watch TV.

    Great job, Pia!

  21. I actually saw the name of this pious and humble blog
    "If you read only one blog this year" -before I saw the authors name...
    When I did, I immediately I heard (in my head) the tune-
    "Mista Bone"
    dredged up from my 1980's teenage years and thought- "Well- this could be promising :)"

    I don't flirt with Bone because he kind of reminds me of my younger brother- if my younger brother was a little older and had more sense :) (wait- that sounded like a roast of Joe...not Bone- whatever)

    However- we do share strange love of Seinfeld, and writing in front of our windows with light streaming in...

    I'm sure there are scads of chicks who'd like to go out with him- heck, even marry him- but anyone like Laura from GH- whose looking for wierdo like Luke...isn't looking for Bone. Bone is a good decent guy- Luke had some problems- and very bad hair, from what I remember.

    Here's some Suga' Bone- I said I would bring it :x

  22. *roasting a bone on a stick over a camp fire*

    i may be the only jew in the world who hates seinfeld

    i haven't watched GH since in 2 & 1/2 years (when i started student teaching and then got hired to teach)

    i stopped watching 24 when i missed a season because i skied the same night it was on and my vcr broke...

    i have yet to participate in 3WW

    but your blog is a chick magnet & i find i can't stop reading it.... maybe it's cause when you talk about dating i feel like i'm having a girls night!

  23. Actually Luke cut his hair and looked best when near bald. Mayden's Voyage that was quite a roast, thanks.

    Actonbell, thank you. I love False Messiah but think Bone should be looking toward the future, not that I'm trying to take over his life. just collect ten percent of his writing earnings forever.

    Traveling Chica, yes I picked out the lyrics. I have spent most of my life believing I will find the meaning of life in lyrics. Right this ia about Bone. I thought them very fitting.

    Kate it was fun to write

    DCC: that was great

    Eileen, I will take your word on that

  24. DCchick said...
    :starts peeling and chopping potatoes and carrots:

    I guess that's what you get for hosting a blog that attracts mostly women. ha ha

    Didn't they roast Kramer once...well it was Newman's hallucination brought on by the butter.

    I should search and see if there was a Girl Scout cookie one. The Friends epp sticks out.

  25. Bone, I can honestly say that you're the best man with balls I have ever known. (That means a lot when you consider that most of my "friends" don't even have the hoo-hahs.)

    When you linked to me, I thought I was going to shit a brick - which is why I ran to the litterbox immediately. I did come back, though, to read more of you, and you did not disappoint!

    Please don't ever change! I heart you, Bone!

    And Pia: Excellent, fabulous, and dare I say, marvelous roast of a very fine blogger that more people should get to know!

  26. Doug: The personals ad practically writes itself.

    Wow. I'd never thought of it like that. Good idea! :)

    Lindsy: Thanks. I am Bone. It's hard to shake a nickname sometimes.

    Eileen: Now you realize people are going to be asking how you know that ;)

    DCChick: I'm not sure how appetizing a roasted bone would be :)

    Bone, you'll always be one of the girls.

    Ah, feel the love!

    Kate: lets go with progressive and open minded not preverted ok?

    Mmhmm. Sure. Whatever you say Kate ;)

    Wow, there are a ton of things I like about blogging and the public forum. The feedback, the interaction, being able to write personal things that I couldn't share with family or people in my life, etc. etc. etc.

    TC: Pia picked the lyrics.

  27. Actonbell: Thanks for stopping by the roast. Now you have me thinking I might blog about TV too much. It'll decrease once 24 is over for the season. Which should be about 3 more months :)

    Mayden: Mista Bone! Wasn't that Great White? I'm once bitten, twice shy, baby...

    I don't flirt with Bone because he kind of reminds me of my younger brother

    Haha. I always wondered why you didn't :) Thank you. I smiled throughout your comment.

    Question girl: maybe it's cause when you talk about dating i feel like i'm having a girls night!

    LOL I hate when I can't tell if someone is making fun of me ;)

    Zeus: Aww, thanks Zeus. It's good to have a feline presence at my roast/toast/post. LOL I had no idea my linking you could have that effect.

    Oh, and Pia: I like False Messiah, too. Maybe I could keep changing my name, like P Diddy. And then I could be a symbol, and people would call me the blogger formerly known as...

  28. Umm,what dose ''Roast-A-Bone'' mean(are you trying to come up with a new name,like maybe Hot Bone,because you are getting roasted[can I put some sause on ],right)?

  29. ROFL!!! Pia, you hit the nail on the head. This was hilarious and I agree, I think he is a North Korean spy. I think I've heard him speak Korean at the drive thru at Sonic.

  30. HAHAHAH... that is hilarious!

    "early dementia or tragic accident" hahahahaha

    Great writing :) Bone is so fun!

  31. OH I love it!!!! I remember when we used to IM a lot, and he'd be complaining "I can't write, I have nothing to blog about" You know, the whole woe is me bit he does. I'd be throwing out ideas, we'd be chatting about nothing, and then he'd say, "Ok, I posted, go check it out" HUH??? You've been complaining for the last half hour that you can't write and have nothing to write about!
    I love reading his J-Dizzleness though (except for the 24 recaps, I just skip those) and will continue to mean read :-) Happy roasting!!

  32. Oh, and I like The False Messiah :-)

  33. I don't understand this. . . . But I love you and your blog.

  34. I missed that whole thing. Story of my life. Day late and a dollar short.

  35. starts peeling and chopping potatoes and carrots:

    Who said roast???

    I did!

    I brought my own knife and fork.

    Stick Bone on the spit.

    I'm sure he'd like being taken from the head and the arse at once.

    Tee hee hee.

  36. excellent, E.

    You start at the head and i'll start at the feet and we'll meet in the middle.

    Got any salt??

  37. DC:

    How about some tabasco?

    Yes, let's meet in the middle.

    I have a feeling Bone is rather tasty right there...

  38. I'm eagerly anticipating Bone's response to the two of you...

  39. *adding a lil' bit o' A1 steak sauce to my bone on a stick now that i have roasted you over an open camp fire*

    but you ARE one of the girls... you contemplate your favorite TV shows....

    you watch daytime soaps.... AND you know all the female commercials... AND complain about them just as much as we women do too

    and you BITCH about your dating life just as much - if not MORE than we do : )

    i mean seriously, if i didn't know any better, i would say "take the skirt off or start waxing my dear"


  40. Carnealian, Kerry, Arlene, thank you

    TC I dared not think that question.

    I agreed to roast not__never mind, this isn't a bachelor party

    QC that was great.

    I don't usually get to express this side of me, so this was really fun, except for those times I felt:
    "wait, I don't hate him. If I did I would never say such horrible things publicly." Actually I would, they would just be couched.

  41. I bet Bone has tampons in his bathroom...

    He's that kind of guy.

    If a girl started her period at his house, he'd be ready with feminine products, and would whip out a box of Tampax and say, "Would one of these help?"...

    Yeah, cause like I said, he's that kind of guy...

    (Okay, I'm kind of getting into this.)

  42. Eilene...yeah he may have femine protection items...but only because they came free in the mail ('cuz he sent away for the samples from all the GH commercials!)

  43. You know, if not for Bone's blog and his numerous posts about Male Restroom Etiquette, I wouldn't have known that it's unacceptable for males to pee right next to each other. I would've had no clue that some men are so weird about that sort of thing.

    But now I know and it helps me to understand the male psyche a little bit more.

    Oddly enough, I like the fact that a straight male watches GH because it gives me a male perspective for certain scenes. Many a time, Bone and I are IM'ing and chatting about an episode of GH and he'll start talking about what happened and I'll be all "Did we even watch the same show because that's clearly not what happened?!" But in his world, that is what happened and sometimes it's refreshing to get that point of view. Most of the time, I'm just "Okay. What.Ev.Er." :=)

  44. Oh Pia--I shant ask what you think of me...

    As for Bone's new name (but I happen to like Bone--always think of the nursery rhyme, "give the dog a bone..."), and playing on the theme "false messiah," we could call him "Jesus of Birmingham" but someone might think he's hispanic or maybe he's from Huntsville or, God forgive, Gadsden or Scottsboro...

    Bone's recent post about wanting manly commericals during the soap operas made me question why I even have a TV...

  45. You are the only person I know who would roast himself. Or, even better, would even THINK to roast himself.

    I think you're incredible. As always.

  46. I agreed to roast not__never mind, this isn't a bachelor party


    Well, Pia, I dared. Cuz I'm a brat. :-)

    And E? Maybe we should give him the secret password, you think???

  47. GirlFPS: It just means everyone tries to find something to make fun of me about.

    Carnealian: Please, stop encouraging Pia :) Now I want some Sonic. Mmmm.

    Kerry: Bone is fun. I think that is the basic point we should get from all this :)

    Arlene: You know, the whole woe is me bit he does.

    Um, no. No one has any idea what you are talking about. Sorry :)

    Hotpinksox: Thanks HPS. My blog loves you.

    Brookelina: Oh, no worries. Apparently things didn't really get started good until day two.

    Eileen: Um, no tabasco. I vowed I'd never try that again :)

    DCChick: Does this mean ya'll are going to kiss?

    TC: They leave me almost speechless. I feel violated :)

    Question Girl: I think what makes all this so funny is that I'm the essence of manliness in all other aspects of my life. Yes, that's it :)

    Eileen: I'm "that kind of guy?"

    Um, I'm afraid to ask what that means.

    Renee: Good thought. Although theonly thing I've ever considered ordering from GH commercials was the Luke & Laura ring from Sears :)

    Xinh: Yes, it is amazing how you can totally take Robin's side everytime, when Patrick is clearly in the right ;)

    Sage: LOL at Jesus of Birmingham. I thnk Pia may become the modern-day Dean Martin. And no, not from Bham, Gadsden, or Scottsboro. But I am impressed by your knowledge of Alabama cities and towns:)

    Blondie: Thanks, babesy.

    TC: Yes! I think I've more than earned it with this public humiliation :)

  48. bone - i'll believe THAT line of bullshit when i see it w/ my own eyes...

    even i can throw a football for a 40 yard in a tight spiral & drive a tractor

    now which color should i put on my toes tonight? "not really a waitress" or "kyoto pearl"?

  49. I don't think I can find anything to 'make fun' of you [I usally like to be nice to cutey and/or sweety-pies] with.

  50. Like Dean Martin I begin my roast or whatever, all bright eyed and verbal, begin to stammer, and progressively lose any and all abilities, until I'm almost carried off stage

    Bone's the master of comment verification, as he should be the master of his own domain--one that doesn't end in or have the other words in them :)

    So I leave him to master his own roast. Or something.

  51. You don't feel violated: you like it. ;)

    And um, do I need to remind you that this "public humiliation" was something of your own choosing??

    Once you know the password you can't go back. I'm not sure you're ready for that step. You'll be more than an honorary woman then. You think about that and let me know if you still want to know it.

  52. Bone, only you would hear two women working their way on you from top to bottom, meeting in the middle....

    and wonder if they are going to kiss!!! :)

  53. I don't know that he's the only guy who'd wonder that DC... granted, probably in the minority, but next to where you were heading before that derailment, I'm guessing that's the second place most men want you to head. ;)

    Sounds like E is up for it as well...

  54. Thanks for all proving my point as to why Bone needs to change his screenname and soon

    Since my friends read my blog and see Bone commenting, I can't tell you all the Bone jokes that I have heard.

    They make fun of all my blogging friends with strange screennames, so I get to hear a lot of really bad jokes

    Honestly, though he's just an example of when bad screennames happen to good people who are going through early dementia

    As he is going through this, it's important that his talent be nurtured and encouraged

  55. coppertone bone...well, you have to remember that us northerners are thinking spring really really loud...;)

    As for a new name...does that mean that you're changing your blog? What you write on it?

  56. I wanted to tell you thank you in advance. I loved the roast-a-bone that I decided for my one-year anniversary, I would do the same. Thank you for the idea!