That 70's Fish

I welcomed a new member to the household Saturday. At the wedding reception, there were Bettas on some of the tables, and I brought one home.

I didn't know if I'd ever get another fish after Pablo, and I sure wasn't in any hurry to get one. But when I came home from work Monday afternoon and he was swimming around his bowl, I realized I had kinda missed that.

So without further adieu, I now present to you, for his first time ever on the internet, GabeKaplan:


(Photo courtesy of my Crackberry Curve.)

I know, I know, the first question many of you will have is going to be, "Fish at a reception?" And the answer is... apparently.

And I'm sure some of you are also wondering, "Why Gabe Kaplan?" First of all, Welcome Back Kotter is one of my all-time favorite shows. What other show dealt so candidly and humorously with issues facing inner city youth and had a sign in its credits that said, "Welcome to Brooklyn: The 4th Largest City In America?" I'll tell you what other show. None!

Gabe Kaplan, the man not the fish, is an accomplished actor and comedian, as well as a world-renowned poker player and investment strategist. Not to mention he won the 2006 TVLand Award for Best Teacher. Now hopefully, little GabeKaplan can help bring to light some of big Gabe Kaplan's accomplishments.

Also, I kind of like the thought of hanging out with GabeKaplan, watching the game with GabeKaplan, napping with GabeKaplan, and yes, eventually, dancing for GabeKaplan.

And sure, if Gabe Kaplan, the man, finds out I named my fish after him and is so honored that he decides he wants to meet me, send me every episode of Kotter on DVD, or stake me in the 2008 World Series Of Poker, well then, who am I to object.

Who knows, me and GabeKaplan might even wind up being BFF's.

Wonder if he knows whatever happened to Epstein.

"Who'd have thought they'd lead ya, back here where we need ya? Yeah, we tease him a lot cos we've got him on the spot. Welcome back..."

Remembering Pablo...

We are here today to celebrate the life of Pablo Picasso, the famed Betta fish. Pablo died Monday, July 9, 2007, of unknown causes. His age was at least twenty-six months. He will be mourned by many.

Though Pablo's exact origins are unknown, his owner liked to claim he was born near the equator, in the tropical waters around Borneo. Mistakenly named after the famed Spanish painter Pablo Picasso, due to his lack of any visible ears, the little blue Betta was destined for greatness.

The first known recorded sighting of Pablo was in the Fish Bowl region of Wal-Mart, where he spent many mostly boring days. After escaping from there with most of his youth still intact, Pablo moved into an apartment in May of 2005. A few short months later, he moved again, this time into the two-bedroom-one-bath bachelor paradise where he would spend the rest of his days.

Originally intended to be nothing more than a Mother's Day present, Pablo used his charm to convince his owner to keep him. Hopelessly attached to the little feller after only a few hours, Pablo's owner would go out and buy another Betta and another aquarium to be given for the Mother's Day gift.

Often lauded by his owner as the "most handsome fish in the world," Pablo developed many talents, such as being able to hear footsteps on the stairs, and looking irresistibly cute.

Pablo was a fun-loving fish whose preferred pasttimes included swimming, eating, and napping. He also seemed fascinated by the television and watching his owner dance. Pablo did not appear to be a fan of car rides or cameras. Some of his favorite things were Betta Gold pellets and distilled water, and he was known to occasionally nibble on a Fruity Pebble.

Pablo was a friend and a companion. A pet in a place where no pets were allowed. He brought life, warmth, and laughter to his home. His passing leaves a huge void. And he will be missed always.

24 Recap: 5/7/07

Sunday was Pablo's second birthday. At least, it marked two years since I brought him home from that great Betta haven known as Wal-Mart. I'm thrilled to say my little pal is eating again everyday and seems to be doing fine.

OK, here's what we know... Last week may very well have been the worst episode of 24 ever. Nevertheless, with my OCD, nothing short of Keanu Reeves himself joining CTU will stop me from finishing out the season. Besides, with only three weeks remaining, things have got to get better... right?

Recapping Day Six: 2:00 AM - 3:00 AM...

Nadia, who is becoming more incompetent by the second, informs Jack that Heller has filed a restraining order to keep him away from Audrey. Jack asks Nadia to let him go so that he can help try and find Cheng, but she refuses. You know, because keeping Jack in Holding makes the show sooo much more exciting. Nadia returns to the main CTU floor thingy and sends out a field team led by Ricky.

At Cheng's Perpetually Moving Headquarters (CPMHQ), Cheng is planning an attack, although we're not told where. And everyone is speaking in Chinese, with English subtitles! This is like a Jackie Chan movie, except without the action and the witty black guy.

At CTU's Extended Stay lounge, Marilyn and Josh--aka JoshLyn--are kicking back watching news coverage of the nuclear explosion. 12,000 are dead. Josh is angry his father was involved, and says he wishes he was never a part of this sick family. Uh, yeah, good luck finding help with that one in the parenting handbooks.

Chloe comes in and tells Marilyn that Audrey is still alive. OK, we found this out, what, four hours ago? You're just now telling Marilyn? Oh that's right, they forgot to write Marilyn into the show for the past six weeks. Oops! Marilyn goes to check on Jack and tells him she will be there for him when all this is over.

At the White House, Tom tells Lisa they've uploaded fake information to her PDA that will make it look like the sub-circuit board was destroyed. They want Lisa to go see her Russian spy boytoy at the Family Inn, then find an excuse to leave the room so that he will snoop thru her PDA. Lisa calls to set up another meeting.

CTU teams arrive at Bloomfield, but there is no sign of Cheng. We see Cheng at CPMHQ, telling his #1 guy--who looks kinda like a cross between a young Billy Bob Thornton and Pierce Brosnan--that the objective is not to cause casualties, but to "obtain the package." Cheng's men drop thru a hole in the floor into a sewage line--where they are immediately attacked by the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles! Turtle Power! I'm only kidding. Sorry, just trying to create some excitement.

Cheng radioes directions to his men which he says should put them directly beneath CTU! Finally! A plot twist I actually halfway care about.

At the Family Inn--trapped in a storyline that is going nowhere yet won't seem to end--Tom and a couple other men wait and listen in a van across the street while Lisa goes inside. She tells Bishop she needs to go freshen up, but he wants her now. She lies back on the bed and takes off her shirt. I wonder who's going to get voted off Idol this week. I gotta go with LaKisha. She screams too much. I mean, I scream, too. But only in my sleep.

'Neath CTU, Cheng's men prepare to break in. One of his men hacks into CTU's security system--which apparently is not as difficult as one might imagine--and shuts everything down. As things start going haywire upstairs, Nadia calls for a lockdown, but it is too late. Cheng's men are inside CTU! They come in guns-a-blazing.

Billy Bob Brosnan, or B3, is leading the attack. He orders everyone at CTU to get on the floor, then asks who is in command. Nadia is frozen. Milo raises his hand and says he's in charge. B3 shoots Milo in the neck! Grief counseling for female admirers of Milo Pressman will be offered in the comments section below.

Jack hears the commotion and finally convinces the guard outside his Holding cell to let him out. The guard gets shot by one of Cheng's men. Jack takes his gun and begins trying to work his way to the main floor.

Two of Cheng's men come and get JoshLyn. As they are being taken back to the main area, they run into Jack. He takes out Cheng's men and leads JoshLyn to a ventilation duct. Josh climbs in, but before Jack and Marilyn can, more of Cheng's men show up and take the two of them into custody.

Meanwhile, Ricky keeps trying to call in. B3 decides to let Nadia answer and instructs her to tell Ricky everything is OK. As they hang up, Ricky looks a little suspicious. Wait a second. That wasn't Alfonso Ribeiro. What show is this!?

Jack and Marilyn are brought back to the main area. B3 gets on the PA system and tells Josh his mother will be shot if he doesn't show himself within ten seconds. Josh comes back. B3 informs Cheng that Josh has been captured.

Cheng calls someone and says, "The operation was successful. We have your grandson." Then we see Jack's father on the other end. OK, that wasn't obvious or anything. Cheng asks Jack's father if he's finished repairing the sub-circuit board yet. Jack's father says he will trade Cheng one sub-circuit board for one grandson. Cheng says they will meet in twenty minutes at the rendezvous point.

The good:
The direct attack on CTU. Even though it is extremely far-fetched, it's still eight hundred times better than the sub-circuit board/Russians attacking Central Asia plot. *yawn*

The Milo surprise. That's old school 24, making you like someone then killing them off.

Marilyn, Josh, and Jack's father being brought back. Now if they'll just bring back Buchanan and Pierce... and Tony :)

The bad:
Nadia. As if her incompetence wasn't enough, now her cowardice leads to Milo getting shot. Buchanan never would have done that!

The Lisa/Daniels/Bishop storyline. It seems so detached from the rest of the show. I usually go to check my laundry during these scenes, even if I don't happen to be doing laundry that particular night.

More Chloe/Morris soap-style drama. I want the old Chloe, working with Jack on the downlow, uploading files to his PDA.

Did you know...
Evan Ellingson, who plays Josh Bauer, portrayed a young Luke Spencer in the November 5, 2001, episode of General Hospital.

Questions:
Why didn't one of Cheng's men just go into the ventilation duct after Josh? Let's see, an armed man chasing an unarmed teen thru a crawlspace. Naaah! Too easy.

Will Buchanan and Pierce come back to help save the day? Please, can they?

Where will the rendezvous point be? I mean, where do you go to exchange a grandchild for computer parts? Best Buy, maybe? There seem to be lots of kids running around in there.

Will Elizabeth ever tell Lucky that the baby is Jason's on General Hospital? Seriously, she is getting on my nerves almost as bad as Nadia.

"Splinter taught them to be ninja teens. Leonardo leads, Donatello does machines.
Raphael is cool but crude. Michelangelo is a party dude..."

"All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand..."

The title of this post is a quote from Steven Wright. It may seem random, and is, but I think it goes along well with the randomness of the post...

The Alabama football team's annual A-Day game was Saturday. The game normally draws thirty to forty thousand fans. This year, with a new coach, new hope, and an unquenched thirst for a championship, they had to close the gates and stop letting people in early in the second quarter. Stadium capacity is a little over 92,000.

Even I was amazed at a crowd that large for what basically amounts to a glorified scrimmage. Still, it was a nice "tide" me over until the first game, which is now only 131 days away! Bama football fans are often called fanatical. And, well, we don't really consider that an insult.

My Mom, sister, and I went. As we were about to enter the stadium, who do we see but my uncle, aunt, and two cousins. I mean, seriously, out of 100,000 people, what are the odds? I got my first sunburn of the year, sitting on an aluminum bleacher in the 80-degree Tuscaloosa heat for three hours.

Mom got tickled when the crowd started doing the wave. By the third time it came around, she couldn't even stand up she was laughing so hard. It was great seeing her have fun. Even if it did lead my sister to remark to me, "We have got to get her out more."

When I got home that evening, Pablo was swimming around. I mention this because it has become a rare sight. Although I haven't written about it, I've been really worried about Pablo. He completely stopped eating two weeks ago and only comes out of his rock to get air, then goes right back in. Last Wednesday, I bought two kinds of fish medicine and some anti-fungus tablets at Wal-Mart, and started putting in his tank.

So when I saw him swimming around Saturday, I immediately tried feeding him. And he ate! For the first time in twelve days! I was as excited as I've been in a long time. And also hopeful that this means the medicine is working. I don't know what's wrong with the little fella, but I'm trying everything I can.

Saturday night, I drove over to Ben's. Ben and I have been friends since first grade. The night my sister was born (at some absurd overnight hour), after I threw up in the ER waiting room, I wound up at Ben's spending the night so that I could get to school the next day. These days, we don't hang out that much or even talk too often since he got married. I think this was the first time I'd seen him since Festivus.

The house was alive with two kids, a one-year-old and a two-year-old, running crazy. His youngest was eating a banana popsicle. Part of it fell on the floor. He didn't reach down and pick it up. Instead, he got down on all fours and ate it right off the carpet. Ben just laughed. It hit me in that moment that he was in love with his kids. What an awesome feeling that must be.

Sunday, I ran 4.5 miles, which is the farthest I've run since the 10K race last year. I've developed a new low-to-the-ground, low impact running style. It's tougher on the thighs, but much easier on the knees. If you're trying to visualize this at home, it may not sound like the most manly or aesthetically pleasing style, but it seems to be helping. This year's race is May 19th. I'm hoping to better my time from last year, of course. I'm thinking of shooting for a nine minute mile pace.

In other news, I took my car to the mechanic today. It started hesitating and sounding like it was missing dying last weekend. At first, I thought (and hoped) I had just gotten some bad gas. But two cans of gas treatment and one can of fuel injector cleaner didn't seem help. Nor did clutching the steering wheel, looking up at the stars, and saying, "Please, please, please start working." Then I thought maybe some mobsters had mistaken me for the real Jason Morgan and filled my tank with sugar. But the mechanic said the catalytic converter is stopped up. That doesn't sound too bad, although I haven't gotten an estimate yet.

Finally, one of my favorite comedians, Steven Wright, is coming to Nashville!! He's also supposed to be on Letterman tonight. Someone please remind me. (About Letterman, not the concert.)

"From Carolina down to Georgia, smell the jasmine and magnolia. Sleepy, sweet home Alabama, Roll Tide Roll..."

Putting the fun in reFUNd

I spent part of yesterday getting tax stuff ready. As a single person slightly above the poverty line and with no children, I don't really get a lot of tax breaks. Or so I thought. I started digging around for additional deductions I might claim, and I think you'll be pleasantly surprised at what I found.

For example, did you know I can claim Pablo as a dependent? I looked up information on dependents on the Internal Refund Service website. Well, I couldn't really understand any of that, but I looked up "dependent" in the dictionary. It is defined as, "one who relies on another for support." Hello! If that's not Pablo, I don't know what is.

I submit for your consideration the following comparison: Pablo versus a child. A child eventually learns to dress itself, bathe itself (hopefully), and feed itself. Pablo positions himself near the top of his tank and waits for pellets to fall from the sky. That's the extent of his feeding himself. I don't really see him hopping out of the tank and strutting downstairs for some chips and queso. Although I really don't know what he does all day while I'm at work.

I am also planning to deduct my water bill for the year. Water should be free. It's part of nature. Next thing you know, they'll be charging us for trees. And air. A nickel per cubic foot. How would you measure that? Exactly! You couldn't. This is the United States of America, for crying out loud! The letters to spell water can be found right in our name! Well, all except for the W.

Next, I've decided we should all get a $1000 clothes allowance per year. This comes under my theory of "anything I have to buy in order to not violate a law the government has passed should be deductible." If I don't wear clothes, it's indecent exposure. So unless they plan on including How To Use A Loom as part of the public school curriculum, clothes are deductible.

I'm also claiming money spent on music--CD's, iPods, iTunes, etc. Because honestly, without my music, I would have long ago gone postal. Then the government would be responsible for a messy clean-up and lengthy trial. Music is saving the government money, and therefore should be deductible.

Finally, I think all money spent on dates and courting should be deductible. We're taking women out trying to trick them into marrying us, and later bearing our children, thus contributing to the preservation of the species, and on a smaller scale, our country. I've prepared a simple diagram to explain. (See fig. 1.1A)

(fig. 1.1A)
Phase one: Dating
Phase two: ???
Phase three: Children (Where children = future taxpayers)

Anyway, according to my preliminary calculations, I should be getting back $1200 more than I paid in taxes last year. Sweet!

On a completely unrelated note, if I were to stop blogging all of a sudden, don't be alarmed. I'll see you all in three to five years.

"If your woman steps out with another man, and she runs off with him to Japan. And the IRS says they want to chat, and you can't explain why you claimed your cat..."