Thursday, December 28, 2006

Head Scatchers' Forum

Inspired by recent posts from Traveling Chica and Renee, I am proud to present Bone's First Annual Head Scratchers' Forum. A place you can come to discuss those inexpicable, unusable gifts you may have received this year. It sort of combines the Airing of Grievances part of Festivus with the crappy gifts aspect of Christmas.

Almost all of us receive at least a gift or two each year which leaves us scratching our heads. Gifts that make us say things like, "You really shouldn't have. No, really."

Gifts from friends that cause us to reconsider our life choices. Gifts from parents that leave us wondering if our real parents were abducted by aliens without our knowledge and replaced by alien clones. Because the people who raised us for eighteen years would surely have some clue as to our likes, dislikes, and interests. Or at the very least, our age.

Here now, for your enjoyment, are a couple of my head scratchers for 2006:

"Cool! It's a keychain that's also a flashlight! What will they think of next?" Because sticking a real flashlight in the glove box is just too difficult. And also because I LOVE carrying large, hard cylindrical shaped things in my pockets.

"Wow! It's a Scooby Doo... candy dispenser... which turns into a piggy bank when you're done with the candy!" Ruh Roh Shaggy, I think I lost it already.

"Oh my, a magnetic dartboard." Because I'm 33, and evidently not old enough to be trusted with real darts. Or even the pointy plastic ones with the tiny holes all over the board.

"Ooo, regular fit, straight leg jeans!" Just like they wore in the early nineties! Uh, you know what. Actually, do you have a receipt for these? I have a sneaking suspicion already that these aren't going to fit.

"Aww, it's a... Christmasy... wooden... decorative... thingy. How did you know I collect these?!" I'm gonna put this up right now before I break it... on purpose. I'll put it right beside all the others. In the back of my closet.

So what gifts did you get this year that left you scratching your head? Share them here. Without fear of repercussions or persecution. We're more likely to sympathize with you.

And keep in mind my motto before you buy someone a $10 or $20 crap gift that they're only going to throw away, bury in a closet somewhere, or regift:

Cash. It's underrated as a gift. This public service announcement brought to you by Bone. A proud user of cash since 1977.

"Return to sender. Address unknown..."


  1. Ok. I feel I must defend the keychain/flashlight. Sometimes if it's dark when you're at your car, you need a flashlight to help you find the lock so you can open the door (for those of us who don't have the electronic doors and keyless entries). Also, if you're out walking your dog at night, you might need a flashlight to find his poo in order to pick it up (with a plastic bag). Since you'll have your keys with you, you'll have a flashlight handy.


    My WTF gift came from a friend who bought be a fancy schmancy apple peeler/corer thingy from a high end kitchen store. I don't cook so why the hell would I need a device that peels apples/pears/potatoes? And on the off chance that I did feel the need to make an apple pie or something, why would I haul out the big piece of equipment when I could just use a hand held peeler?

  2. I think this Christmas was the first time that I DIDN'T get a crappy gift.

    Although, I did get two wallets. Is my family trying to tell me something? I use one wallet and it is full of crap... the last thing I need is to be switching wallets and losing shit! :)

  3. "a proud user of cash since 1977" ha ha HA HA ha ha. love it!

    my WTF gift was a bowl painted red that said "complimentary cereal bowl" on the oustide of it. on the inside along the rim it said things like, "you are beautiful" and "everyone loves you" and then at the bottom it said, "you are a goddess." if she had hand painted it at one of those pottery places, maybe i would try to like it but she didn't. this from a person who told me she was getting me an ipod! ha ha. WTF is right!

    the thought isn't what counts damnit. teehee.

  4. Let me be the ultimate in being given bad gifts. I was taken to dinners in restaurants that weren't my choice, movies--okay I liked them

    Am probably being given gifts Saturday night but not exactly holding my breath.

    My friends don't really exchange gifts anymore. We give to kids, and we give donations to causes

    but a keychain flashlight--I would have loved that And you're supposed to have one in case of a black out

    Have I made you feel badly enough? I could go on.

    I was in a very good mood until I read this post

    If it's better to give than to receive, well, I win.

    Very good post. Sorry to cry in my answer but you did ask :)

    And the post did make me laugh out loud. Won't tell you what parts though

    I'm a proud user of cash because if not me, who else?

  5. I loved the proud user of cash line...that's a new classic!

    I'm currently trying to regift/white elephant the following...

    PopCorn sprinkle this on your popcorn after it's popped. it's on my blog
    Quilted backpack style purse
    Dearfoam slippers (I already have 2 pair of slippers that I like much better)
    fancy smancy overpriced face and body lotion products from a lady that sells this crap er...stuff, after I've already told her that I don't use this kind of product.

    I think I've got a taker for the slippers...YAY! They were from my Mom.

    After trying for years to figure out what she should get my DH, I told her to just send cash this year and I would get him something and put her name on it...and while she was at it, send cash for DD too. Both are very happy with what I got for them. I also bought MIL's present to DD. I think I'm starting a trend, I should charge a sur-charge to be their personal shopper.

  6. Tapered legged jeans?
    Someone bought you that?
    Did you take a hit out on them?

    Honestly though . . .why do they still make the tapered leg jean? Or the Mom jean? It's like bikinis for the obese. If they weren't made, then people couldn't buy them and offend our eyes, right? Right.

    We should start a protest to the manufacturers of these fashion atrocities.

  7. newish to your blog... found you from sizzle....i've been lurking but i HAD to join in on this one:

    gift 1) "you now owe me 1% less of the debt you currently owe me" (gee thanks dad, maybe in another 30 years i'll be debt free!)

    gift 2) a PEAR scented reed diffuser... i don't eat pears, why would i want my apartment to smell like them?

    gift 3) an oversized tennis ball for my minitature dog -- who is afraid of tennis balls (long story, but he was badly abused) and, OH YEAH - the ball is bigger than the dogs mouth

  8. LMAO!!!! I got 2 rather odd gifts from the moms this year.

    My mom gave me an "Auto escape hammer". It's an oh shit tool you use in case your car crashes in the ocean or something. It has a chrome plated tip that breaks your car window, a knife that cuts your seat belt and a nail puncture that puctures your air bag and a little flash light. I kind of like this, but I'm not sure it should have been a gift. But I'm not very helpful to my mom when it comes to giving her ideas for presents.

    My MIL gave me these 70s type slipper sock thingies. They are very strange looking and the kitten attacks them when she sees them.

  9. Well, I could go into all the things I listed in my post about this, but why bother?

    So I guess my WTF gift was a christmas ornament from a friend. It's cute, I like it, buttttt... I gave it to her last year and I know it was a limited edition (ie, they only made it last year). So, after she got mine last year did she decide she needed to get me one in return and go right out and buy one OR did she forget I gave her one and regifted it to me?

    I LOVE carrying large, hard cylindrical shaped things in my pockets. Me too. ;-)

  10. Xinh: Maybe that's more of a bad gift for guys only. Because we don't have purses in which to carry flashlight keychains, mace keychains, photo keychains, etc.

    DCChick1: Two wallets? Hmm. I guess they got two so you could color coordinate or something. Don't girls do that?

    Ms. Sizzle: Complimentary cereal bowl? LOL OK, I've never even seen one of those. So you drink all your milk, and you're rewarded with the goddess compliment?

    No, it is the thought. But how much thought are they really putting into these things?

    Pia: Oh come on, tell me what parts made you laugh.

    Renee: OK, I think I'm gonna have to list all these at the end of my post. Let me know how the regifting goes.

    Elizabeth: That's an excellent point. Don't get mad at the users. Go straight to the dealers :)

    Question girl: 1% less debt. Are you serious? That's hilarious.

    A reed diffuser. I saw one of those in a store. Didn't know what it was.

    Chickadee: Well, the next time you drive your car into the river, we'll just see how you feel about your auto escape thingy then.

    Cats know bad gifts when they see 'em ;-)

    Traveling Chica: So you think she regifted back to you? Maybe she did it on purpose. "Here's what I think of your limited edition ornament."

    Or maybe she liked it so much that she went out and bought one after Christmas last year when everything was 75% off.

    Hmmm. Can't crack this one.

  11. I always get crappy gifts while playing Dirty Santa. I hate that game... even if its a nice game of Dirty Santa!

    but.... one year... someones grandma (wasn't mine) gave all of us kids calendars. From the PREVIOUS years!!!

  12. Yea, I got some stuff from a person that meant well. But, I've already thrown one thing away, the other thingy may just have to mysteriously disappear too. I'm going to burn in hell for that aren't I??

  13. I couldn't figure out either. It was strange.

  14. Spatulas and a hand vegetable chopper that also measures out the amount (in cups) that you've chopped. And stop me when your eyes have fallen out of your head from the utter stupidity of this gift. She should have saved the $20 and gotten me a gift card to Trader Joe's.

    I also got a one pound box of gummie bears and a large bag of twizzlers. Then my mother proceeds to question when I will be heading to the gym. Again, the absurdity.

  15. Bone, exactly how big was this flashlight? I mean, I have a tiny one on my keychain and I could theoretically put it in my pocket with no weird lumps. Theoretically because I have way too many keys. I the only one who thought the complimentary cereal bowl was cute? I mean, come on! A cereal bowl? That says complimentary things to you? Brilliant!!
    Ms. Sizzle, if i still had my apple peeler/corer, I'd trade you.

    During my high school years, my parents tried to prove how hip they were by buying me music they thought I listened to. Unfortunately, they bought stuff that was popular with other kids. I mean, I was going to heavy metal concerts and they were buying me the easy listening pop stuff (which isn't to say I didn't like that music, but I wasn't going to own a CD of the music). It took me actually taking them to the store, picking out the CDs I wanted and having them pay for it for me to get the music I wanted.

  16. Kerry: I despise Dirty Santa, as well. Normally I boycott it.

    Carnealian: Haha. Come on, now. You'll have to be more specific about these gifts ;-)

    Traveling Chica: Face it, you're just a magnet for fantastic, thoughtful gifts ;-)

    Heather B: I'm guessing you don't chop vegetables, because that sounds kind of clever actually :) Well, I don't really either. Except lettuce for salads. But if I did...

    Xinh: I dunno. It's not that big. But I'm already carrying four keys, and the keyless remote for my car. I don't like bulging pockets :)

  17. My sister seems to be continuing a new tradition where she buys me novelty Christmas boxer shorts. She did it last year, and this year she followed it up with some Simpsons' boxers that say "Ho Ho Homer," and have a ginormous drawing of Homer taking up one entire side on the front. What oh what will she think of next year?

    My mom got me a 'sleep-wear set' from South Park. Now, I stopped watching South Park years ago, and have not mentioned liking the show in a very long while. Plus mom seems to be obsessed with getting me some sort of PJs / housecoat. Every year I get at least one thing to sleep in, or a new house coat so that I can stroll around the crib like Hugh Hefner. I guess.

    One of my poker buddies got me an atomic clock that tells way-the-hell-too-much-information about the weather. Both indoors and outdoors. "Wow, the barometric pressure here in the house is at 52. Amazing." What's odd is that he's usually spot on with the Christmas presents.

    All that being said, I really appreciate the sentiments, and received way too much stuff as usual.

  18. A linen table cloth. I was thinking of donating it to the OSCARS not just because it's 1 kilometer long and bright red in color but because a beautiful gift like that that should be put to good use under the feet of celebrities.

  19. I would like to be the first to say sorry about yesterday's game.

  20. The win over here has to be a collection of one-dollar "toys", and I use that term loosely, which Secret Santa delivered. There's a flexible and malleable synthetic triceratops which when pressed, lights up different colors. There's several "stress balls", and once again, term used loosely, since the smell of them brings on stress. Let's not forget the Flarp that was included as well since fart noises made by sticking your finger into some foreign goo is just wicked awesome.

    The bag of misfit toys is still on the counter, but it might just make its way to the fireplace by accident.

  21. That's gotta be it, Bone. There is no other way to explain it, is there?

  22. Big Man: Yeah, I have a pair of snowman boxer shorts myself. I only wear them when I'm behind on laundry.

    I love South Park, but a South Park sleepwear set? lol That's funny.

    Lux (or Luz): Wow! I'll be watching this year to see if there's something different about the red carpet.

    Lindsy: Oh, it's fine. We're almost getting used to it this year. I'm sure you enjoyed it.

    Zeus: Oh, that's what I need! A fireplace. I wonder if I could fake cry.

    Chica: Well, no one gets as many fab 3 month late birthday gifts as you do ;-)

  23. I am unique, Bone, and I guess people feel the need to tell me that with their gifts, right? Lucky, lucky me! With gifts like the ones I get, little kids everywhere will be asking Santa for coal next year!

    (Btw, it was closer to four months as my birthday is the 3rd, but who's counting right? ;-))

  24. You know, I really don't have much to complain about this year!!! For once! I like this idea and may link to it.

  25. Just wanted to be the 25th comment on your very funny post and won't tell you what I found funny. Oh you have the flashlight aimed at your black blog and my eyes and that makes me spill.

    It was the whole post. Just Bone funny, but I really think you should rethink the key chain with a flashlight. You never know...I feel very defensive of that gift. Have no idea why but it's uh practical

  26. I'll tell you what else is a head scratcher... the growing popularity of Festivus! lol

    Since things were pretty packed at your place this year, maybe next year we could move it to my house.

    I've been looking at getting a new sofa, and I think the one I picked out would make a good one for the Airing of Grievences and also playing games... it's a semi-circle couch. I posted a pic. Let me know what you think.

    It's never to early to start planning for Festivus!!


  27. So, I've done some work on my site (not that you'd know, you haven't visited) and you need a 3 Word Wednesday button thingie, then I could add it to my sidebar with my others :-)

    By the way, what do you have against straight leg pants??

  28. It doesn't have the same effect when it comes through Anonymous!! Not sure why it didn't have me signed in :-(

  29. Large cylindrical... LMAO!!

    happy new year to you!

  30. Keep the posts coming! I have been lurking and not commenting. Want to wish you a happy New Years!

  31. Ok, this was from a year or two ago but my boss got me an angel that sits on your computer from our college bookstore. Well, I hate angels and this was an ugly angel at that. I had had it for a couple weeks when one day I was wildly gesturing and accidentally sent the angel headlong to it's death where it it fell and broke it's head. I laughed so hard I was crying but it was the perfect excuse to not attempt to glue it back together but rather toss it in the trash, which I did joyfully. Yes, I'm sweetly evil. :)

  32. Bone, just stoppin' by to say that I hope 2007 is good to you.

  33. Traveling Chica: Or if not coal, at least cash :)

    Pia: I can tell, you and Xinh both like that gift. So that's what I'm getting you both next year :)

    Happy new year.

    Kyle: I'll try to make arrangements to be prepared for 15 or more guests next year. I honestly wasn't expecting that many this year. All my "maybes" ended up coming, and then a couple of people I wasn't expecting. Maybe I'll invest in some bean bags. And a bigger TV, for sure.

    Arlene: Straight leg is one step away from tapered leg. Which is one step away from tight rolling. And you can take it from there :)

    And yeah, it doesn't have quite the same effect as "anonymous."

    Uisce: Happy new year, Uisce!

    Genie: Happy new year to you. I think all bloggers are curious about their lurkers.

    Circe: Don't you love it when you something you dislike accidentally gets broken? That's the best, really.

    Sage: Same to you, my friend. Thanks for linking this post.

  34. I was going to say I didn't get anything weird or inappropriate, but then I started diggin around in my memory bank. "Oh yeah, there was the sweater skirt/dress thing in black (which I love) with fringe all over (which I don't). There's the Campbell's Soup Kids calendar. (My grandma gets each of her grandchildren one of these every year; I totally appreciate the practicality of the gift, but those CS Kids are the smarmiest little urchins I've seen in a long while.) Those are kind of annoying... oh WAIT! The 'You Might Be a Redneck' game, where you essentially try to turn yourself into the biggest piece of white trash around!" Yeah, that was probably the biggest head-scratcher...

  35. Scone: Wow. I got a 365 day You Might Be A Redneck desk calendar. But that doesn't comare to a game. That's funny. Thanks for sharing.

  36. So I was decorating my tree today, and I went to put the ornament I received as a gift that I mentioned in this post two years ago on. You know, the one that may or may not have been a regift?

    Well, one of my questions was answered. It was definitely a regift. I know this as there is a little card in it on which I wrote a note to the recipient and signed it. I'm guessing that means she didn't like it, huh?

    And yes, oddly enough, the very first thing I thought of when I saw that card was this post. Scary I know.

  37. magnetic dart board - for some reason that is hysterical.

    Someone from work gave out these little cheap flashlights that you have to pump back and forth to get light from.