Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Raw Eggs & Pugilism

Hello, and welcome to movie phone. If you know the name of the movie you'd like to see, press one now.
*beep*
Using your touch-tone keypad, please enter the first three letters of the movie you'd like to see.
*beep beep beep*
You have selected, Rocky Balboa. If this is correct, press one.
*beep*


Dah da da dah da da dah da da dah
Dah dah da da dah da da dah da da daaah
Dah da da dah da dah da daaaah dah daaaaah

Am I the only one who just got chills?

Attention, aficianados of outstanding cinema. It's coming. Tomorrow.

After sixteen years of dormancy, everyone's favorite sixty-year-old five-foot-eight-inch prize fighter is back. Sylvester Stallone returns in Rocky Balboa. The final chapter in this sextrilogy that has captivated America for thirty years. And I am so ready!

I get chills everytime I hear the Rocky theme song or "Eye of the Tiger." (On a tangent, how cool is it to be that guy was the lead singer of Survivor? Your career includes Eye Of The Tiger and those Bud Light real men of genius commercials!)

Also, there's only so many Judge Dredd's, Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot's, and Get Carter's one can take.

And besides that, I'm glad the series isn't ending with Rocky V. Because admittedly, it sucked. Even though at the time, I figured surely that was the last one. Because, well, Stallone was 46 and it had been five years since Rocky IV, which at the time, I also thought would be the last one. Hmmm. On second thought, maybe this isn't the final chapter.

One thing I've noticed as I've traveled the internets in recent days promoting the film, is that some people don't seem to share my enthusiasm, excitement, yea, delirium, over the release of Rocky VI. Women especially.

That started the old cogwheel turning, and I began to ponder why, as a general rule, men seem to like Rocky more than women. Not surprisingly, I have come up with a couple of ideas. Let's toss these against the wall and see if they stick.

Men like to have something that women don't like to do. Take fishing, for example. It's not that we enjoy sitting out in the middle of a body of water for hours on end all that much. But these are the lengths we've been forced to go to.

I think perhaps movies such as Rocky are like this. Men like to have things they can rally around and discuss amongst themselves that women either don't understand, or don't want to be part of. Like carburetors, Hooters, and the two-deep zone defense.

We just want to have something to call our own. I mean, we don't intrude on you when you want to go see a play, or talk about your feelings, or cook us a delicious meal.

Another reason men like Rocky is that he's a man's man. Who else can dress in red, white, and blue trunks and not be made fun of? And he doesn't mince words. With a simple, manly "Adriaaaan!" he lets his woman know he loves her.

But I think perhaps the main reason men like Rocky is that, in our minds, we are Rocky. Allow me to explain.

Every man has gotten the crap beat out of him at some point in his life. Oh sure, maybe not always literally. Physical altercations serve only to crease our Dockers and scuff our finely cobbled shoes.

But figuratively, we've all been beaten down. Seemingly defeated. By jobs. Women. Child support. The Bush regime. Life, in general.

But like Rocky, we always get back up. (Or turn to a life of drugs and alcohol to drown our troubles.) Either way, in the end, guess who wins? That's right. Rocky...

And for those of you naysayers who think Rocky, at sixty, is too old, I offer this. This is America. Where the government has squandered Social Security, and men have to work everyday of our wretched lives until we die. There's no retiring in America! Rocky, Sylvester, or Rambo is probably just providing for his family like the rest of us.

We've watched over the years as Balboa has defeated Apollo Creed, Mister T, the Russian, and that guy who had AIDS. But now comes Rocky's toughest foe of all. Some guy named Mason "The Line" Dixon? Uhh... I mean, Father Time.

And we have faith that he will be victorious. Why? Because he's Rocky, that's why! And also because it's a movie and to end it otherwise would just be wrong and cruel.

Man, I'm really feeling the testosterone pumping now!!! Reeeaaaarrrrr! I think I might go crack open a couple of raw eggs and drink them....

OK, so maybe not. Maybe I'll just sleep tonight in my red, white, and blue undies.

"Went the distance, now I'm back on my feet. Just a man and his will to survive..."

34 comments:

  1. Hey . . . .I know what a 2-deep zone defense is and I'm (at last check) a woman. :) I was a sports writer in college. Albeit the only woman sports writer. Who was often mistaken for an usher, but that's beside the point.

    If you have a movie like Rocky that women don't want to see, do you go by yourself? Do you go with (GASP) another guy? Just curious. :)

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  2. Amen brother!!!!! All us young males of the late 70s throughout the 80s grew up on Rocky. Hell, the man single-handidly defeated Communism for goodness sake!

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  3. We just want to have something to call our own. I mean, we don't intrude on you when you want to go see a play, or talk about your feelings, or cook us a delicious meal. Of course you don't intrude when we talk about feelings! ;)

    Btw, those red, white & blue undies... men's or women's? :P

    I LOVED Rocky I and II. It was just after that it got to be a bit much... III was "ok" and the rest, uff da. Too much of a good thing is well, not a good thing anymore.

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  4. Really???? You're super excited for this movie??? Don't get me wrong, I totally understand the "guys movie" thing. I get it. But Rocky 23 or whatever it is? He's 60 for God's sake, what is he fighting now??? sometimes they have to know when to end a series.

    I'll let you boys have this one... :)

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  5. Carmen: I figured a couple of you would know. You were a sports writer?? That's cool! Mistaken for an usher. That's funny.

    Good question. If I get a girl to go, then that means I'm probably gonna have to go to some Meryl Streep or Brad Pitt movie with her in return someday. If I get a guy to go, we obviously will skip a seat between us in the theater.

    Big Man: Dang! Excellent point. I could have used that. Rocky IV came out in 1985. The Berlin Wall fell in 1989, soon to be followed by the collapse of the Soviet Union. Coincidence?

    Traveling Chica: Hilarious. Shouldn't you be traveling somewhere far away or something ;-)

    Rocky I & II were the best. I'll give you that. But come on, it's an American institution. You have to see how it ends... if it ends :)

    DC Chick1: Funny, I was just about to put in something about him being sixty. You'll have to re-read it in a bit. I'll explain :)

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  6. Yay! to Carmen for defending us women that DO understand and (prepare yourself for the shock) LIKE, even LOVE, sports!

    AND to Chica for calling you out about the sexist pig, albeit humorous, comments!

    Man, I've gotta start getting here earlier. Your commenters are too good and take the witty shots early!

    At 60 the only thing he could be fighting is Alzeihmer's . . .

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  7. i didn't even know this movie was coming out. forgive me for sinning!

    whenever i hear that song i think of high school when we'd go on these 3 day retreats in the woods and bunk in these cabins. our retreat leader who run through our bunks, ghetto blaster on her shoulder, pumping out THAT song. it was 7am and we'd yet to come down of our sugar-induced highs, let alone get enough sleep. so you see, that song is kind of like my PTSD trigger. ;)

    i am excited that you are so excited. it's fun to be excited about something!

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  8. I can honestly say I have never wanted to see a Rocky movie before now.

    PS Heard Luckenbach, TX this morning. :)

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  9. Telling me to take a hike, are ya, Bone? You'd be so sad if I did that!

    Btw, I notice you avoided answering the question. Hmm... wonder what you're hiding...

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  10. I see your point about 60 Bone, but really... most successful athletes end up retiring by 40 (at the latest) because they have already racked up enough money to squander. He obviously was successful, no?

    Oh, and I believe the technical definition of that "skipping a seat at the theater" is the BUFFER SEAT...

    I will never understand that phenomenon. Noone is going to think you are dating because you sit right next to each other. Or is it a personal space thing? I don't get it.

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  11. They were discussing Rocky on Weekend Edition on NPR and then the song came on while I was crossing this pain in the ass bridge and I totally got pumped that I could make it from Virginia back into Georgetown without wanting to poke someone's eyeballs out with a toothpick. I felt recharged and invigorated. Nevermind that this was in my car...because really I must be charged to drive around here.

    Also, I like sports! I loooove football. Thankyouverymuch.

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  12. I think you got to the very core of the issue, Bone: Who hasn't been an underdog at one point or another in his life? That's exactly why Rocky is so appealing even after all these years. Unfortunately, though, I'm going to have a hard time buying Peter Petrelli as his son. Does this mean Rocky is going to absorb the powers of his opponent and use them against him? Will there be a cheerleader to save? Will Rocky paint the future of boxing and show whether or not Don King will get a decent hairstyle any time soon? I suppose I will have to watch and find out...

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  13. has nothing to do with liking or disliking sports. Boxing causes brain damage, even done safely

    If the new film shows him totally like Muhammed Ali who I had a big crush on when I was thirteen, then it will be good but heartbreaking

    Boxing isn't a sport like football or baseball or even ice hockey. It's lethal

    I believe that Rocky was broke in one of the films--so he probably needs money again.

    You're cute about it anyway. I can't believe that I'm talking about this as if it's real

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  14. Elizabeth: Hey, quit trying to get the girls to gang up on me... wait, nevermind.

    Yes, I recommend visiting my blog every half hour to hour to check for possible updates.

    Ms. Sizzle: Oops. Hope I didn't bring back your PTSD :)

    Hotpinksox: Hey, I've been to Luckenbach before! My Mom wanted to go there on vacation when I was little. Yeah, not much there, as I recall.

    Traveling Chica: You think you're so funny, don't ya? See if I ever leave an ambiguous comment on your blog again ;-)

    DCChick1: OK, I never claimed my logic was bullet proof :)

    And yes, it is called a buffer zone. I wrote all about it here, after an unfortunate buffer zone infraction by someone I thought was a friend of mine :)

    Heather B: See? That's exactly what Rocky does. It inspires! Oh right, you like um, the Giants, right? ;-)

    Zeus: LOL Wow, and I thought I had pondered everything possible about this movie.

    I hear in Rocky VII, he invents a fat-reducing grill that becomes a national best-seller.

    Pia: Well, it's probably because some of those shots of the fight scenes in the preview look so real.

    And yes, I think Rocky was broke a time or two during the series. Like maybe Rocky I and Rocky V. Good call.

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  15. I thought that the Rocky series was based on a real boxer...right? If this is true, did the real Rocky really fight at this age? Did he even live this long?

    I don't get why they do that in movies & TV...I watch these tv shows based on true stories, saying "THAT NEVER HAPPENED!" Why must they turn true stories into total fiction? *sigh*

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  16. I never claimed to be funny, Bone, but if you think I am, well, thanks. :)

    And can I help it you said what you did? I'm still waiting for an answer to today's question, btw. I might leave you alone about the subject (might: it's doubtful though... too much fun!) if you just answer my simple ol' question.

    I mean, DC & I need to know if we should be sending undies (um, not our own, but women's in general) with those cookies or not!

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  17. I can't spare my own... but I know where to get some! :)

    You better answer her Bone you never know where she could take it.

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  18. Nick and I are going tomorrow night! Every time I see Rocky run up those stairs, I get all misty. He was on Leno and Conan last week. Conan showed the clip where he was running up the stairs with his dog. I about lost it. One day, when I'm in Philadelphia, I will run up those stairs, and I will turn around, and raise my hands, and be a total dork, and yell "Rocky! Rocky! Rocky!". It is my destiny.

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  19. Renee: From what I read, Stallone was inspired to write the script after watching a guy go fifteen rounds with Ali.

    But yes, I hate movies that say based on a true story, because they lead people to believe they are an accurate portrayal of what happened.

    Traveling Chica: Women offering to send me their undergarments? Wow, I feel like a rock star. But no thanks, really. Cookies will be fine.

    DCChick1: Somehow I don't think that'll help. I'm going to see Rocky. And I'm skipping a seat! Maybe two.

    Lass: So I'm not the only one who's dreamed of standing at the top of those stairs and raising my arms? Good.

    Also, do you ever notice how it always seems to be snowing in Philadelphia?

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  20. Moi, DC? I have no idea of what you speak. ;)

    I wasn't suggesting sending your own... but I'm sure you could find a cute pair with holly and berries or snowmen right about now. (I was going to say mistletoe, but that could be taking things in the wrong direction).

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  21. No, no, no. There was no offer of women sending you their underwear, Bone. Obviously miss-reading comments is right up there with avoiding answering comments.

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  22. I'm not a Rocky fan BUT I totally get
    why people love those movies and are
    inspired so!

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  23. They recently played all the Rocky movies on tv and my son who is 15 yrs old without promting of any kind from his father sat and watched them all. That kid hummed the theme songs and bounced when he walked for a week. I thought he had lost his mind and I told my husband I didn't understand it. My husband just smiled and said "I did the same thing when I watched them years ago, it's a man thing. The boy is now a man!" I just shook my head in disbelief...

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  24. Nope... can't tell that you are a fan at all!

    I have heard nothing but GREAT reviews! I suppose you will be going to see it tomorrow? I suppose you will be giving us your reviews? :)~

    Happy Holiday's, dear Bone!

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  25. I am so glad I'm not the only one who's excited to see this movie. And who's not afraid to admit it! I bawl my eyes out at the end of Rocky every. single. time.

    Funny that you mention Survivor. I just put their Starbucks commercial on my blog. It's classic.

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  26. I've heard good reviews for Rocky Balboa (and I read the movie spoiler for it so I know what happens) and it's possible that I'll Netflix it but I'm not super excited to see it even though I did like the first movie.

    The first full length LP I ever bought was Survivor's Eye of the Tiger. I played that thing until it warped.

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  27. I have to say, I was chill-less.

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  28. Traveling Chica: Yes, I sometimes misread at my own convenience :) Hey, you're in Wisconsin. Shouldn't I get some cheese in addition to some cookies?

    Ms. L: So you can relate, without relating. That's cool :)

    Squirrel: We have a testimonial! Thanks for sharing.

    Shayna: The reviews have been almost surprisingly wonderful, haven't they? Happy Holidays to you, Shayna.

    Brookelina: Survivor's doing Starbucks?? I'll be over to check it out shortly.

    Xinh: I remember my cousin had the "Eye of the Tiger" 45. And also Weird Al's "Eat It." And I was jealous.

    Erika: I'm sorry. I do not understand that command. Please press star for more options.

    Lux Lisbon: Really?? That's bizarre! ;-) Maybe I should audioblog it, and see if you had a different reaction.

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  29. Getting greedy, are you, Bone? Cookies, underwear (women's no less!), and cheese? *sigh* I'll need an address in order to get those in the mail. I don't think

    Bone
    Little Nibbler
    Alabama


    is going to get it to you. ;)

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  30. Chica: That might work... in a few years, when I become famous :)

    Well, I can't post my address on here. Can you imagine?

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  31. Yep, I can imagine all the women's underwear you'd be receiving!

    Alas, it's pretty close to Christmas to be expecting them to get them on time. If you'd really wanted them though, you could have emailed it to me. Until then, I guess they'll have to wait until you're famous.

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  32. I've never felt Rocky. Loved the one with Eye of the Tiger...mostly because it had Eye of the Tiger in it. But the Rocky character himself always confused me.

    I just saw Balboa. No idea what compelled me. But I did. And I loved it. I mean, like, serious movie loved it. I now have new respect for Stallone ... as a writer, director and actor.

    Loved it.

    Now....off to download Eye of the Tiger.

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  33. mChica: I wasn't sure if you were serious or joking.

    Buffy: Was Eye of the Tiger only in one of them? I was thinking it was in a couple. First appearing in III for the Clubber Lang fight. And then again in IV when he fought the Russian.

    I've heard nothing but great reviews. Of course, I would have gone to see it regardless, but I'm looking forward to it even more now.

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