Sunday, March 05, 2006

Daily Affirmation

My friend Pia, at Courting Destiny, has been nominated for not one, but two blog awards. Best writing and best non-professional blog. She is an exceptional writer and a better friend. And it only takes a few seconds to stop by and vote. Meanwhile, I'm trying to get Pia to endorse the following post as non-offensive.

Have been typing with one and a half hands all day. The outside of my left hand went numb last night. No matter how much I stretch it, shake it, massage my arm, it won't go away. Thought it would be fine when I woke up. It's not. I hope it's not lupus.

My mother was looking at an issue of the National Enquirer when I was over there a couple of months ago. It had a feature article on famous people who were either gay or rumored to be. Mom was just reading them off out loud. Very matter-of-factly. "Oh, Hilary Clinton. You know, I never would have thought that."

I grew up in a household where the National Enquirer was part of the weekly shopping list. And Mom pretty much thought everyone was gay. Except for me and Willie Nelson. Allow me to insert here that I despise tabloids. As for gay people, I have a two-pronged theory. If you're a guy and you're gay, I figure that's one less guy a girl can choose instead of me. If you're a girl and you're gay, I figure there's a possibility I might see you kissing another girl at some point in the future. And let's face it...

Friday afternoon, I called to schedule a massage. I haven't had one since well before Christmas. The lady said that they are renovating. Remodeling. Under investigation. Something. And they won't be offering massages for at least three months. Not good.

Fortunately, that night at Applebee's, I ran into a friend who works at another spa in town. Our conversation had a very auspicious beginning. She told me that they offer massages for ten bucks less than I have been paying. And, she assured me that a female would be doing the massaging. Which is the most important thing, after all. Good enough. End of conversation. Except that it wasn't.

She had been drinking a bit. And it was like a light bulb had just gone off in her head. She turns to J-mo and I and says quite loudly, "You two should come in and get pedicures together!"

What the--?! I almost cursed! Uhhh, no. Guys do not get pedicures together. We don't go into dressing rooms together. We don't go to the bathroom together. And we don't get together after one of us has gone thru a bad breakup to cry, eat ice cream, and dance with each other while watching Lifetime. I just want to make sure we're all clear on that.

Guys go to football games together. We work on cars together, and pretend we know what we're talking about. We go golfing together. And fishing together. But even then, talking is kept to a minimum.

I've been asked if I'm homophobic. I like to think of it more as homonoid (homo + paranoid). A friend coined that word. I borrowed it. I just prefer not to get into certain situations which might make me appear to be something that I am not. Hi, my name is Bone, and I suffer from homonoia. If I were Larry David, I would have the perfect line with which to end this post. And I would do that now. Unfortunately...

I do think that I could perhaps become the Stuart Smalley of heterocity. Let's face it. We've all been in situations that left us feeling awkward and uncomfortable. Accidentally touch hands with another guy. There's almost nothing worse than that. The mid-section of your well-groomed male hair stylist comes to rest snuggly against your arm. Or an attractive girl announces to everyone at the bar that you and your well-dressed male friend should come in and get a "pedi" together.

In times like these, I think we could all use a little positive hetero affirmation. So place your hand on your mouse and repeat after me:

I'm good enough.
I'm straight enough.
And doggone it, women like me.

"Here come the hotstepper. I'm the lyrical gangster. Dial emergency number. Still love you like that..."


  1. Oh, I don't know, Bone.
    Perhaps you need that affirmation because you're scared you fall a little closer to the middle on the gay/straight spectrum.

    I mean, after all, you do sit RIGHT NEXT TO your friends at the movies.

    And no you DID NOT quote HotStepper. Ummm . . . do straight men know that song? :)

  2. First thanks for the plug. And you'll have my public endorsement.

    But I kinda like Meghan's answer. I mean right next to your friend? Wow, the only people I know who sit next to each other in movies are--well, friends.

    Unless you're like me and move away from your friends because they snuck in very smelly food. Then I move as far away as possible and speak very loudly about the very rude people who brought in salami salads

    Actually have never done that, but have been tempted to...

  3. Oh right, forgot, a big sign of gayness is having grown up with the National Enquirer

    But since you don't read it or tabloids you lose your gay points...

  4. How weird is this? I've been singing Here Comes the Hotstepper to myself for the past hour, because Ha, funny, I haven't heard that song in ages.
    Then I go to read a friend's AIM away message and it says "I'm a lyrical gangster". How freaking strange! Maybe it's that whole great minds think alike thing.

  5. Bone, you tell such good stories. I had to go back and read you male stylist one.

    (you so funny!)

  6. Meghan: Uh, yes. Ini Kamoze is an icon in the hetero male community. I know lots of other songs, too ;-)

    Pia: Hey! That only happened once, and I corrected the situation at the next movie.

    Thanks for your endorsement. I'm working on a button that I can post on my sidebar now, "Endorsed as non-offensive by Pia."

    Heather: Wow. That is bizarre. By the way, tomorrow's song is "Wild Wild West" by Kool Moe Dee. Know that one?

    Circe: Thank you so much for the kind words :) I just love your writing.

    ((hugs back))

  7. Good Lord, here we go again. I'm going to hog tie you and drop you off naked in the middle of a gay bar. Then you'll know what it's all about. Women do not even remotely have these issues. I'm not sure guys have these issues, just you. Although the getting a "pedi" together is just a little too gay, even in my book.

    Maybe you have carpal tunnel in your hand...or a brain tumor.

  8. Bone if I didn't know better... I'd say by trying so hard not to sound gay...
    But I know that can't be it...

    A joke told to me one time:
    "What's the difference between a straight person and a gay person?"

    "Three gin and tonics"...

    I personally thought that number seemed a little high...

  9. I understand where you are coming from, but I got over that a long time ago. I used to be a big time homophobe, using profanity to mask my fear. Then one day I heard some guys talking the way I normally did, and it took me aback. From then on I have been very open minded when it comes to homosexuals. I still sit mutual seat apart in the theater, refuse to get my eyebrows waxed [cause then I would have to keep going back], etc. But I have been known to do outlandish things to other guys. At a party last year I danced with a drunken guy friend. After about 30 seconds I grabbed his butt so hard that his feet came up off the ground. All in drunken fun. Nothing implied. No deeply hidden reason for doing such. Just for a laugh.

    Then again, anyone that looks at me and the way I dress knows there is no chance in hades that I am gay. :)

  10. Carnealian: Surely there's someone else out there like me.... Anybody... Hello?

    I think it could be carpal tunnel. Thankfully, it's my left hand...

    OCG: Yes, apparently alcohol makes people do things they wouldn't normally do. Fortunately, my high alcohol tolerance is widely renowned.

    Big Man: I'm open minded. Different strokes for different folks. Just not for me. But um, I really didn't need to know about the party :)

  11. You know, sometimes I wonder about you. All these years that you and I have been hanging out... I don't know where I'm going with this...

    Anyways, we can talk about this on the next show. Good Lord man, we need to develop some material. LOL This topic looks like a good place to start. We've talked about female piercings, tattoos, getting stuck in the same compartment of the revolving door together... now we should move on to discussing homophobia... especially with the whole Brokeback fiasco.


  12. Hey Bone,

    I dated a guy who later figured out that he was gay...but he didn't figure it out until after me and after a slut who was banging him all over the place too. He now lives in Seattle with his partner, they've been together as long as I've been married.
    You're nothing like he was. I find you very hetero...even when you were so concerned about your friend's manner of dress...instead of acting on it rashly you came to us and knew in the end what he really needed was a girl of his own.

    And women do like you...too bad most of us are married ;-)

  13. Bone....24......what do I do? How do I go on now?! Please blog about it and help me!

  14. Kyle: This from the creator of the hetero barrier.

    Renee: Story of my life :)

    Mappy: Yeah. I know. Edgar. That was rough.

  15. The numb hand thing could be a pinched nerve. Definitely see a doctor about it.

    I think you really should get a gay friend. Just so you get over this phobia/paranoia whatever thing you've got.

  16. Have you 1) Been seen discussing the cleanliness of a pear?
    2) Told a guy that his shirt makes him look fat?
    3) Been caught on a faulty 2-line phone telling your "friend" you "fooled" them.

    If none of the above, you are at least as hetero as Jerry. So wait till your girlfriend graduates high school and live happily ever after.

    BTW, you are good enough, smart enough, and we do like you.

  17. Kyle-

    I would think you of all people would know better that to imply anything... you have seen the hot, gorgeous girls dangling from the arm o' Bone... and none of them later brought food to his table at Applebee's... have you heard of projection? Look into it. LOL hoot hoot.


  18. Lass: That's homonoia ;-) As for the gay friend thing, we'll see.

    SD: Your comment had me laughing out loud. Thanks. I have been missing those Seinfeld-laced 'ments.

    OCG: "and none of them later brought food to his table..."

    Laughing out loud again ;-)

  19. Dude. You're not homophobic. You do the typical 'Telegraph to the world that I'm hetero' guy things. You're a bit o.c.d.
    The Enquirer sucks. Weekly World News is much better.

  20. Darkneuro. Haha. Thanks for the, uhh, affirmation :) And I am definitely a bit OCD.