Saturday, March 11, 2006

Bone likes spicy chicken

Kramer: "You see, I come up with these things. I know they're gold. But nothing happens. You know why?"
Jerry: "No resources, no skill, no talent, no ability, no brains..."
Kramer: "No. No time! It's all these menial tasks. Laundry. Grocery shopping. Coming in here talking to you. Do you have any idea how much time I waste in this apartment?"
Jerry: "I could ballpark it."

Had what I think is the worst migraine I've ever had yesterday. My entire left hand went numb for a few minutes. I've never had numbness with a migraine. Just blind spots, headache, and sometimes queasiness. Anyway, it made me wonder if my fingers being numb for the last week could have been a part of it. Anyone know?

Played cards and shot pool last night. (With real people. Not virtually. It's sad I feel the need to clarify.) Realized that I prefer hanging out with small groups of friends to large groups and bright lights. Anyway, I lost at poker. Won at spades. Won at pool. I think you know where I'm going with this... two out of three ain't bad :)

Picked up a clue about the cute blonde who works at the coffee shop this morning. She has a parking pass for the local high school on her rear-view mirror. So, recapping for those who got here late. She only works on Saturdays. And she has a high school parking pass. That's what we know. Now from that, using my Sherlock Holmes-like powers of deduction, I have determined that can only mean one thing. She must be a high school teacher. Sweet!

At this moment, I am sitting here at work. Famished. (Pronounced fuh-meesht' in some areas of central Tennessee.) And I will stay that way until I get off. Do you know why? Because the only thing you can get delivered in this town is pizza. Now don't get me wrong, Bone likes pizza. But Bone doesn't want pizza all the time. Sometimes Bone wants Chinese. Bone likes lo mein. But even the Chinese place here doesn't deliver. What Chinese place doesn't deliver! Isn't that like a rule to get your charter? I don't mind going out to get something. But fast food gets old. And, as a bachelor, my cupboard is not always filled with tempting gustatory delights. That brings me to the entire point of this post. A couple of my entreprenurial ideas. Things I've had in the hopper for awhile.

My first idea is a food delivery service. For a small (or not-so-small) fee, we will order, pick up, and deliver a hot, savory meal to your door. You would be able to choose from a wide variety of local restaurants. It would be a bit more costly than going to get it yourself. But the entire concept is based on one simple theory. People are generally lazy. And most will pick convenience over thriftiness.

Idea number two is Bone's Hetero Haberdashery.* The world's first clothing store especially for hetero guys. (Although Sears has some pretty good stuff.) Upon entering, each male will be assisted by an attractive female. This Hetero Outfit and Raiment Expert will accompany him around the store, offering suggestions and advice on purchases. She'll ask questions like, "Do you have any slightly flared jeans in like a dark dioxide wash, slightly crinkled at the hips? Those would really look good with this shirt." This way, all guys could be well-dressed. And it would be achieved in only the most hetero of ways.

Think of it as sort of the Hooters of men's clothing.

I can see it now. The Hetero Haberdashery Hotties 16-month calendar. Oh this is gonna be big!

* - © 2006 Kramerica Industries. A tiny little division of Sosyampum Hearts. All rights reserved. (Anyone know how to make that little "tm" trademark thingy?)

"I can see a new horizon, underneath the blazing sky. I'll be where the eagle's flyin' higher and higher..."


  1. Yo Bone! Just wanted to let you know that I'm starting the entire Seinfeld Cycle again (as I call it). I just feel it's been too long--I need to practice what I preach. Here I go!

  2. I go here: for all my special html characters. The trademark sign is & trade ; (but without the spaces). ♥

    There's a delivery service in LA that does exactly what you want to do with food. I forget the name of it but they have a menu for all the different restaurants they partner with and they deliver for you. The nice part is they just recently started doing online ordering so you don't actually have to call.

    One of the things you can do to help you in the food dept at work is to keep all the menus, then call the places you want to eat, order for pick up, then go get it. That way, by the time you get there, the food's ready to go and you can eat it back at the office.

  3. My chinese place has online ordering. It's extremely lazy and I feel guilty everytime I do it, but hell, this is Jersey...we don't even pump our own gas.

  4. I have seen food delivery places that p/u and provide delivery from participating food establishments. Always thought that was pretty clever.

    Look for the trademark symbol, in word, under character map (I think)

    Thats all I have to say.

  5. Always wondered how to do the trademark thingie

    Think I'm in love with the two out of "three ain't bad," thing. And excellent detective work.
    Very Bone post.

  6. Southie: OK. I'm not exactly sure what you're talking about. But is there a knuckle involved?

    Xinh: Hang on, I'm gonna try it. ™

    OK, that works.

    Looks like alt+0153 might work also. ™

    Naj: Online ordering. I like it. Minimizing the time I have to speak with the other humans :)

    M: I agree that it is clever. And there's not anything like that around here as far as I know.

    Pia: Well, all the great novels have that ™ line :)

  7. Yes, the episode where Kramer gets an assistant is one of my favorites. And I like the hooters-type clothing store...that's awesome! Have you talked to the coffee shop chick yet? Huh? Huh? Huh? ;)

  8. Yeah, she's a teacher, and AF is really seeking that male companionship!! hahaha.

    (: Ya goof!

  9. Great post! I was laughing out loud on some parts. I even read some of it to my roommates.

  10. So, if I become one of the Hetero Haberdashery girls, does that mean I get to measure inseams? I'll study extra hard and learn to measure for more than just the pleasure of it all!

    I think in my area we did have a take out thingy like you're describing. Didn't work for long. But I think it's a great idea. You should go with it and write on the side!!

    And good luck with the umm, high school teacher.

  11. OK, so apparently the "tm" things don't work in thecomments. Even though they showed up fine when I previewed it.

    Chickadee: Yes, that was a good one. They were going to put an end to maritime oil spills.

    Feenix: It actually took me a few seconds to realize who AF was.

    Lindsy: Thanks. I encourage everyone to read my blog to their roomates.

    Carnealian: I'll see what I can do. You'll have to submit your application and pictures like everyone else though ;-)

  12. About the coffee shop girl.... you sure she's not a high school STUDENT? You better make sure, just to be safe. And you said "sweet" regarding the possibility that she's a high school teacher. I've had guys react that way when they find out I'm a teacher (after the "really? you?" comment), and I don't know what it means. Tell me: what's sweet about a girlfriend who is a high school teacher?

  13. Bone... oh Bone,

    Laughing out loud here.

    Yes, yes the cute blond must be a teacher. I think you should begin bestowing gifts upon her, you know just to make her feel really comfortable around you. You should start handing her thank you cards for each cup of coffee she makes you. Give her little trinket gifts that you know only she will appreciate. And start giving her compliments all the time. When you walk in the store, while she's preparing your latte and as you leave... you will win the way to her heart then, I promise.

    The restaurant idea sounds a lot like this.

    And as to Bone's Hetero Outfit and Raiment Expert (HORE)'s? I think that you already have a line of blovers for that, don't you?


  14. We have a food delivery place like that in our area. I can't remember what they're called, but you call them, they call the restaurant, pick it up and delivery it to you.

    The trademark HTML entity is & # 8482 ; (minus spaces). I use the entity numbers rather than names because not all browsers render the names. I use as my cheat guide. Not as catchy as webmonkey though.

    I was thinking high school student, but if you think she's a teacher...go with that. But I don't think that defense will hold up in court. Maybe in 'Bama it will though... ;P

  15. I thought I had experienced every migraine symptom there is. However, I've never had any part of my body go numb though I might not mind that if it got rid of some of the pain.

    You are such a sleuth! I think you can close the case on this coffee shop girl. Yes, many high school teachers moonlight as Barristas.

  16. Now isn't that somewhat the idea behind Urban Outfitters? Slutty looking girls that talk guys into buying $100 jeans because "You'd look so hot in that."

    As for the delivery idea...I enjoyed that program when I used to live in Portland in 2000. There was this website where you could order food, movies, anything a typical department store would have (clothing, home decor, etc) and they would deliver it within an hour.

  17. The chinese places here don't deliver either. And it's a college town--go figure. I always thought that having movie rental places deliver for a fee would be cool, for those of us who are to poor to order movies off the tv.

  18. Are you sure she isn't a student?


  19. Tara: I was saying it more like a drawn out Eric Cartman-like "Sweeeeet." It's a good thing. Not sure why. Maybe because we all had a crush on a teacher in high school. For me, it was 11th grade history. And this is our way of... Well, lost my train of thought.

    OCG: Gifts, cards, compliments. OK. Got it. I'll let you know hot it turns out. Worse comes to worst, I'll at least have one phone call. I could audioblog!

    Wow, they stole my idea! At least it's not in my area yet.

    Lass: Thanks for the html info :) Yeah, apparently not everyone got my joke about the student/teacher. And in Alabama, 16 is legal as long as it's consensual. I have no idea how I know that.

    Krista: I've been trying to think of a good line. What about these?
    1. So, do you think you could work me into your lesson plan next week?
    2. What's a guy gotta do to earn a gold star around here?

    Audra: Hmm, perhaps it's similar. In my store though, we'll have enough associates to ensure a 1:1 female to male ratio.

    Jen: Feel free to implement my food delivery service idea in your area. Since you're so far away, you won't be in direct competition with us. And once we go national, I'll offer you a fair penny for your locally owned business. And you won't have to work for a long, long time.

    Sherry: I'm quite sure she isn't. Or is.

  20. Well I can't think of anything that hasn't already been said here.

    From your title, I was expecting the one where George likes Kung Pow Chicken and then is sweating. Kung Pow doesn't make me sweat, but I don't usually eat the chilis.

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  22. We've got a place here in KnoxVegas called Takeout Taxi that delivers food from different restaurants.

    Good idea about the clothing store. I'd shop there. If you need some security so things don't get outta hand, let me know.

  23. I'm glad you moved on from the Hardee's chick. Unless this girl has two jobs, then I'm just kidding. And good luck with your new company! My man would shop there if you also specialized in fishing gear and clothes for surveyors. :)

  24. I had the exact same thought as Tara: are you sure she's not a student?

    I just love the "two out of three ain't bad" thing. I think you should try to incorporate it into every post.

  25. Renee: Well, that is where I got the title from. The Jimmy. Was speaking in third-person from that ep as well. Jimmy's very unusual.

    Big Man: I like that idea. You're at the top of a very short list.

    MappyB: I'm not sure about the fishing gear. But I'll send you one of our catalogs and you can check it out.

    Lizzie: I like that idea, too. That could be my thing.

  26. 16 is consensual in AL and legal for marriage in MS. We all know you like the babies, I mean babes, Bone!

  27. haha...Let me know how those pick up lines work out. Maybe you should take her an apple the next time you show up at the coffee shop.

  28. Groovy: Funny. I haven't dated anyone under 20 since, um... well, I was 26 and she was 19.

    Krista: Ahahaha! Love it! Hilarious.