Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Rumors of my demise

Just a note to say that I'm alive. Haven't been able to post anything for a few days. Things that have been going on have dominated my thoughts. And everything that I've written has been very dark or sounds like self-pity.

When I began this, blogging was just a new, fun thing to try. I never thought it would last this long. I never thought anyone besides my real life friends would begin to read it. I never thought I would get to be fairly popular on here. With more readership came the opportunity to chat with and get to know other bloggers. And while the experience has been initially wonderful, it has opened me up to the danger of others revealing things about me that I'd rather keep private.

As contradictory as this may sound, I am a very private person. Blogging, ideally, allows us to expose as much or as little as we wish about ourselves. Yet it is done in an anonymous and safe way. I wish I had remained anonymous forever. I should have. I can write what I choose to write, and keep to myself those things I deem too personal. But now too many people know too much.

I remarked to someone the other day that now maybe I know in some very small way how celebrities feel. To go thru something very painful and very personal. And then to have it talked about or written about in a completely slanted or dishonest way. Never getting to tell your side of the story. And knowing that even if you did, it won't ever change some people's opinions of you. There are always at least two sides to every story.

You know the old saying "Sticks and stones..." That's not true for me. Words hurt me much more deeply than anything else ever could. And I'm not the kind of person who can fire back with equally malicious things. That's just not me. I'd rather take the blame, the guilt, and suffer. Because I think I deserve it. I'm a very sensitive person. Probably overly sensitive. It just became too personal. And I felt I couldn't take anymore.

So I seriously considered quitting this blog this morning. This was originally going to be a farewell post. But thanks to a friend, I changed it. She told me, "I can't believe you are going to let this defeat you." And she was right. I'm sure I've lost or will lose a few readers. But blogging is the sole reason I've rediscovered my love for writing and desire to write. And I'm not going to throw it away just because of a bad experience and a few hateful comments.

Blogging began as a mostly anonymous thing. And I believe bloggers should have an understanding and mutual respect to keep it that way. That being said, I opened myself up. The blame lies entirely on me. And I accept it. All.

On one final, very important note, I want to say the most heartfelt thank you to the handful of you who have offered your support to me during this. I didn't ask for it. You just gave it. And it literally moves me to tears to think about you right now. You'll never know how much that meant. When I needed it more than you could possibly know, you were there. That will never be forgotten.

Thank you for reading. And I hope to be back to normal blogging tomorrow.

"I'm sorry for the way things are in China. I'm sorry things ain't what they used to be. But more than anything else, I'm sorry for myself. Cos you're not here with me..."

20 comments:

  1. It's a fine line between intimacy and anonymity when blogging. Sometimes you can actually have both.

    But whatever you decide, writing through pain is one way of healing.

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  2. I'm glad that you haven't given up on us. I look forward to reading your more literary posts, instead of your personal ones...although I hope you choose to include the yearly Festivus party. ;)
    And more hetero-male rules would be cool too. But that's all fiction...right ;)

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  3. I know how it feels. I hope everything is better soon, Bone. I'm glad you didn't quit the blog.

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  4. Aww, dude. I'm sorry that people are twisting your words and feelings around and making you feel bad.

    I'm glad your friend talked you back into the blog.

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  5. You're so loved, Bone.

    Your writting, your emotion, your stories, your enthusiasm. Everything.
    I have no idea what happened to you, but your words tell me it was something horrible. I'm sorry you had to go through such an exposing thing.

    I'm glad your friend talked you out of leaving us all behind. We sure would miss you... your writting, your emotion, your stories, your enthusiasm.

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  6. A wise blogger friend said to me: "it's the bumps in the road that wake you up and have you alert and ready for the scenic part of the drive."

    Jimmy Buffet said too that life is like a scavenger hunt. And it's the "bumps in the road" that make life interesting.

    I'm going to heed my own advice here too.

    Luv ya!

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  7. Oh no, I had no idea any of this was going on. I can understand why you would want to leave your blog though I feel very grateful that you're not going to quit! I immensely enjoy your blog; your insight, humor and unique posts.

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  8. Hi, Bone. This is my first time here so I have no idea what the backstory is on this post, but I feel for you. I don't blog about my personal life, other than work and dogs, but I can imagine what it's like to have strangers and blogfriends surrounded with the accusations I sometimes suffer personally. Not good. Thanks for staying with it. Pia writes highly of you and I'm glad you decided to stick around.

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  9. Hey hun
    I'm glad you're not quitting your blog, and I guess if I had been paying closer attention these last few months, I would have known what was going on with you...I'm always here for you, know that! Anything you ever need, you can always call on me, even if it's just to vent, cry or chat. I consider you a friend after all these months of conversing :-)

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  10. Whoa, what on earth happened? I'm sorry you're feeling this way. You gotta do what you gotta do, you know? You can't force yourself to keep up the blog if your heart is not in it, but just know we do love reading! I hope things get better for you soon....

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  11. We do love reading your post.
    I've felt like stopping before but it helps me out sometimes.
    Hang in there Bone...

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  12. Oooh I'm so glad you were talked down from jumping blog-ship! It's a shame we can't say what we want without being anonymous. Being judged is no fun. I look forward to reading many more of your posts Mr. Bone.

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  13. I understand that pain Bone. That's why I had to go underground and entered the WIP under an assumed name. I don't mention my blog anymore in conversation, and all I know is she saw me call her a psychotic cyberstalker here. So I deleted my blog and started fresh. Well, after all...she is. People like that tend to use only their perception of your words to start a war. They do it for fun. They are those that only operate in turmoil. So, not cool.

    But...
    Are you Master of your domain? ;~D

    Don't let a punk take you from what you love and what we, your readers, greatly appreciate. If you need to change scenery, fine, but let your friends know where to find you. K?

    In the meantime, check this out. Courtesy of Jen.

    www.gilligansisle.com/stairway.html

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  14. Glad to see that you didn't leave us. Remember; JUDY BLUME!

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  15. i really enjoy reading your blog...sure hope you don't leave

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  16. Thank you all.

    I'm not planning on going anywhere. Although I did briefly consider it.

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  17. you just can't go. there's still stuff to be done, things to be written about. i love reading your thoughts. they are much like my own only articulated on a higher plane. you rule. without you...the hearts would never be as good..

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  18. Give me some names, and I'll handle them Luca Brazi-style. Trust in The Big Man. :)

    Glad you are continuing blogging.

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  19. Alison: You are too kind. Besides, we need the blog to publicize the hearts :)

    Big Man: Ha ha. I like that idea!

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