Friday, March 31, 2006

Friday Flashback: The End?

I'm starting a new feature today, the Friday Flashback. The plan is to to repost something from my archives. Hopefully, it will be something you haven't read before. Today's entry was originally posted May 13, 2004.

Here we were, after all these months, the nights, the days, the phone calls, the arguments. After so many times of almost ending it, we were finally about to do it. I thought it was for the best, and I'm sure she felt the same. But still, while on the outside my actions and words indicated I was ready to go and that I no longer cared, inside my heart was clinging to her as tightly as it could.

And while initially, the physical body may win that battle. In the long run, the heart will still be holding on, long after she is gone. When I can no longer see her face, hear her voice, smell her perfume, look into her eyes, my heart will still feel her, long for her, remember her, love her.

There is always that moment when you feel like you still have a chance to save it all. And you think that maybe if you just say "I'm sorry" or "I don't want this" or "I love you" that maybe, just maybe, everything will be OK. I mean, is it so bad to apologize even when you don't feel like you were wrong? Is it so wrong to give in and lose one battle in order to save months or years spent building a relationship? No. But it is difficult. It is a hard thing to swallow one's pride. But pride makes a lousy companion.

How did we get here? When did we stop fighting for each other and start fighting against each other? That is the million dollar question. And I have no answer. I suppose that it starts with something small. Some seemingly insignificant moment. Maybe I did not return her "I love you." Or maybe I hung up the phone on her. Or maybe I forgot to call to say I was going to be late.

And once one person stops giving one hundred percent, stops living for the other, it is only a matter of time before the other becomes weary of trying to sustain the relationship alone.

Maybe I could stop it. I probably should stop it. Or at least try. Looking back one day, I know I will see so many times when she was reaching out to me, just begging me to pay attention, to change things, to right the ship. Yet we just sailed on, slowly going down with the ship and acting as if we never saw the treacherous waters raging around us.

And suddenly I remember. I remember the girl I fell in love with. I remember every sweet thing she used to do. I remember us, before we became her and me. And I love her. And so I say it. "Let's not do this. Can't we work this out?" But then her face is strange. Her mind is made up. I can see it without her ever saying a word. It is too late. Her body is there, but she is already gone. And in that instant, my heart sinks to the pit of my stomach. It breaks. My eyes water. I can barely breathe. My life, my world, my best friend, my partner, is gone...

And then the phone rings. And I wake up. All at once I realize it was all a dream. Everything is OK. Wrong number. I hang up and call her. I wake her up. It does not matter. I have to tell her. I tell her I love her twenty times. She has no idea what has gotten into me. But that is OK. She is here. She is wonderful. Life is good. And I am thankful that it was only a dream. And I make a vow to myself to try harder, to do better, so I will never have to face the end.

"And I know that you'd be here right now, if I coulda let you know somehow..."

21 comments:

  1. Wow. What an emotional post. How heart wrenching it must have been for you to have written that.

    That post brought back memories of the last 2 men I dated. The one guy I don't miss, and I wonder why I didn't end it sooner. But the other guy, I still think about him and cringe when I think of how poorly I treated him. Yes, I'm happily married now, but that last one, I still think about him and wonder how he's doing today and wonder if he knows how sorry I am that I treated him so badly. I have regrets with him, mostly over the way I treated him.

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  2. I cried too...it's exactly what I'm thinking this morning...do I let him slip away or fight for him...

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  3. Wow, you gave me chills babe...

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  4. I'm speechless.
    Very moving.

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  5. Truly beautiful Bone, maybe one of my top five...

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  6. Blondie: So it was sort of like watching VH-1: Behind The Music?

    Chickadee: I think we all have people like that. The fact that you feel bad for the way you treated him says a lot.

    J: To move someone to feel with written words. That is the ultimate to me.

    Arlene: Thanks, dear. I hope that's a good thing.

    Sherry: Thank you. I'll consider leaving Sherry speechless as one of my greatest accomplishments :)

    Pia: I shortened the paragraphs from the original post. You like? ;-)

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  7. That was lovely, Bone.

    (On a side note, wow - you were blogging in 2004? I didn't even know what a blog was back then. You're a man ahead of your time.)

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  8. p.s. Is your blog a Yankee Hater? My profile pic doesn't show up on that page where everyone else's pics show up. I'm starting to take it personally...

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  9. Man, that's some yellow brick road I've traveled. I realized though, that although pride builds walls that can destroy a relationship, losing one's integrity and pleading don't do any good when it isn't returned. That is heartbreaking. Giving everything you have and the other person just letting you, watching you, even acknowledging the sacrifice and then seeing them turn their back and walk away when your whole heart, soul, body, gave every ounce of strength for the relationship delivers a suckerpunch like no other.

    Can't believe I only now just found my "kindred spirit" brother and you've been here for years.

    Great writing, Sir Bone of Latte. Truly Magnificent.

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  10. Lizzie: Thanks. No, you have to click the "blogger" button, then sign in that way to comment. Then I think it will show up.

    I, nor my blog, are Yankee haters.

    Dorothy: You are right. That can really sap all your energy and emotion.

    Sir Bone of Latte. I had forgotten about that. I love it!

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  11. *sigh*

    bone, bone, bone, your posts always cut me up inside.

    i also dont know what "happened", but i am glad that you arent giving in and giving up.

    m

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  12. larsonbuckeyefans4/04/2006 06:57:00 PM

    I stumbled across your blog while searching yahoo for photos of that famous and horrible broken crimson tide leg.My brother called to say I had to see it.So I searched.And fate led me to Bone.I read your profile and many of your posts that day.And the next day I checked in to see what you had to say.Lo and behold I was hooked like so many others.Now I get the shakes when I check in EVERY weekday morning if there is no fresh Bone news.I like it when you simply tell us about your day.And if you'd like to move here I could fix you up with one of my hot girlfriends....I have 2 that would be perfect for you........

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  13. M: Just something we all have to go thru eventually to some degree, on some level. Is that cloudy enough for ya? :)

    Buckeyefans: Two? lol What is this, Big Love? Are you near Cincinnati? Cos I'd really like to have Reds season tickets.

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  14. Thanks for making fun of me. ;)

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  15. Anytime :)

    You know I wasn't making fun. Just trying to be funny.

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