Saturday, August 18, 2007

...But somebody's gotta do it

From Seinfeld episode #70, The Lip Reader:
Kramer: "Hey Jerry, do me a favor. The next time you see that lineswoman ask her how those ball boys get those jobs. I would love to be able to do that."
Jerry: "Kramer, I think perhaps you've overlooked one of the key aspects of this activity. It's ball boys, not ball men. There are no ball men."
Kramer: "Well, there ought to be ball men."

Lately, I've been considering looking for a new career. Or, as some might say, looking for a career. Obviously, my first choice would be to go from being the unpaid-disseminator-of-three-words to a well-paid-comfortably-living-writer. But what if that doesn't happen? I don't want to be sitting around in my mid-30's playing Nintendo and not knowing what I want to do with my life.

So I've been keeping my eyes open, and I've discovered there are a ton of fascinating career opportunities out there. And though I'm not quite sure how one would go about obtaining any of these jobs, let's look at a few now:

Career Option #1: Lindsay Lohan's driver

I was watching a VH-1 special this morning on the troubles of the voluptuous one. Now as I see it, the majority of Miss Lohan's legal troubles stem from driving under the influence.

Solution? Stop her from driving. And who better to drive around one of the great, misunderstood thespians of our time than yours truly?

The advantages would be tremendous. I'd live in California, could serve as both her father figure and trusted confidant, and in all likelihood I would be credited with helping to save her career and she would owe me big time.

Career Option #2: Commercial Lobster Fisherman

Last night, I was watching Lobster Wars on Discovery. Now I've heard people say this is a dangerous job requiring you to risk your life every single day. Friends, I risk my life everytime I sprint up and down the stairs in my apartment, running from whatever might be chasing me. Believe me, I've had a number of close calls!

Besides, not everyone on these boats are leaning over the railing risking their lives, right? I'm sure they have people who remain solidly in the center of the boat. Maybe I could work down in the hull, in the boiler room or something.

Wonder if I could get a note from my Mom. "Bone has a bit of an equilibrium problem. Please excuse him from hanging over the side of the boat and any other activities in which he might possibly die. Also, he dislikes loud noises and sometimes gets a tummy ache after he eats Mexican food." Wonder if that would work.

Career Option #3: Women's Pro Beach Volleyball Linesman

I was watching Misty May and Kerri Walsh on TV last weekend when the camera panned to this guy just standing at the corner of the court, signaling whether balls were in or out.

Where do I sign up! I could do that. I'm already sitting here in my underwear eating Doritos watching them. Why not put on my board shorts and watch them in person while getting some sun. Heck I could even apply sunscreen to the girls and get water for them during breaks in the action. I'm nothing if not a multi-tasker.

Don't discount this idea. Someone is doing this job right now. Why shouldn't it be me? They wouldn't even have to pay me.

Career Option #4: Sideline Cord & Wire Untangler

I go to a good number of college football games. Anytime the games are televised, there are several people who follow the camera operators and reporters around on the sidelines, holding their cords and keeping them straight.

I'm not sure what the prerequisites for this job would be, but I've always been good at getting shoe laces unknotted. I keep my garden hose coiled nicely when not in use, and I have braided a girl's hair before, in a standard, three-strand braid.

The benefits to this job would be tremendous. I'd get to travel around the country, take in a little football, and might even bump into Erin Andrews. Again, salary optional.

Career Option #5: Reality TV Show Star

This is probably the most obvious and natural career move for me to make. Here's the premise of the show. I would play the protege of a big-name celebrity, say for example, Scott Baio. The show could be called something catchy like, oh I don't know, Scott Baio Is 46 & A Mentor.

Scott would serve as my relationship mentor, with Nicole Eggert starring as my love interest. Since Scott is already unknowingly my relationship mentor, the transition would be seamless. Season one guest stars would include Henry Winkler and Willie Aames. Who wouldn't watch that!

There you have it, just a few of the career options stretched out before me on that vast horizon known as tomorrow. As you can see, the future looks bright for Bone.

"I study nuclear science. I love my classes. I got a crazy teacher. He wears dark glasses..."


  1. ... "troubles of the voluptuous one"... Someone's been watching too much GH.

    I think you should play the main character in, "Scott Baio is 45 and needs a good beating." You, of course, would deliver the beating.

  2. LOL, go for it! I'm sure you're up for the challenge of an exciting career change.

  3. So, your number one consideration is to desert us? Hmmm.

    As to untangling the knots, one prerequisite to the job is most likely untangling a womans long hair after being outdoors in the wind all day, or a child's hair she has not brushed and slept on for several days and played in the wind, without inducing tears. Add that to your resume, the job would probably be yours.

  4. You have been watching GH too much--re career choice 1--never heard Lindsay called that before (a Spinelli name if I ever heard one)
    And who better to drive around one of the great, misunderstood thespians of our time than yours truly?
    From all your TV watching?

    Do I get approval re Scott Baio as 'tor? Personally I think that's the career choice, other than writing, you should go for.

    Think you should read on how to become a member of an entourage. Hear the perks and benefits are great; and you'll be thrown a hundred to get coffee, and you don't have to return the change

    If you do this five times a night....

    But I kind of like the one where you have to get a note from your mommy

    Personally I think the career you're meant for is to chronicle both Seinfeld and Larry David

    You have all the scripts sorta memorized--you can explain them--come to NY for Seinfeld and LA for Larry--just a thought

  5. ...the future is looking great! And it's only getting better!...

    you're so right...someone needs to do those jobs. But if you keep taking the salary optional will you eat or drive thru for coffee and that cute girl smile?


    Actually that tent hasn't been used yet, so it smells like a plastic bag. blech! but I do see your point.

    Tonight the sleeping bag is in it...we'll see if she is. DH says the tent has to move tomorrow or it will make a brown spot there in the yard...little does he know that the swimming pool stayed up for like a week while he was gone.

  6. Scarlet Hip: Oh, you are so right. I was channeling Spinelli and didn't even realize it. That's a little scary.

    Kontan: Yes, I think it's more of a question of "which" rather than "if" :)

    Marcia: Surely you know I would never desert ya'll :)

    As for the untangling tips, I've never gotten my hand caught in a girl's hair. Well, at least not since the 80's.

    Pia: Sounds like someone's been watching some occasional GH :)

    I thought you were in favor of any Scott Baio-related activity. I like the entourage idea. And the Seinfeld/LD one. I also thought about becoming a translator for Dennis Miller jokes, but then decided that would be much too time-consuming.

    Renee: I'm sure I wasn't thinking clearly when I agreed to work for free :)

    I want to go camping, but it's much too hot here right now.

  7. It appears you have been doing a great deal of searching for this new job. These all sound like great professions, I'm actually kind of jealous that I didn't think of them. They probably also needs lines people for the US Open, and you could live near NYC!!! Or Wimbledon! French Open!!!

  8. This is a hard one! So many exciting choices! Being LL driver would be fun... you'd have tons of stories and probably see lots of boobage! Course, she's kinda nasty...

    Oh well, you could always have her momma, Dina. She's divorced now and will be on the prowl more than ever! *snicker*

  9. lolol you are so funny!

    Ok I am wondering just Why you want to be LL's "father figure and trusted confidant" though... thats no fun! Perhaps the cool uncle part would serve you better and she could hook you up with some of her hot friends (you might even be able to screen them as you drive them here and there... )

    Not loving the Boating idea... takes you too far from a computer and we would all miss 3WW =]

    Volleyball guru... maybe you should start by ummmm PLAYING! lol

    Cord detangler... lol ummm sounds like a 'challenging' career! Ya gonna market yourself to a specific team, Arena or sportscasting company to do that?

    I think there is promise in the Scott Baio thing... ok perhaps not, but I do think you could put together a reality show... I want thinking of something with blogging... a group of 2 or 3 core people running around the world meeting the bloggers they have known for months or years and seeing what happens when they have tasks to do together... like the amazing race meets Big Brother with the Blogging connection! Just think of the Red Room discussions! Of course since its my idea I get to be one of the core people! =]

  10. too funny.

    you make me laugh ALL the time.

    I think writing will make you money one day.

  11. you have the typing thing down and the tv viewing thing down... you should become a tv closed-caption typer.... i hear you can do that from home - you won't even have to put your board shorts on

  12. Carnealian: Better yet, I could be a ball man. Or a chair umpire! Now that would be a sweet gig. I'd get to sit up high, argue with Andy Roddick, etc.

    Kerry: Dude, her momma needs some quaaludes or something. She seems to have no concept of what it means to be an adult.

    Kate: I have only the purest desires for young Lindsay, to see her overcome her struggles and have a successful career. If she feels the need to repay me later, then so be it :)

    I like the blogger world tour idea, though I would definitely need a network to fund that so I could quit my job.

    Shelby: I hope so! Thank you :) Glad I made ya laugh.

    Question Girl: I dunno. I tend to get distracted easily and flip channels during a commercial.

  13. And by 'lately' you mean for-fucking-ever, right?

  14. I think you should hold out for the writing's definitely what you're meant to be doing. :~)

  15. Two thoughts:

    One: I seem to remember a post about your skin that would seem to suggest that you would not pass the pre-employment physical for the volleyball linesman job. It's played outside. At the beach. In the sun. All day long.

    Two: Doesn't "salary optional" sort of negate your reasons for wanting to get a real job in the first place?

    Perhaps you should look for work as a writer. You do that well.

  16. If you get the line job for the girl's beach volleyball, let me know if there's an opening for the line on the other side of the court, okay. That might be a good career change for me.

  17. Gosh it feel like months since I've been here.

    So anyway, does that mean (he he he) that tomorrow you might turn into a Commercial Lobster Fisherman.

  18. And what, exactly, is your current career?

  19. really shooting for the stars, huh?

  20. While I, personally, agree with your other commenters in the hold out for the writing gig, it's obviously your calling camp . . . I can see the appeal of the other positions. Especially the football cord/wire detangler. Oooh, if you discover the necessary qualifications for that job - let me know.

    Coupla questions, though:

    A) . . .could serve as both her father figure and . . .

    Bone, considering you called her The Voluptuous One (channeling Spinelli, for sure), can you truly wish to be her father figure? Sure, it works for Jessica and Ashlee Simpson's dad, but, umm, he's CREEEEEEEEEPPPPPYYYY.

    B) I'm nothing if not a multi-tasker.

    This isn't so much a question as pointing to direct, contradictory, proof that this is CANNOT be true: Y-Chromosomitis

    C) . . .and I have braided a girl's hair before, in a standard, three-strand braid.

    Whe . .. On second thought, I don't think I want to know. :D

  21. Heather B: No, I meant lately. Or a few years. Whichever.

    Fledgling Poet: Thank you for those nice words :) That is my hope, though it might not necessarily be the best for Miss Lohan's career.

    Gay: Well, I have gotten a little bit of a tan spending last weekend on the lake and at the pool. Or maybe I could just wear like a really light long-sleeved shirt and a sun hat :)

    Sage: Will do! As you may or may not know, in situations such as this, I always employ the No Blogger Left Behind policy.

    GirlFPS: Hey! Where ya been? :) Well, maybe not tomorrow. But if I ever do get on Lobster Wars, I'll be sure to wear a tshirt with "If You Read Only One Blog This Year" on it, so you'll all know it's me.

    Jen: Umm, none of these :)

    ACG: Yes, it's something I learned many years ago, from someone who had a huge impact on my life...Casey Kasem.

    Avery Laine: Augh, using my own posts against me. That hurts. It really does.

    But really applying the sunscreen and getting the water is still under the same umbrella (pun intended) of caring for the girls. So, it could be considered one thing :)

    And I'm sure most every man has braided a girl's hair at some point in his life, right?


  22. Bone:

    I hate to disappoint you but your career choice #3 is a nonpaying position.

    Sadly, those people are people that volunteer to do that job or are the sorry interns from whatever companies are sponsoring the tournament.

    It's really not that much fun at all actually... aside from the getting sun part.

    Sorry to burst your bubble. :)

  23. Bone-
    You'd be a wonderful teacher...creative writing for 4th graders :)

    Then again, lobsters don't talk back!

    I miss Jack, and I miss your commentary. One of these days I'll get around to 3WW- it's just that it reminds me of 4th grade!
    LOL :)
    I'm teasing!

  24. Well, you couldn't come accross any more of an idiot than Scott Baio does. ;) I think your reality tv career is your best shot. Go for it!

  25. Your horoscope said: it's time for a career change. You show great skill and talent in the arts. Maybe you should think of pursuing a career in writing. Jon Stewart might need you in 07; David Letterman might find that you're the one the writer he needs. But first you have to submit

    Really. Would I lie? I would say "Scott Baio is waiting for you to do something. Nobody is sure what."

  26. I been in Washington, visiting my dad and helping build a second story to one of his houses.

    And driving from California to Washington is the new record for the most driving I've done (typing that almost makes my rear end hurt).

  27. lol...I like the pro beach volleyball linesman gig out of all of them. Seems much more laid back than the other ones.

    Cord & line untangler....I wonder how much they really do make.

  28. well then I think we should look for a network! Got any connections?

  29. I'd go with the Reality Tv Star.

  30. I think you would do a bang-up job for any of these employment opportunities! :)

  31. Duh, your perfect career has been staring us in the face and nobody has thought of it
    3WW TV Show--with Bone as exec producer and host. You generate the words. Contestants get 20 minutes--only two shown on screen--to write a first draft, and 20 more to edit

    Sometimes during the editing process you get to add or take away a word

    And you get to do a monologue at the beginning of the show

  32. DCChick: Give my heart back when you are done crushing it with your bare hands, please :)

    Mayden: They don't talk back, but I assume they bite. Or snap. I don't do well with infections. I'll have to get that added to my note from my Mom.

    Carmen: Scott's main problem is his friend, Johnny V. Once he cuts him out of his life, you'll see a new, more mature Scott Baio :)

    Pia: Letterman, Jon Stewart, Scott Baio?? No, you couldn't have made that up. It's so me. Only the stars could have known!

    GirlFPS: Wow, I'm guessing that took a few days. Glad you're back!

    Carlos: I haven't done any salary range research on any of these positions. I guess that's my next step :)

    Kate: I don't. I was hoping you did. Maybe if I show VH-1 how much I've been promoting Scott Baio, that'll get my foot in the door.

    OK Chick: That seems to be the general consensus of what I should do. Stay tuned.

    Circe: Why thank you, Miss Circe. Though I might not use "bang-up" on my Lindsay Lohan driver resume :)

    Pia: You sold me with the monologue. If I don't have anything to talk about one night, I'll just read an old blog post.