Friday, April 20, 2007

"You can all sleep sound tonight..."

I went to the little shop of horrors Wednesday to get a haircut. The LSOH takes both appointments and walk-ins. Being a guy, I of course was a walk-in.

As I waited, a woman in one of the chairs was coughing up a lung, and not even pretending to cover her mouth. The stylist said to her two different times, "You probably need to get some anti-biotics for that." Now I can't say for certain, but it's probably not a good sign when the person who cuts your hair feels compelled to give you medical advice.

In between coughs, this modern-day Typhoid Mary was going on about how she'd been coughing for weeks and couldn't "get anything to come up." OK, that's not gross at all. The worst and most fearful part of it all was that there were only two people working, which meant there was a 50% chance I would be sitting right where she was.

So there I sat, terrified I was going to get that chair right after her and probably contract pneumonia or lupus or something and die a painful, unpleasant, phlegm-filled death. I tried to act non-chalant, though I would have been about as comfortable waiting on a vasectomy. I contemplated leaving, just getting up and saying, "Tell you what, I'll just come back later." I thought about asking if they had any Lysol and spraying the area down immediately after the germophile had vacated the premises.

Fortunately another chair opened before she was done. Disaster averted. But what if it hadn't? Or what happens the next time? Am I gonna have to start carrying a can of Lysol around everywhere I go? And from that last question, an idea was born. The idea for a new superhero: Lysol Man.

It could be a whole new ad campaign. It's exactly what this world needs. A germ-fighting, non-violent superhero. He would wear a Lysol-blue spandex outfit with a big "L" on front. Or better yet, a picture of a germ with a slash across it. Yes! Picture this:

(The setting: A classroom.)

There are three kids at a table. One kid turns to the camera, scrunches up his nose, fans his hand in front of his face, and says, "I think Johnny forgot to take a bath again."

Suddenly, bursting thru the classroom door, it's Lysol Man! As he enters, an announcer with a deep, booming voice says, "Lysol Man! Da da daaaaah!" (a la Trojan Man).

Whipping a can of Powder Fresh Scent Lysol out of his belt, Lysol Man speaks, "Never fear, my little germophobe. Lysol Man is here." He proceeds to saturate the area.

The kids cheer, "Yay! Lysol Man!"

Lysol Man jogs out of the room, stopping on the way to kiss the attractive, voluptuous teacher. After he leaves the teacher asks, "Who can kill 99.9 percent of germs, class?"

The kids answer in unison, "Lysol Man can!"

(fade to black)

And who better to be Lysol Man than me? A germophobe fighting germophiles. Of course! It's all so clear to me now. Why did I not see this before?

By day, he lives among humans as mild-mannered, unassuming blogger Bone. But when germophiles strike, he slips his taut-pre-teen-Swedish-boy body into form-fitting spandex and turns into Lysol Man. Armed with only his trusty can of Lysol, an itchy trigger finger, and super-keen street sense, Lysol Man travels the globe in search of germs, bacteria, and malodorous emanations.


"Believe it or not, I'm walking on air. I never thought I could feel so free. Flying away on a wing and a prayer. Who could it be? Believe it or not it's just me..."


  1. I love it! And think of the marketing possibilities for a whole generation of germaphobes! Lysol Man wipes, sprays and dolls made just for kids.

    I wonder, though. Do you know the theme song from The Greatest American Hero because you used to watch the show or from Seinfeld?

  2. taut-pre-teen-Swedish-boy body

    Bone, I believe that is far more information about your body than anyone wanted or needed. The visions that placed into my mind . . . shudder.

    I admit having a need for Lysol Man in my life. It's sinful how many people lack common manners. And how many children have sticky hands. :)

  3. I tried to act non-chalant, though I would have been about as comfortable waiting on a vasectomy.

    Love that analogy. And the Lysol Man concept.

    No it's not a good sign when the person cutting your hair feels compelled to give you medical advice

  4. LMAO... very funny! I carry my own version of Lysol man with me everywhere... hand sanitizer! =]

    Have a great weekend!

  5. That's most excellent Bone!

  6. Xinh: Good point about the marketing. It'd be fun for kids, and healthy.

    And yes, that's mainly how I know the theme song. Although I vaguely remember watching the show when I was little, I never would have remembered it without Seinfeld.

    Avery: Well, I've mentioned the taut pre-teen Swedish boy line a few times before.

    I saw a need and I'm trying to meet it. That's basically what this post comes down to :)

    Pia: Thanks. I didn't figure it was. What happens there, you go to the doctor and say, "My hair stylist said I should probably come in?"

    Kate: Excellent! You know, we do have room for a female superhero. Lysol Man's counterpart, SuPurell Girl :)

    J-Mo: Thanks, bro.

  7. Oh Bone... you are so quirky. Did you know you are supposed to cough or sneeze into your elbow instead of your hand now days? It's true you don't open door knobs with your elbows, or turn on light switches, it is a far better way to cover your mouth.

  8. I would prefer Lysol man be built more like a Spartan. And be permanently ensconced in my classroom. Thank you.

  9. Are you part Swedish or something? Because I'm 1/4 Swedish and därför den där skulle fantastisk och bra fredag! {it basically means ''because that would be fantastic and good friday!''}.

  10. So, because I had a lot of time at work today to do absolutely nothing, I came up with some ideas for Lysol Man.

    First, I think you should stick with the capital L on the chest rather than the no germ symbol because Lysol does more than just kill germs. It also disinfects and gets rid of smells.

    Second, I think there should be a Lysol Man action figure with Lysol spray grip!

    To go with the action figure, I think he should have an aerosol propelled car (which won't be great for the environment I know).

    And for the action figure to live in, a Clean House. You know those rooms that companies make computer chips and deadly viruses and stuff in? Like that, only a whole house. And the house won't have any knobs of any kind. The doors will all slide open like in Sci-Fi movies and tv shows. This way, no one will have to touch a knob and get germ-y.

    And every action figure and accessory comes with a can of Lysol and disinfectant wipes.

    I told you I had a lot of time on my hands at work today.

  11. HAHAHAHAHHA... You watch alot of cartoons, dont you?

    Spartans were hot! ;)

  12. Melanie: Thanks for that sanitary health tip :) That makes perfect sense.

    Brookelina: Ah, many a fair damsel have longed to keep their superhero close by. But we are called to fight crime, save the world, and kill germs.

    It's not easy. To be. Me.

    GirlFPS: No, not that I know of. It's just a frequent line that I got from Seinfeld and often use. That's interesting that you're Swedish though :) Good Friday to you, too.

    Xinh: I LOVE those! The action figure, the aerosol-propelled car, and the knobless house! Those are great.

    Although I was trying to think today, what would Lysol Man's one weakness be?

    Kerry: The only Spartans I know were the cheerleaders on SNL :)

  13. Now, I’ll admit it, I was laughing by the time I finished the first paragraph, Bone, but I was uncontrollable until here:

    So there I sat, terrified I was going to get that chair right after her and probably contract pneumonia or lupus or something and die a painful, unpleasant, phlegm-filled death. I tried to act non-chalant, though I would have been about as comfortable waiting on a vasectomy.

    And that’s when I started to lose it.

    I know I say the same thing post after post, but you crack me up.

    Though I have to say… instead of revering Lysol Man, I’m kind of scared of him. Seriously Spandex and a trigger fi… well. ‘Nuff said, right? O:)

  14. i think you've found your calling. go to your destiny!

  15. I tried to comment about this yesterday, but got called away to real life...again.

    Truely one of your best posts Bone. I think the taugh bod part got all us married ladies all hot and bothered ;o) just kidding.

    I do sympathize with you about the gross germy people though. Although I'm not as bad as some folks. I have a friend who won't go to her library because she's a germophobe...very similar to the lady that wouldn't share Elaine's bathroom. I don't think she goes in public.

    Yesterday I was at a homeschooling fair and this one lady that I know with 4 kids was there. she had given her kids lollypops and her almost youngest was making a HUGE mess of himself with it and he was touching everything with his sticky fingers...our table, our business cards and a sample newsletter. shudder! The sad part is this lady doesn't think that she needs a homeschooling support group yet because her kids aren't school age. I'm glad though because I really don't want to be seeing more of her. BLECH!

  16. I agree with ought not torture us old married ladies so ;) (just kidding!) You can come save the day here anytime...we have germs a-plenty that needs fighting!!
    And I haven't heard the theme song from Greatest American Hero since high school. Now it's going to be stuck in my head all day!! :)

  17. Love the song quote and if Lysol Man could come to my class I would appreciate it. I have a kid who takes a bath MAYBE once a week, by Friday...ew. Somebody's got to say something to him and I'm really hoping it isn't me. He'll be mortified, but gee-gads ick.

    The stylist would have appreciated germx and a can of lysol, I'm sure.

  18. That was a laugh a min! I think my hair will not be getting cut for a while....:(

  19. Too funny! I love laughing at your stories.. always a pick me up..

    by the way, my photo today for "scribblings" reminds me of your header photo.. come see oh ye of north Alabama bloodline..


    ( )

  20. I know this post was supposed to be funny, but my mom was lysol woman. Ever wonder why women tote big purses, wonder no more. When I was a kid, she'd spray down the hotel bathroom before we were allowed to enter. Her shoulder was probably saved when they came out with clorox and lyscol wipes--allowing her to shave a pound of so out of her bag!

    Good story Bone!

  21. TC: Thanks. I can understand how Lysol Man might frighten you at first. Just remember, he is your friend :)

    Sizzle: I think I just saw the stink signal. I must go!

    Renee: I think the taugh bod part got all us married ladies all hot and bothered

    You've got me laughing out loud with that one. I guess Lysol man needs to have some disinfectant wipes on his person, as well.

    Jennifer: It always makes me smile when I can get a song stuck in someone's head :)

    Kontan: I actually had a teacher in seventh grade send a kid out in the hall and then proceed to spray down the area around his desk.

    Yes, if I had been cutting her hair, I think I would have had to say, "I'm sorry. But if you're gonna keep coughing like that, you're gonna have to go somewhere else."

    ATag: Why will your hair not be getting cut for awhile?

    Sage: Thank you. I never thought much about germs until a few years ago. But now that I know there are things I can do to help prevent sickness, I try and do them.

  22. I'd like to have a Lysol Man..

    As a stylist, I can tell you that the coughing chair should have been the least of your worries.. I could tell you some stories that would have you buying your own set of clippers and opting for a lifetime of buzz cuts...

    I love the reference to "The Greatest American Hero." I used to love that show.

  23. You could save yourself all the angst and just get a Flowbee. But then kids might run screaming from you.

  24. "his taut-pre-teen-Swedish-boy body into form-fitting spandex" Dear God, the visuals!!!

    If she hadn't coughed up anything over the last couple of weeks, your demise probably wouldn't have been phlegm filled either. You can breathe a sigh of relief!

  25. We'll have to make you a cape and everything. :)

  26. I desperately needed the services of Lysol Man this weekend. I was helping friends work a booth at a local charity event when a child sneezed fudgesicle juice all over me. And my white pants.

    Do you think Lysol Man could add a can of OFF to his outfit, as well? The event was by the river and the mosquitos were in full force.

    Aren't you jealous of my weekend??

  27. Burg: Eww, no! OK, a home haircut kit is next on my list. Or maybe I could just bring in my own comb and clippers for them to use.

    Lass: I had to google Flowbee :) Yes, some quality of appearance might be sacrificed with that.

    Carnealian: Is that a bad visual or a good visual? ;)

    At least pretend to cover your mouth, for my sake. That's all I'm saying.

    Carmen: Definitely! Can't be a superhero without a cape.

    Avery: Actually, Lysol Man has his hands full fighting germs and odor. What you're looking for is Lysol Man's friend, Pesticide Man.

    Or, just my friend Keith from last week's 3WW :)

  28. hate to tell you but lysol man already is in my classroom... along w/ clorox wipes woman, and hand-sanitizer girl

  29. QG: Wow, sounds like you've got the whole Hall of Justice, er Cleanliness, in class :)