A show for the aged

Most of us probably have a few select tours we'd like see before we set sail for that great mosh pit in the sky. 

A Wham! reunion tour.  Miami Sound Machine.  DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince "Grandparents Just Don't Understand Tour."  (What?  I have mine.  You have your own.)

We sit around whiling away the hours in our workaday lives, just hoping for the day when we hear the news that our favorite band has gotten back together.

But then sometimes a tour comes along that is so amazing, so completely out of left field, that you didn't even know to wish for it.  It is truly beyond your wildest concert dreams.

That tour has arrived.

That's right, boys and girls... mostly girls.  Motownphilly, back again!  Turns out it's not so hard to say hello to yesterday.  You just thought it was the end of the road.  The nineties called, they want their boomsauce back!  

I've a mind to pull out my Batman t-shirt (a la Jordan Knight in the "I'll Be Loving You Forever" video).  And if I had enough hair, I'd totally rock a 1992 Boys II Men fade!  (As opposed to the slightly-modified Brandon Walsh "James Dean" 'do I unfortunately attempted to rock from 1991 until 1999.)

Boys II Men.  A band that needs no introduction.  And that's a good thing because I don't think I ever knew any of their names anyway.

But I did have their first tape.  Cooleyhighharmony.  The name says it all, really.  

When asked what the band had been up to, lo, these many years, one nameless band member said matter-of-factly, "Well... growing into men, as the name would suggest."

He continued, saying the guys were glad to be back to being Boys II Men after a couple of failed name changes.  "Men Reliving Their Past just didn't work for us.  The only people who showed up at our concerts were forty-year-old guys in football and softball uniforms.  And they didn't know the words to any of our songs."

When asked about their touring partners, this nameless member was only complimentary.  "We are honored to be touring with five middle-aged white guys from Boston.  It's not every day we get a chance to tour with someone whose last #1 hit was longer ago than ours."

Speaking of those "kids" from Beantown, I don't think I have to tell you my feelings about NKOTB.  I mean, my Where Are They Now post may very well have been the impetus for their first reunion tour in 2008.  (Dear World, You're welcome.  Signed, Bone.)

Unable or willing to reach any of the New Kids for comment, we imagine Donnie Wahlberg might have said, "Well, you know, no one really has any idea what movies I've been in.  To be honest, I can't even remember them myself.  But when I tell people I'm Donnie D, well, first they look kinda confused.  But after a couple of minutes of gentle coercion, eventually they're like, 'Oh!  You're one of the New Kids who hardly ever sang lead!'  I mean, you can't put a price on that.  When I'm dead and gone, that's something I can put on my tombstone.  By the way, speaking of tombstones, I now have a tombstone engraving business on the side -- I call it, Donnie D's Famous Last Words -- and I CAN put a price on all your grave marker needs."

And then there's 98 Degrees.  

Look, I gotta be honest.  I always get them mixed up with N'Sync and Backstreet Boys.  

On SongPop, I mean.

When some girl I'm playing against picks the Boy Bands category, I mean...

I always questioned why they didn't just use the degree symbol in their name?  Did they not have character map back then?  98°.  How cool would that have been!  Heck, they'd probably still be popular if I'd been in charge of their logo.

So if you're like me and have no clue what 98 Degrees sang, well there's only one way to find out -- besides the internet.  And asking someone.  And that way is, going to see them in concert.

Actually, I was kinda hoping they'd be the opening act and I could skip their part of the show.  But now I'm thinking what if Nick Lachey is doing a meet-and-greet, I'll probably want to get there early to get a place in line.

This is just the kind of tour that keeps that tiny, glimmering shard of hope alive that somehow, someday, Wham! might slip on the ol' "Choose Life" t-shirts one more time.  (Andrew?  George?  Come on, guys, none of us are getting any younger.)

And without hope, life would be... well, I shudder to think.

(Disclaimer: All interviews in the preceding post are fake.  The interviewees are real, in that they are real people.  But they are not real, in that they were not really interviewed by the real interviewer, who is me.  Those who were fake interviewed for this post did not necessarily say the quotes attributed to them, although that's not to say they couldn't have, had they actually been posed these very questions for real, which they were not.)

"Back in school we used to dream about this every day / Could it really happen / Or do dreams just fade away..."

Hermit, the blog

Saturday was the 5th Annual Festivus For The Rest Of Us at Bone's. This year's total of 15 Festivites surpassed by one the all-time high of 14, achieved in 2006 and previously considered untouchable. Not only that, we had almost as many females as males this year -- which we'd never even come close to before, it's like the three-minute mile -- with a 7:8 ratio. Let's face it, around here that's as good as it gets.

There seemed to be two main grievances against me this year. One was that I'm non-committal. ("Whenever I ask Bone if he wants to do something, he says 'I don't know, that's still three days away.'" Blah blah blah.) Well, duh. I believe I've already delved into that here, like three years ago. So try and keep up.

The other major grievance was that I can sometimes be anti-social. Actually, I believe "hermit" was the term that was used. Answer me this: What's wrong with hermit? Why is everyone so down on hermit? I mean, Herman's Hermits was one of the biggest-selling bands of the British Invasion. And what about the hermit crab? It is one of the most lovable, easy-to-care-for of all the pets. It just doesn't like to go out a lot.

There was one added feature to this year's Festivus. After we ate, aired grievances and watched the Festivus episode of Seinfeld, we played a game of Scene It Seinfeld. I think we all know whose team won.

A couple other thoughts on Festivus: I'm more impressed by "Silver Pole" with each passing year. When I composed it, I never dreamt it would someday be a centerpiece of the Festivus celebration. Now it's become like the hot girl you somehow scored a few dates with in eleventh grade. You have no idea how it happened and you know you could never attain such heights again, but it still feels good to say, "Yeah, I did that."

Also, when one endeavors to do a thing like host one's own annual Festivus party, one never knows if that thing will be a flop like The Chevy Chase Show or if it will be something that endures for many years and changes people's lives, like Farm Aid. Thus, I am continually surprised at its inexplicable success and thankful to all those who never let me get too high by constantly reminding me of all the ways I disappoint them year after year.

And while I think it may violate some Festivus by-law to mention Festivus and Christmas in the same post, I'm doing it anyway. Some Christmas gifts of interest this year included a houndstooth toboggan, the New Kids On The Block Christmas CD (I only had the cassette!), and tickets to the Trans-Siberian Orchestra concert in Birmingham this weekend. We're gonna party like we're back in the USSR!

I really only received one true head-scratcher this year:



Ah yes, it's a silver elephant ashtray... thingy. At least, it looked like a tiny ashtray. I was later told it was a spoon-holder that goes on the stove. (Oddly enough, I needed one of those.) I just can't imagine the thought process that occurs for someone to see this item and think, "Ooo, that'd be perfect for Bone!"

What's even better is that I have no idea where it came from because, you know, I've never seen anything like it in my entire life, so I can't take it back.

That's all from Hermit Central. I wish you a new year filled with good health and all the things that make you happy.

I, of course, have yet to make New Year's plans.

"Woke up this mornin' feelin' fine. There's somethin' special on my mind. Last night I met a new girl in the neighborhood. Whoa, yeah, somethin' tells me I'm into somethin' good..."

Four cardboard boxes

This weekend I embarked on a project I had been putting off for... let's see, I've lived here nearly four years, so... nearly four years: Cleaning out the office.

Wait, it gets even more exciting.

The office--AKA my spare bedroom--houses my workstation, two bookshelves containing among other things my Cheers trivia game, my old computer desk which has been turned into more shelf space, my old computer, some mostly unpacked luggage, an ironing board which is half covered with articles of clothing which I would estimate number around twenty mostly consisting of long-sleeved shirts still unironed from last winter, and last and most obstructively, four boxes that had been sitting along the north wall of the room since I moved in.

Trust me, it was messier than it sounds.

The centerpiece of this undertaking were the four boxes. Like a cardboard Stonehenge, they served as a constant reminder to all who entered--which was mostly just me--of my procrastination. This was not a task that I fancied (as evidenced by said procrastination).

And so with a modicum of determination, I opened the first box. And what to my wondering eyes should appear but a regular-sized sled and five well-kempt New Kids--on the cover of my New Kids On The Block Christmas cassette!


(Counter-clockwise from bottom: Joey, Danny, Donnie, Jordan, and Jon--he's a Sagittarius.)

I had been looking for this for years! And now the search for a working cassette player begins.

Well, things were really looking up. So after opening the case, browsing through some of the lyrics and singing a few bars of "This One's For The Children," I proceeded.

The first box contained the usual things you would expect to find in storage: books, TV Guides, an unopened envelope which when opened revealed a thank you card for a graduation gift I had given... in 1993.

Also included were several of my folders and notebooks from college. Inside those were literally hundreds of lyrics that I had scribbled down, notes that I had passed back and forth with a girl in Music Theory freshman year, and lists. Lots and lots of lists.

There was a list of the 42 most fun days in high school, a list of 29 apartment rules that I'm pretty sure I made well before I ever had an apartment, and a list of a thousand songs that I had made out when Little Joe bet me that I couldn't name a thousand songs. Won myself ten bucks. Not bad for nineteen pages, handwritten, front and back.

There was also a list of 75 qualities to look for in a girl. It began with the line, "The perfect girl to marry would be a girl who..." These ideal qualities included:

#3. likes the Naked Gun movies.
#8. has a good, nice plump but not too big butt.
#14. likes Married...With Children. (Clearly, a few of these are still applicable.)
#16. has heard of Tom T. Hall. (That always knocked a lot of girls out as I recall.)
#19. doesn't eat a lot.
#35. would rather watch an Alabama football game than have sex. (Well, that goes without saying.)
#44. doesn't call your car a grocery carrier. (A definite deal breaker.)
#46. always cuts the grass. (It's possible that I was watching too much Married... With Children at the time.)
#72. knows how to play rock, paper, scissors. (The foundation of any solid relationship.)
And #'s 10, 17, 25, 32, 42, 51, and 57: looks like Brandy. (I may have had a crush.)

You know, compared to this, I actually seem mature now. Me! I know, scary.

And then there was the top secret Top Fifty list, typed out and dated, 3/17/94. This was a list of the fifty hottest girls we knew, compiled by LJ, Ben, me and my ex-roommate late one night at a Motel 6. The rules were that at least two of the four of us had to have seen the girl, and at least one of us had to be able to talk to her. We stayed up until at least 2 or 3 AM finishing the list. I still remember us tossing a Nerf basketball and hitting Ben as he kept trying to fall asleep before the list was done. Afterward we swore each other to secrecy. So, I'm not even really supposed to be telling you any of this.

Wow, I feel like I just betrayed the divine secret of the ya-ya brotherhood, whatever that is.

There weren't too many noteworthy items in the rest of the boxes: three bicycle inner tubes for the bike I no longer have, at least five shirts and two pairs of pants I had received as gifts that still had the tags on them, and a Tupperware container of chocolate candy. Let me reiterate here. Four. Years.

Still, I pressed on, sifting through the pieces of my past, cringing at some items, laughing at others. And then it happened, I found the proverbial crown jewel of my excursion. Behold, the jam shorts I sewed in 8th grade in Home Ec:



I still remember going with Mom to pick out the fabric, which to this day is the only time I've ever been inside a fabric store. I remember realizing too late that I had sewn in the elastic waistband all twisted--which is probably a good thing because as a guy, you don't wanna be too good at Home Ec. And from the looks of the nearly worn-through seat area, I must have worn them a lot. Which could help explain my girlfriend drought which extended into 9th grade.

My office is much cleaner now, the four cardboard boxes having been condensed down to a single plastic tub. I threw a lot of stuff away this weekend, and will be taking some more to Goodwill. But on the bottom shelf of one of the bookshelves is a shoebox with a couple of folders in it.

"Remember when we said, girl, please don't go, and how I'd be loving you forever? Taught you 'bout hangin' tough, as long as you got the right stuff..."

There's nothing to see here

Believe it or not, I started out this year making sort of a silent resolution to myself to try and write at least twenty minutes a day. Oh, the irony. Instead, I've gone in the exact opposite direction and have written much less.

Lately, I feel a bit like Lieutenant Frank Drebin in the Naked Gun movies--which by the way are some of the great comedic moments in movie history--standing there saying, "Move along. There's nothing to see here." All the while, things are exploding and catching fire behind him.

Plenty has been happening in my life. Probably moreso than anytime in the past few years. Last weekend was Decoration Day. Two weekends ago I ran a 10K. I did a Nielsen Diary again this spring. In one particular eight day stretch, I played golf four times. Sonny signed over the "business" to Jason. Yet none of it seems quite blogworthy anymore. Well, except for the Sonny and Jason thing. Can you believe it!?

Most of these are things I've blogged about in the past. Maybe that's the problem. I have written about all these things before, so now it seems repetitive to do so, and difficult to come up with something new to say.

Or maybe it's something else. Maybe I'm putting too much pressure on myself. Maybe anything and everything is blogworthy. Maybe I waste too much time trying to figure out how they can bring Jonathan Jackson back as Lucky.

As I write this, I realize that I am very much an annual creature, like the groundhog. As opposed to a perennial, like say, the begonia. Year after year, I do many of the same things. Winter blahs, beach fever, 10K race, beach trip, Bama season tickets, holidays. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Not that I'm complaining at all. That's not a bad year. I'm just trying to figure things out. And now that I've compared my life to Frank Drebin, a rodent, and a bottle of Prell, I think I'll stop.

Besides, we need to talk about this. I think I'm a little excited, even though it makes my Where Are They Now post outdated, if not altogether obsolete. I may go out and buy a Batman t-shirt.

"Remember when we said, girl, please dont go. And how Id be loving you forever. Taught you 'bout hangin' tough, as long as you got the right stuff..."

A 3 minute tour & Nan shuffles for you

This is National Delurking Week, I've learned from a couple of other blogs. Most every blog has its lurkers, those who read but rarely if ever comment. Well, this is your week to be seen, or read.

I chose this nice button from the National Delurking Week website, because, well I think it's fairly obvious...



With not much going on mid-week, I thought I'd do a little tour around the blogosphere. I got this idea from Sage a few weeks ago. The same Sage who has been invited to join an elite group for just a nominal fee. I guess I'll have to settle for continuing to receive mailouts offering me a Rascal that may be completely covered by Medicare.

Pia, my unwitting mentor, displays an outstanding talent for fiction writing each week on the 3WW.

Elsewhere, Buffy had sort of an open blog confessional recently, which turned into quite a success. Traveling Chica caught up with an old (guy) friend from high school over the holidays. And Blondie has been having strange dreams again. (Which I promptly interpreted for her.)

Renee is doing another meme. And may or may not be regifting a label maker. Ms. Sizzle posted snow pics, which you probably know I love. And Lass has been receiving love letters from someone who isn't her husband.

Last but not least, please stop by and send prayers, thoughts, and good wishes to Miss Shayna, who is expecting a baby boy.

Finally, I've asked 'Nan to participate in today's blog entry. I thought this would really explain a lot about her, about myself, and about our relationship. She's going to pick ten random songs that she knows I like. And I'll add my comments below each. (She loves it when I push her buttons. She always responds.)

Here we go...
1. The Boys of Summer - Don Henley
This song always makes me miss the beach. And may or may not make me think of a girl.

2. Little Miss Can't Be Wrong - Spin Doctors
It's probably best none of you have ever caught me in my car singing along to this one. Yep, probably best.

3. I Just Can't Stop Loving You - Michael Jackson and that girl no one had ever heard of, before or since
Oh, shut it! I'm sure if you were all subjected to random iPod confiscations, there would be some very interesting things on yours as well. Maybe even some king of pop. Or NKOTB.

4. R.O.C.K. In The USA - John Cougar
Entertaining and educational. Spelling was only ever more fun with the Village People. And maybe the Wiggles.

5. Semi-Charmed Life - Third Eye Blind
Doing crystal meth will lift you up until you break... You can say that again. What?

6. You Had Me From Hello - Kenny Chesney
Reciting this line in combination with copious amounts of alcohol may or may not convince Renee Zellweger to marry you.

7. The Day That She Left Tulsa - Wade Hayes
I had a dream the other night which included Nick Saban and Wade Hayes. And I scored a touchdown.

8. Hard Habit To Break - Chicago
Because all girls like to be referred to as habits. Am I right ladies... Ladies?

9. My Baby No Esta Aqui - Garth
She left me here with nada, broke my heart like a pinata... 'Nuff said. Instant classic.

10. I Want You Back - J-5
Odd that neither Tim McGraw nor Matchbox Twenty made the list. Since I have 53 of one and 27 of the other on here.

"I can see you, your brown skin shining in the sun. I see you walking real slow, and you're smiling at everyone..."

Where Are They Now: NKOTB

They stole our hearts... well, your hearts... with a string of timeless, sugary, teeny-bopper hits like The Right Stuff, I'll Be Loving You Forever, and Step By Step. They played to sell out audiences and sold millions of records. They were the New Kids On The Block.

But as the 80s gave way to the 90s, the music of the 80s was replaced by alternative music, hardcore dance, and bands from Seattle. Their legions of fans got out of junior high and began driving, and the New Kids popularity began to subside.

The New Kids tried changing to a new, tougher image. And even changed their name, to NKOTB, in 1993. Anytime a band changes its name, you know the end is near. (Well, except for Jefferson Airplane/Starship/Jefferson Starship/Space Shuttle Jefferson. But that's just good music.)

But the end had been a long time coming. The first time I heard Step By Step, and it got to "step four" in the bridge near the end of the song, and I realized Joey's voice had changed. I knew. It was over. It was just a matter of time.

So the New Kids broke up in 1994. Each of the five members left to pick up the pieces of their life. Their fall having been almost as swift as their meteoric rise. Which begs the question, where are they now?

Jordan Knight has been one of the most visible members of the band. If only because of his appearance alongside Brigette Nielsen, Dave Coulier, Flava Flav, and Charro, on season three of The Surreal Life, the show for ex-celebrities who have no place left to go.

Knight has released at least four solo albums. And he's been the one member who hasn't run from his status as an ex-New Kid. Even embracing it at times. To wit, he released an album of remixes in 2004, ten years after the New Kids broke up, imaginatively titled Jordan Knight Performs New Kids On The Block. Which would be somewhat akin to Ian Ziering going on tour performing his favorite Beverly Hills 90210 scenes.

Puberty hits us all at different times and in different ways. But it must have been particularly difficult for Joey McIntyre. Thanks to unfortunate timing, the youngest New Kid has his awkward voice change burned onto disc for all of posterity. His "I can give you more" line on Step By Step might be one of the five worst recorded vocals in music history.

McIntyre appeared for a season on Boston Public, acted in an off-Broadway play, and in 2005, he blew our minds again, finishing third on Dancing With The Stars. He's also recorded a handful of solo albums, and scored a top ten single with Stay The Same in 1999. But nothing will ever come close to his wistful, pre-pubescent crooning on Please Don't Go Girl. That, my friends, was magic.

Donnie Wahlberg was the first member of the group chosen during a talent search in the Boston area in the mid-1980's. After the group broke up, Wahlberg first worked on writing and producing music for his younger brother, Mark. Then both brothers ventured into acting. I always get which movies which brother was in confused. So, why even try.

All you need to know is that Donnie was supposed to star in a new drama on the CW network, called Runaway. The show was dropped after just three episodes due to low ratings. (Come on, CW. How could you be booing it, with Donnie D doing it?) Hey, look at it this way, there's nowhere to go but up from here. And if I know Donnie... and I don't, at all... you can bet he'll keep hangin' tough.

Jonathan Knight was the oldest New Kid. A Sagittarius. He's the only member who has stayed away from the music business entirely since the group split. Jonathan, who suffers from panic attacks, left the 1994 NKOTB tour early, and shortly thereafter the remaining four members cancelled the rest of the tour. According to VH-1, Jonathan currently, and I quote, "rocks the real estate market." Rock on.

Not a lot of information is available on Danny Wood (aka The Body, or Danny D). One rumor had him in the witness protection program, living in rural Nebraska, and going by the name Wuzzantever A. Newkid.

So there you have it, fans. Five individuals. Brought together by the right circumstances at the right time. A perfect storm, if you will. (Which, by the way, was a movie that starred either Donnie or Mark Wahlberg. But again, who the hell knows.) This post would have been better had I been a bigger New Kids fan. Or, more accurately, had I been able to find my cassette of their first album.

And now, we close with Bone's Ten Fave New Kids On The Block songs:

10. I'll Be Missin' You Come Christmas (A Letter To Santa)
9. Tonight
8. Hangin' Tough
7. Popsicle
6. I'll Be Loving You (Forever)
5. This One's For The Children
4. You Got It (The Right Stuff)
3. Didn't I (Blow Your Mind This Time)
2. Step By Step
1. Please Don't Go Girl

I hope you've enjoyed eighties week here on IYROOBTY as much as I have. As my most recent hit from a google search was for "jane wiedlin dominatrix," I think we can say without question it has been a success. And from Jordan, Jon, Joey, Donnie, Danny, and me... or, just me... have a funky, funky Christmas, and a happy New Year.

"We ain't gonna give anybody any slack. And if you try to keep us down we're gonna come right back. And you know we're hangin' tough..."