Thursday, August 17, 2006

The horseshoe effect

From the mind that brought you infotaining posts about proper restroom etiquette, theater buffer zone rules, and proper handwashing technique, comes a much needed discourse on a subject all too often swept under the "rug" in America today...

Lately, I've become more aware of a disturbing trend amongst my fellow Y-chromosome carriers. A growing problem, if you will. And that is what I'm here to talk about today. To put forth my thoughts on the subject, ask for your opinions and input, and perhaps even get some hair-raising discussion going.

I understand losing one's hair. It happens. I'll be the first to admit that my hair is thinner today than it was a year ago. Some things you can't control. Where will it stop? Who knows. One thing I do know is that I will never get to this point.

Ah yes, the classic horseshoe pattern. Why do some men choose to cling to a few seedlings around the perimeter of the cranium? I got news for you. It's not coming back. And if by some miracle of modern science they do find a way to bring it back, I'm sure they'll be able to regrow the sides and the back as well as the top.

And what's the deal with the island? I'm sure you've all seen this follicular tragedy. The hair has drastically receded on all sides, but one small tuft remains front and center, completely surrounded by skin. What is up with that? Makes me want to plant a palm tree up there. Islands belong in the ocean, not on your head.

In any battle, and the fight against hair loss is no different, one must have a clear and definite exit strategy. So I say, once your troops retreat beyond a certain point, withdraw them all. Shave it. Completely. A horseshoe is an equine accessory, not a hairstyle.

In an unscientific survey I conducted recently, three out of three females preferred completely shaven, aka the bowling ball look, to the horseshoe pattern. That's like a hundred percent, guys.

Ladies, what do you think? Because as I've stated in a previous entry, why do guys do anything that we do? For women. No man would voluntarily choose to wear something like this on his own. You want to see how men would behave and dress if there were no women in the world, go to a prison sometime.

So why the horseshoe? Who ever thought this was a good look? My theory is, the horseshoe was popular back in the 1920's, a time when all men wore hats. As George Costanza said, it was a bald paradise. For a man wearing a hat, with hair on the back and sides, it would be virtually impossible to tell if he was balding or not.

That would be one of the only reasons I can think of for keeping these sad, unattractive remains atop one's noggin. The other being if, for some reason that is far beyond my comprehension, one was trying to grow enough hair to facilitate the dreaded combover.

Is there anything worse than the combover? Do they think we won't know? The only person who could possibly get away with this is The Donald himself. But when you have as much money as he does, you can wear a rooster on your head if you like.

Otherwise, the combover is inexcusable. And the horseshoe isn't much better. Think about it. Among famous people, who is the horseshoe really a good look for? Gallagher maybe? Or that guy from NYPD Blue?

In conclusion, if you've lost the majority of your hair, and you don't have a billion dollars, or have never partnered with Ricky Schroder on a stake out, then shave the rest. That is, unless the majority of the women reading this disagree.

In that case, do whatever they say.

"I was thinking I was angry but I let it go. I was waiting on a miracle but nothing showed..."


  1. Make that 4 out of 4. I mean, I'd prefer a full head of hair, but instead of the last ditch attempts, shave it, seriously. And no rugs or implants either, please. :)

  2. Sir Bone of Bama, you've hit the nail on the head. About three years ago I gave up trying to keep my sides and back even with the meager amount on top. Now I shave my head about once every two weeks.

    My name is The Big Man, and I approve of this post. :)

  3. My brothers and father shaved their heads the second that it started to go. I do not come from a family of horseshoers and would be ashamed if that were the case, because frankly, I don't get it either.

    P.S. Bone, you're fucking fantastic

  4. Shave it!! Bald men are sexy! ;)

  5. I agree, once it starts to go....shave it!

  6. Carmen: Thanks for your input. The Cavalier fan says shave it!

    Big Man: Very good. Our first testimonial. I feel like we're getting a real roundtable discussion going here. Like I'm in Algonqua or something :)

    Heather B: They are to be applauded.

    And may I use your ringing endorsement on the jacket of my first book? ;-)

    BeadingGal: A vociferous vote for the completely shorn look.

    RedNeckGirl: Thanks. And thusfar, it's still unanimous.

  7. Speaking as the wife of a man sporting the "bowling ball look," I absolutely LOVE the feel of his freshly shaved head. It's addictive! Remember that guys, women will want to touch your bald head! Shave it off- for us women of course! (Not for the attention you'll be getting from countless women you encounter ;o)

  8. One of the reasons Nick went to go get his angioma removed was so that he could shave his head once it started to retreat. He just shaved prematurely. Oh sure, he was starting to get a little bit of rear-movement right at the temples, but it wasn't necessary to go bare-roof at this point. All I can think about is "it'll grow back". He does look kinda sexy though.

  9. Yes, shave it. Unless you have ears that stick out like Frodo, then I might encourage either a hat or plugs or something.

    BH has a lake(as opposed to an island) in the middle of the back of his head. (thick and bushy except for a small bald spot on the crown). I don't even really notice it, but I would have a problem if he started going around looking like Ed Rooney.

  10. LOL... have to say that was a great funny post... I prefer that one shaves their head... I hate comb overs... even on The Donald!

    The only thing is... wonder if the man has a diformed head... I mean not perfectly round... maybe a little bumpy... then would a completely bald head look right? Just wondering! :)

  11. SHAVE IT!



    (And shave down below, too.... just a side note.)

  12. Did I mention that I have a comment contest going on at my place. 20 comments, and I post a picture of me in my first singing role?

  13. Yes, bald is better than the horseshoe or combover. I used to work with a guy who had a combover and he said his barber refused to cut it off even though he asked for it...he was going for the horseshoe.

    Maybe there are some guys who look okay with the horseshoe...maybe... somewhere... in space or something???

  14. GroovieChick: I can see that. Women always wanting to feel your head. Hmm...

    Lass: I've often thought about shaving mine, just to see what it looks like. Haven't had the guts yet though.

    Dorothy: Ah, the lake. I forgot about that one. I guess it's fine, as long as it's a small one. There is an imaginary line. And once the recession advances beyond that boundary, it's time to act.

    Shayna: You bring up a good point. The lumpy head. Hmm... I'll have to do more research on that scenario.

    Blondie: Ah, Blondie. Only you...

    Renee: No, actually, every movie I've seen with aliens or people from the future, they usually don't have any hair. Completely shaven.

  15. I've often thought about shaving my head. Can you imagine that? LOL WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

    In unrelated news, I was thinking today, once I get the billiards and darts room all furnished, we can play in relative peace and quiet and not have to worry about smokers or people who drink alcohol. LOL

    Besides, I always hated going out and having to contend with all those bad players who always tried to challenge us at matches.

    The weekend is almost here! If it's nice we should to tennis tomorrow.

    Peace out.

  16. I happen to think men sans hair are pretty darned sexy. I would like to present exhibits A, B, C and D: James Taylor, Ed Harris, Vince Vaughn and Bruce Willis. DEAR GAWD! These men are to die for!! I think men are still under the illusion that women will not find them attractive if there isn't hair. That's just simply not true! I'd much rather date a man that has shaved his head or succombed to the fact that their hair is gone instead of doing "The Donald" or a comb over as an illusion of them having hair. Bald is hot...!!!

  17. Uh,'re forgetting Ed Norton in American History X. Quite possibly the sexiest a man has ever been. Even with the bad tattoo on his chest. DAYUM!

  18. the only reason the donald gets away with it is because he is filthy rich. he still looks gross. my dad had a combover- talk about a process! he spent more time grooming his hair than my mom did. :) i am a fan of the shaved head.

  19. We're planning a party at fefyfomanna Need your ideas.

  20. Kyle: I'll do it if you will! Come on. Just for the rest of the summer. It'll grow back.

    Carnealian: Bald is hot! You heard it here first. Bruce Willis is... well, I was gonna say da man, but no one says that anymore do they? I like him a lot.

    Lass: Uh.. hmm... well.. I'll let Carn respond to that comment.

    Ms. Sizzle: I never thought about that. I guess the combover could be quite a chore to manage.

    Renee: Are you calling it the Reneenium? I think you can still book Christopher Cross, if you call this week.

  21. Nope, no Reneenium. How about Fefyfomania? hee hee

    I updated my party post.

  22. The first time I saw my cousin, at our famed family reunion in a deli, after he shaved his head I was shocked.

    He's my baby cousin and the sweetest, most wonderful guy in NY. and I wasn't ready for how sexy he looked as he will always be two or thirteen to me

    Then I got used to it :-) It's a great look, but I still look for the earring and tatoo--always forget what ear stands for what

    The combover reminds me of perverts in the old Times Square coming out of porn theaters hoping to get lucky with a cheap whore

    Something entirely different. thank you for the nicest comment I ever got. I will treasure it---Courting does also. Though we're still working through our differences

    She likes being center stage and I like the background. Can't believe that this is a serious comment and an even more serious problem

  23. Ummmm..... excuse me...... Please don't encourage my boyfriend to shave his head. Besides, if he shaves his head, I am cutting my hair really short! HA!

  24. Oh come on Bone! It won't affect your manhood!

  25. Renee: No, that won't work. Maybe, fefyfonium.

    Pia: Yes, you're right on with the combover/pervert comment. I agree.

    And you're. I can come up with decent comments occasionally. Once I have time to think about them :)

    Jawana: Oh, it'll be fine. He'll probably lose it one day anyway. This will just be a preview for you. lol

    Lass: Well, I never saw that movie anyway. No further questions :)

  26. Hehe. My hubby is a balding man, but he's got a big head...a head that would not look good completely bald. So I would say to use caution in your judgement when thinking about shaving your head, cuz you've got to have the right noggin for it. But I agree, the cueball look is sexy.

    And OMG, I HATE the combover. The mayor of my city does the combover and it looks sooo bad. Like, someone needs to tell him to just accept that fact that he's mostly bald. And Donald? That's a bad look for him. I don't care how much money he just looks bad.

  27. oaRenee: No. Like Kramanium. And Newmanium.

    Chickadee: I can understand that. Some exceptions must be made for odd-shaped heads and heads with a lot of lumps and bumps and such.

    The combover is the worst. I agree. It's not like we all can't tell. Give it up already.

  28. Can we have an AMEN here? Horseshoes=old guys. Shaved=sexy :)