Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Where have you gone to, Jimmy Wales?

The internet died today.  Well, dead to me anyway.

Wikipedia, yon bastion of free knowledge, shut its virtual doors today.  For 24 hours.  That may not sound like much to you.  But to me, it's eighty-six thousand, four hundred elongated seconds of nothingness.  Outer darkness, where there is weeping and gnashing of teeth. 

Wikipedia has become my source for all knowledge of all things.  Written by people who I like to imagine might have even less of a life than me.  (Sure, it's possible there might be an occasional error.  But that's why there's Snopes.) 

And now?  It's gone.  I knew something like this was gonna happen after Steve Jobs died!

But even I never realized how deeply this would affect me.  That is, until I found myself twenty minutes into an episode of Sesame Street this morning, giving a running commentary on Gmail.

Some excerpts:

"Sarah Jessica Parker is on Sesame Street?  I never really think of her as kid-friendly."

"Now there are salt and pepper shakers on there.  One of them has a moustache, and just put on a pink skirt!  WTF!  The volume is down so I'm not sure if they're trying to say it's OK for men to cross-dress, or if they're trying to hint that women may sometimes need to remember to shave their upper lip area.  Probably the latter."

"If they're still filming new episodes, why do the kids look like they're wearing the same outfits they wore when I watched in the seventies?"

"They are shoving Elmo down our throats!  He's had like six scenes and I haven't seen Big Bird once.  Not to mention Grover.  Grover always gets the shaft.  He must not be in the union."

"I mean, what does Elmo even do?  He's not big and dorky.  He doesn't have an accent.  He doesn't have a male roommate.  He's not grumpy.  He's just... red."

"Oh, apparently there's another red one.  Who knew!  I was confusing Elmo part of the time with someone named Murray Monster?  My apologies to Elmo nation."

My top five Sesame Street characters:
1. Ernie
2. Grover
3. Cookie Monster (although admittedly he is a bit of a one-trick pony.)
4. The Count
5. Bert
(tie) Guy Smiley

I need help.  Look at what I've become after only a few hours with no Wiki.  The Earth cannot revolute fast enough for me today.  Wikipedia, please come back.  SOPA, PIPA, whatever it is, I'm sure we can work this out.  Make a personal appeal.  I'll donate! 

And please hurry.  For crying out loud, I just Asked Jeeves!

"Sunny days, sweeping the clouds away.  On my way to where the air is sweet..."