Monday, August 30, 2010

Angel Soft is NOT

I was all set to begin a new feature here on IYROOBTY, Public Restroom Reviews. (I'm sure you're looking forward to that.) But that will have to be put on hold for the time being due to a more pressing issue.

Recently, I was in the grocery store and among my items to pick up was toilet paper. My normal choice is Scott Extra Soft or Cottonelle. But lately my local store only sells Cottonelle in the 12-roll Jumbo size, or what I like to call the bad-Chinese-food pack. I refuse to buy anything bigger than the 4-roll size, or what I like to call the bachelor pack. On this particular day they were out of Scott Extra Soft, so my choices were Angel Soft, Quilted Northern or Charmin Ultra Soft.

I'm not sure what happened, but you know the little guy inside your head that keeps you from saying and doing stupid things? Well mine must've taken a few seconds off -- maybe he was gawking at the cute cashier or something, I don't know -- because in that instant, I violated one of the cardinal rules of life: Never go cheap when it comes to toilet paper, tattoos, and hookers. (Not that I have any experience at all with the latter two.)

In my inexplicable moment of poor judgment, I decided upon the least expensive of the three options, which was Angel Soft. What can I say, they lured me in with that picture of a soft baby and fluffy clouds. I mean, how bad could it be?

Well, I don't think I am capable of answering that question without cursing, so we'll just move along.

I got one-and-a-half rolls into that four-pack and had to go back and buy another brand -- the toilet paper equivalent of walking out of a movie early. So if I appear a bit bow-legged, please understand.

After investigating a bit further, I found out Angel Soft is manufactured by Georgia-Pacific. Isn't that a railroad? No wonder! Might as well buy toilet paper made by Stihl. And I don't see the soft-baby-fluffy-white-cloud connection at all! Maybe you'll cry like a baby when you use it?

For now, I'm on the Charmin Ultra Soft train. That's the package with the momma bear and baby bear, if you're curious. And as their slogan says, "Using less never felt so good."

In the end I'm left with a valuable, if painful, lesson relearned; two full rolls of the Angel Soft; and even more proof of what a sensitive guy I truly am.

"Please don't squeeze my Sharmon. Don't hold her so tight. You'd best heed my warnin', it's the last one tonight..."

19 comments:

  1. well I guess if you're used to super fluffy tp then Angel Soft isn't good enough. We're used to Angel Soft so when I go somewhere with the fluffy stuff I feel out of sorts.
    and hey you could have been stuck with industrial strength tp with no tear lines!

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  2. Angel Soft only claims to be a balance of softness and strength, not soft like Cottonelle or anything else. (it's entirely possible that I watch too much tv.)

    I don't understand why you wouldn't buy the larger sized pack. It's not like toilet paper goes bad. And that way, you don't have to buy it for a while.

    I love that you have a whole post devoted to toilet paper though.

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  3. Much like you have suggested that people print out your restroom etiquette post, I would like to offer the suggestion you print this out and carry it with you, for those times that your "little guy" is too busy staring at cute girls.

    I can never overestimate the importance of good TP.

    Cottonelle is my favorite. Those are some smart puppies, lemme tell you! No Cottonelle, I'll head to the Charmin. Those bears are pretty smart, too.

    I also buy in bulk. I buy the jumbo package - it's probably the really-bad-Chinese-food pack (that line had me rolling laughing, by the way) - because it saves money, and nothing's worse than running out of TB. (Nothing.)

    PS: My word verification is "icangoto."

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  4. Two things. First, I was like you until I got married and evidently lost all sense of pride. Now I buy the jumbo 24 packs and most times two at a time. That way I'm good to go for awhile. Second, Angle Soft is also known as John Wayne toilet paper. It is rough and tough and doesn't take shit from anybody!

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  5. Charmin--don't you have storage near your washer/dryer or somewhere?
    I'm all about buying in bulk because I had no room
    Of course buying 16 cans of tuna at a time means I'll probably be brain dead in a year or already am and don't know it

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  6. When I read the title, I was pretty sure that Angel Soft was probably going to be ice cream. I didn't really get over that...

    When I was at school, the toilet paper was single sheets of what can only be described as shiny tracing paper. In fact we used to use it as tracing paper sometimes and the pencil would slip on the shiny side. So you can imagine what it was like as toilet paper.

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  7. Renee - Yeah, I guess we all have different, um, requirements. OK, so if I ever visit Renee's, I'll have to remember it's BYOTP :)

    Xinh - Yes, it says "the ideal combination of strength and softness" on the package. I noticed that after the fact. Too much strength, not enough softness for me though.

    Everything just always seems to come back to the toilet for me.

    TC - Oh, I forgot you'd posted about TP, TC.

    Yes, in my experience, friendly bears always trump baby and clouds :)

    PS: I have word verification turned on?

    Ed - Well, that would also explain why I was walking around like a cowboy for three days.

    Pia - I'm not sure why I can't buy in bulk. Maybe it's my only-buy-what-I-can-carry/no-buggy method of shopping that precludes me.

    J Adamthwaite - When I read the title, I was pretty sure that Angel Soft was probably going to be ice cream.

    Oh, how disappointed you must have been :)

    I think we had the same quality toilet paper at our school.

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  8. i'm a charmin ultra soft kinda gal myself. and i buy the bulk packaging so it will last longer. have a great day.

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  9. Yeah cant relate, because of our old plumbing, we have to buy one ply or it stops up the toilet.

    It royaly SUCKS! ASS

    So I just have to over compensate by using lots of lube.

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  10. When it comes to the adverts, I'm a sucker for those little retriever puppies! Cottonelle. I've never really noticed the difference, to tell you the absolute honest truth.

    And by the way, I've always thought that Mom and I should travel the world and write a travel book, especially for women, about where all the best restrooms are.

    Funny post:)

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  11. With a name like that, who can blame. One good advice from an Eastern friend: Using water never fails. It will never hurt you..well..you know where...

    :D

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  12. Cottonelle here. They have tw type though it has to be the green ...

    I store a lot of TP, buying it at Safeway whenever it is on sale.

    It is fitting that you are TP particular.

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  13. Okay Bone, 'fess up, in whose front yard trees did the remaining 2 1/2 rolls of Angel Soft land?

    Funny post, and no, Georgia Pacific isn't a railroad (I know about railroads), they are a big timber outfit with paper mills and saw mills.

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  14. All I know about toilet paper is it should be soft and also not leave bits behind... that's all I am saying.

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  15. I tried Charmin Ultra Strong a few toilet paper packs ago. It was so thick, I was thrown off every time I touched it. I went back to Quilted Northern but not until I finished the 8 pack.

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  16. I'm a Cottonelle girl. One, I like the big packs they sale because I hate buying TP. Two, there are TONS of coupons for this stuff. Third, it's soft.

    Bone, this was a very humorous, yet informative post. :)

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  17. hummmm definitely not table talk! lmao (and ohh what a mental image I have now!!! yikes!!)

    Life does present its lessons at interesting times doesnt it!!?!?!? hehehe

    Funny, I want to share more details of my preferences etc but I am sitting here wondering if its the prudent choice? lol A. If I ever run for president it may be blackmail material, and B. Someone may read this and buy up all of myyyyy favorite product! lol

    Ok truth be told, I am a non discriminating TP user. I go for thin less drain clogging options as plunging is not a preferred exercise! :/

    Have a great week! Is it feeling like fall there yet?

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  18. Oh how I laughed. Been there done that. From what is gathered from Sage's comment, they just cut it and put it in the stores. haha! Great post.

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  19. Charmin Basic I can handle...that smart option crap my husband purchased a week ago??? No. School tp is better, YIKES!

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