Monday, March 23, 2009

The reason for Febrezin'

A funny thing happened on the way to playing golf with the boys this weekend. We met at LJ's and as we were getting ready to leave LJ discovered he had locked his keys in the house.

Fortunately, he has a spare key hidden. Unfortunately, the spare key was hidden in the garage. Even more unfortunately, the garage was locked. Fortunately, it's not the best area--LJ's actually had a few things stolen there before--so none of the neighbors thought anything of seeing three guys prying open a garage door in broad daylight.

Golf was good. We went to Valley Landing. I shot a 101 and got a little bit sunburned. In March! I actually sort of like the first sunburn of the year. It's invigorating. Just another little reminder that summer is on the way and the seasons will be following their usual pattern just as they have since the last ice age. It's comforting. Well, besides the pain and burning when I shower.

After golf, we decided to hang out at LJ's and watch some of the NCAA tournament. I don't think I'd even sat down yet when I noticed it.

"Did you vacuum?"


Well that can only mean one thing, my friends: He's having a girl over.

We bachelors sometimes have a tendency to let things go a little around the house. Laundry piles up. The kitchen table becomes a collection area for junk mail and last year's Christmas presents. With our busy golf-a-day lives, menial tasks like dusting, vacuuming, and putting a trash bag in the trash can sometimes get put on the backburner.

But as soon as there is the impending presence of a female on the premises, we all turn into tub scrubbing carpet cleaners.

To my knowledge, LJ hasn't dated much recently. We're not talking in terms of months or years here. We're talking Presidential administrations. So I could not say with 100% certainty that he had ever cleaned his house since he moved in a few years ago. I guess that's why the clean carpet stood out to me almost immediately.

The Darryls went to a speed dating thing a few weeks ago, which is where LJ met this girl. (Girl, woman, which is it? At what point does a girl become a woman? Nevermind, don't answer that.)

So, it appears the latex glove is on the other foot, er, hand now. On the plus side, I'm looking forward to a much cleaner, more fastidious environment for our future GH roundtable discussions.

Kidding around, sort of, I told LJ we were going to have to live vicariously through him now that he has a girlfriend. He remarked what a change that was as they were usually the ones living vicariously through me. At which point I remarked about how very sad that was and spent awhile contemplating my life and wondering where it all went wrong.

While we were shooting pool, LJ's woman called. (See? Now I'm calling her woman. I don't get it.) After trying a couple of shots with the phone wedged between his ear and shoulder, he put the phone down on the table without saying a word and shot while she yammered on. Wolfgang and I were literally in the floor laughing.

Then I suddenly remembered having done that very same thing before. At the very same table.

Of course, that occurred during a previous administration.

"Now I'm holding umbrellas and openin' up doors. I'm taking out the trash and I'm sweepin' my floors..."


  1. It's good to know that even if he does have a woman (albeit early in the relationship), you guys are still important. I hate it when guys (and girls) ditch their friends to constantly hang out with the significant other.

    I've never golfed but I enjoy the driving range...that is, until my forearms start hurting which is usually halfway through the bucket o'balls. Is that good?

  2. one of my single guy friends had magazines for carpet. I never wanted to rush into his place like cramer did at jerry's b/c I knew one wrong move walking across the magazines could be fatal. Or would make you look like Cramer rushing into Jerry's and abruptly stoping to keep from magazine skiing. and yes,having a girl over was always obvious...but of course friends don't get that treatment.

  3. presidential admins is a great line

    Very funny. Good to know you and LJ and I guess many males turn into tub scrubbing carpet cleaners--there's something about that phrase that's catchy

  4. More than once when in college, I would forget my keys only to have a roomate remember to lock the door. Fortunately by rolling a nearby dumpster and using strategically placed electrical boxes, I could enter my second story apartment through a window.

    Funny as I'm writing this that I never worried about somebody else breaking into my apartment. I guess the more I think about it, what would anyone want to steal from three poor college students? My cinderblock and board TV stand?

  5. I have to agree with Murf. It's great that you all have one another's friendship, regardless of dating or having a significant other.

    As for when a girl becomes a woman, I think I smell a blog post in my future as so much jumped to the front of my mind when you posed that question...

  6. so you haven't cleaned your place since the last administration?!?!?! hummm I think your germaphobe tendances might contradict that, unless your own germs are okay.
    Let's just hope the new girl doesn't have big hands, talks normally and doesn't run around the apt naked all the time opening pickles with her legs. ;)
    Perhaps LJ should invest in one of those garage door keypads so you don't have to risk breaking and entering to get back into his place again.

  7. I think I am gonna write poetry out of this post. It inspired me somehow!


  8. Murf - Well, fortunately, right now she has to work two nights a week :)

    Personally, my hands usually blister before my arm gets sore.

    Daily Panic - I think it's always good to keep a clear path so that you don't trip if you get up in the night.

    Yes, we get to see the filth. I guess that's one of the things that qualifies us as friends.

    Pia - Thanks. I thought it had sort of a Scrubbing Bubbles commercial feel to it.

    Ed Abbey - Haha. There is definitely something to be said for being unrobbable. Although if you'd had a milk crate coffee table in there, it might have been a different story.

    Marina - Definitely better for you than me to attempt to answer that question :)

    Renee - Yeah, I can't stand to let things go too long before I have to clean. I guess my germophobia contradicts with my bachelorness in that sense.

    Yes, man hands are not good. Also, I told him to be sure he gets a look in that medicine cabinet to make sure there's no fungicide in there. And what if she's Latvian Orthodox? I think he'd convert!

    Gautami - Well, that's cool. Can't wait to read what you come up with :)

  9. (Girl, woman, which is it? At what point does a girl become a woman? Nevermind, don't answer that.)

    Actually... if you ever come up with an answer, please let me know. I still interchange them all the time AND have no idea what the correct one is. I'd guess by all the pimple-faced teens that now refer to me as ma'am, it's probably woman, but that's just another one of those things that feels weird... not to mention OLD.

    The three of you sound like trouble when you're all together :) I can just imagine what kinds of stuff you could get into if you set your mind to it... it could be bad ;)

    Someday, like after they've been dating a year or so, you should show LJ's new woman this post. Just to make sure she really appreciates what he did for her.

  10. Very funny post--I'm with Pia, I love keeping time via presidents (I just wish some administrations went faster). I know from personal experience that a few woman will clean up their abode when a guy is coming to town!

  11. A sunburn, huh? Rub it in!
    I enjoyed the fortunately-unfortunately scenario:)
    I hate vacuuming HATE it, I tell you. But I finally did it today, gotta pull my weight around here.

  12. I'm glad that you didn't use the term 'gal'. I hate that one. It's second on my list of all-time hated words.

  13. (Girl, woman, which is it? At what point does a girl become a woman? Nevermind, don't answer that.)

    I know I'm supposed to be neverminding, but really, I'd love to know the answer to that. Clearly at some point a woman does stop being a girl... but when? It certainly isn't when she actually becomes a woman... maybe I'll look into that...

    I think I'd be much tidier if I was single (but maybe that's more to do with who I live with than who I am!)... I don't want to think it's because I'm a girl/woman though. Certainly my other half is much more anal about cleaning than I am - not in the sense that he does a lot of it, and he is naturally untidy - but it does take him two hours to clean the bathroom, which I'm not sure is natural by anyone's standards!

  14. Hysterical post. Gosh you make me laugh.

    I was thinking, as I read your post, that you are a girl in a guys body... noticing that he vacuumed and all!!! lol Ok perhaps that wasnt the PC way to say it... I meant that you were in touch with you famine side! *wink

    I think you used the term 'girl' to be descriptive with regard to your friends significant other and woman to be possessive...interesting! I tend to use 'gals' when in doubt. Its inocuous enough.

    Did you ever play your next hand at that game?

  15. Have you ever considered pitching a television show on your life...and the characters in it?

  16. TC - Yes, someone referred to me as a man yesterday and it just sounded weird. I'm a guy!

    I dunno. I'm not sure how she'll react to the part where he set the phone down while she was talking. lol Eh, I'm sure we'll all be able to laugh about it.

    Sage - Thanks. Now that I think about it, I kinda like the idea of dividing my life into administrations. It'd be an interesting way to write an autobiography. Or just a way.

    Actonbell - Rub it in! Yes. That's exactly what I did with the aloe after I got home :) I don't mind vacuuming. Ironing is the great evil amongst all chores to me.

    Murf - Well, now I gotta know. What's first? Chick? Lady? I hope it's not girlie. Me and the Beastie Boys will be sooo bummed.

    J.Adamthwaite - Yes, please look into that and get back to us.

    I'm definitely tidier when I'm dating someone. Two hours? Boy, that must be some gargantuan bathroom you have over there :)

    Helene - I was thinking, as I read your post, that you are a girl in a guys body

    Um, no. I don't think that's the answer.

    Cooper - No, but I often kid around and say things like "That's going in my book" as if I'll someday write a book about them.

  17. Nope, it not gender related. Still want to know?

    I'm still afterglowing from being your first this morning. Commenter, I'm referring to.

  18. Bone; I can not believe you have me thinking about the difference between a girl and a woman and when it happens. I do not think it is related to age when my Mom and her sisters together they are known as the P girls. My Dad does not call my Mom a woman he refers to her as a Lady. That is a high praise from him. My grandmother always called me girly. So now I think I muddled the water even more.

    The cleaning thing; my hubby cleans I don't really. I hate to clean. I will straighten and declutter but I hate cleaning.

  19. Nice to know that a game of pool with the guys doesn't suffer because of a phone call from the significant other! LOL

  20. I don't want to get into the girl you are a woman now discussion so I will say I wrongly obviously thought only females misplaced keys

    And have I not been saying what Cooper said for years?

  21. "We're talking Presidential administrations" me too. LOL!

    Congrats to LJ on his new woman and clean house, I hope both stick around for awhile. Especially, the clean house! I mean, the girl too. Whatever.

    But I agree with Murf you guys are still important to him. And I too, hate it when guy/girls totally ditch their friends for a new "someone". It's so annoying!

    Not a golf fan. Well not after I got hit with a golfball, that ended my love for golf.

  22. consistently have me laughing out loud. It's the Bone guarantee! And I love it. :~)

    "Tub scrubbing carpet cleaners" is wonderful. Say that ten times fast!

  23. "as soon as there is the impending presence of a female on the premises, we all turn into tub scrubbing carpet cleaners."

    Until you marry her, that is!

  24. Murf - No, by this point I've lost interest :)

    Kidding. Tell me (us)!

    PennyCandy - Thanks for muddling the waters a bit more for everyone :) Wow, I had no idea that one line would get the most attention out of my post.

    Kontan - Well, you gotta draw the line somewhere. It's just always better when you're able to draw a line without her knowing you drew one :)

    Pia - I once walked around looking for my keys for twenty minutes one night before realizing they were in my back pocket. I mean, not me. But someone I know. Yeah.

    Maybe you did. You know my memory :)

    OK Chick - Yeah, I hate that, too. Hopefully, he'll remember his friends who helped him survive the past several administrations :)

    How'd you get hit by a golfball? I think this deserves a post.

    Fledgling Poet - Thank you thank you thank you :) Ooo, the Bone guarantee. I like that. Wanna be my marketing director?

    Mama Zen - Until you marry her, that is!

    Well, sure, then there's that :)

  25. hi Bone I started reading this earlier today and was called away.. and Now after what.. 10 hours
    idling?? I finally, happily re-read it! Glad to hear you guys DO clean even if it isn't until a new prez. admin! haha
    Good buddies are so important and it sounds like you got some!
    I love the song lyrics, but I am stumped! I just can't place them!
    give me a hint??

  26. Pain and burning when you shower?? There are antibiotics for that. Heehee!! Seriously, get the vacuum out and scrub the toilet, I'm coming over.

  27. How true this post is. One of my male friends said this to me the other day. "Charlotte, you should come over sometime. I'll even vacuum."

    Ah, yes. This post speaks the truth.

  28. Lucy - A hint? Um, it was a popular country song from the mid-90's.

    Carnealian - I'll need two days notice to get the bathroom clean.


    36 hours should be plenty.

    Charlotta-love - I strive only to speak truth. And sometimes incredibly humorous obvious non-truths.